


Between hello and goodbye there was so much love

by lydiamxrtin



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Alex's time at war, Angst, Child Abuse, Fluff, High School, Hurt/Comfort, Jesse Manes is His Own Warning, M/M, Malex, Some Fluff, The Missing Decade, filling in the gaps from 1x06 flashback, the lost decade, what Michael did in Roswell
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:02:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 95,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24762028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lydiamxrtin/pseuds/lydiamxrtin
Summary: Following Alex and Michael's journey over 10 years, starting from when they met at high school, to their lives during the lost decade. Looking at snapshots of their lives and how these events changed them and their love.
Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Comments: 103
Kudos: 128





	1. Part 1: Hello

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys!,
> 
> So I've been thinking about this idea for a while, I find Alex and Michael relationship during high school and during the Lost Decade so interesting so I just had to write something about it! This fic follows the canon of the show in relation to what we know happened between them which we've seen through flashbacks, filling in certain missing areas.
> 
> For those reading my other Malex fic "Your life won't always be a war" I haven't given up on it I just needed to work on something else for a little bit, but the next chapter will be back soon!

"There's this toolshed, out by my house, it's warm and I go there when things get bad...so...yeah" Alex trailed off. Michael kept his eyes forward, listening as he heard Alex walk away. Eventually, Michael turned around, Alex was gone, along with his guitar.

Michael took a few breaths, what had just happened? Michael replayed the conversation over in his head. What had that last comment meant? Why was Alex telling him that? Michael thought about the context of the conversation; talking about the guitar, rumours-Michael tilted his head. Alex had talked about how Michael was sleeping in his truck before Michael brought up the rumours about Alex. Was Alex suggesting that Michael stay in his shed? But why would he do that? Michael had seen Alex around the school, he was friends with Liz and thus friends with Max to some degree. He'd never spoken to the boy, much of Alex's demeanour said 'I don't wanna talk to anyone' He kept himself to himself and hung out with his close friends; Liz and Maria. Michael looked back into his truck, the pillows and duvets bundled up at the back.

Since leaving the last shit foster home he'd been placed in, Michael had been spending his nights in his truck. Max had tried to get him to go back to his but Michael didn't want to; the Evens made their choice very clear when they left the group home all those years ago. He didn't mind the truck, he could take it where he wanted to go, he could think and work without being disturbed. 

Max and Isobel had immersed themselves in the 'normal' high school life; Max had fallen head over heels in love with Liz Ortecho and Michael had lost count of how many groups Isobel was in charge of. Michael had taken a different route, Michael had no desire to play the part of a high schooler. Learning was what he enjoyed about school, he was looking into colleges that he could go to. The high IQ Michael had yearned to be challenged, the be put to use. In some ways, Michael wondered if Alex was similar. He focused in class, was either at the library or in the music room with his guitar. As Michael thought he released that maybe he noticed Alex more than he originally thought he had. None of this answered Michael's original question though- 

"I told you not to take other people's instruments," Max said, interrupting Michaels spiralling thoughts. Michael turned in his truck to see Max walking around the corner, a serious look on his face. He walked around to where Michael was sat on the edge of the truck, leaning against the side of the vehicle. Michael furrowed his brow, wondering how the hell Max knew that. Max seemed to pick up on his brother's confusion. "I saw Alex Manes walking with his guitar, I'm guessing you were 'borrowing' it again?" Max said, trying to sound serious.

Michael gave a small laugh at Max, shaking his head. "I didn't know it was his and I was going to return it," He said, throwing his hands out to the side. 

Max crossed his arms over his chest, the serious look still on his face, "He's Liz's friend, please try not to piss him off," Max continued.

Michael gave another laugh; this was why Max was so pissed. Michael tilted his head to the side, a sarcastic smile on his face. "Oh don't worry Max I'm not going to tank your nonexistence chance with Liz," He mocked, giving Max a playful pat on the shoulder. The serious look from Max's face fell, joining Michael in the laugh. "You and Manes friends?" Michael discreetly asked, trying not to sound too obvious he was trying to get information about Alex.

Max looked up, slight surprise on his face before he spoke, "He's friends with Liz, so am I...we cross paths," He casually said, he then gave a small smirk, "He's one of the few people that agrees that Valenti is a dick, so there's that"

Micheal nodded his head, "Yeah well, the way Valenti goes after him that's no surprise" Kyle Valenti wasn't discrete about his loathing for Alex, the two regularly getting into fights with one another. 

"He's a chill guy, he's nice to Liz," Max finished. Michael wanted to roll his eyes, of course, Max brought this back to Liz somehow. Max shifted, uncrossing his arms and looking up at Michael. "Why are you thinking of making friends?" He asked, a hint of teasing in his voice.

Michael scoffed, shaking his head. "I'm good," Michael replied, looking away from Max. He jumped off the truck, pulling his backpack forward. There were a few minutes left until the last period. 

"You know the weather is meant to get bad soon," Max started, still hoovering around Michael. Michael slung the backpack over his shoulder a confused looked directed at Max. Michael followed Max's eye line to the truck bed. Michael internally sighed, he could see where this conversation was about to go. Max reached up and rubbed the back of his neck "You could always come and stay-"

Michael shook his head, standing back from Max. "I'm good," He saw that Max was about to speak again, stepping forward towards Michael. Michael retreated from Max, holding his hands up in front of him. "Max." Was all Michael said. Max sighed, taking a step back. Michael didn't need Max's pity; if the Even's would have wanted him there, they were of taken him all those years ago.

Max gave a defeated sigh, shoving his hands into his pocket. "Okay, well Isobel and I were thinking of having dinner at the Crashdown tonight, you in?" Max asked.

"Sure, it's always fun to watch you strike out with Liz," Michael teased, shoving his brother's shoulder as they headed to class.

Michael played with the straw in his milkshake, knocking it from side to side. Michael's had spent the day thinking about what Alex had said to him. Part of Michael still wasn't sure if Alex was offering his shed, but why tell him about it if he wasn't offering. From school he'd meeten his siblings at the Crashdown, watching as Max awkwardly tried to talk with Liz. "Oh my god just ask her out," Isobel mocked, looking as Max gazed at Liz across the room.

Max sighed, ducking his head, "It's not that-"

Isobel turned to face Max, "I swear Max if you tell me it's not that easy-" Michael looked out the window, he could see the speed of the window as it swept down the street; it was going to be a cold night. "-Michael, back me up here!" He heard Isobel say.

Michael looked back from the window to his siblings who were staring at him. Isobel narrowed her eyes at him, and Max tilted his head. "You alright man? You've been pretty outta it tonight?" Max asked. 

Michael nodded. He may be a genius but he still couldn't seem to work out the puzzle that was Alex Manes. "Yeah, yeah I'm good," He said, taking a sip from his drink. The siblings continued to drink, eat and joke for a little while longer. Liz came over and talked to Max and while he didn't want to admit it, maybe Michael was wrong about Max having a nonexistence chance, the large warm smile on her face as she spoke to Max was something Michael was sure Kyle Valenti had never been graced with. After a while, the siblings finished up, the group walked outside. Michael looked up to the dark sky, a thunder cloud rolling over and clashing above; shit. Michael tugged his jacket on tighter, feeling a hand on his shoulder.

"Michael-" Max started a softened look on his face.

Michael turned around, giving a nod to Iz and Max. "Goodnight," He said, wanting to avoid whatever conversation Max was about to try and start. Michael jogged over to his truck, jumping in. As he got in, the clouds above opened, raining thundering down and hitting his windshield. Michael sighed, the truck was cold and whatever crappy heating was installed would be nothing to combat the cold evening. Michael bit the bottom of his lip, ' _ There's this toolshed, out by my house, it's warm"  _ The words ran over in his mind. Michael reached out and turned the key heading off down the road. He'd been to Alex's before, well correction he'd dropped Max of there before when he'd been hanging out with Liz who also happened to be there. It wasn't far from town, Michael kept his hands tense on the wheel. 

Michael pulled up off the road once he saw the house, turning the key killing the engine. Michael could see the lights on in the house, he looked closer through the window, seeing the small dot of the shed behind the house. Michael closed his eyes, listening to the sound of the rain crashing onto the roof; fuck it, he thought. Michael reached behind and grabbed his backpack, throwing open the door and jumping out.

Michael headed towards the shed, keeping himself low to the ground and away from eyesight. Michael came upon the shed, Michael reached out, his hand pausing on the handle for a second before he pushed it open. The door swung open and Michael stepped in out of the rain, closing the door behind him.

The shed was a good side, on one side was a bed, large quilts on the top, two or three pillows. Next to Michael was a worktop; wrenches, saws and hammers scattered across. Michael stepped closer into the room. Opposite the bed was a small desk and chair against the wall, on the top there was a small lamp, next to that a small pile of books and a box. Michael let his backpack fall off his shoulder. He slung his soaked jumper of himself onto the worktop, running his hands through his wet hair. 

As Michael got closer to the bed he noticed a piece of paper folded up, a small key on top. Michael looked around before quickly sitting on the bed grabbing the note. 

> Guerin,
> 
> I'm not sure if you will use this shed but if you do I've left some stuff here; bedding, books and some food in the box. My dad never locks the shed but in case he does I've left a spare key so you can come and go as you please, make yourself at home. 
> 
> Alex Manes
> 
> P.S don't take my guitar again.

Michael gave a laugh as he read the last line, shaking his head. He put the piece of paper down and held the key in his hand, turning it over. He slipped it into his pocket before heading over to the desk, turning the lamp on. Michael flicked through the books, most of them were about agricultural or engineering, two things Michael was avidly interested in. How the hell would Alex know that, but then Michael knew Alex liked music; he could play the piano and guitar, he had four brothers...maybe they noticed each other more than they realised.

The more he thought about it Michael realised that Max had probably told Liz or Alex at some point. For a second, Michael could have sworn he felt some disappointment seep through him at the thought it was just Max had passed on the information rather than Alex knowing it. 

Michael moved onto the box, opening it and peering inside. There was some fruit, some chips and a few bottles of water and soda. Michael smiled, closing the top of the box. Michael leaned against the desk looking around the little room, the small smile on his face grew a little. Michael walked back over to the bed, moving the pillows and sheets about to set it up. Michael reached down and held the note in his hand, reading it over.

Michael dried himself off with a towel that had been left near the bed, slipping into his comfy clothes. Michael walked over to the door of the shed, sliding the lock across. He slipped back into the bed, pulling the sheets up around him. Michael could see the rain hitting the window and could hear the wind rushing through the trees but he couldn't feel the cold. 

Michael took in a large breath, his eyes feeling heavy. Michael couldn't help but think of Alex Manes out in his shed, leaving books that were about Michael's favourite subject, giving him food and bedding. Michael still asked himself why. He couldn't wrap his head around why Alex cared where he slept or cared about his well being. Maybe Alex was just nice, Michael scoffed, people weren't just nice, he knew that better than anyone. People always had an agenda, they always wanted something. Michael felt his stomach twist for a moment, maybe Alex wanted something, maybe he had an agenda?

Michael's eyes began to flutter close, the questions that had been plaguing Michael mind all day began to fade to the back. Maybe Alex was just nice, he told himself, Michael realised Alex Manes was a question he maybe wanted answers too. _Make yourself at home_ Alex had written. Michael had never had a home, he'd lived in houses but none of them were home, and he couldn't even remember where he came from. Michael wasn't expecting this to become his home, after all, it was just Alex Manes shed, but as he lay in the bad, the thick warm sheets pulled up around him, Michael felt safe, something he hadn't felt for a while. 


	2. Go for a good heart.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After taking solace in the shed, Alex and Michael start to realise they have more in common than they thought.

Michael laid on the unmade bed, his back leaning against the wall, his feet hanging off the edge of the bed. In hand was a book, Michael turned the page carefully reading. Michael had been spending most nights in the toolshed. After the first night, he stayed away for a couple of days, not wanting to take advantage of the situation. He came back again a week later when the weather took a turn for the worse again and staying in the truck just wasn't an option. On his return, Michael noticed that some extra supplies had been added to the shed; another lamp, some snacks in a draw; paper/pens and more books. Michael had stayed the night, and then the next, every now and then he'd take a break, spending some time in the truck but recently Michael had grown comfortable with the shed, it was warm and despite it being a shed in Alex Manes back garden it somehow felt...safe. Michael hadn't seen Alex since being in the shed, he'd mentioned that when things had gotten bad he'd come out to the shed but Michael hadn't seen him, or Jesse for that fact. Around school, Michael and Alex were status quo, nothing had changed, they weren't suddenly buddies, but maybe Michael noticed him more. During the month since he'd been staying in the shed, he thought about going up to Alex when he was with Max and Liz but he never did. Michael went to turn the page when a noise from outside stopped him. Michael froze in his place, the noise started again; footsteps. Michael felt his heartbeat start to race, the loud thudding in his chest almost as loud as the footsteps outside. Michael frantically looked around the room; was there somewhere to hide? Michael was about to move from the bed when the toolshed door was thrust open. Alex stormed into the shed, slamming the door harshly behind him, his forehead leaning against the closed door.

"Alex," Michael said, standing up from the bed. As soon as he spoke, Alex jumped, spinning around and backing against the door like a trapped animal. Michael instinctually backed away from Alex, holding his hands up in front of him. "Woah, Woah easy it's just-" Michael stopped talking, his brain finally processing what he was seeing. Alex was backed against the door, his arms wrapped around his stomach, the sleaves of his long black sweater pulled over his hands. But then Michael noticed his face, across Alex's face was a mixture of cuts and bruises. The area around his left eye was a dark red, a cut on his eyebrow, on the other side of his face Michael could see a large red bruise forming on his jaw and making it's way to his cheek.

Alex averted his eyes from Michael, looking down at the floor. Alex untangled his arms from around his chest, reaching him behind himself to try and grab the door handle. "Sorry I-I didn't think-"

Michael took a tentative step forward his face screwed up in concern, "What the fuck happened to you?" Michael asked while scanning Alex's body, the boy was shaking. Michael had seen the aftermath of many of Alex and Kyle's fights, both boys walking away with bruises and cuts but he'd never seen Alex shaken like this, his head bowed, trying to make himself look as small as he could.

Alex sighed, his chest was still breathing heavily, his arms behind his back. "It's nothing," he croaked.

"Nothing?-" Michael repeated giving a shocked laugh, as soon as the laugh left his lips Michael instantly regretted it. Michael didn't think it was possible but Alex seemed to shrink smaller, like Michael's laugh, had struck him across the face, Michael felt a sick feeling pooling in his stomach.

"I'm fine, I uh sorry for barging in," Alex rambled, he turned and went to grab the door handle when Michael walked forward.

"You can stay," Michael said. Alex seemed to pause, his back now to Michael. Alex stayed still, his body shaking every now and then. Michael had no idea what had happened but clearly, it was something bad. "It's your shed," Michael continued.

Alex kept his back to Michael, his hand was still holding the door handle unmoving. It was his shed, he could stay, Alex told himself. Since he'd offered the shed to Michael he'd been avoiding it, letting Michael have his space. When Alex had finally broken free from his dad his brain went into autopilot and he had just headed for the shed without thinking. Alex didn't want to burden Michael, he'd offer the shed as somewhere where Michael could relax, not somewhere he'd have to deal with Alex's bullshit. Alex slowly turned around, Michael was seated on the bed, book in hand. Alex carefully walked forward into the room, he headed over to the desk that was against the opposite wall to the bed, taking a seat in the chair. Alex winced as he sat, his ribs already unhappy with the action. Alex raised a careful hand, pressing it to his ribs. Alex immediately pulled his hand away, cursing under his breath as he did. Alex noticed something in his peripheral vision, causing him to jump in his seat.

"Sorry," Michael said, coming into view. Alex looked up to see Michael holding out something wrapped within a cloth. "Can of coke from the fridge, it's not ice but..." Michael trailed off, holding the can out to Alex.

Slowly Alex reached out and took the can from Michael, giving him a strained but sincere smile, "Thank you," He quietly said, holding the cold can to his cheek sending a cold chill throughout him.

Michael returned the smile, making his way back to the bed, sitting down on the edge. The was a silence in the shed, but it wasn't the usually uncomfortable silence Michael experienced with people, Michael looked over at Alex who was holding the can to his face. Alex's eyes; which were red and puffy, were staring off into the distances, and Michael could tell that Alex's mind wasn't in the shed but somewhere else, and from the dark expression on his face, it wasn't a good place. Michael cleared his throat, pointing to the books on the table. "Uhh thank you for the books and stuff," He said, trying to pull Alex back into the room.

It took a moment but Alex blinked, turning in his chair to face Michael. "It's okay" Alex replied, his mind still clearly preoccupied.

"How'd you know I like agricultural engineering?" He asked, the question still on his mind from his first night in the shed.

Alex looked away for a moment, biting the bottom of his lip, "I'd seen you reading them around school," Alex said. Michael felt his chest tighten for a moment and he couldn't help but give a small smile. He hadn't known Alex very long but stocking up the shed in case Michael dropped by with books he knew Michael liked seemed quintessential Alex, going out of his way to help...just because. He thought back to when Alex had offered the shed, Michael hadn't seen Alex once since being in the shed, the only evidence of him being in the there was when Alex restocked things. Michael frowned, a thought suddenly coming over him, "You don't have to stay away you know, I mean it's your shed if you need me to leave-"

Alex shook his head "-No no it's fine," He said, his voice sounding stronger this time, he sighed, "Tonight I just forgot you might be here, was a lot going on," He said, his voice was monotone, unwavering as he was lost in another thought.

Michael kept his eyes on Alex, who was playing with the cloth in his lap. He had seemed to have given up icing his bruises, almost as if they didn't bother him, as if he used to it. Michael clenched his hands in his lap. This clearly wasn't the first time Alex had been in this shed in this state. Had he'd had a fight with Kyle? But the school closed hours ago? The fresh blood on Alex's eyebrow told him this happened recently. Michael thought about what Alex had said and the heavy realisation of Alex's words settled over him. "When you said things at home sucked I thought..." Michael stopped, he honestly didn't know what he thought, maybe his brothers were dicks, maybe his dad but this. Michael felt sick in his stomach, he'd been in abusive homes before, some of them were unbearable. Alex saying home life sucked seemed to have been a vast understatement.

"It does suck," Alex sighed, looking at the wall. He stood up from the chair, his ribs protesting. He placed the can of coke back on the table.

"I've lived in shitty homes and abusive ones, I can tell the differences," Michael quietly said. Alex froze where he was standing, his hands hovering over the can of coke. Alex never thought of his house as abusive, but bad. Sometimes it was okay, sometimes it was bearable, but other times-Alex turned around to look at Guerin pushing that thought away from his mind. Guerin was sat still on the bed, looking up at Alex. He walked over to the bed, sitting on the far end away from Michael.

"You've lived in abusive homes?" Alex asked. He didn't know much about Guerin's history besides the rumours he'd heard around school, he knew he was close to Max and Isobel and that was it really. 

"You spend enough time in the system they're bound to find you," Michael said, a sad smile appearing on his face. Alex felt his chest ache, and not because of his father's actions. 

"But you got out?" Alex asked, looking over at Guerin. He knew Michael lived in his truck so he obviously wasn't living in with those people anymore.

"They don't really want you so you run away enough times and they'll stop looking for you," Michael replied, probably the most honest thing Alex had heard Guerin ever say. Alex couldn't help but feel some jealously, how messed up was their lives that Alex was jealous that no one looked for Michael when he ran away. Michael looked over at Alex, a small frown on his face "Your dad?." Michael softly asked. Alex didn't look over at Michael, he was sure his face would give the answer away. This was a family issue his father had said, no one else needed to know. Alex realised that his silence was already an answer, he looked over at Michael. It seemed the answer finally washed over Michael; whos face changed from confusion to a dark expression Alex couldn't quite place. Michael moved up the bed slightly, closer to Alex. "Can't you stay with your mom?" Michael asked.

Another ache in his chest. Alex stood up from the bed, suddenly needing some space. He looked down at his hands, fidgeting. "She left us," He quietly spoke. Alex could still remember the way his mother looked, her laugh, her stories. He would torment himself sometimes by just replying over the happy memories with her, them being a cold contrast to his current situation. "I wouldn't even know where to find her," Alex admits. He'd spent some years searching for her online, trying to see if he could get a number, an email address, anyway he could contact her; but nothing. Eventually, Alex gave up, there was only so much false hope his heart could take. He looked out the shed window. He remembered watching his mom leave for work one day through the living room window, her turning around to blow him a kiss; she never came back. She left with only her small handbag and Alex's childhood.

Michael scowled, he watched as Alex stared out the window, once again lost in some other thought. Michael had learned more about Alex Manes in this shed over the last five minutes than he'd learned over years of attending the same school. Michael leaned forward on his knees. "She just left you with him?" He asked, his voice laced with accusation.

Alex kept staring out the window, no sign he'd even heard what Michael had said, Michael had never seen Alex look so detached. Michael went to repeat himself but Alex finally turned around, his eyes looking more hallow and somehow heavy than before. "He wasn't like this when she was around," He sighed, taking a seat on the bed, noticeable closer to Michael this time, "My dad was a dick back then but not..." Alex trailed off, clearly lost for words. Currently, Michael had many words for Jesse Manes.

"You've got brothers right?" Michael asked, Alex looked up at him, one eyebrow raised in surprise. "I mean you guys outnumber him-what- four to one?" Michael continued.

Michael thought it was a simple question but the way Alex's eyes clouded told him differently. Alex looked away, but Michael kept his eyes on him. "It's not that simple," Alex said, shaking his head a little.

"Why?" Michael asked without hesitation. Normally Michael couldn't care less about peoples personal lives and what went on; being a cosmic being seemed to make human issues seem small, insignificant. Yet, as Michael sat on the bed next to Alex, he couldn't help but want to know about Alex's life, something about the boy seemed different to Michael, something worth asking about.

Alex looked back over at him, Michael could all but see the wheels turning in Alex's mind, the way his eyes seem to drift for a moment before coming back to Michael. "My brothers have enlisted, there not around anymore...it's just me", Alex crossed his arms over his chest, like he was protecting himself. "Anyway, they'd never turn on my dad like that," He finally said, the sentence perfectly crafter to give enough information to satisfy but vague enough to not answer the question.

"Even though he does this-" Michael motioned towards Alex's face "-To you guys?"

It was like Michael had struck Alex across the face or in the chest, his eyes began to shine again with tears. Michael felt his stomach churn at the thought of causing Alex more distress. It was then like Alex shut down his head slowly lowered, looking down at the floor. "He doesn't do this to them," Alex breathed, emotion seeping through at the end. He looked back over at Michael.

"So your brothers a free pass?" Michael asked, his anger clear.

"None of us gets a free pass," Alex softly said. Anyone living in the same house as Jesse Manes didn't get a free pass.

"What then?" Michael pressed, the intrigue he felt for Alex Manes pushing him to asked more question.

Alex seemed to think the question over, looking into the distances. This was a common theme with Alex, every response he gave was a perfectly manicured reply. Thought out and sculpted, almost like Alex was use thinking thoroughly before he spoke. "My dad has a...certain idea of what a 'Manes man' should be," He finally said. Michael pouted, trying to work out what that phrase meant. "My brothers fit that...I don't," Alex finished, leaning back on the wall, looking up at the ceiling.

Michael looked over Alex, he could imagine how Alex's bold clothes, jewellery and nose ring would go against Jesse Manes narrow idea of masculinity, but it seemed more than that. A thought came into his mind, "The rumours that Kyle started..." Michael began before stopping. He'd heard the rumour that Kyle had started, of course so had the whole school. He'd never thought much of it, the rumour that Alex was gay had circled around the school for days, it was all people could talk about, then it started to die down, becoming old news. It's only mention was when Kyle was using it to torment Alex. Michael looked over at Alex who was now looking at him, his eyes looking more glassy than before. "There true?" Michael asked before he could stop himself. Michael didn't care about the answer, being an intergalactic being made things like sexuality and gender seem minor but Michael knew that humans didn't always share that opinion. Alex didn't answer, he didn't need to, the look on his face told Michael everything he needed to know. Alex's eyes glassed over again before he looked away, Michael pretended not to notice when Alex reached up and wiped a tear from his cheek. Michael had never met Jesse Manes, but he could say with almost certainty that he hated the man. "Well if being a bigoted abusive dick is being a Manes man, then no you're not one, you're better." Michael offers, he knows it's not much but he doesn't want to agitate the clearly already upset Alex.

Alex stopped breathing midway while taking a breath. He watched as Michael gives Alex a small smile. For a moment Alex could feel tears start to build in his eyes again. He had expected Michael to do many things; leave, be awkward, not say anything but to say that. Alex gives Guerin a smile back, knowing that Michael has no idea of the weight behind the smile. "If things get bad, you can come here you know," Michael says.

Alex arches an eyebrow, the smile still on his face. "So now you're offering my shed...to me?" He jokes.

Michael laughs, a wide smile covering up his face. Alex is almost sure its the best thing he's seen today. Michael shakes his head, fidgetting with the bedding under him, "Uhh I mean you don't have to avoid it because of me," He continues, looking back up at Alex.

Alex gives a small nod, "Thank you," he says. Michael smiles back at him and for a while, the boys just sit there in silence. Michael reading his book and Alex just sitting in peaceful silences, his eyes close. Finally, Alex Looked up at the wall, noticing the time, he sighs. "I should get going, my dad will be looking for me," Alex says. It was pretty late at night, his dad wouldn't want him outside for a long time and he didn't want to risk his dad coming to look for him.

Michael frowned for a moment, moving closer to the edge of the bed, "You going to be okay?" He asked, his brows knitted together.

Alex took a deep breath, would he be okay? That was a question he didn't like to think about too much, he looked back over at Michael, before giving a nod, "Yeah, yeah I just pissed him off earlier," Alex said, a forced smile on his face. Alex had had a shitty day at school thanks to Valenti and his dads nonsense had been too much for Alex when he got home, he'd spoken back one too many times and paid the price. "He made his point, it'll be fine," Alex continued, it was late and his dad was probably asleep.

Michael nods, some uncertainty on his face which Alex can't quite work out. "Well uhh, I'll see you around," He says, a shy smile on his face.

Alex nods, standing up from the bed, his ribs protesting for a moment. Alex sucked in a breath, steadying himself. He turned around to Michael "Goodnight Guerin," He quietly said.

"Night Alex," Michael replied. Alex walked towards the door, slowly pulling it open. Ale walked through the door, pausing for a moment before looking behind for a second. Michael was still looking at Alex and they made eye contact. Alex quickly looked away, heading back out into the night, shutting the door behind him. Alex wrapped his arms around himself, the light in the living room was still on, meaning his dad was still awake. Alex headed forward towards the main house, the small smile still on his face. Things were pretty shitty, in fact, most days they came close to unbearable but knowing Michael was a few feet away somehow made it seem a little bit better. 

Michael watched as Alex finally closed the door, heading back to the main house. Michael let out a deep breathe. When Alex had stood up, Michael could see the pain his body was causing him, and the way he tried to hide it. Part of Michael had wanted to tell Alex to stay, tell him not to go back out to his dad but he didn't, instead, he watched as Alex left. Michael laid down on his bed, looking up at the ceiling, an uneasy feeling in his stomach. The question of Alex grew even more in his mind, after everything that Alex went through at home, and everything he was put through at school; Alex Manes still seemed to be good and kind. Michael had always thought he was better than most people, all people if he was honest, but maybe Alex Manes would be the exception.


	3. Home can be a person.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Michael realise how entwined their lives have become.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoy this chapter, we get to see more of Alex and Michael getting to know each other!
> 
> -AJ

Alex leans against Maria’s car, looking up at the bright sky. He looked back down squinting as his eyes adjusted from the bright light. Maria was talking to him about something but Alex wasn't sure what, his mind on something else; Michael Guerin; the last time Alex had seen Michael was at the prom a few days ago. Alex had gotten into a fight with Valenti, which wasn't surprising, what did surprise him was Guerin stepping in and pulling him back. Valenti wasn't someone you wanted to be on the wrong side off so most times people just let the fights play out; but not Guerin. Alex didn't understand why he would do that, why he'd put himself in harm's way for Alex. It’s not like they were friends, or were they? Alex wasn’t really sure what Guerin was to him.

“You could at least pretend to be listening?” Maria said, crossing her arms over her shoulder, her eyebrow raised up.

Alex pushed himself off the front of the truck shaking his head. “I’m sorry,” He replied. Over the last week Alex hadn’t been the greatest friend. Between school, work and his dad’s relentless onslaught Alex hadn’t had much time for his friends.

Maria dropped the mock offended look, it being replaced by one of genuine concern. She walked over to her car, leaning against the front just like Alex had did, turning her head to him, “Everything okay?” She asked, her head tilted to the side.

Alex nodded, moving to stand in front of her, “Yeah, just thinking,” he sighed.

Maria smiled, "Aren't you always," she reached out and tapped the side of his head, "You need to take a break from up here," Alex laughed, looking down at the floor. Maria moved both her arms to Alex’s shoulders, "Why don't we do something this week? Maybe go to the desert, have some beers, listen to some music" She said. Maria took her arms from Alex’s shoulders letting them drop to her side, "I was thinking a classic; Ortecho, Manes and Deluca weekend?" She lightheartedly said, doing a little dance with her shoulders like she did when she was excited.

Alex laughed, shaking his head a little. Alex looked back up and then off to the side, the smile from his face dropping a bit. “Yeah I don’t see my dad allowing that,”

All the humor and lightness had gone from Maria’s face, an anxious look written across her face. Alex came to lean against the truck next to Maria. “Things bad again?” She asked in a quiet voice.

Alex looked over at Maria, her face still coated in worry. Alex had never really told Maria what went on at home, but over the years she seemed to have picked up on things. Noticing bruises when no one else did, sensing when something was off. She never asked out front, or said she knew but she didn’t have to. The look on her face when Alex turned up with fresh bruises was enough to let Alex know she knew. Alex gave another exhale, trying not meet Maria’s eyes. “Things are always bad,” Alex tried to say in a light tone but as he quickly looked over at Maria he could see that had fallen flat. Alex sucked in a large breath, looking up at the unclouded sky “but lately…” he started, letting the words hang there. Alex and his father had always had issues, since Alex could remember. However, since his brothers had left, Jesse could now focus all his energy on Alex, and over the last week or so Alex was starting to buckle under the new found pressure.

Alex felt something on his arm, he looked over to see Maria’s hand on his shoulder. “If there’s every anything I can do-“

Alex stepped forward just out of Maria’s grip. He hated pity. “It’s fine, really,” Alex said, a smile on his face that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m just complaining,” He joked trying to lighten the mood. Maria gave him a suspicious look, narrowing her eyes. Alex tried to give her another smile, this time wider and reaching his eyes; he’d perfected it over time. “How about we get some lunch at the Crashdown soon, I can tell my dad I’ve got some extracurricular work to do,” He said. Maria pushed herself off the car, a playful smile on her face.

“I’d love that, we haven’t had a good chat in a while,” She said, “I wanna know what’s going on in your life,” she teased, squinting her eye at Alex.

Alex had neglected to tell Liz and Maria anything about his situation with Guerin. They both knew him from around school, but Alex told himself it wasn’t their business. That Guerin was a private person and properly didn’t want people knowing about his life. “Nothing new,” Was all Alex said. Alex looked across the yard as people walked. Liz and Max caught his attention, laughing and joke where they stood. For a moment Alex wondered if he would ever get that, if he was allowed that. Deep down Alex knew the answer to that and he tried to ignore the throbbing in his chest. Just as Alex was about to look away someone walked over to the pair and the throbbing in Alex’s chest ceased. Michael Guerin walked over to Max, talking about something. Michael had his signature jeans, white t-shirt and jacket on. Alex felt his chest start to constrict a little, his breathing quickening.

Alex felt as Maria stepped next to him. “Even though he’s a complete science and poetry nerd I can see why Liz likes him,” She said, “Cute, funny, just…a good guy,” She sighed.

Alex watched as Michael laughed at something Max said, his smile reaching his eyes as he ran his hand through his hair. “Yeah,” Alex breathlessly said, “A good guy,” He smiled.

The bell rang pulling Alex from his thoughts. Alex looked over at Maria who was pulling her bag over her shoulder, Alex looked back round to see that Michael had gone; Alex’s breathing returned to normal. Maria and Alex headed towards there class. After class, Alex and Maria had bumped into Liz and Rosa and spoke to the girls for a little bit before Maria dropped Alex off home giving him a polite smile and squeezing his arm a little. Alex jumped out of the car and headed towards the house, he looked down at his watch; shit, he was late. He reached the front door and paused. Alex’s father had always been awful, but he’d never created this type of dread in Alex before, years of the abuse had just caused Alex to get used to it; but things seemed different now. Alex squeezed his hand; this was stupid, he told himself. He could handle this. Alex finally took hold of the door handle and pushed it open, entering. After about four steps Jesse spoke up from the kitchen, "You're late," His father coldly said.

Alex stopped, taking a breath. "Sorry, Maria was late leaving last period," He said, Alex was only a few minutes late but clearly that was too much, Alex could already tell this was going to be a rough evening. Jesse just stared at Alex for a moment before looking back down at the papers on the table.

Alex started to walk away when his father spoke up again. "Where are you going?"

Alex stopped again, turning back to face his father, "My room,"

"This came today," He held up a postcard in his hand, making no effort to give it to Alex, "It's from Gregory," He continued. Alex slowly walked over, reaching out and taking the postcard. He slipped it into his back pocket, turning around when his dad reached out and grabbed his upper arm. Alex froze where he was standing, feeling his whole body tense up. "Alex," Jesse quietly said.

Alex turned around to look up at his dad, trying to look as tall as he could, "Yes Sir,"

Jesse let go of Alex's arm, holding out another piece of paper out to Alex. "Enlistment period is approaching soon, have you started on your application, spoke to a recruiter?" He said.

"No," Alex replied, looking down at the floor.

"Why not?" His father asked, the anger already clear in his voice. Alex kept his eyes down to the ground, "Protecting this country from the evils that inhabit it is a great honour, one your brothers and I have obtained." His father finished, stepping closer to Alex, causing Alex to shrink a little, his tall resolve crumbling.

Alex took a small shaky breath, trying to calm himself. He looked up from the floor to look in his father's eyes. "I haven't decided if that's what I want-"

Jesse slammed the piece of paper on the table, causing Alex to flinch, looking away. "It's not about what you want Alex, it's about what should be done," Jesse said, his voice raised. Alex could feel his heart beating in his chest, his stomach cramping slightly at the thought of what could come next. "You have let me down enough," His father spat, Alex felt the pit on his stomach grow more, he finally looked away from his dad. His father seemed to regain his composure, grabbing the piece of paper off the table holding it up to Alex. "This-" It was the information for a US air force recruiter, "This is the least you should do for your family," He finished, harshly pressing the paper into his chest. Alex reached up and placed his hand on the paper as his father walked away. He heard as his father walked away, then the footsteps stopped coming back towards Alex. Jesse stood in front of Alex, his hand out. “Give me the postcard,” Alex swallowed.

“I haven’t read it ye-“

“I didn’t ask if you’d read the post card, I told you to give it to me,” Jesse emotionlessly said, his eyes unmoving, giving nothing away. Alex reached into his pocket and pulled the post card out, Jesse reached forward and snatched it, Alex flinched back for a moment, “You can have this back when you deserve it, your brother is a hero and you…” Jesse looked Alex up and down, just shaking his head. With that Jesse turned around and headed for the living room, post card in hand.

Alex took a breath and headed upstairs quickly. Alex walked into his room and closed his door hard, pressing his head against it. Alex threw his backpack across the room, the bag knocking into his desk chair. Alex harshly bit the inside of his check to stop his lip from trembling. Alex blinked rapidly as he looked up at the celling trying to clear his eyes.

Alex walked over to his bed and sat down, pulling the recruitment paper from his back pocket. Alex looked down at the form, biting his lip. He didn't want to join the army like his father or brothers; fighting wars was not what Alex wanted to do with his life. Alex shoved the form back into his pocket, lying on his bed looking up at the ceiling. Alex laid there still for a moment, he heard his father walk up the stairs to his room, pausing outside Alex’s room for a moment. Alex tensed on the bed, quieting his breathing. After a moment Jesse left and went to his room. Alex let out his breath. Alex stood from the bed to go get his guitar, needing to distract himself. As Alex walked across his room he hesitated near the window, looking out. Alex could see the side of the shed, a low glow coming from the window; Michael.

Alex didn't know what to expect from Guerin, but he was still surprised by him. Alex had learned that Michael hadn't had an easy life, Alex could only imagine what foster homes were like. Yet Alex had never heard him complain, he never treated Alex with anything but respect, something that was sparse in Alex's life. Alex looked at his door and then at the window again. Alex walked out of the room down the stairs. Alex walked outside in the cold over, making sure he couldn't be seen. Alex headed over to the shed, pausing outside for a moment.

Michael stood at the desk, looking down at some of his sketches. He heard a soft knock on the shed door, Michael quickly shoved the notes under some other paperwork, turning around to face the door. Alex slowly opened the shed door, standing in the doorway.

"Hey" He quietly said.

"Uhh, uh hey," Michael stuttered, cursing at how flustered he sounded. Michael looked Alex up and down, remembering the last time he'd come to the shed, "You okay?" Michael asked.

Alex stepped inside the shed, closing the door behind him, his hands in his pockets. "Yeah" He sighed, not convincing Michael it was the truth. Michael sat down on the edge of the desk, playing with the pencil in his hand. Michael couldn’t see any injuries on Alex, no bruiser but that didn’t mean they weren’t there. If there was one thing Michael learned in foster care is that abusers find a way to hide what they do.

"What you working on?" Alex asked, walking into the room, perching down on the edge of the bed, clearly trying to change the subject.

"Uhh just-just some school work," Michael lied, placing the pencil down on the table.

Alex nodded, looking down at his hands. Michael watched as Alex shifted on the bed like it was uncomfortable before reaching around and pulling something out of his back pocket. Alex looked down at the folded piece of paper in his hands, Michael noticed that Alex's eyes seemed to glass over, like they always did when he was thinking of something unpleasant. "What's that?" Michael found himself asking, pointing to the paper.

Alex kept his eyes on the paper, turning it around in his hands before casting it off to the side. "Enlistment papers," He said. Michael felt a chill go through his body, he shifted on the desk. Alex finally looked up at Michael, "For the military, my father wants me to sign up," He finished but Michael already knew what enlistment papers were, he couldn't help but notice how his heart seemed to beat faster at the thought of Alex in the army, his body feeling cold.

Michael swallowed, his mouth going dry. "You don't want to join?" He asked trying not to make his voice sound too hopeful.

"No," Alex quickly said, shaking his head. Michael felt like someone had taken a weigh-off his chest. "No, I don't want to," He said again, but sadder this time, his eyebrows pulled together. Michael slowly slide off the table and walked over to the bed, sitting at the top of the bed where the pillows were, facing Alex. Michael watched as Alex sighed, reaching up to rub his face, "But I don't think I've got much choice," Alex was the same age as Michael, but right now he looked so much older like there was so much weight on his shoulders, far too much for a 17 year old.

Michael felt panic rise again in his chest, another wave of panic coursed through him as he realised how Alex Manes now seemed to be entwined in his life, and Michael wasn't sure how his life looked without him in it. "You think he'll force you to go?" Michael asked.

Alex seemed to think it over, looking down to the ground. Michael ever wondered if Alex just said what he was thinking without planning it beforehand. "He can't physically force me but..." Alex stopped, once again thinking over his words. He took a deep breath, turning to look at Michael, "I'm pretty sure he's working on making it unbearable to stay," He said, trying to make it sound casual and almost like a joke but neither were laughing.

Michael knitted his eyebrows together, a small frown on his face, "So you think you'll leave?" Michael asked, not looking at Alex, trying to convince himself and Alex that the answer didn't matter.

Once again Alex seemed to think the question over, the shed was silent as neither of them spoke. Michael finally glanced over at Alex and as on cue, Alex looked over at him. The pair quickly looked at each other before both moving their eyes away. "I've always wanted to leave Roswell," Alex started, Michael glanced over at him again. Michael could understand why Alex would want to leave, between his father and Kyle, Michael was surprised he hadn't already taken off. Part of Michael felt some relief at the thought of Alex leaving Roswell, no longer being at the mercy of Jesse Manes, but then another part, a selfish part couldn't imagine Roswell without Alex. "But..." Alex continued, looking over at Michael before shifting his eyes to the ground.

"But?" Michael repeated, watching as Alex kept his eyes to the ground.

Alex looked back up at Michael, the pair just looking at each other for a moment, this time neither looking away. Alex took a deep breath, his eyes still on Michael "I don't know if I want to leave anymore," He quietly said. Michael scrunched his eyebrows up, why would Alex want to stay in Roswell? What could possibly be worth having to disobey Jesse Manes? Alex cleared his throat a little, sitting up straight on the bed. "What about you? What're your plans after school?" Alex asked, a small smile on his face.

Michael opened his mouth before stopping. He had a full ride to UNM and was planning on leaving Roswell as soon as school ended. He stood up from the desk shifting on his feet.

"Uhh, I got a full ride to UNM..." He said.

A wide smile came across Alex's face, his eyes almost shinning. "That's amazing Guerin," Alex beamed, Michael gave a casual smile back and a small nod. For a split second, Michael swore he saw the smile on Alex face drop for a moment before appearing again. Alex stood up from the bed, walking to where Michael had been on the desk, almost like they were orbiting each other. "Really, that's-that's impressive." Alex continued, that wide smile still on his face. Michael ducked his head, "I seem more excited than you?" Alex joked; his head tilted to the side.

Michael gave a small laugh. "No, I-I am excited it’s just..." Michael stopped himself, why wasn't he as excited he had been a month ago? Michael looked over at Alex who was standing at the desk, dressed in his signature black jeans and comfy black sweater, his handcuff necklace hanging from his neck as he seemed to study Michael's textbooks. Michael felt a smile creep back onto his face as he watched Alex. Michael let out a breath, "I dunno, I guess I was starting to like this town," He admitted. Alex stopped looking through the textbooks, his hand freezing. Alex looked over at Michael, he gave a small nod, turning his body back towards Michael.

"Well UNM isn't far right, you can always come back?" Alex reassured, looking down at his shoes. It was true Michael thought, UNM was about three hours from Roswell, Michael's eyes shifted over to the recruitment paper next to him; would there be anything in Roswell to come back to Michael thought. "What about you then? If you don't enlist what will you do?" Michael asked.

"Make music," Alex quickly said an honest smile on his face. This was the first time Alex had answered a question without thinking, an answer he just seemed to know. Michael watched as the smile seemed to disappear from Alex's face, "But we'll see," Alex followed up with, his eyes seemed to glance over at the enlistment paper on the bed. Michael went to say something when another voice broke the silence.

"Alex Manes," Jesse summoned from inside the man house. Michael looked over at Alex who had jumped up from the table, his whole face and body had changed, paler and shakier than before.

"I need to go," Alex quickly said, Michael wanted to protest, wanted to keep Alex safe in the shed but from the look on Alex's face, he knew it was pointless. Alex looked back over at Michael and paused, "It's okay," He said in a hushed voice, a reassuring smile on his face. With that Alex left the shed, the door closing behind him.

Michael headed over to the door, looking out the window next to it. He watched as Alex ran down the path, a shadowy figure stood by the door. Alex passed the figure into the house, the door closing with a loud thud. Michael kept his eye on the door for a moment before turning around, trying not to think about how angry Jesse Manes had sounded. Michael looked around the empty shed, reaching out to pick up the recruitment paper Alex had left, the name and number of an enlistment recruiter printed on it. Michael stared down at it, wanting nothing more than to tear it up or throw it away. Michael stood up and walked over to his desk, shoving the piece of paper into a draw. Michael walked back over to the bed and sunk down onto it, staring up at the ceiling. Michael tried to sleep but his brain seemed to be working in overtime. Every time Michael closed his eyes, he saw the recruitment paper and thought of the kind Alex shoved into war, gun in hand and being sent into suicidal mission and his stomach churned. Michael scoffed and shook his head, what Alex did with his life should make no differences to Michael, they barely even knew each other. Yet as Michael tried to think about his life and his plan, he found that Alex Manes somehow had become tangled up in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyouu for reading! Any comments are applicated!
> 
> In the next chapter, we get to see how Alex and Michael's relationship changed after Alex gives Michael his brother's guitar and they almost kiss! 
> 
> -AJ


	4. One person changes everything.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael and Alex finally decided to take a chance on each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> Here's the next chapter in this fic, I hope you have been enjoying! We get to see some more fluff from the boys before we enter some rough roads!

Alex looked out of the UFO emporium window, playing with the pen in his hand. Alex's stomach still felt nauseous from the other night. He and Michael had just been talking in the shed, he'd brought Guerin his brother's old guitar for him to use. Then everything changed so quickly, they were just sat on the bed, Michael had been explaining why he loved music and said thank you and- Alex sighed just thinking about it, squeezing the pen in his hand. He'd thought he sensed something, though there was something deeper there. 

Alex didn't know why he leaned in, why he thought that would be a good idea. For a split second, he thought Michael felt the same but then the boy pulled away and Alex felt like someone had stood on his chest. After a moment Alex had muttered some excuse and left, hurrying back to his room. Alex had played the conversation over and over in his mind, kept thinking over what Guerin had said and what he looked liked, Alex thought he'd seen something in his eyes. Alex crossed his arms on the desk, leaning his head down on them. Alex's stomach churned and cramped, a headache growing in his mind. Alex had ruined everything, he and Michael were just starting to get used to each other, and now everything as a mess. 

Alex wanted to tell himself that it was a mistake, that he didn't feel anything for Michael and he was just caught up in the moment but every time Alex told himself that it just felt...wrong. Michael was kind, smart and-Alex pulled his head up, resting his chin on his hands, there was just something about Michael, something Alex couldn't place his finger on. How had Alex misread the situation so wrong? How had he ruined everything so quickly? Someone walked up to the booth, Alex pulled his head back up and placed his best neutral smile, maybe this would distract him for a little while. It was then Alex noticed who it was

"Maria?" Alex asked. 

Maria bounced up to the booth, her wide smile on her face, her curls collecting on her shoulder. "Hey, I was just around town and wondered if you wanted to grab some food at the Crashdown when your shift is over?" She asked, crossing her arm on the edge of the booth. Alex gave a small sigh, Alex did like hanging out with Maria, she was one of his best friends but being around her positive energy wasn't what Alex wanted to do right now. Alex twisted the pen in his hand. "What's wrong?" She asked, leaning forward.

"Nothing?" Alex said, trying to wave off her worries.

Maria gave a small pout, tilting her head to the side, "Try again," she said. Alex looked away, trying to avoid Maria piercing gaze "I can...sense somethings off, what happened," She followed up with, the pout now being replaced with a worried look.

Alex gave another sigh, sighing seemed to be all he was doing lately. He placed the pen down on the table, looking back up at his friend. Alex looked behind him and then around to see who could hear; no one. Alex leaned closer. "There's this guy-"

Maria sprang forward, a smile back on her face "Who?-" She interrupted 

Alex shook his head, "Doesn't matter," Maria looked like she was going to press the issue but Alex shook his head again and she seemed to get the message. 

"What happened?" She asked.

"Nothing," Alex breathed. It wasn't a lie, nothing had happened between him and Michael, and that was the problem. Maria gives him her signature 'I don't buy it' look, Alex gives a small nod, knowing he was going to have to tell her. "I-I just thought there was something there, but I was wrong," Was all Alex says. It was the first time Alex had said it out loud and he didn't miss the way after he finished an ache appeared in his chest, the knot in his stomach doubling. "And now I think I've ruined it," Alex quietly followed up with. Even though Michael wasn't his to lose, Alex felt like he'd lost him, and somehow some of himself.

"Have you spoke to him?" Maria asked. Alex shook his head no. Maria gave a sympathetic smile, her eyes warm and kind. "Then before you start panicking, and letting your head overthink, talk to him," She said. It seemed so easy when she said it, but it was far from easy. "and then meet me at the Crashdown to tell me about it." She finished, giving Alex a small wink, Alex laughed, giving her a small nod. With that Maria took off down the street leaving Alex to his thoughts again. 

_J_ _ust talk to him,_ Alex told himself. It was easy? But Alex knew that was a lie. Right now he could tell himself that maybe Guerin wasn't mad and that they could still be friends and that he hadn't ruined the whole thing. If he spoke to Guerin and learned that wasn't true, that he was mad, that he did never want to see Alex again. Alex felt in the ache in his chest grow. He once again folded his arms on the bench, his chest resting on them. Alex let out an exasperated breath, _he'd ruined it_ , he told himself, his mind unable to think of anything else.

\---------

Michael continued to drink his milkshake, pushing the straw side to side. 

"We had one of those moments that, like, I feel like it's worth fighting for."

Max had said about Liz. He hadn't asked Max what it was, he was guessing it happened at the prom but he didn't know. Once Max had said that just one thing had come to his mind; Alex leaning in while they were sat in the shed. Michael squeezed the straw harder as he thought about it, twisting and bending the top of it. Alex had brought Michael his brother's old guitar last night. Michael finally had to ask why Alex was being so kind, why he cared about Michael being happy, and just like Michael thought, Alex was just being kind because that's who he was. 

"Yeah, I know those moments," Michael sighed, finally letting go of the straw and leaning back in his chair.

"You do?" Max asked, his head tilted to the side. Michael looked out the window, watching the cars go by. Michael hadn't told anyone about Alex or the shed. He'd told himself it was because he was trying to protect Alex, he didn't want his dad to find out that Alex had let him stay in the shed, but Michael wasn't sure that was true. Michael looked back over at Max who was still watching him. Michael leaned forward on the table, looking down at his hands.

"What if it doesn't work out?" He asked, his voice low. "What if you ruin your friendship?" He continued. When Michael had agreed to stay in the shed he thought it would just be that a place to stay, he didn't think he and Alex would be any more than they already were; nothing. However, Michael had quickly realised it was impossible not to be drawn to Alex, his unwavering kindness was something Michael had never seen before. When they'd been sat in the shed, and Alex had leaned in Michael's brain had stopped working, his heart shooting up to his throat and his lungs tightening. Michael had pulled away and started to play his guitar before Alex had said something and left, Michael hadn't heard what he'd said as his heart was still beating in his ears. Michael had immediately dropped the guitar once Alex was gone, running his hands through his hair.

"I'd rather regret doing it than-than spend my life wondering what could happen you know?" Max answered. Michael felt nauseous, the second Alex had left part of him had regretted pulling away, Alex was kind and made Micheal felt safe, yet something stopped him. Michael never thought about his sexuality, not really. So far he'd only ever been with girls, Alex being the first guy he'd felt something for, but that wasn't why Michael pulled away. Michael pulled himself out of his thoughts realising that Max was still looking at him, "It's a risk I'm willing to take because...she's worth it," Max smiled. 

It was a risk Michael thought, he was meant to be going to UNM which meant leaving Roswell and Alex... He said he wanted to make music, but Michael could tell from the look on Alex's face that even he didn't believe that was going to happen. And of course, the whole 'being an alien' issue was still there. Alex had no idea about Aliens let alone that Michael was one of them. Michael could never tell Alex, how would he react? His father was in the military, would Alex tell him, would Jesse drag Michael, Max and Iz to some facility to be experimented on. Max gave a small sigh, "I think deep down you just know if someone is worth the risk of heartbreak," he said, giving Michael a small smile, almost as if he knew what Michael was thinking.

Michael gave a small nod, looking back out the window. Michael had never thought any human was worth the risk of pain and heartbreak...till he met Alex. He heard Max say he had to get going, leaving some money on the table for his milkshake, Michael nodded still caught up in his mind. Max got up and started to walk past Michael when he paused, "Even if it didn't work out between me and Liz, I wouldn't regret it because...even two weeks with her would make the heartbreak worth it." Max finished, he reached out and patted Michaels shoulder before heading out of the Cafe. Michael looked back at his now melted milkshake, unsure if the sick feeling in his stomach was from that or the fear that he'd ruined any chance he had with Alex. 

Guerin quickly reached into his pocket and pulled out some cash, leaving it on top of Max's before heading out the door and down the street. Michael was working on autopilot as he walked towards the UFO emporium, he knew Alex was working right now, part of him told himself that he should wait till Alex was back at his house but Michael wasn't sure he could wait till then. He could see the sign for the emporium growing closer and Michael felt his hands beginning to get clammy. He had no idea what he was planning on saying or what he was going to do he just knew that whatever he and Alex had it was something worth fighting for. Before Michael knew it he was walking up to the booth, Alex looked up from the desk a surprised look came across his face before he regained an indifferent expression.

"Hey, can we talk?" Michael said, surprised as to how calm his voice was.

Alex seemed to pause for a moment and Michael started to consider the possibility that Alex might say no and Michael would never get the chance to-

"Uh, yeah, I guess," Alex said, interrupting Michael's spiral. Micheal let out a relieved breath, nodding a little, his hands gripping the edge of the booth. However, Michael couldn't help but notice Alex's lack of enthusiasm at the thought of talking to him. Alex just looked at Michael, waiting for him to say anything. Michael leaned closer to the window

"Somewhere...private, maybe? He asked, he still had no idea what he was going to say but he knew he didn't want to talk about it on the street. Alex just looked back at him and for a moment Michael could have sworn he'd saw some nervousness but Alex pulled up his wall again as he nodded to the side door next to him. Michael took a final breathe heading around to the side door, still having no idea what he was about to say. Michael walked into the room behind Alex who was stood in the middle of the place, holding his visor in his hands. Michael walked up to him and stopped, his hands clasped next to him.

"Okay, talk." Alex coldly said, still fidgeting with the visor. Michael opened his mouth to say something but instead, a shaky breath just came out as he looked around, trying not to land on Alex's face. Yet it was unavoidable, Michael looked up from the ground and caught Alex's eyes, Michael paused. 

_ Deep down you just know if someone is worth the risk.  _

Michael took one finale look at Alex before surging forward and kissing him, his hands coming up to cup before sides of Alex's face. It was quick and Alex staggered for a second before Michael slowly pulled back, his hands still on Alex's face. Michael gradually opened his eyes to see Alex looking back at him, his own eyes wide and scanning Michael's face. Michael felt a small smile to grow on his face. It had been one kiss, quick and sudden but it told Michael everything he needed to know, confirmed what Michael deep down already knew; Alex was worth it. Michael watched a small smile also appeared on Alex's face as both boys leaned forward again, Alex's hand forgetting about the hat and coming up to cup Michael's face, his hands warm and comforting. After a moment Alex pulled back, resting his forehead against Michael's. For a second Michael felt the panic rise in his chest, wondering if Alex had changed his mind. Alex smiled at Michael, causing the worry to trickle away, Alex reached up and ran his hands through Michael's hair. "You wanna get outta here?" Alex whispered.

Michael quickly nodded, his arms still on Alex's hips. "Yeah," He breathed. 

Alex gave another smile before the pair started to head out of the UFO emporium towards where Michael had his truck parked. The drive back to Alex's house was full of smiles and quick kisses, both boys almost unable to keep their hands off each other. Michael pulled up his truck down the road like he always did and the boys walked towards the house. Michael reached out and took Alex's hand in his, mesmerised by the smile on Alex's face and how his eyes seemed so much lighter like he wasn't thinking about anything else but what was happening right now. Alex walked ahead of Michael a little, coming up to the shed and pushing open the door. Michael smiled back, as he followed Alex over the threshold, almost like they were walking into their own private haven. The shed door closed behind them with a thud, like it was somehow locking out the whole world.

Both boys had been so entranced in each other, that neither had noticed Alex's dad watching them from the back door, completely unaware of the chaos Jesse Manes was about to bring to their little private haven and their lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed, next one should be up in a day or two!


	5. I hope there is more for us.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Michael finally talk about what happened in the shed and if they can get past it together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5! Quite a heavy chapter this time folks, this takes place after the shed incident, below are some warnings in case you guys want to know what happens like I said this chapter is quite angsty. 
> 
> -AJ
> 
> Warnings: Alex has bruises from Jesse, Alex doesn't explain what Jesse did but from the descriptions of the injuries paints a picture, Michael also talks about his hand and Rosa. Overall there isn't much description of violence but the chapter as a whole is quite heavy due to the subject nature.

Michael rolls over in his truck, the warm air sweeping across his face. Michael kept his eyes shut, just trying to feel the wind. Maybe if Michael just laid still, he could pretend that none of it had happened, that life was the same. Michael opened his eyes, looking up to the sky; life wasn't the same. Michael had spent the last few days lying low in his truck; driving out to the desert and just sitting there staring up at the sky, wishing whoever left him on this planet would come back for him, would take him away. He hadn't been to school for a few days since that night-Michael closed his eyes again, telling himself the warmth of the flames on his face was just a memory; it was over. Michael used his hand to push himself up in the bed of the truck, leaning against the back. He looked down at his hand, still red and broken. He pulled the bandana down a bit trying to cover it. Michael heard footsteps approaching from the back of the truck. He went to reach from something, anything to protect himself; maybe the police had finally worked out it was them, maybe their time was up. Max walked around to the side of the truck, his hands in his pockets. Michael dropped the crowbar he had in his hand, leaning back.

"What do you want Max?" He asked, keeping his gaze averted.

Max walked around to the bed of the truck, perching on the end. "You haven't been at school?" He asked.

Michael nodded, "Yeah well, just haven't felt like it lately," He jeered, his eyes squinted.

Max gave a small nod, looking around the truck. "How's your hand?"

Michael moved his hand away from view, into his lap. "Fine," He coldly replied. Max hadn't killed those girls, but deep down; maybe not so deep, Michael blamed him for all this.

Max turned around more so he was facing Michael. "You wanna tell me how it happ-"

"I told you, stupid fight," Michael interrupted, not giving the lie a second thought.

"With who?" Max pressed. Michael just shook his head, he wasn't going to rehash this with Max, in the last week what happened to his hand was way down on the list of important things. Max took off his baseball cap, clasping it in front of him, "Michael, we need to talk about what happened with-"

Michael surged forward in the truck bed, jumping to the ground, "No, no we don't" He stood close to Max, squaring up. "It's done, we're done okay, so why don't you skip on back to school and leave me alone." Michael pointed to somewhere in the distances, his hand dropping after a moment. He didn't want to see Max, when he did he saw Isobel, and when he saw Isobel he saw Kate and Jasmine and then he saw Rosa. Michael staggered away from Max, looking away.

He heard Max sigh from his seat on the truck. "People are asking where you are," Michael ignored his brother's words, keeping his back to him. "You need to come back Michael, we've-we've got to act normal," Max finished.

Michael blinked a few times, clearing a few tears he didn't want to admit had gathered. School seemed so trivial right now, sitting in a classroom learning pointless things, joking around at lunch. Michael felt the hollowness he'd felt all week increase, an added mixture of fear and anxiety. How could he go back there and see them, watch Liz grieve in class, watch her cry for her sister, hear the other kids say she deserved it; she was high at the wheel. Michael clasped his trembling hand; then there was Alex. Michael hadn't spoken to the boy since the toolshed, after everything that went down with Rosa, the events of that night had been pushed to the back of his mind. Alex was Liz's friend, one of her best, he knew Rosa, he liked her and Michael had watched her burn. Michael turned around to Max, but he was gone, disappearing while Michael had been thinking. Michael groaned, Max was right, Michael had to act normal; because everything was, right?

Michael pushed open the school doors, he'd managed to pull himself together and arrive for the third period. Michael walked down the hallway to his class, his eyes never leaving the floor, not wanting to make eye contact with anyone. Michael paused outside the door to his class.

Could he really do this?

Did he really have a choice?

He could feel people behind him, Michael pushed the door opened and headed inside. Liz's chair was empty, next to it sat Maria. Michael hadn't spoken to her much, a few words here and there. She Alex's and Liz's friend and Rosa's best friend; Michael swallowed, seeing her sad eye's doubled Michael's shame, he didn't even know that was possible. She looked up from her desk, giving Michael a sad smile which made him want to ground to swallow him up but that seemed too good for him.

"Glad you're feeling better, Max said you had the flu?" Maria asked, leaning on her table, looking over at Michael who sat down in the empty seat next to Liz's

"Yeah-yeah much better," Michael lied, looking away to pull his books out.

"Nice to have someone I know back in class," She said. Maria knew lots of people, she was a popular girl around the school; friendly, smart and took no bullshit. But she had lost a best friend, and Michael guessed she also felt like she was losing Liz.

"Don't you have Math with Alex?" Michael said, trying to sound casual. He knew the pair were pretty close, knew that Alex would be there for her, just like he was there for everyone else.

Maria nodded, "Yeah but he hasn't been in for a few days,"

"What?" Michael gasped, feeling like all the air in his lungs had been frozen solid, an icy chill running over him.

"Yeah, apparently some family stuff came up so...it's just been me" She almost whispered. Before Michael could reply the teacher hushed the class. Michael kept his eyes on the desk; Alex hadn't been in all week; that was three days, he hadn't been in school since the tool shed. Michael was planning to go back to see Alex after he'd left the tool shed, make sure he was okay but then Rosa happened. After Rosa had happened he got in his truck and thought about going to Alex, he was the only person he wanted to see but he couldn't. He couldn't bare Alex asking him questions, he couldn't bare lying to him. Michael's foot tapped on the floor, anxious energy surging through his body. Michael wrote nothing down; no notes, no answers. His mind kept running over what Maria had said, various scenarios playing over in his mind about what happened to Alex. Maybe he was grieving Rosa as well? They weren't that close but it was a possibility, maybe there was a family thing that had come up? Or maybe Jesse Manes was the reasons; Michael's stomach cramped at that thought.

The rest of the school day was a blur in Michael's mind, he kept his eye out for Alex, maybe he would come in the fourth period? Maybe fifth? But he never did. Michael left school heading to his truck, throwing it in drive heading towards the UFO Emporium. He knew Alex was meant to be working tonight, he spoke to the guy at the desk, asking if Alex Manes was working tonight; he wasn't. The guy told Michael Alex had the week off. Michael was sat in his truck, his hand tapping the steering wheel. Michael drove back to the usual spot he kept his truck, sitting in his seat, unsure what to do. If things were normal he could just knock on Alex's door, see if he was okay, but things weren't normal, they never would be. When Michael thought about the tool shed he tried to think about the times he and Alex just sat and spoke about life, when Michael played the guitar, when they'd stumbled back into the shed after the UFO Emporium but those memories only lasted a second before Jesse Manes came through that door, hammer in hand. Michael looked at his mangled hand holding the wheel, it was then Michael noticed the sky around him was dark. Michael wasn't sure how many hours he'd been sat in his truck thinking over what had happened. Michael held his hand over the key in the ignition, he had to know what happened. Michael turned the key and headed towards the Manes house. He parked far away, not wanting Jesse to see his truck. Michael edged closer to the shed, holding his hand closer to his chest as he did. The lights inside were off, Michael came to a standstill in front of the door. Before there had been a sliding lock, which was never locked. That had been replaced by a padlock, another lock above that. Michael looked through the window again, making sure it was empty, that Jesse Manes wasn't ready with his hammer. Michael focused on the locks for a moment before they clicked, failing to the floor. Michael shakily reached out, pulling the door slowly open. Michael ducked inside, unable to see much. He let his eyes adjust for a moment, not wanting to risk turning to lights on. Michael looked around; the things on the desk were knocked off, scattered across the floor. The guitar that was normally in the corner was on the other side of the room; the strings broken. Michael wrapped his arms around himself. He tried not to think about that night in the tool shed, but he knew when he left it wasn't this destroyed; something else had happened here. Michael heard a noise behind him; he froze.

"Michael?" Alex said, his voice quiet and unsure.

Michael spun around to see Alex's figure stood in the doorway, his own arms wrapped around himself. Michael walked forward, a smile creeping on his face, the first since-. "Alex!" He gasped.

Alex came in closer, closing the door behind him. "Wha-what are you doing here, how did you get in?" He asked, standing close in front of Michael.

"I uhh, I picked the lock," Michael effortlessly lied. He looked up at Alex's face, unable to see much expect the outline, a few features. Michael fidgeted. "You weren't at school, I wanted to make sure you were okay," He said, hoping his eyes adjusted more so he could see Alex's face, a few days without seeing him was too long Michael had decided.

"You were worried about me?" Alex asked, surprise clear in his voice.

"Yeah, are you alright?" Michael said stepping closer to Alex.

"You shouldn't be worried about me," Alex muttered, he stepped away from Michael, his head bowed. "I-I should have come to see if you were alright but after-" Alex stopped speaking, biting his bottom lip. Michael couldn't see Alex's face, but even in the low light, he could see his body trembling.

"I'm fine," Michael said.

"No you're not, he hurt you," Alex hissed, pointing towards Michael's hand. Michael wanted to step closer to Alex, but the way Alex was standing told him he needed some space. "I should have known this was going to happen, that he'd ruin it, I shouldn't of put you in danger," Alex rambled, turning away from Michael.

Michael reached out and lightly grabbed Alex's bicep, he felt Alex instantly tense beneath him. Michael walked in front of Alex, his hand still on his upper arm. "Hey, none of this is your fault okay," Michael reassured.

"How can you say that-" Alex breathed, shaking his head, unable to look at Michael.

"Because it's true," Michael asserted. Alex still wasn't looking at him and he clearly didn't believe what Michael was saying. Michael quickly walked over to the bench, flicking the small desk light on. He turned around to see Alex, Michael staggering back slightly. Alex's neck was blue and black with a bruise, sweeping across the whole of the front, like a handprint. His eye was encased in darkness, a cut on his eyebrow and cheek. Michael quickly scanned Alex's face further; more cuts, bruises. Michael surged forward towards Alex, "Fuck, Alex-"

Alex took some steps back, his arms tightening over his chest, "It's nothing-" he stuttered.

Michael shook his head, giving Alex some space but wanting nothing more than to go over to the boy and hold him. They had had only one night in the shed but Michael had already grown used to having Alex close to him. "It's not nothing Alex, you're hurt-"

"It is nothing compared to what he did to you," Alex choked back. Michael looked down at his own hand. The bandage was still wrapped around it but even that couldn't hide the damage. Michael moved his hand behind his back.

"It will heal," Michael said, not even sure himself if that was true but right now he needed Alex to believe it.

Michael reached out to touch Alex's face, but Alex flinched away. Michael recoiled his hand back, feeling a hatred for Jesse Manes he'd never felt for anyone. He had spent the whole time praying he wouldn't turn up tonight but after seeing Alex, maybe facing Jesse Manes wouldn't be a bad thing.

"It's nothing," Alex repeated, almost like he was trying to convince himself. Alex walked passed Michael, lowering himself onto the bed, his back leaning again the wall. Michael stood still, watching as Alex pulled his legs up to his chest, his arm wrapping around his legs. The hollowness Michael had felt was replaced with rage; pure, white hot rage directly entirely at Jesse Manes. Michael thought about the times he'd seen Alex stand up to Kyle, stand up for others who couldn't do it themselves. He thought about the smile that Alex had when they'd crashed back into the shed that day. He looked back down at Alex, who was staring off into the distances and part of him broke thinking about how he might never see that smile again.

Michael walked over to the bed, lowering himself down on it. "I'm sorry I left you here alone I-"

Alex let his arms fall from around his legs, "Don't apologies, I didn't want you to come back, not when he was like that." Alex said, his voice sterner this time, more certain. Alex took a breath, pulling himself to the edge of the bed like Michael. Michael looked over, noticing how close his and Alex's hands were and how easy it would be to grab Alex's. "Michael, I'm so sorry," Alex said, his voice halfway between a sob and whimper. Michael moved his hand, placing it over Alex's. He wasn't sure how Alex was going to react, he thought he might pull away, leave the bed. Instead, Alex turned his hand around, brushing over the back of Michael's hand. Michael took a chance and entwined their fingers. Michael looked up at Alex's face, a tear making it's away down his face.

"It's not your fault," Michael assured, Alex closed his eyes tighter, more tears spilling over,

"You shouldn't have gotten in the way, you shouldn't have tried to protect me-" Alex sobbed.

Michael hadn't even thought about it, he'd seen Jesse's hands around Alex's neck, the fear and pain in Alex's eyes and he'd just acted. "It's okay, I mean it's not okay but..." Michael trailed off, nothing was really okay right now. In one night, everything he'd held dear was ripped away from him, thrown into the ocean, the only thing he could do was watch it drift away. "But...I don't regret it," Michael whispered.

Alex's lip trembled, his already teary eyes increasing, tears rolling down his face, landing in his lap. "How can you say that?" He asked.

"I mean it," Michael affirmed. Michael turned to face Alex more, still holding his hand tight. "Right now...you are the only good thing in my life, and I don't wanna let that go, I don't wanna let you go," Michael pleaded. Michael was certain he would never forget what Jesse had done, and he was sure that after tonight he wouldn't be back in this shed but what had happened, none of it had changed his feelings for Alex. As they sat in the low light, fingers locked, Michael almost felt normal. Like they were just two kids sneaking around, no real consequences awaiting them. "My dad-" Alex started

"Your dad isn't going to find out, we'll be careful this time," Michael said. He was used to being careful, to sneaking around, he could manage this.

Alex kept his eyes on Michael for a while, he reached his other hand over, taking Michaels hand in both of his. Alex slowly breathed, like he was trying to calm himself, "I don't wanna risk you getting hurt again," He said, squeezing Michael's hand a little.

Michael pulled his hand from Alex's placing it carefully on the side of Alex's face, mindful not to hit any of his bruises. "He's not going to hurt me Alex, and he's not going to hurt you," Michael said, making his voice as certain as possible. Michael wasn't sure of much right now, but he was certain he wouldn't let Jesse Manes hurt Alex again, whatever the consequences. Michael moved his hand up and gingerly wiped the fresh tears that had fallen from Alex's eyes. Alex reached up and placed his hand on top of Michael. "Someone once told me there are moments worth fighting for, people, worth fighting for; you are one of those people," Michael continued. He felt his own tears run down his face. Alex let his forehead fall forward slightly, lightly resting against Michael's forehead. Michael closed his eyes tightly, his hand still resting on Alex's face, gently brushing his cheek.

"Okay," Alex whispered, Michael pulled back, wanting to look at Alex. Michael felt a small smile on his face, the corners slowly rising, a fragment of hope managed to crawl into Michael's chest. "You're worth fighting for too," Alex said, a smile now growing on his face. The fragment was torn from Michael's chest leaving him breathless, it being replaced by shame and guilt. Michael let his hand slide from Alex's face. The growing smile that had been on Alex's face stopped, resorting back to a troubled frown, "You don't believe me?" Alex asked. Michael turned away from Alex, unable to look at him at the moment. Michael could still smell the gas and burning from that night, the crackling of the metal as it melted in the flames. Michael briefly looked over at Alex, concern still in his eyes, concern Michael didn't deserve. This time it was Alex who reached out and cupped Michael's face, brushing his tears away. "You're one of the best people I've met Michael-"

"Stop," Michael whimpered, tearing himself from the bed. He couldn't hear Alex's kind words right now, not when he didn't deserve them. Michael clenched and unclenched his good hand, trying to settle the energy growing within him. He turned back around to see Alex looking up at him, his eyes furrowed in apprehension, he's moved to sit back against the wall again, his legs hanging off the bed. Michael walked back over to the bed, dropping next to Alex, sitting closer this time. Michael let his head fall against the back of the wall. "Sorry I just..."

"It's okay," Alex said, reached out and placing his hand on Michael's knee. Michael gave a thankful nod that Alex wasn't asking him to explain. For a moment the boys just sat side by side in silence, their shoulders touching. Michael kept his eyes on the ceiling. Michael felt as Alex rested his head against his shoulder, shuffling closer to him. Michael turned his head and looked down at Alex, Michael leaned down and placed a soft kiss on his head. Alex looked up, Michael studied Alex's face, his eyes, even though watery, and hints of pain still dancing across them, there was still so much kindness and love in them. Michael slowly leaned down, placing a tender kiss on Alex's lips. Alex returned the kiss, moving his head up.

A noise from outside caused both boys to leap up from the bed, the pair stood still, neither moving nor breathing. Nothing happened, probably an animal Michael realised, or the wind. Michael looked over at Alex, whose eyes were still glued to the door. Michael walked over, taking his hand, "We're okay," Alex didn't move or say anything, his eyes only on the door. Michael walked in front of him, reaching up to take his face in his hands. "Hey, look at me," Michael quietly said. Alex didn't seem to be listening, his mind somewhere else, whatever Jesse had done once Michael had left was still playing over in his mind. 

Eventually, Alex looked at Michael, "What now?" Alex asked, eyes still flickering over at the door.

Michael looked around the tool shed, knowing this place was as good as dead in terms of a safe place for them. Michael rocked on his heels, thinking. A shy smile crept onto his face, "Well, with some blankets and pillows the back of my truck can be pretty comfy," He said, he watched a smile appeared on Alex's face, Michael pulled Alex closer with their laced hands, "We can drive out into the desert, just us," Michael whispered.

Alex kept his smile as he spoke, "That sounds...perfect" He replied. Michael nodded back, feeling his own smile grow. Alex stepped forward again, closing the gap between them. Alex pressed his lips against Michaels, reaching up to run his hand's throughs Michael's curly locks. Michael rested his hand on Alex's hips, tugging him closer. The pair staggered a bit as the kiss deepened. Eventually, Alex pulled back, his head still leaning against Michaels as the pair breathed heavy.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" Michael asked, his hand still on Alex's hip.

Alex pulled his head back, a slight smile still on his face. "Yeah, here wait," Alex said, turning his back and heading over to the table. After a moment Alex turned back around to Michael a small piece of paper in his hand, he held it out to Michael, "Text me," He said. Michael took the paper, and for a second he felt okay, felt at peace. He slipped it into his pocket. "I should get back to the house, my dad should be back soon," Alex said, his eyes flicking back and forth between the door and Michael.

Michael nodded, part of him wanting to stay longer, to be able to hold Alex, another part of him was screaming to get out of the shed, Michael took Alex's hand one last time for the night, squeezing it "If anything happens text me-"

Alex stepped forward, squeezing Michaels hand back. "I'll be fine," He tried to reassure. Alex looked down at Michael's hand again, then back up at Michael. "Get that hand looked at, make sure it's okay-"

"I'll be okay," He said. Michael wondered if both of them would really be okay, or if they were just lying to themselves and each other. Alex placed a finale kiss on Michael's lips, Michael closed his eyes, cupping Alex's cheek. They parted, Alex stepping back.

"Goodnight Michael," Alex breathed.

"Goodnight Alex," Michael returned, he stood still for a moment, just looking at Alex, he gave a finale smile before heading towards the door. Michael stepped outside walking back to where he had parked his truck. He looked up to the dark sky, the stars flickering. For the first time that week, Michael didn't hope a craft would appear and take him away. He didn't feel the flames against his face, or smell the burning. Instead, he could still feel Alex's lips against his own, see his smile in his mind. Maybe when they told each other they'd be okay it wasn't a lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, sorry about the angst, I promise there will be some fluff in the next chapter to make up for it!
> 
> -AJ


	6. Let's enjoy our now.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After what happened in the shed, Alex and Michael spend the day in the desert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After all the angst of the last chapter here is a light-hearted look at how Alex and Michael spent their days after what happened. Hope you guys enjoy and thank you for all your comments and kudos!
> 
> -Aj

Michael pulled the truck to a stop down the road, his fingers tapping on the wheel as he waited. Michael kept his eyes on the road ahead, waiting for Alex to appear. It had been a few days since the boys had seen each other in the shed, they were going to meet the day after but life had gotten in the way. Alex had said his dad was still angry with Alex and he didn't want to risk his father's wrath once more so they had waited. Michael hated that Alex had to still stay in that house with Jesse, who was now suspicious of everything Alex did. They'd be on the phone and for a minute or two Alex would just go silent and Michael would know that Jesse was outside the room, or in the hallway. Michael himself would stop moving, stop breathing, not wanting to alert Jesse to his presences, even over the phone. Michael ha promised that Jesse wouldn't hurt Alex again, and he was doing everything in his power to make sure that was true. According to Alex, Jesse was out for the day and wouldn't be back till tomorrow. Michael watched as Alex appeared from his house, his guitar in his hand as he walked up the path towards Michael. Alex looked up at Michael, a smile on his face, Michael smiled back, trying to keep his smile up when he was noticed the bruises still on Alex's face. Michael reached over the passenger seat and unlocked the door, pushing it open. Alex placed the guitar in the back of the truck, walking back to the passenger door. Alex grabbed the door and pulled it open more, climbing into Michael's truck.

"Hey," Alex smiled, closing the door behind him.

Michael leaned over in his seat towards Alex, Alex smiled back, leaning over towards Michael as well. They met in the middle, a brief and swift kiss, "Hey yourself," Michael whispered pulling back. Michael went back to the steering wheel, driving off down the road.

"So where we heading?" Alex asked, watching the desert passing by, face relaxed.

"Well, there's this place out in the desert; nice view, empty, quiet," Michael said, a small smile on his. Alex looked away from the window and over at Michael. He took in a deep breath, a smile growing on his face.

"Sounds great," He said.

"I grabbed some food and blankets, hope that's enough," Michael said. Michael had gone over the contents of his truck several times before going to Alex's making sure that he had everything. They had talked for a bit over the phone in the past few days, and Michael could picture Alex's kind smile as they spoke but it had been a while since he'd seen it.

Michael went through everything in his mind again, he looked over at Alex who was looking at him sweetly, his head tilted to the side slightly. "Its perfect Michael," He breathed, the smiling still on his face. "I uh brought my Guitar as well," Michael felt his smile weaken a bit, Michael cast his eyes over to his broken hand which were perched on the steering wheel. He felt Alex's eyes follow it and noticed how Alex tensed up. Michael reached over with his good hand and took Alex's squeezing it.

"I can't wait to hear you play," Michael said, Alex smiled back as they finally pulled up to the desert.

The boys had set up the blankets and pillows in the truck bed, Michael had placed a radio at the end which was playing music. They had sat in the truck and talked, about their days, pointless things that no one else would care about but them. They laughed and smiled under the sun. Michael sat in the back of the truck bed, his back resting against the back window, his hand behind his head as he looked up at the sun. Alex was sat by the side of the truck wall, his legs stretched out across Michaels; their legs entwined with each other. Michael looked over at Alex who was reading something, once of the books that Michael had brought along. Michael watched as Alex studied the book, carefully turning the page and he went. Alex looked up and caught Michael's eye,

"What?" He asked, a shy smile on his face.

Michael, look over at Alex, smiling, "Nothing, just..." Michael carefully leaned over, managing to place a swift kiss on Alex's cheek, "You really are beautiful," He whispered.

Alex looked back down at the book, biting his bottom lip. He shook his head, ducking his head away so Michael couldn't see, and it broke Michael's heart a little to know that Alex didn't believe him, "You're such a charmer," Alex breathed, keeping his eyes down.

"I mean it," Michael replied, making his voice sound more serious. Alex looked up from his book, Michael was determined to make Alex see what he saw. Michael leaned forward again, kissing Alex's cheek, breaking in between each kiss to speak, "How." A kiss on the cheek, "Did I." Another kiss, "Get" Michael moved closer to Alex's mouth, "So," Another kiss on the corner of his lips before pausing to look up at Alex, "Lucky." Michael placed a finale kiss on Alex's lips. He went to pull back when Alex leaned forward, deepening the kiss. Michael reached up and brushed his hand against Alex's face, feeling the boy smile as they kissed. Eventually, they pulled back, their foreheads pressed together. Alex reached up and pushed a curl away from Michael's eyes, placing it behind his ear. Alex seemed to study Michaels face before he looked down for a moment a smile on his face. As Alex looked down, Michael noticed the smile dropped, lessening until it was gone. Michael ducked his head to try and catch Alex's eye line but he couldn't. He followed where Alex was looking and felt his own smile drop. Alex's eyes were fixed on Michael's bandaged hand, the makeshift splint sticking out from under it. "Stop" Michael softly said.

Alex looked up at Michael, his eyes more watery than they were before. "How can you say you were lucky to meet me?" Alex whispered, his eyes going back down to the hand.

Michael had suspected that Alex's guilt hadn't been washed away by his reassuring that night in the shed. Michael used his other hand to reached up and cupped Alex's face, brushing his cheek, "Alex..." Michael breathed. "This isn't your fault," He said, his voice quiet. Michael knew it wasn't Alex's fault, he knew that. However, he didn't tell Alex how he'd stayed away from him for those days not only because of Rosa but some dark part of him had blamed Alex, which he knew was wrong. Alex started to pull away when Michael leaned forward more, "It's just you and me okay, we're okay," He said, his hand still on Alex's face. "We're safe," Michael finally sighed. Alex looked up at Michael for a moment, his eyes had started to clear. Alex gave a small smile again, Michael placed a quick kiss on Alex's cheek before going back to leaning against the back of the truck. Michael watched as Alex went to lean back then stopped himself. Alex pulled his legs out from under Michaels and moved till he was next to Michael. Alex rested his head on Michael's shoulder, the book still in his hand. Michael smiled as he listened to the radio, with Alex peacefully reading by his side.

The boys stayed like that for a while, Michael listening to music and Alex reading. After a while, Alex moved to get his guitar, unzipping it and playing a few choruses while Michael listened. Michael was grabbing a can out of Alex's backpack when he grabbed something else, pulling it up. "What's this?" Michael asked, holding an old camera in his hand.

They were sat on the edge of the truck bed, their feet hanging off. "My camera," Alex said, his guitar resting across his lap. "Well it was my moms, we use to go take pictures of the desert," Alex continued. Michael turned the camera over in his hand, tracing the fine details. He felt as Alex stood up, jumping onto the ground in front of Michael, "Come one," He said, starting to walk away from the truck.

"What?" Michael asked, slipping off the truck bed, placing the camera down on the edge.

Alex passed the guitar to Michael before going over to the camera pushing some buttons as he spoke. "I've had this camera for years and never found anything worth capturing..." He stood up and walked back over to Michael, his hand reaching out to take the guitar back, placing a kiss on Michael's lips "Until now," He breathed.

Michael used his free hand to wrap it around Alex's waist, "Now whos the charmer?" He laughed, Alex, laughing as well. Michael pulled his hand away from Alex, the pair both still smiling and laughing that neither of them realised the camera had gone off. They were sat back on the edge of the truck as Alex looked down at the camera, "How does it look," Michael asked, sitting down next to him.

Alex smiled down at the picture, his face relaxed and looking like the 17-year-old he was, not the world wary person he normally did. "Perfect," He beamed. He turned over to Michael, giving him a small nudge. "Hey, when you're at UNM you can take a copy," He said. Michael's smile was pulled away from his mouth. UNM, that seemed like such a distant plan now, after everything that had happened with Isabel and with Rosa, Max and Michael had decided to stay in Roswell; to look after her and to keep the cover-up. Unbeknownst to them, all of their plans and futures had also burned up in that car. Michael hadn't told Alex yet, he remembered how excited he was for Michael, he also had no idea how he would explain turning down a scholarship for no reason. Part of him didn't want to tell Alex because then it was true, then that was his future; being stuck in Roswell to cover up a murder he didn't commit. "To remember me," Alex finished, drawing Michael out from his mind.

Alex watched as Michael seemed to think like he was deep in his own thoughts. He pulled up his classic charming smile again, "Of course I'll remember you," He smiled, "Because as you said its only a three-hour drive," Michael reached over and took Alex's hand, placing it in his own lap. "So we can see each whenever we want," He grinned.

Alex gave a smile back, looking down at his shoes. Ever since the shed, Alex's father had made it clear to him that going to war was no longer a choice, but what was going to happen. Alex told himself he didn't want to go, he never had. Yet, somewhere hidden away in his heart and mind, deep within the dark cracks was the truth. Jesse couldn't force Alex's too go, not really, but Alex didn't need forcing, not anymore. Pushed down and locked away deep was the truth, this was the first time Alex had wanted to join, to go to battle; to win. "Yeah," Alex said, his voice full of false assurance. He told himself he wasn't lying, he didn't know if he was going to join but his words to Guerin still felt wrong. Both sat there for a moment, neither saying anything as they were lost in their own thoughts. For a moment Alex thought about telling Michael, expressing what he was thinking but he looked over and noticed that Michael was deep in his own mind. Alex just squeezed Michael's hand as they sat there both thinking things they should probably share.

A few hours went by, they'd eaten the food they'd brought and had some drinks and were now lying on the truck bed surrounded by the pillows and the blankets. Alex had his head resting on Michael's chest, his shoulder tucked close to Michael. Michael had his arm draped around Alex's shoulder. Michael had been talking about the sky and the planets, telling Alex facts that he was sure he would never use but he loved the way Michael excitedly told him.

"So, that's Saturn," Michael said, "That real bright one," Michael said, Alex looked up and spotted it, flashing bright against the dark sky.

"I see it," Alex said,

"and over there is Jupiter," Alex looked over and saw the other planet, nodding along as Michael spoke. "And those stars around Jupiter; they aren't actually stars, it's four moons," Michael passionately said, "Io, Europa, Ganymede and Callisto," he listed, and Alex could tell Michael was smiling. He cranked his head up to confirm; he was smiling up at the stars. "Sorry, I'm rambling," Michael laughed, looking away for a moment.

"No, no, I like it," Alex comforted, keeping his eyes on Michael, who was now looking back at him. "I like that you're passionate about it, I mean I've never thought about the sky or space but..." Alex looked back up at the darkening sky, the stars now seemingly brighter. "I like listening to you talk about it," He smiled, Alex twisted so he was lying on his front, looking up at Michael, "Now, I'll always remember Jupiters four moons;"

"Io," He kissed Michael's jaw, "Europa," Another kiss on his cheek, "Ganymede," he whispered, mirroring Michael's actions from earlier, "Callisto," he finally hummed, hovering just above Michael's lips. Michael smiled up at him, moving his head up to catch Alex's lips. Alex intensified the kiss, his hand ran running through Michael's hair, pulling at the ends, enlisting a small moan from Michael. Alex gave a small laugh against Michael's lips. They parted and this time Michael reached up and twisted his hand through Alex's hair. Alex moved to lie down again, this time on his front, his head resting on Michael's chest.

"Do you think we can keep doing this," Alex suddenly asked, speaking into Michael's chest, "Do you think this will work?" The thought had been going over in Alex's head since they'd agreed to meet. Jesse was out of town today, so there was no chance he could catch them, but what about when he was back? When Alex couldn't just walk out of the house without a hundred questions.

"Yeah I do," Michael said, his arm wrapping tighter around Alex, "I think we'll win," He whispered in Alex's ear. Alex turned his head, smiling up at Michael.

He looked at Michael, the bring planet and stars reflecting in his eyes. Alex had no idea how they'd manage to sneak around with Jesse back, if Alex could keep up the lies to his father and what would happen if Jesse caught him. Alex felt a sick feeling in his stomach, he knew what would happen if his father caught him but right now he didn't want to think about that. Alex knew it wouldn't be easy, but as he watched Michael smiling at him, he knew it was worth it. "So do I," He breathed. The boys shared a finale kiss before Alex rested his head back down, one arm tucked close to himself the other laying on Michael's chest, playing with his shirt.

"So you wanna do this again?" Michael asked, his voice sounding tired, but still full of happiness.

"Yeah," Alex hummed, "I wanna do this forever," He declared, his own voice starting to drift.

"Forever it is," Michael finished. Alex felt as Michael placed a tender kiss on his head, smiling into his chest as he pulled himself closer. Michael used the arm that was wrapped around Alex to pull the blanket up around him. Alex listened to Michael's heartbeat and the radio as they laid under the stars, no one around but them. Alex could still feel the bruise on his ribs and throat and he could still see Michael wince from his hand but right now, under the sky and against Michael's chest, the pain seemed less. Forever was a long time but Alex couldn't think of a better way to spend it then nestled against the warmth of Michael, a sense of safety and home he'd never felt before.


	7. Expectations break hearts.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Maria talk about what happened to Rosa and Alex tells her about the guy at the museum, while Michael and Isobel debate sending Liz away and the implications this could have. Finally, Alex and Michael reunite and the impact of Michael's choice ways on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, I really wanted to explore Michael's guilt and feelings around the whole Rosa situation in relation to Alex and how it impacted their relationship and how it started to change Michael. I hope you guys enjoy, once thank you for the support for this series I hope you enjoy this chapter! 
> 
> -AJ

Alex sipped at his milkshake as he sat in the Crashdown, a plate of fries in front of him. Alex looked at his watch, he was meant to be meeting Maria soon for some lunch. It had been about a week since Alex and Michael's first night in the desert, since then they'd spent most days together, Alex giving his father different excuses each time which he believed or at least didn't argue. Alex heard the bell ring behind him in the booth, Alex turned to watch Maria walking in, her hair bouncing on her shoulders and she slipped in the both, sitting across from Alex. Maria had a small smile that instantaneously dropped when she saw Alex's face. 

"It's not that bad," Alex sighed. His cuts and bruises had started to heal, most of them now a deep yellow and green colour. Alex was hearing a hoodie so the dark bruise around his neck was mostly hidden.

Maria tilted her head to the side, "That's a lie," Maria said, sympathy clear in her voice. She reached across the table, her hand close to Alex's "Maybe my mom or the sheriff-"

"Stop," Alex said, his voice rigid and stern. Alex wasn't going to involve anymore else in his crap. He didn't want to risk anyone else's safety, especially his friends. Alex leaned back in his seat, "It was my fault anyway," he sighed, looking out the window.

Maria's face went serious, her eyebrow raised. "Alex, whatever happened I can assure you, it wasn't your fault," she said with confidences.

Alex gave a small smile, "Thanks, Maria," he said. She put her hand on top of Alex's giving it squeeze before pulling back and crossing her arms on the table. 

"Enough about me, how are you doing?" Alex asked, leaning his arms on the table. It had been nearly two weeks since the shed, and two weeks since Rosa. Alex clenched his hands a little thinking about it. Alex was ashamed to admit he hadn't thought about Rosa much, so much going on in his personal life that seemed to take over. During the week he'd managed to call Maria and ask if she wanted to meet.

Maria gave a small smile, but there was no joy in it, "I'm...doing," She said, Alex understood her words, having said them before himself, the words essentially meaning; I'm surviving, she sighed, her head leaning back looking up at the ceiling, "I just-I just can't believe she's gone," She sadly whispered, her eyes still on the ceiling, "Liz is just-devastated, it's like she's gone too you know?" Maria asked, pulling her head back down, blinking away a few tears that had gathered. Alex felt the guilt in his stomach expand, pushing the happiness he had in his chest out. Alex hadn't seen Liz yet, he'd briefly spoke to her on the phone but he said he'd pop over soon and spend time with her, not that would help Liz much.

"I'm sorry Maria," Alex sighed, not sure what else to say.

Maria shook her head, the tears building again as she bit her bottom lip, "It's just the way this town talks, saying it-it was her fault or that she deserved-" Maria cut herself off, taking in a deep breath. Alex had already heard the swell of gossip circulating the town, about Rosa. 

Alex shook his head back, looking out the window at the place he grew up, "Yeah, this town sucks," Alex muttered, how could so much pain and loss be confined to such a small area Alex asked himself.

"I just...miss my friend," Maria said, the anger gone from her face, now just a mournful smile.

Alex didn't know Rosa as Maria did, but he'd met her, seen her around the school. She was kind and outgoing, he understood why Maria was drawn to her. She'd spoke to Alex at school, told Kyle Valenti to screw himself when he'd walked past and said something rude, told Alex to stand up for himself, "So do I," Alex breathed.

For a moment the pair just sat there in silences, both missing their friend. Maria sat up straight, her smile growing, "But enough about the depressing elements of our lives that we can't change, let's talk about something happy," She said, trying to sound brighter.

Alex could see the excitement in her face, as she bit her bottom lip and lightly bounced, "Go ahead," Alex laughed.

Maria smiled widen, leaning forward again, "Okay so what happened, did you talk to the guy? What did he say? wait wait no what did you say?" She rambled, the smile never leaving her face. She moved her arms, resting her head in her hands. 

Alex gave a quick look around to make sure no one could hear him, "Well actually after you left he turned up" Alex quietly said.

"No way!" Maria called, the grin growing on her face, "What did he say!?" She asked, making her voice quieter this time.

Alex smiled as he thought about the day, "He asked to talk," Alex sighed, biting his bottom lip as he spoke, "So we went into the back and..." Alex trailed off, thinking about how Michael's lips felt against his, how his hands grabbed his hips. "and he kissed me,"

Maria squealed in her chair, Alex gave her a small glare as people turned around to look at them. Maria quieted herself, the broad grin still plastered on her face. "Sorry sorry, I'm just-I'm so happy for you!" She said, leaning across the table to squeeze his hand again, "So what else happened," She asked.

For a moment Alex felt his smile about to drop, he caught it just in time, maintaining his calm composure. For a second Alex thought about telling Maria what happened, but in the end, he just decided to smile, "We went back to mine," as Alex spoke he tried not to think of his fathers face; a picture of rage and betrayal.

Maria squinted her eyes before leaning back in her chair, a sly smile on her face "Alex Manes, what a stud" Both of them laughed. Maria reached across and took one of Alex's fries, dipping it into the milkshake, "So you going to see him again?" She asked.

"I've actually seen him most days this week," Alex said, dipping one of his own fries in the shake, "We've just been hanging out in the desert and talking," He said,

"I'm really happy for you Alex," Maria sweetly smiled, "So...who is he?" She quietly asked, leaning over the table. Alex flickered his eyes up to her then back down to his drink. Alex had no idea what Michael's situation was; who knew, who he wanted to know. Alex had never got the chance to tell people himself about his sexuality, he'd been outed by Kyle and from there it spread beyond his control, "Ohhh come one," Maria continued as Alex stay silent.

Alex took in a deep breath, a small but firm smile on his face, "I can't," 

Maria went to open her mouth to speak but she didn't, instead, she smiled back, nodding her head. "Okay, as long as he makes you happy," She finished.

"I've always wanted to leave Roswell, but now..." Alex breathes, a shy smile on his face, "honestly I'd stay in Roswell forever if he kept kissing me," Alex breathed, feeling a faint warm feeling flowing through his body. Maria smiled back at him, and for a moment everything felt normal and good Alex beamed, thinking about their times in the desert. Alex was happy, he was, he told himself that he and Michael were safe. Someone dropped something across the room, the crashing noise echoed across the cafe. Alex winced in his seat, his heart catching in his throat. The noise of the cup echoed in Alex's ears for a moment, somehow blending into a thudding noise like a door crashing open, or a hammer hitting a wooden worktop. Alex dropped the fry that was in his hand, no longer sure he could hold his food down. Alex tried to think about his week, his time with Michael; how they sat out in the sun, how Micheal smiled, how he kissed him, Alex felt the anxiety in his chest lessen. But as he sat and listened to Maria talk the thudding noise of the door and hammer continued to echo in the back of his mind, and Alex wondered if they would ever stop.

"Well, I hope one day I can meet this mystery guy," Maria spoke, cutting through Alex's mind.

Alex smiled back, nodding his head, "I hope you can too," He imagined that Maria and Michael would get on; their both headstrong yet kind. Alex wondered if he'd ever just be able to just sit in the dinner with Michael and his friends; sharing shakes and fries. The crashing noise of the door and hammer increased in his head and a sinking feeling told him he already knew the answer to that question.

Michael stood in his truck bed, moving sheets and blankets around, getting ready to pick Alex up in a few hours, placing the cooler of drinks and snacks at the top of the truck, "Who have you been hanging out with?" Isabel asked, walking up to Michael's truck.

Michael cursed under his breath, how the hell did she find him, "No one you know," He quickly said, not facing her. Before all of this Michael would have told Iz, they spoke to each other about everything but now...Michael turned around to see her watching him, "What do you want Isabel?" He harshly asked.

She tutted, shaking her head, her arms crossed over her chest. "I'm good Michael, how are you," She sarcastically asked.

"Busy so, what's up?" He sighed, jumping down off the truck bed, standing in front of her.

"It's Max," She breathed, "I'm worried," she quickly said.

"About what?" Michael deeply sighed, not wanting to hear his brothers woes after the last two weeks Michael had had.

Iz paused for a moment, briefly looking around before speaking, "I think he's going to tell Liz the truth,"

"What?!" Michael yelled, walking towards her.

"He's talking about how broken she is thinking the crash was her sister's fault and-and how she doesn't deserve this pain," Iz started to ramble, "I think once he sees her at the funeral he'll break," She finished, taking in a large breath.

Michael clenched his hands tight, the energy starting to coarse through his body. "He cannot tell her!" He yelled again, Michael paced on the spot not noticing how the glass in his windshield began to shake a little. "If he does we wind up in some hospital room in the basement of the pentagon being experimented on." He bites back, shaking his head and running his hands through his hair,

"I know!" She called back, throwing her arms out to the side. The siblings were quiet for a moment when she sat on the truck bed, looking down at her hands. "I have an idea," She quietly said.

"What is it?" He asked, coming to sit next to her.

"I can make her leave," She said, her voice stern. Michael frowned looking over at his sister. "Make her skip town...before the funeral," She finished, this time some discomfort in her voice, as she herself was unsure.

Michael thought over what she was saying. He knew it was possible, Iz could do it, but making Liz leave town, before her own sisters funeral to save themselves? Michael clenched his hands tighter. "Why are you asking me, you're Max's sister why do you need my permission?"

"Because your my brother and Max's and I want your advice!" She yelled, clearly herself struggling with the idea of what she was suggesting.

Michael thought about it again, Max couldn't tell Liz. There's no way she'd keep the secret, she'd tell the police, or even worse; her friends including Alex. As soon as Michael thought about Alex he felt an intense pain in his chest, was Michael really about to send his friend away to protect his own family. Michael was already keeping the Rosa secret from him, and even though he didn't speak about it Michael could tell her death had affected him. Michael wasn't sure he could sit and watch the pain in Alex's face that would occur when he found out Liz had left without saying goodbye to anyone. "He can't tell her," Michael murmured, how else could they make Max stay quiet. Michael searched his brain for an answer that wouldn't hurt Alex but he came up blank,  _ there was no other option _ he told himself "Do what you gotta do," Michael finally said, taking a deep breath to steady his emotions. Iz did the same, giving her brother a nod. She slipped off the truck and started to walk away. Michael watched as she left, a sinking feeling in his chest that told him that decision would have consequences even he couldn't predict. 

A few hours later Michael and Alex were sat in his truck bed. Alex had been particularly quiet today, seemingly lost in thought. Michael himself not talking much, his mind still focused on his and Iz's choice to send Liz away. "You okay?" Michael finally asked, "You seem kinda spaced out today?" He went on the say, taking a sip of his drink.

Alex looked off into the distances where the sun was starting to set. He had a sad look about his face, sombre and serious. "I saw Maria today, we talked about Rosa and Liz," For a moment Michael couldn't breath, frozen where he sat. Michael's conversation with his sister played over in his mind again, "I dunno, so much had been going on lately that I hadn't thought about it and now..." Alex turned to look at Michael, they were sat across from one another, their legs folded in front of each other. "She wasn't much older than us and now she's...she's dead," Alex said, the disbelief in his voice plain and clear. The air was cold, but Michael could feel the heat on his face, the ever-present smell of gas growing. He saw Rosa's unmoving dark eyes laid out on the ground, Isabel next to her. He managed to pull his head up to look at Alex, "And like Maria said the way this town has blamed her, said was just some addict that deserved it." The anger was also apparent, "She doesn't deserve that, neither does Liz," Michael closed his eyes for a second; it was true, neither of them deserved the fate they got. But it wasn't fate, it was them; Michael, Max and Isabel, they had decided the girl's fate being judge, jury and executioner. "Sorry for rambling," Alex sighed, clearly noticing Michael's silences and taking that as a sign that Michael wasn't interested. 

"No, no it's..." Michael noticed how dry his throat was, he took a large sip of his drink, looking down at it, finding it hard to look at Alex in the eyes after his confession. "I didn't know you two were that close," He asked.

"We weren't, I'd only spoke to her a handful of times but it was enough," Alex said, Michae gave a small nod. After a moment he flicked his eyes up towards Alex. The growing moonlight reflected in Alex's watery eyes, "It's Liz I can't stop thinking about, not only did she lose her sister but now the whole town hates her and her family...I guess I'm just worried about my friend," Alex said, his voice trembling at the end. Alex ducked his head like he always did when he didn't want Michael to see he was upset. 

Michael wanted to reach out, to take his hand to comfort him; but he couldn't. Michael had told himself he'd protect Alex from harm, from pain, but he'd already broken that promise. He'd hurt Alex the night be blamed his friend for her own death when it was Michael's own sister, he'd hurt him by telling his sister to send his friend away. Alex finally brought his head up, his tears having clear a little. Alex frowned a little, watching Michael's plain face. Michael couldn't find any comforting words to give Alex, nothing to make the pain go away. Instead, he stood up and walked over to Alex, sitting down next to him. He wrapped his arm around his shoulder, he could feel Alex's tense body next to him. After a moment, Alex rested his head on Michael's shoulder. 

"I just want everything to be okay," Alex whispered. Michael rested his head on top of Alex's still not wanting to look him in the eyes, worried it might give something away. Michael felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He reached in and slipped it out, looking down at the screen, Isabel was ringing him. Michael pressed his lips together, he looked down at Alex who was still resting his head on Michael's shoulder. Michael pulled his arm away from Alex, standing up and jumping off the truck, answering the call.

There was silence on the other end for a moment before a small quiet voice.  _ "It's done, she'll be gone by tomorrow," _ Michael gulped, he turned around to look at Alex who was staring at him, a confused and almost hurt look on his face. 

"Okay," Michael choked back, hanging up and putting his phone into his pocket again. Michael didn't move for a second. He looked at an unware Alex, who had no idea that by this time tomorrow his best friend would be long gone without a goodbye...and it would be Michael's fault.

"Everything alright?" Alex asked,  _ No _ , Michael thought. Instead, he just smiled and walked back up to the truck, pulling himself up and sitting across from Alex, his legs pulled close to himself. He watched as Alex sat up more straight, the worried look on his face is replaced with a vacant expression. Michael felt his guilt build and foam in his chest, Alex had just emptied his heart out to Michael and all Michael had given in return was a cold blank stare, no comfort no words to help. 

"Yeah," Michael said, a forced smile on his face. "I'm sorry; about Liz, about Rosa," Michael quietly said, unable to look to at Alex's face as he apologised. He wondered if Alex knew he wasn't just apologising because it happened or because he caused it.

Alex's face still looked unsure, shaking his head he looked into the distances "This town just...ruins everything," Alex muttered, clenching his hands in front of him, tugging the sleeves of his hoodie. Michael couldn't help but notice that Alex had shut down a little, his previous confessing of heartache over his friends seemingly stopped. Michael cursed himself in his mind, he had been so wrapped up in his own thoughts he'd let Alex think Michael wasn't interested or didn't want to hear about his feelings. It was then Alex looked up, his eyes filled with determination, he leaned forward towards Michael's his eyes full, "Promise me, we won't let it ruin us," He pleaded, Michael felt his chest tighten, his legs coming up tighter to his chest. Alex let out a shaky breath, "Promise me that," He asked again, his hands a few inches away from Michael, like he wanted to grab them but stopped himself. 

Michael reached his hands out and took Alex's, entwining their fingers together. This town had done more damage in the last few weeks than Michael would ever imagine, taken more than he could imagine. Michael gave his first sincere smile of the night, squeezing Alex's hands as he spoke. Michael pulled Alex towards him with his hands, Alex came forward, sitting in Michael's lap, straddling him. Michael reached up with his hands, cupping Alex's face, "I promise" he whispered with all the determination he had. 

Alex smiled, leaning forward to kiss Michael, his hands on his shoulders and neck. Michael let his hands travel down to Alex's hips, they parted and Alex smiled again, sliding off Michael's lap to nestle next to him, his head finding its usual place on Michael's shoulder. Michael slowly leaned his head back to look at the cloudy sky, no stars visible. Michael could feel Alex's body next to him, it felt tense and rigid. Michael wondered if it was because he was still thinking about his friends; Rosa and Liz, or if Michael's reply was what had caused the tension. 

_ I promise, _ Michael thought about what he had said, the promise he'd made to Alex. Michael wanted to believe he could keep it, that they would be the one thing this godforsaken town didn't destroy. Then Michael thought about Rosa and the fire, then about Liz and how tomorrow she would be gone. His attainable promise to not let this town destroy them suddenly seemed much less keepable, Michael wrapped his arm tighter around Alex, suddenly feeling like if he didn't, he might slip away. As they sat there in silence he wondered how much this town could push and bend them until they broke and if there was anything to do to stop it.


	8. Love or guilt.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cracks start to appear in the boy's relationship as Michael tries to deal with his guilt alone effectively shutting Alex out and pushing him to a decision he thought he'd never make.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, I wanted to focus on Michael's descent into 'walking bar fight' and what pushed Alex to join the airforce. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy this chapter!

Alex sat at the kitchen table, flicking through a book he was reading, not really reading them, just scanning through the words. Things at home had taken a turn in the last few days, his father's desire to make Alex join up had increased, becoming an unmoving pressure on Alex's chest making everything difficult. Alex had run out of plausible excuses to not join up, having caved and agreed to meet with a recruiter the next day. Alex still had no intention of signing up but he needed to keep his father happy or satisfied at least, knowing he was on thin ice as it was. "Your meeting with the recruiting officer is tomorrow at 7:00AM," Jesse said walking into the kitchen. "I'll drive you there and back," He declared, standing across the table from Alex.

"I can drive myself," Alex said, keeping his eyes on the book.

"No, I want to make sure you go, don't want you missing out," His fatherly coldly said, leaning on the table to look at Alex, "Have you got everything prepared?" He asked.

"Yes," Alex quickly said, he'd helped all three of his brothers with the process he knew what was expected of him, Alex noticed his father was silent, he looked up to see dark eyes staring back at him, his shoulders tense and hands gripping the edge of the table hard. "Yes sir," He said this time.

His dad walked around to table coming to standing next to Alex, he reached down and slammed Alex's book closed, pushing it away from him, "Alex, this is a very important meeting, one that could possibly save your future," Alex wasn't aware that his future needed saving, and he was certain joining the army was not going to save anything. His dad leaned closer to Alex's face, causing Alex to hold his breath, "Take it seriously, I will not be disappointed," Jesse's voice was severe and steady, it was a threat disguised as a statement, Alex gave a small nod, pulling his eyes to look at the table.

His father walked over to the island in the kitchen taking a cup of coffee, sipping it. "Once you've passed the pre-screening then in a few days you'll go to the entrance processing station," His father continued. Alex just sat and listened. He hadn't thought past attending the meeting tomorrow to keep his father happy, but his father clearly had. Alex knew what the recruiter wanted to hear, and knew what to say to throw the meeting but Jesse was smart, he knew Alex would know what to do, if he failed he'd know Alex had done it on purpose, "I'm sure you remember the process from when your brothers did it, all of which are heroes now," The implication as plain and clear; their heroes and you aren't. "We'll put you on the quick ship list so you can get to basic training as quickly a possible, away from this town,"

The pressure on Alex's chest grew like someone had a hand around his neck and was pressing down on his chest. Alex knew what that meant, that meant instead of waiting months to go to basic training it could be weeks, maybe even days. Alex thought he could use those months to try and get out of his contract or come up with a plan but if he was on the quick ship list... "Can't I just be on the normal list, go to basic training in a few months?" Alex asked, standing up from the table heading towards his father who was leaning against the island.

Jesse placed the cup down on the table, crossing his arms over his chest. "Why?"

Alex swallowed, he knew why he wanted to stay, but there was no way on earth he could tell his father, not without digging his own grave. He shifted on his feet, "I mean Maria's still here and after everything that happened with Rosa and Liz-"

Jesse pushed himself off the island, coming closer to Alex, his voice low and frosted, "Rosa Ortecho got herself killed, she and her family will face the consequences of their actions, you are not to get involved," Alex opened his voice to defend his friend, his eyebrows pulled together. Then Jesse tilted his head to the side, stepping closer; he was daring Alex to talk back. Alex slowly pressed his lips together, he wouldn't be bait into talking back, he wouldn't give his father a reason to punish him, "As for Maria Deluca she's a bad influence," His father said, going to turn his back.

"Maria's my friend," Alex proclaimed, his voice loud. Jesse froze mid-turn,  _ shit _ Alex thought, he'd taken the bait.

Jesse slowly turned back around to Alex. Alex held his position, standing up straighter and trying to look taller. Jesse slowly walked over to where Alex was standing, pausing a few inches away from him, "You've lost the right to choose who you associate with," His father spat, he looked Alex up and down, disgust on his face, "Clearly you cannot make good decisions," Alex wanted to look away, not wanting to see his fathers hatred. Alex turned to walk away when Jesse grabbed his bicep, harshly pulling him back to his spot, making Alex stumbled for a second. Jesse kept his hand on his arm squeezing tighter. Alex tried to cover the pain in his face, not wanting to give his father the satisfaction. Jesse reached up with his other hand, jabbing Alex in the chest. "You will be put on that quick ship list and you will not argue," Alex gulp, he could tell his father was reaching his limits, a few words away till things got physical. Jesse tilted his head to the side again, "Or is there another reason you want to stay?" He said, goading Alex to tell the truth.

For a brief second Alex thought about telling him. Telling him he didn't want to leave Maria, didn't want to say goodbye to Michael but he just shook his head, biting his lip, "No sir," he whispered. 

Jesse squeezed his arm even tighter, Alex gasped a little at the pain, clenching his teeth, "After what you did..." Jesse spat, shaking his head with loathing. Alex ducked his head, closing his eyes. Jesse leaned forward close to Alex's ear, his voice low, "You're lucky all I'm doing is putting you on that list, be grateful," He finished. Alex glanced up at his father who was staring at him with piercing eyes. He let go of Alex's arm, walking past him. "Go prepare for tomorrow," His father called as he entered the living room. Alex stood frozen in the kitchen, for a second he thought about going out to the shed but then the crashing of the hammer began to ring in his ears and Alex felt the sickness start. 

Instead, Alex turned and headed up to his room. Alex walked into his room closing the door behind him. He walked over to his desk and grabbed his phone of it, leaning against the desk. He looked down at it, he quickly opened it and pressed his most recent called. The phone rang for a moment when Michael answered, "Hey," Michael said, and Alex could also picture the smile on his face. "I thought we weren't meeting till later?" Michael said, the phone was clearly on speaker, Alex could hear the radio playing music in the background.

Alex felt a small amount of comfort travel through his body, letting out a sigh of relief. "Yeah I know I just..." Alex let out another large breath, noticing how it trembled slightly.

"You okay?" Michael quickly asked, the music on his end going quieter. 

Alex went to say he was fine, it was his default answer when someone asked him. But he stopped himself, he trusted Michael, cared about him, he didn't want to lie to him. Then Alex thought about their conversation in the truck the other day when Alex had told Michael about Rosa. It was almost like Michael had shut down. Normally when they spoke Michael was full of advice or comfort but that day he just sat in silence. Alex told himself he'd been overreacting, Michael was just listening. Alex took in another large breath, "Not really..." he finally answered honestly. 

The music stopped completely, Alex heard as Michael took him off speaker, bring the phone closer to his face, "What's wrong?" He asked, his voice serious. He heard Michael shuffling on the other end, it sounds like he was moving in the back of his truck. "Did your dad do something?" He asked, "I can come and get you-," Michael started to ramble, Alex shook his head even though Michael couldn't see.

"No, no it's fine he didn't do anything," Alex said, using his free hand to rub the bruise that was definitely starting to form on his arm. "You know except being him," he tried to joke, but there was no humour in his voice, he just couldn't muster it. Alex sat down on his bed, sitting with his back leaning against the wall, his legs stretched out in front of him. "He's just been on my case lately, he doesn't trust me so doing anything now requires a 10-minute integration." He admitted.

He heard Michael settle down on the other, the movement stopping. Michael sighed, "I'm sorry Alex," He said.

Alex could tell Michael wasn't just sorry his dad was being a dick, but that Michael was part of the reason that Alex's dad no longer trusted him. "It's not your fault," Alex reassured. "Just been...just been a shitty week," Alex said, his head hitting the wall behind him was a small thud. "After I saw you, the next day I got a call from Maria, apparently Liz skipped town," Alex admitted. He blinked up at the ceiling, "Just packed her bags and left, before Rosa's funeral," Alex said, his voice wavering as he mentioned Rosa's funeral. When Maria had told Alex he was sure he was mistaken, that she'd got it wrong but she'd spoken to her dad, been to the diner and it was true, she as gone. "I don't get why she'd leave without telling no one, I mean Maria had to find out from her dad," Alex said, some of the anger he had buried away starting to creep through. Alex noticed that Michael was silent, just heavy breathing on the other end, "Michael?" Alex asked,

After a moment there was a noise, "Sorry sorry I'm listening," Michael replied. Alex waited for more but Michael didn't say anything, he heard Michael take in a large breath, "Maybe it's for the best you know?" He finally said.

Alex's head fell forward, a frown on his face. "What do you mean?" He asked, struggling to understand how Liz leaving everyone could be for the best.

"I mean, maybe having some space from this town will be good for Liz," Michael tried to assure, but even Alex could tell Michael didn't completely believe it. 

"There's having space and then there-there's running," Alex returned, "I just, don't understand why'd she miss her sisters funeral, I can't imagine what Arturo is going through," Alex said, trying not to think of the pain Arturo must be dealing with, effectively losing both daughters in two weeks.

"I'm sure she has her reasons, Alex," Michael said. Alex was taken aback by Michael's response, his voice sounding irritated.

"Then why didn't she tell them to us," Alex continued, throwing his free arm out to the side. After a moment he let his arm drop, his head once again going back to look at the white ceiling. Alex felt his eyes starting to well again, he slowly shook his head, "Didn't we deserve a goodbye?" he quietly said.

"I'm sure it wasn't personal," Was all Michael said. Alex wasn't sure if it was talking about it or Michaels defence of Liz that was making him angrier.

"It feels it," He snapped. Alex didn't mean to snap at Michael but it seemed like Michael just wanted to defend Liz. Alex couldn't help but think about when his mother left, gone in the morning without a reason or goodbye. "I'm sorry," Alex sighed, taking Michael's silences that he was hurt by Alex's words. "Ugh it's just...then my dad started talking about Rosa and and-" Alex clenched his hand tighter around the phone. "I just...this whole thing is so messy and horrible I just...I just don't get it, I just want answers," Alex said, his voice getting more and more annoyed as he spoke. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore, everything was changing, and everyone was leaving. Right now Michael was the only thing that Alex still had that hadn't changed or left.

"I wish I could give them to you," Michael sighed, his voice sounding heavy.

Alex internally cursed himself, he didn't mean to just unload on Michael but he just needed to talk to someone and he didn't know who else; he didn't really have anyone else. Alex tried to smile as he looked up, tears still gathered in his eyes, "Well instead maybe you could pick me up an hour earlier, not sure I can stay in this house much longer," Alex tried to joke, trying to keep the smile on his face.

There was silence on the other end and Alex felt the smile on his face starting to drop again, he heard Michael sigh before taking in a deep breath. "Umm actually I completely forgot I've got to do something tonight," Michael quickly said.

Alex felt his chest tighten again, his eyebrows scrunching up together as he spoke, "I thought you were free?" Alex asked, trying not to sound too disappointed or upset.

"Yeah, yeah so did I but, I'm uh not, sorry," Michael rushed, his voice sounding distracted. 

Alex frowned hard, they'd had this evening planned for days and Michael hadn't mentioned having anything else to do. "Is everything okay Michael?" Alex asked, Michael didn't say anything else, Alex started to panic, "I didn't mean to yell at you-"

"I'm fine Alex I'm just busy," Michael snapped, cutting Alex off. His voice was stern and distant. Alex felt the ball of anxiety on his chest expand more, pressing against his lungs making breathing hard.

"Okay," Alex quietly said, hating how pitiful he sounded.

He heard Michael let out a deep breath, "I'll-uh, call you later okay," Michael said, his voice softer than before, but still distant. 

Alex nodded his head, pulling his head back from the wall. A stray tear made its way down his cheek, "Yeah," he said, his voice even quieter this time. Both were silent for a moment, neither speaking but still holding onto their phones. Alex went to say something else when the line clicked off; Michael was gone. 

Alex gulped, placing the phone down next to him. Alex started to move off the bed, noticing how tense his shoulders were. He stood in the middle of the room unsure what to do, what had just happened. Had he said something? Was something wrong? Alex was pretty sure that there was something happening in Michael's life that he wasn't telling Alex about. He no longer hung out with Max or Isabel, he was more closed off. Sometimes if Alex looked at him long ahead he could see something behind his eyes like he was lost in some other thought or place, his eyes shrouded in darkness and pain. Alex just wanted Michael to talk to him like Alex talked to Michael. That's what people did, they shared with one another right. 

Alex walked over to his desk, slumping down in the chair, on the table was a booklet his dad had given him to prepare for the interview tomorrow. Alex reached forward, opening the book and looking down, starting to read the information. As he tried to take in the information all Alex could think about was Michael's angry voice, Alex concentrated harder on the words on the page, for the first time this week feeling some excitement about leaving Roswell tomorrow to go to the recruitment meeting, needing some distraction and being able to do something he knew he was good at and could succeed in.

Michael held the phone in his hand for a while, resting in his lap. Michael was scared that if he moved his legs wouldn't be able to support him. Michael's entire body was raging with energy that wanted to escape; a mixture of anger, shame and guilt. Micheal had known that Liz was gone having heard from Isabel and he had been naive enough to think Alex wouldn't talk about it. 

As soon as Alex had mentioned it he had felt himself starting to shut down but then he heard the hurt in Alex's voice, the betrayal. He had tried to make Alex feel better but he was pretty sure he had made it worse, just wanting to give Alex a good reason, maybe to make himself feel better but it hadn't worked. Alex just wanted answers, answers which he deserved and Michael had them, but he couldn't give them...ever. The guilt had doubled, following him around like a shadow he could never lose or like a stone in his shoe. He just wanted to tell Alex, to comfort him, explain that Liz hadn't abandoned him but that she had no choice. Michael knew he couldn't, that Alex would never be able to know the truth.

Michael didn't have plans for the night, his plan was to lie out under the sky with Alex but Michael couldn't handle watching Alex's heartbroken face and hearing his questions knowing he could answer them but was powerless to. Michael stretched forward, grabbing his backpack dragging it towards him. Michael reached into his bag pulling out a large bottle of whiskey, holding it in his lap. After dropping Alex off the other night, Michael had swiped the bottle from a convenience store nearby. Michael just wanted to be able to speak to Alex without the weight of guilt overwhelming him, he'd promised Alex that this town wouldn't break him but as each day went by that seemed harder and harder.

If Alex knew the truth, what Michael had done-Michael pulled the top off the bottle, taking a swing. The dark liquor burned his throat, the heat spreading through his body. Alex could be so betrayed and sickened if he knew the part Michael had played in his friend's death and leaving. Michael took another sip, trying to drown out the voice in his head that wouldn't leave him alone. He could feel the effects of the alcohol coursing through his body, mixing together with the familiar energy he felt when he was angry. Michael noticed that another truck pulled up a while away in the desert, he watched as some kids, probably a bit older than him jumped out, laughing obnoxiously. Michael watched as they pulled out a cooler, and started cracking open beers. One of the guys noticed Michael looking at them,

"Got a problem partner?" One of them yelled, the others around him laughing and now looking at Michael. He knew what he should say, he should say no, put the drink away and just go to sleep. 

"He asked if you got a problem buddy?" Another guy yelled, his voice slurring with drink. Michael clenched the bottle, taking a swig. They were clearly looking for trouble, someone to fight. 

"So what if I do," Michael provoked, feeling the energy in his body growing. The guys all looked at each other before starting to walk over to Michael. Michael chugged more of the drink, placing it next to him. He stood up in his truck bed, narrowing his eyes at them. He should stop this, he told himself, just go to sleep. Then the energy surged through his body again, Michael jumped over the edge of the truck, landing on the ground with a thud, small vibrations going through the ground. They had started it Michael told himself, he was just defending himself. Michael balled his hands into a fist as the group appeared, he just needed to blow off some steam, and these guys were clearly dicks Michael said. Michael felt a sinister smile grow on his face, a part of him knew it was wrong, that he should back down, but the part that wanted to forget about the shame and guilt and was filled with whiskey pushed that thought down, suffocating it.  _ It was just this once _ , Michael told himself, the part of himself that knew that was a lie also currently being smothered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I really wanted to explore the break down of Malex's relationship, we know in the show Alex says Michael turned into a walking bar fight but I wanted to explore that a bit more. While never stated in the show I have to imagine that Michael felt some guilt about sending Liz away knowing how close to Alex she was and how this could have affected their relationship. 
> 
> Also, we know that Alex tells Michael that deep down he wanted to leave for the airforce because he 'wanted to win battles' and I also really wanted to look into that and how Alex got to that place seeing how much he didn't want to leave at the start. 
> 
> Okay info dump over, hope you guys enjoyed my thought process!
> 
> -AJ


	9. I can't be angry for much longer.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael finally tells Alex that he isn't going to UNM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 9 is here! I'm afraid things begin to get angsty here folks, we really get to see how Jesse/Rosa affected Alex and Michael and how it started to destroy their relationship. Hope you guys enjoy!
> 
> -AJ

Alex walked down the road to where he was going to meet Michael. His father was out for the day so Alex didn't need to come up with a complicated excuse as to where he was going. After a while, Alex walked into the field where he could see Michaels truck; being parked in its usual place. He smiled as he saw Michael sat on the edge of the truck bed. He hadn't spoken to Michael since their phone call a few days ago, having only communicated by text. Alex felt some nervousness as he approached Michael, he still wasn't sure where they stood, part of him was convinced that Michael was annoyed with him, another part was sure Michael was hiding something from him. He was more reserved like was trying not to tell Alex something. Alex came closer to the truck, taking in a deep breath.

"Hey," Alex called as he approached the truck rounding the corner to face Michael.

"Hi," Michael smiled, slipping off the truck to kiss Alex.

Alex pulled back, his face screwed up in worry. Alex reached out and cupped Michael's face. "What the hell happened?" He gasped. Michael had a cut on his cheekbone, just below his eye, another one above his eye on his eyebrow. Michael also had a busted lip, small scuffs dotted around his face.

Michael reached up and took his hands from his face, holding them down in front of him, "It's nothing," Michael tried to say but Alex wasn't listening.

"What happened?" Alex asked, scanning the rest of Michael's body for injuries.

"Noth-" Michael started but Alex stopped him, holding a hand up.

"Don't say nothing!" He said, his voice serious. 

Michael chucked his head back, looking up at the sky, letting out an exasperated sigh. "It was just some stupid fight!" Michael said, trying to laugh like it was nothing.

But it was something, "With who?" Alex pressed, not sure what he was going to do with the information once he got it.

"Some dickheads," Was all Michael said. Michael squeezed Alex's hands trying to calm him, "It was nothing Alex, I'm okay, it's just a bruise,"

"How'd you get into a fight?" Alex pressed, he wasn't interested in Michael's deflections. He knew every trick in the book in terms of deflecting questions away, he just wanted to know what had happened and more importantly why he was just finding out.

Michael pulled his hands away, shaking his head, "Alex can we just-just let it go please," He said, it was phrased as a question but it clearly wasn't one.

"You're meant to be going to UNM soon, you shouldn't be getting into fights," Alex said. Michael hadn't said much about college recently and Alex didn't ask, part of him not wanting to think about Michael leaving. He looked at Michael's face, who was looking down to the ground, a somewhat guilty expression on his face. "What?" Alex asked, tilting his head to the side and he frowned.

"I'm..." Michael started before stopping himself, he crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back against the truck bed, "I'm not going to UNM anymore," Michael quietly said, almost as if he said it quietly it wouldn't be true.

"What?" Alex exclaimed, his mouth wide open, "Why?" He asked.

Michael paused, his arms tightening over his chest. "It's...it's complicated," Michael said.

"Complicated? What does that mean?" Alex said, knowing every time he'd said something was complicated he just didn't want to talk about and in fact, it was pretty simple.

"It means its complicated Alex," Michael bite back. 

Alex could feel the tension starting to mount between the pair, neither seemingly backing down from their stances. "You've got a scholarship? what changed in the last 24 hours?" Alex asked. There's no way Michael could have lost it, he had perfect grades. Alex looked up at Michael he was looking down at the ground, scuffing his shoe across the dirt. The realisation hit Alex instantly, "How long have you known you weren't going?" Alex asked, hoping he was wrong in his assumption.

Michael just looked at him, like he was debating with himself. Carefully thinking their words over was normally Alex's default but now it seemed to be Michael's as well. "Just over a week,"

"A week?! Why didn't you say anything?!" Alex asked. Alex's mind was trying to process all the information that was coming in right now. 

"Because it doesn't have anything to do with you Alex!" Michael yelled, "It's my life, and if I want to stay then that's what I'll do," He said sternly. Alex frowned at Michael, since when did they stop talking to one another, since when did they stop sharing. 

Alex's frown grew, his eyebrows pulled tight together. Alex felt his stomach drop; _ Michael was hiding something,  _ Michael's hardened face softened a bit, clearly reading Alex's troubled face. Michael sat down on the edge of the truck bed, reaching his hand out to grab Alex's trying to pull him forward but Alex pulled his hand away, not in the mood. "Plus it means I can spend more time with you," Michael tried to tease but what would normally cause Alex to smile and blush just left him feeling more annoyed at Michael's attempt to deflect. Michael reached forward again and took Alex's hand, he tried to tug him forward but Alex didn't move. "Look...I'm sorry I didn't tell you okay I just didn't want you to be disappointed in me," Alex felt his anger slipping away, guilt filling the space left; _Michael thought Alex would be disappointed in him._ Alex found himself walking towards him, Michael kept pulling him forward until Alex was tucked in between Michael's legs.

"I'm not disappointed...I'm worried," Alex said, watching Michael's face for any kind of answer. 

Michael let go of Alex's hands and placed them on his shoulder, "There's nothing to be worried about, I just decided I'd rather stay here, get a job," Michael explained. Alex wanted to believe him, wanted to believe it was that simple, but there was something in Michael's eyes that told him that wasn't true. "Plus I won't have to drive three-hour drive back to Roswell to see you," Michael moved his hands up Alex's neck, running his hands through his hair, "Okay?" Michael asked, looking up at Alex with pleading eyes and soft smile. 

The guilt in his stomach crawled its way up to his throat; He'd gone to the recruitment meeting and hadn't told Michael about it. Alex had flown through the pre-interview, saying and doing everything right. In a few days, he was meant to be going to a two-day military entrance processing station out of town. 

Alex knew he would fly past this, his father having practically trained him for this for years. Alex had told himself he would throw the pre-interview and stop this from going any further, but he hadn't, instead, he'd made sure he passed. Alex wasn't sure what he would do when he reached this place; if he threw the process his father would know he did it on purpose and Alex didn't want to think of the ramifications of that. If he did well then a few short days later he would be on the quick ship list and then Alex's time would be truly limited. Alex had thought that if Michael was at UNM then at least if Alex had to be shipped out it wouldn't be as hard, they would both be working would see each other when they could, but with Michael staying...it would just be Alex leaving. 

Alex opened his mouth to tell Michael the truth about him enlisting but the words wouldn't leave his mind, like there was someone pulling them back, locking the door. "Okay," Was all Alex said, pushing his own smile on his face. He would figure away to get out of signing up he told himself, there was no need to worry Michael. Michael stood up from the truck, leaning forward to give Alex a quick kiss. Michael pulled back and got into his truck, Alex ran his tongue across his lips, frowning, he could taste the alcohol on them. Alex shook his head; he had to be wrong, there was no way Michael could get alcohol, he didn't even like it, he'd told Alex that himself. Alex squinted his eyes at Michael who was sat down on the truck, looking up at the sky; but maybe Alex didn't know Michael as well as he thought. Alex pushed down his want to question Michael more and climbed into the truck. Alex sat next to Michael, once he did Michael reached over and took Alex's hand.

Alex ran his fingers over Michael's hand, every now and then looking up at his bruised eye. "You sure you're okay?" Alex asked again, not being able to help himself.

Michael gave a smooth smile, "Nothing spending the day with my boyfriend can't solve," He said.

Alex felt his breath coming to a crashing halt in his throat, "Boyfriend?" Alex gulped. 

Michael's smile dropped a little, a shy look coming across his face, "I mean, I know we never talked about it but-" Alex surged forward and kissed Michael, Michael kissed him back untangling his hand from Alex's to wrap them in Alex's hair. Alex pulled back, resting his forehead on Michael's, his chest vibrating. Michael laughed, biting his bottom lip, "I'm guessing you're happy with that arrangement," He joked.

Alex smiled back, nodding his head giving his own small laugh. "You mean being your boyfriend, yes-yes I am very happy with that," He continued, all the anxiety from earlier being pushed down and forgotten about; everything was fine. 

Michael placed a kiss on Alex's cheek, "Good" He whispered, kissing Alex on his jaw, "So am I," he continued. Alex smiled as Michael continued to kiss him, part of him knew he shouldn't let Michael sidetrack him, that he should ask more question but right now he just wanted to be with his boyfriend and forget about everything else. Michael reached forward and grabbed the front of Alex's shirt lightly pushing him down onto the truck bed floor, following him down his a smile.

Alex was laid out on the truckbed, looking up at the sky with a pillow under him. Michael was resting his head on Alex's chest, both of them in comfortable silence. 

"Have you got any water?" Alex asked, looking around the truck bed.

Michael pulled his head up for a moment looking around, he motioned his head towards his backpack. "Uhh yeah in that bag," He said. Alex reached forward until he grasped the bag by the tailgate. "Thirsty?" Micheal teased. Alex turned around and gave Michael a playful glare. Alex turned back and reached into the bag, his hand wrapped around something glass, he went to pull it out when he noticed what it was; whiskey. 

Alex froze for a moment just looking down at it; that explained the kiss earlier. How did Michael get it? why did he have it? Alex could tell from its lightness that it was empty. Alex let the bottle go all the calmness he'd had felt was gone again, replaced by tension mounting in his chest, like a constant itch. He put the water back into the bag and turned to look at Michael, his eyes were closed and his chest was rising slowly, his face looked so calm and relaxed. It was then Alex realised he hadn't seen that face in a while, before the shed. Alex had tried to tell himself that this all wasn't because of the shed, that his dad hadn't done all this damage, but as the days went by and Michael became more closed off Alex wasn't sure what other conclusions to come to. Alex laid back down next to Michael, looking over at his peaceful boyfriend and wondered how long this would last. 

_**later that night** _

They'd spent the whole day sleeping and fooling around and for the first time in days, Michael felt like they were a normal couple. When Alex had first turned up Michael wasn't sure how things were going to go, Alex seemingly very determined to get the truth. Michael hadn't exactly lied, it was just been a stupid fight with some dicks. He had just left out that he'd go into the fight the night he was meant to see Alex and had been drunk at the time on whiskey he had stolen. 

Michael was sat on the edge of the truck bed watch as Alex pulled on his jumped, leaning down to tie his boots up. His dad was going to be home soon and Alex needed to get back before him, not wanting to alert Jesse to the fact he's snuck out. Alex stood up straight turning to face Michael, flatting out his jumper that had gathered around his belt. Michael wandered forward, stopping in front of Alex. He leaned forward and kissed Alex, watching as the boy smiled back. Alex's eyes seemed to go over Michael's shoulder to something in the truck. Alex stepped back ducking his head for a moment. He looked back up at him and Michael felt an ominous feeling come over the desert, sure the wind around them had gone from warm to cold.

"So you're really not going to talk to me about what happened?" Alex said, his voice sounding defeated. 

_ There is was _ , Michael thought, "What do you mean?" He asked, playing coy.

Alex gave a sad smile, "Look you don't wanna tell me why you're not going to UNM...okay," Alex said, but then he shook his head, "But fighting?" he asked.

Michael thought he'd sorted this out, he just wanted to spend the day with Alex not talking about the pass. "Alex drop it," He urged.

Alex seemed to think about it for a moment, and Michael was about the brief a sigh of relief when Alex seemingly changed his mind. He motioned his head towards the backpack in the truck, "Was it because of the whiskey?" He asked.  _ Fuck _ , Michael thought, he'd completely forgot to get rid of that before today. "Stealing Michael, really?" Alex asked, a slightly accusatory tone in his voice.

"What makes you think I stole it?" Michael shot back.

"The fact that you're not 21!" Alex scoffed like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Alex gave a small pout, "Drinking? Fighting? What is going on?" He asked.

"Alex you are blowing this outta proportion!" He resorted, trying to change the subject again like last time, but Alex continued to dig his heels in, causing Michael to do the same.

"Why won't you talk to me, Michael!" Alex yelled and Michael was sure it was the first time he'd seen Alex lose his temper, his eyes full of sadness and confusion. 

Michael felt his chest throb with pain, he's pushed Alex to this point, Alex never yelled, never was anything but kind yet here they were yelling at each other under the darkening sky. Michael wanted to talk to Alex, wanted to sit him down and tell him everything that was on his mind, why there was a growing numbness in his chest but he couldn't. "I am! I do!" He said, trying to sound confident. Why didn't Alex understand, why couldn't he just leave it alone, Michael was trying to protect him.

"So tell me what happened!" Alex yelled again, throwing his arms out to the side. 

Michael shook his head, going to walk past Alex towards the front of the truck when Alex stood in front of him, Michael leaned his head to the side in a way that said ' _ really? _ ' Alex's look told him he was serious, Michael went to push pass Alex when Alex spoke his voice full of frustration and anger. “Michael-” Alex grabbed Michaels arm to stop him from moving. Michael harshly shrugged his shoulder, flinging his arm to the side to try and shake off Alex’s hand. Michael was so lost in his thoughts and frustration that he didn't even notice the surge of energy as he threw his arm to the side, not noticing that Alex was stood close to him. 

Before he could pull his arm back it collied with Alex’s chest, making him stumble back. Michael quickly reached out to grab Alex's arm but he missed as Alex staggering back hitting the truck wall, a small thud echoing into the night, the sound somehow screaming in Michaels's ear. Michael felt as if all the rage in his body had been drained out, his mind suddenly sickeningly sober and clear. He watches as all the anger seemed to instantly drain from Alex’s face too. 

Michael stepped forward towards him when Alex flinched, small and short, but it was there. His body pulled back, his head moved to the side. _Michael had scared Alex._ Michael felt an intense rush of sickness go through his body, waves of guilt almost drowning him completely. Alex kept his eyes to the floor, his arms wrapping around himself like he always did when he was frightened; like he'd done the night he'd rushed into the shed or the night Michael had seen him with the bruises on his face. Michael felt his eyes starting to blur, he blinked a few times to clear them, he’d hurt Alex, that was all Michael could think right now. The one person he never wanted to hurt, the one person he promised he never hurt was stood fearful in front of him, because of him. Michael took a small step forward again, Alex didn’t move this time.

“I’m so sorry Alex,” Michael almost cried, his voice getting stuck in his throat the whole time. Michael reached up his hands to place them on Alex’s cheek when he paused, seeing if Alex was flinching away or uncomfortable, Alex wasn't but his eyes still not looking at Michael. Michael reached out and cupped his face, his forehead leaning against Alex’s, their noses almost touching.

“I-I didn’t mean to, I’m so sorry Alex, I’m so sorry,” Michael cried, Michael moved his hands from Alex’s face to his shoulders; they were tense, solid and unmoving. Michael went to move his hands down Alex’s arm when Alex hissed in pain, Michael's eyes shot up to Alex’s face, but he had already steadied it. Michael looked where his hand was, just at the base of Alex’s bicep. Maybe Alex had hit it on the truck or cut it. Michael staggered away for a second “I hurt you” he breathlessly said.

“You didn’t hurt me, ” Alex croaked back, his voice soft, he walked forward towards Michael.

Michael closed his eyes for a moment, spending time with Michael was meant to be an escape his father's anger and in return, Michael had made it worse; he’d scared him. Alex reached up and rubbed his arm where Michael had been, Michael stepped forward again, looking down at Alex’s arm. He reached up and placed his hand on the edge of Alex’s sleeve, pausing for a moment. Alex moves his hand away, telling Michael it was okay. Michael carefully rolled up Alex black sweater. Right where Michael has touched Alex’s arm was a deep bruise, small indentations from fingernails, almost like little cuts. Michael carefully rolled down the sleeve his eyes swelling with tears again. “I had no idea,” Michael whispered. Michael had been so wrapped up in his own crap that he hadn't even noticed that Alex was hurt; he hadn't even thought to ask.

Alex simply nodded, Michael carefully wrapped his arms around Alex’s shoulders, laying his head on them. Alex kept his arms around himself the whole time, still tense and unmoving. "I'm sorry," Michael said again, knowing it wouldn't change anything but not sure what else to say. Alex's arms shifted and Michael felt as they wrapped around his shoulders, tight. Michael closed his eyes as the boys stood swaying in the desert, clinging to each other. Eventually, they pulled apart, Michael went to speak when Alex interrupted.

"It's okay, I'm okay," Alex hushed. "It was an accident, you didn't didn't see me" He continued, his voice sounding understanding but Michael wasn't sure anymore. Alex reached out and quickly cupped Michael's face, giving him a faint smile "I'm okay," Alex quietly said. Alex stepped back, "I've got to get going," He said, looking down his watch, "My dad.." He trailed off, knowing Michael would understand. 

Michael nodded his head, "Yeah, yeah I uh I get it," Michael nodded. Alex did the same back and for the first time, an uncomfortable silence came over the two. Alex smiled back at Michael before he started to walk off back towards his house. Michael fell back against the truck, his breath quickening. Michael pressed his eyes together, just wanting to open them and be back at the start of the day when he could do everything again. Maybe this is what the aliens did Michael worried, maybe they just hurt people; like Rosa, Katie, Jasmine. Maybe Michael was no different. Michael got into the cab of the truck, closing the door. He wrapped his hand around the steering wheel, he wished he had more whiskey in the bottle, wanting to numb everything he was feeling right now. Michael threw the truck into drive determined to find the closest liquor store with the worst security. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I went back and forth with the last section where Michael and Alex argue and Michael accidentally pushes Alex. I wanted that scene to show that Michael was starting to get angrier, losing control of his powers etc. like Alex says 'he became a walking bar fight,' I just want to make it very clear that I am in no way saying Michael was ever physical with Alex. 
> 
> -AJ


	10. We promised too much.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex finally reveals to Michael his fathers wishes for him to join the air force, this leads to Alex weighing up his chocies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry for the delay in uploading real life got very hectic! 
> 
> So we are starting to head towards the end of this fic 🥺 I believe there will be around 3/4 chapters left which I will be posting over the next month!  
> Once again an angsty chapter but some nice Greg and Alex interaction to help! 
> 
> -AJ

Alex sat on his brother's bed, watching him unpack. Gregory was back in town for a few weeks on leave, having arrived a few hours earlier. His welcome back had been very formal when his father was there, handshakes and head nods. Alex had offered to help Greg unpack, in reality, he'd just wanted to spend some time with his brother away from his father. Greg was putting things on his desk when he stopped, looking over at Alex. Greg seemed to be thinking about something, he leaned against the side of the desk, "I'm sorry about Rosa, I know you were close with her sister," Alex gave a sad nod, feeling the familiar guilt of not having seen Liz before she left. Greg gave a sad smile before going back to unpack his clothes. 

"Do you enjoy it? The army?" Alex suddenly asked, sitting on the edge of his brother's bed, looking down at his hands.

"It's the army," Greg said after a while.

"That doesn't answer my question," Alex sighed, glaring at his brother.

Greg glared back, "I heard you went to a recruitment office a few days ago, you got training soon?" Greg asked, closing his wardrobe door as he finished unpacking.

"Yeah in a few days," Alex replied, his voice lacking any emotion. He watched as Greg threw his bag on top of the cupboard, turning round to face Alex. He walked over to the desk and perched on it, watching Alex.

"What's going on?" Greg asked. Alex looked away for a moment, crossing his arms over his chest, before reaching up to rub the back of his neck, his other hand playing with the hem of his sweater. He didn't even notice as Greg walked over to him, sitting on the bed next to him. "Talk to me," Greg asked, nudging his shoulder into Alex's. 

Greg had been enlisted for a while, having been gone from the house for 2 years. When he was at home Greg and Alex were always close, Greg would protect Alex when he could. Alex gave his brother a fleeting smile, before bringing his hands back into his lap. "I don't know what to do," Alex murmured, rubbing the palm of his hand with the other.

"What do you mean?" Greg asked, his eye's narrowed.

"I-I don't wanna leave," Alex confessed, not wanting to look at his brothers face as he did. "If I screw up the session dad will know but if I pass then I'm on the quick ship list and could be gone in a few weeks or or days-"

Greg leaned forward on his knees, the corner of his lips pulling down. "Dads putting you on the quick ship list? Why?" Greg asked, sounding surprised. Neither of his brothers; including Greg, had been put on the quick ship list, all being allowed to spend their last months saying goodbye. 

Alex finally looked over at Greg, his brother watching him closely. Alex looked back and focused on a loose thread from his jumper, "He's angry with me, he-he doesn't trust me, to stay here" Alex quickly said. It was clear that what had happened in the shed had been the finale straw for his father.

"What happened? Alex are you okay-" Greg started turning to face Alex, his hand going to his shoulder.

"It-it doesn't matter," Alex interrupted, standing up from the bed to avoid his brother comforting touch. "But right now I don't wanna piss him off more than I already do by just existing," Alex said.

"Then go," Greg said, clearly not understanding the predicament Alex had found himself in.

Alex could feel the frustration building in his chest. "but I don't want to," Alex confessed.

Greg sighed, his shoulders slumping a little, for a fleeting moment Alex thought maybe his brother understood, "Alex...look I get you're scared-"

Alex threw his arms out to the side, "It's not that!" Alex yelled, clenching his hands repeatedly by his side.

Greg furrowed his brow and rubbed his hands down his face, tilting his head to the side. "Then why would you wanna stay? this is your chance to escape? to get outta here," That thought had played over in Alex's mind since his father had mentioned enlisting; he could leave, he wouldn't be stuck in this house. He wouldn't have to walk on eggshells around his own father for fear of punishment; he would be free.

"it's not that simple," Alex reminded himself, getting too lost in the idea of leaving, "There's-theres people that need me here, okay? I can't just take off-"

Greg stood up from the bed, walking towards Alex, "Alex, I'm sure Maria will understand, I mean-"

"I'm not talking about Maria!" Alex cried, all the pent of frustration starting to spill out, Alex unable to stop it.

Greg just watched Alex for a moment, his eyes still narrowed and questioning. Greg's eyes softened, a sympathetic smile starting to appear for a moment before that too disappeared. Greg walked back to the bed and sat down, he nodded towards space next to him. Alex stood still before carefully walking over and sitting next to his brother. "Whoever you're talking about Alex...I'm sure if they care about you, they will understand that you have to leave" Greg quietly said. Alex looked over at his brother, scared for a moment he might see the same hatred and disgust in his brother's eyes as he had in his father, instead, there was just kindness and understanding. "It's dangerous for you here Alex," Greg continued, a hint of guilt flickered across his face before the soldier mask was pulled back over his face. "If dad found out-"

"You don't have to tell me" Alex quietly spoke, trying not to focus on the sounds and images that started to fill his mind.

"He already did, didn't he?" Greg asked, his voice also quiet, "That's why he put you on that list?" Greg said, finally starting to understand what Alex had been trying to explain.

Alex looked across the room, his eyes not focusing on anything as they started to well with tears. "I was just so caught up in everything and-and dad came home early" The rest of the words turned to rocks in Alex's throat, getting stuck as he tried to speak. 

"Shit, Alex I'm..." Greg stopped himself, Alex looked over to see his brother clenching his hands, his face a pure picture of fury. Greg took a breath, hints of the ferocity leaving his face but hints of it still danced across his eyes. Alex felt as Greg stood up from the bed, as Alex stared off across to room his brother came into his vision, kneeling in front of him.

"I'm so sorry little brother," Greg whispered, he carefully reached out and placed his hand on his knee, giving it a small squeeze. Alex wanted to go back to feeling annoyed and angry, those were feelings that were so much easier to managed and control. Alex felt a tear slip down his face, unable to stop the overwhelming despair that flooded his body.

Alex just shook his head for a few seconds, unable to find the words he needed. "This isn't fair," Alex whimpered, unable to say anything more.

"I know, Alex," Greg said, trying to comfort his brother. "But this might be your only chance to get outta here," Alex looked at his brother in front of him, Greg moved his hand from Alex's knee and placed it on his shoulder, "I would take it," Greg finally said. With that, Greg patted him on the shoulder and left the room. Alex was meant to see Michael in a few hours, they hadn't seen each other since their argument the other night. Alex could still see Michael's guilt-ridden face as they stood in the desert. Alex knew Michael hadn't meant to push him, _ he knew that _ , but it didn't change what happened, it didn't change that Michael was seemingly breaking and wasn't tell Alex why. Alex looked at the clock, he had a few hours till he had to see Michael. Normally Alex felt the excitement growing in his chest at this point, just watching the clock till he could see Michael...but today was different; the excitement was replaced with anxiety.

_**Later that day** _

Michael and Alex walked through the desert, Michael's truck somewhere in the distances. Alex looked over at Michael who was staring ahead as he walked; his eyes seemingly focusing on nothing, but Alex could tell he was thinking about something. "You're quiet," Michael asked as turned to face Alex. 

Alex gave a small forced smile, nodding his head a little, "Just-just a lot going on, my brothers back in town and my dad's still on his warpath," Alex said.

"How long is he in town for?" Michael asked.

"A few weeks, he's on leave from the army he's heading out of town for a few days after he drops me..." Alex quickly pressed his lips shut, realising he had started talking too much. Alex hated that he was keeping things from Michael, he used to be the only person he could talk to freely.

"Drops you where?" Michael asked, stopping in his tracks, a confused looked on his face. Alex thought about lying, he was sure Michael wouldn't ask questions, he didn't ask much these days. Alex turned to face Michael more; that's not who they were, he told himself, they didn't lie.

"Remember I told you my dad wanted me to enlist?" Alex quietly said.

"You and you said you didn't, you wanted to make music," Michael finished. Alex remembered telling Michael that in the shed, back when everything was simple. 

"Yeah-yeah, well..." Alex started, feeling his nerves spiking in his chest. "I went to a recruitment session a few days ago and passed," He started, Alex didn't look up at Michael as he rambled, "I've got a two-day training and processing session and then-"

"And then what Alex?" Michael interrupted, his voice already sounding worried. 

"Then my dad wants to put my on the quick ship list, that means if anyone drops out; I would be automatically deployed" As Alex spoke the reality of the situation started to take hold, he could be gone in weeks or days. Alex decided to be more optimist when speaking to Michael, hoping he could convince him and himself it wouldn't be that quick. "It could be a month or weeks-"

"Or days?" Michael said, it was the first time Alex had looked at Michael's face since telling him and he already regretted it, his face one of pure betrayal. "So you were just going to leave?" Michael asked, his face screwed up in confusion.

"No of course not," Alex tried to reassure, walking over to Michael.

"Then why didn't you tell me," Michael asked. Their conversation was ominously similar to the one they had  about Michael not going going to UNM and lying to Alex. 

Alex shook his head, "I was going to," he started.

Michael gave a sarcastic smile, huffing as he spoke, "Really?"

"Yes but then you said you weren't going to UNM and and-" Alex wasn't sure what else to say, he himself not quite sure why he didn't tell his boyfriend. Alex told himself it was because he didn't want to leave and needed more time to fix it but...but deep down Alex knew that maybe there was another reason why he hadn't told Michael; a reason he wasn't quite yet ready to admit to himself.

Michael pointed his finger at Alex, "You gave me shit for not telling you about dropping out and and now I find out you've been signing up for the army behind my back," Michael accused.

Alex shook his head, the words stinging more than he wanted to admit. "It wasn't behind your back," Alex defeated, although even as he said it he wasn't sure it was true, "I was trying to figure out how to get out of it before I told you" Alex finished, he reached out and took Michael's hand, trying to give him a reassuring smile.

Michael's face softened for a moment, "Did you figure out how to fix it," Michael asked, Alex bite his bottom lip, ducking his head. Michael pulled his hands away from Alex, walking away. He reached up and ran a hand through his hair, turning back around to face Alex. "So in a week or two, you could be gone?" Michael asked. Alex didn't say anything and Michael seemed to understand what that meant. "Why are you even going to these sessions if you don't wanna join," Michael asked.

"I don't have a choice, Michael," Alex said.

"Yes you do," Michael came back towards Alex.

"I don't," Alex yelled, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose, he let his hands fall to his side. "Not anymore," He quietly finished.

"Ohh so this is my fault," Michael said with a bitter laugh.

Alex pulled his hands out of his pocket, throwing them out to the side. "I never said that!" Alex shouted. Alex took a large breath, he hated yelling, he hated feeling angry he'd seen what it'd done to his dad. Every conversation Michael and he had lately seemed to be a battle, one of them accusing the other of something, the trust that had been there before somehow slipping away. "I'm-I'm going to find a way to get out of this okay but-"

"but what" Michael interrupted, his arms crossed over his chest as he looked at Alex.

"You said it would be good for Liz to get some space from this town maybe it would be good for us?" Alex said, trying to focus on any positive that could come from this situation.

Michael paused for a moment, his brows knitted in confusion. "For us? He asked,

"Look I'm not saying you have to come with me I would never expect that but you could leave Roswell and we could-I dunno start over?" Alex started, if Michael wasn't going to college maybe he wanted to do something else, Michael had spoken about travelling. Alex walked towards Michael, his arms out to the side. "This-this is all hypothetical okay I haven't even gone to the session, I haven't even passed-"

"But you will, and then you'll be gone," Michael said, his voice heavy.

"The chances that I would be deployed quickly is unlikely okay? I've got weeks to figure something okay?" Alex said, not sure who he was speaking to anymore; Michael or himself?

Michael seemed to think about it, his face and body were still tense, his hands clenched next to him. Alex went to take them when Michael spoke, his voice laced with anger. "Your dad shouldn't be forcing you to go"

"I kno-" But Michael wasn't listening, already continuing on his rant.

"What kinda father forces his kid to join the airforce at 17!" He yelled, Alex felt himself unintentionally flinch as Michael yelled, a reflex he had his father to thank for. Michael brought his hand up to his chest, making a tight fist, "Swear if I ever see him again I'll-"

"Michael!" Alex said, trying to calm the boy in front of him who looked like he was going to explode with rage at any moment.

"Why aren't you angrier!" Michael cried, throwing his arms out to the side, "He's essentially sending you to die, Alex, don't you get that?!" He shouted stepping forward towards Alex, causing him to step back. "And your brothers just going to let him," Michael continued. "Get angry, you deserve to be angry!" Michael said.

"Michael stop!" Alex finally yelled back, his chest heaving. "I-I don't want to be angry," Alex started to explain, "It doesn't lead anywhere good okay, trust me," He said. Alex felt his chest tighten as Michael looked away, but not before Alex noticed the guilt appear in his eyes. "This is the situation we're in okay," Alex calmly said, he once again reached out and took Michael's hands, trying to soothe him. "And we're going to deal with it together," He said, smiling at Michael who still had a displeased look on his face. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you," Alex said, reaching one of his hands up to run his through Michael's hair, his hand coming to rest on the back of his neck.

Michael gave a small smile back, nodding his head. "I'm sorry I got so angry, it just-" Alex felt Michael tense again, before squeezing his eyes shut. "I'm just worried , I can't stop thinking about you over in some war zone alone-" Alex moved his hand to cup Michael's cheek.

"Hey, hey, I'm right here," He comforted, brushing Michael's cheek with his thumb.

"Yeah for how long?" Michael quietly said. Alex knew it was a rhetorical question but it still hung heavy in the air, Alex felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He ignored it for a moment before reaching in and pulling it out, reading a message from Greg. "Everything okay?" Michael as after a moment.

Alex sighed as he placed the phone back into his jean pocket. "Yeah it's my brother, he needs me back at home," Alex took a long breath, forcing a neutral smile on his face. "Look, we're going to work this out okay, I'm going to figure something out," Alex said, he walked forward and placed a kiss on Michael's lips. Michael chased the kiss, his hand's finding their way to his hips.

Michael rested his forehead on Alex's "Promise?" He asked.

Alex opened his eyes, looking at a peaceful Michael in front of him. Alex wasn't sure he could make that promise. He still had no idea how he would get out of this. He had to go to the training session and he had to pass, then he had to work out a way to no go, to not be deployed. Then the tightening in his chest appeared again as the thing Alex didn't want to admit struggled to break free  _ did he want to get out of it, did he want to sign up?  _ Alex looked at Michael again, the peaceful look now becoming one of worry. "Promise," Alex finally said, a brief smile on his face. Those simple words were enough to make Michael relax again, the fact that Alex wasn't sure he could keep them pushed back into his mind.

Alex walked through the front door, his father was leaning against the worktop. He motioned his head towards the backdoor. Alex gave a simple nod and walked towards it, he found the less he said nowadays the less chance he had of being punished. He pushed open the back door. 

Greg was leaning against the fence in the garden, Alex started to walk over to it when his eyes found the abandoned shed. Alex hadn't been in there since he and Michael had spoken, his father having deserted it as well. Alex could hear the wind chimes behind him, somehow morphing into the sound of a door slamming or metal striking wood. Alex had always seen that place as his safe space, as somewhere his father could never hurt him; yet he'd found a way. Alex's own injuries were of little consequences to himself, nothing that hadn't happened before and wouldn't happen again. It was what was done to Michael, the pain and agony in his face that haunted Alex. That caused his stomach to churn and cramp whenever he thought about that night. Alex finally reached Greg, who was watching him with a close eye.

"Dad wants me to do some training with you for your requirement session," Greg said, Alex simply nodded not sure he could muster words right now. The noises and images of the shed still ringing in his mind. "Did you think about what I said earlier?" Greg asked, clearly referring to their talk about Alex enlisting.

"Yeah, I did," Alex finally said, standing in front of his brother.

Greg nodded, waiting for Alex to say something. In the end, Greg raised his eyebrow, "And?" he asked.

Alex inhaled a deep breath, "And..." It was then that realised that even after his talk with Greg, his argument with Michael he still didn't know what he was going to do. He didn't want to leave Michael, but Alex wasn't sure he could stay in Roswell for much longer. He had told himself over and over that he didn't want to go to war, that he didn't want to fight in battles but lately, he was finding it harder and harder to believe that. Alex knew that if he didn't want to join up, he could just leave Roswell, jump in a car and drive as far away as he could like Liz had done. His father would disown him but Alex wouldn't mind. He could stay with Michael, they could be together somewhere new; Alex making music, Michael inventing some technology that could save the world. It was a nice idea Alex told himself, but that's all it was in reality; an idea. From the second his father had left him beaten in that shed, the moment he'd been sat in front of that recruiter Alex knew what he needed. Alex thought maybe time might change that but it hadn't;  _ he wanted to sign up.  _ Alex looked up at his brother who was still watching him. "I want to leave," Alex quietly said, it being the first time he was able to admit it to himself, Alex didn't miss the wave of guilt that came over him as he did.

"But?" Greg asked.

Alex looked up at his brother, wanting nothing more than to tell him everything, but he couldn't, it wasn't his burden to bear. "I can't leave M..." Alex cut himself off, shaking his head. "I promised I'd stay," Alex said, feeling a lump growing in his throat, his eyes welling with tears. "It's my fault he's hurt..." Alex admitted. While Alex was convinced there was something else going on, Alex couldn't shake the guilt that Michael's change of behaviour was his fault. Alex took in a deep breath trying to build his resolve back up, "I can't abandon him," Alex sternly said. Alex was expecting Greg to argue with him, to convince him to leave. Instead, he reached out and pulled Alex into a hug, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. Alex bit the inside of his check, trying his best to not cry, knowing his father could appear at any time. 

Greg pulled back, his hands still on Alex's shoulder, "We should start training," Was all his brother said. 

Alex simply nodded, there wasn't anything else his brother could say, It was Alex's choice to make. He knew Greg wanted him to go, he knew that Michael wanted him to stay. He wanted to go but didn't want to leave Michael. Everything he wanted seemingly contradicted something else he desired. The grim reality settled over; something would have to give, he'd have to lose something. 

Alex and Greg trained for a few hours before wrapping up, his brother leaving him outside to rest on the grass. Alex sat cross-legged on the ground, pulling his phone out of his pocket, looking down at it. Alex sighed as he stared down at the phone,  _ he should call Michael _ he told himself...his fingers hovered over the call button. Normally Alex would take any excuse to speak to Michael, to see him but lately, speaking to Michael caused more stress and anxiety then it relived. Alex had told himself it was because of the shed, that Michael just needed some time and maybe some space. Then more weeks went by and nothing changed, and Michael stopped hanging around with Max and Isobel. Deep down Alex believed something else had happened, but Michael wasn't telling him and Alex didn't want to fight with him, yet that's all they did lately. Alex dialled Michaels number, it rang only for a few seconds before Michael answered. Before Michael could speak Alex jumped straight in.

"I don't like how we left things earlier, every time I see you lately we just fight and then I've got to go." Alex sighed, shaking his head as he picked at the grass below him. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the enlisting it's just-I guess I thought If I didn't tell you then it wasn't real and then everything with Liz happened..." Alex reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose. "but you were right, I shouldn't have lied to you, I'm sorry." Alex finally finished, he took a large breath in holding it for a moment waiting for Michael's reply. Alex breathed out, his brow creasing, "Michael?" Alex asked.

"It's okay Alex, I-I get it," Michael stammered, "I should of tol-told you about UNM as well," Alex frowned at Michaels mumbled words. 

"Are you okay?" He asked, standing up from the ground the anxiety swelling in his stomach.

"Yeah yeah I'm-I'm fine," He continued, "You think you-you could sneak out and come meet me for a little, we could play some music, fool around a little," Michael teased, his voice still slurring.

Alex frowned even more, normally fooling around with Michael in the desert would be Alex's idea of heaven but something was off. The anxiety ballooned in his chest, cutting off air to Alex's lungs. Alex bit his bottom lip, squeezing his eyes shut, praying what he was thinking was wrong, that he was just overreacting. "Are you...are you drunk?" Alex tentatively asked.

There was silence on the other end before Michael gave a bitter laugh. "Wha-What why would you...?" Michael laughed again, "I'm fine," Michael said, and Alex couldn't help but notice how the words sort of merged together. 

Alex opened his eyes, shaking his head as he gave his own small sad laugh. "You are, aren't you?" Alex asked, rubbing his forehead with his hand before running it through his head landing on the back of his neck. Alex had heard h

"Jesus Alex it's fine, I'm fine!" Michael snapped. Alex could hear Michael sighing on the other end of the phone. Alex slumped against the fence, his eye's closed. "Look come meet me and we can talk alright, maybe do some not talking" Michael flirted again. Alex didn't say anything, just holding the phone to his ear, "Alex?" Michael asked, his voice still sounding slurred. Michael wasn't fine, and neither was Alex. Alex had believed they could help each other but they just seemed to be doing the opposite of that lately. "Can't we just go back to how it was?" Michael asked, his voice sounding weak. Everything in Alex's body screamed to say yes, to reassure Michael that everything; including them, would be fine.

"Where are you?" Alex quietly asked, his head ducked. 

"Ou-out by that tree where we sat that one day," Michael said.

Alex knew which one he meant, Alex nodded to himself. "I'll be there soon," Alex caved, giving a deep sigh.

Alex pushed himself off the fence and started to head into the house. His father was no longer in the living room, hearing him walking around upstairs. Alex quietly shifted through the house getting to the front door when Michael spoke up again. "You didn't answer my question?" He softly said, his voice tinged with sadness and uncertainty. Alex opened his mouth but he found nothing came out. Alex questioned whether he should go see Michael, his dad might find out he'd snuck out and then there'd be hell to pay. But then Alex remembered how sad Michael sounded and he just couldn't bear leaving him alone, something wasn't right.

"I'll see you soon Michael," Alex replied, hanging up the phone as he slipped out his front door and softy closing it behind. Alex wasn't sure what was going to happen when he met Michael, he wanted to believe that he could fix everything, that Michael would finally tell him what was wrong and they would work through it together. Alex wanted to believe that would happen, but the anxiety in his chest that expanded with everything step told him differently. Michael had promised this town wouldn't break them, and Alex had promised he would figure something out, _that he'd stay,_ but those promises were seemingly harder and harder to keep. But a promise was a promise and Alex was going to keep it; _he had to_.


	11. The you I knew, no longer exists.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While reminiscing about their early relationship Michael starts to worry that maybe he won't be able to keep his promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 11! A bittersweet mixture of some flashback fluff and present angst! I know there's not much plot development in this chapter but as you shall see this chapter really acts as a catalyst for decisions and made in the next chapter, as well as consequences that we will see.
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!
> 
> -AJ

Michael sat at the base of the tree, looking down at the phone in his hand, before slipping it into his pocket.

_Fuck, Fuck, fuck._

The words repeated over and over in his mind as he replayed the conversation over in his head. He shouldn’t have asked Alex to meet him, he should have just apologised and hung up. After Alex had left Michael had walked back to his truck, finishing off the rest of the whiskey he had in his bag. Michael had just wanted to numb the persistent feeling of anxiety in his chest, which had only increased when Alex had said he’d been to training. _He was going to leave_ was all Michael could think and it would be Michael’s fault. His father was forcing him to sign up because he caught them in the shed, because Michael had turned up at the museum, because Michael had rejected him the day before. Michael played over his actions again and again; every choice he’d made, his brain working overtime. Once Michael had drunk the working slowed, the questions settling to the back of his mind.

Michael stood up from the ground, stumbling a little as he went. Michael drew in a large breath hoping it would sober him sightly before Alex arrived. Michael turned to look at the tree, he brought his hand up to run his fingers across the carving in the tree trunk.

_Alex sat at the base of the tree, playing a song on his guitar. Michael was sat next time him, reading a book he’d brought with him, although reading was probably the wrong word as all of Michael’s attention was on Alex. Alex looked up from his guitar, giving a small frown as Michael stared at him, “What?” he asked, his head tilted to the side._

_Michael gave a sweet smile, shaking his head a little, “Just admitting your talent,” Michael said, he slowly leaned forward, “And beauty,” The tip of Alex’s ears went red, his head ducking down, Michael leaned forward more, placing a kiss on his cheek, “The whole package,” he whispered, leaning back._

_Alex placed the guitar next to him, reaching out to entwine his fingers with Michael’s “It’s just some cords, it’s nothing,” he said, his voice shy and quiet._

_Michael gave a small laugh, he never understood how Alex was unable to see how amazing he was, how truly special he was. “It’s not nothing Alex,” Michael said, wanting Alex to see what he saw._

_Alex bit his lip slightly, nodding, “Thank you,” he said, smiling at Michael._

_Michael smiled back, stealing a quick kiss from Alex before leaning back against the tree, playing with Alex’s fingers in his hand. “You know, I think you should write me a song,” Michael said, looking up at Alex._

_Alex raised his eyebrow, tilting his head to the side, “You do huh?” He smiled._

_Michael nodded, “Would be very romantic,” he teased. “And while I’m at UNM I can listen to it, it will be like your there,” he smiled._

_Alex smiled, but Michael could tell it was slightly forced, a hint of sadness behind it. “You know, Roswell won’t be the same without you,” Alex said, pulling his hands back into his lap, like he always did when he started to close off._

_Michael felt the sadness grow in his chest. He hated the idea of leaving Alex in Roswell, especially with his father being here, “I’ll be back to visit,” Michael tried to reassure. Alex gave a small nod that told Michael he wasn’t sure he believed him. Michael reached out and took Alex’s hands again, “And maybe, you know if you wanted to you could…” Michael thought his words over, not wanting to scare Alex off, he gave a small shrug trying to make it sound casual. “I dunno see if you could get a music gig out there,” he finished, not looking up at Alex’s face._

_“Are you asking me to come with you?” Alex asked, his voice sounding stunned._

_Michael looked up to see a far-reaching smile on Alex’s face. Michael couldn’t help but return it, “I’m saying, you don’t have to stay here,” Michael finished. Alex nodded, leaning against the tree, the stress from his body visibly draining._

_Michael stood from the ground, looking at the tree trunk in front of him._

_“What are you doing?” Alex asked, as Michael just stared at the bark. Michael pulled out his switchblade, walking forward to the wood, carving into it. He turned around to look at Alex who was now stood next to him._

_“Well if we both leave Roswell, we should leave something behind don’t you think?” He asked, holding the knife out towards Alex. Alex took the blade and cut into the bark. Alex stepped back and gave the knife back to Michael, who slipped it into his pocket. The boys stood under the sun smiling at their simple piece of art._

Michael pulled his hands away from the carving. Michael smiled at the engraving. It had only been a few weeks ago, about a week after they’d reconciled in the shed. It wasn’t that long ago but somehow as Michael thought back to it, they seemed like entirely different people. All Michael wanted was to go back to then, when Alex would relax around him, when they didn’t keep things from each other. Michael reached up again and smoothed his hand over the writing, hoping the action would make him feel like he had that day.

“Seems like a lifetime ago right?” Michael spun around to see Alex walking up to him, his eyes on the carving. Alex was wearing a camouflage jacket and trousers; military uniform, a small Velcro badge across his chest saying ‘Manes’. Michael felt his stomach knot, unable to look at the clothes for long.

Michael nodded at the ground, “What is it? A month?” He asked, Alex seemed to think, giving a small nod of agreement. “Things-things have gotten a lot more complicated since then,” Michael half-whispered.

“What’s going on Michael?” Alex asked, stepping next to him. Michael looked over to see his brow furrowed in concern.

Michael put on his best smile, turning to face Alex, his hands coming up to wrap around his shoulders. “I-I just wanted to see you, like you said we didn’t leave thing right,”

“And drinking?” Alex jabbed.

“It’s nothing Alex,” Michael sighed, giving another reassuring smile, hoping Alex would return it. “We’re teenagers, sometimes teenagers drink-“

“Not you,” Alex interrupted, “Not like this,” He quickly said. Alex reached up and placed his hands on Michael’s arm, “I just-I just don’t understand why you won’t talk to me,”

Michael pulled his hands from Alex, “What do you mean? I-I called you here-“

“To fool around!” Alex yelled; his arms cast to the side. Alex rarely, if ever got angry, even when his father had smacked him around, he never showed any sign of anger; till now. “I meant what I said Michael, I don’t wanna just be something for you to distract yourself with,” And there it was again, the self-doubt, the uncertainty that Michael had been trying so hard to fix yet somehow he kept making it worse.

Michael closes the gap between them, taking Alex’s hands. “You know you’re more than that, tha-that this is more than that,” He said, trying to keep his words clear and strong.

Alex was just looking down at the ground, his hands limp in Michael’s grasp. Alex looked up from the ground, his eyes watery, “Well right now it doesn’t feel like it,” he said in a low tone, his voice sounding hopeless and empty.

Michael felt the familiar anger that was always at a low simmer in his chest, start to rise. He harshly let go of Alex’s hands, stepping back, “Why are you doing this?” Michael asked, shaking his head.

“Doing what?” Alex asked.

Michael held his hands out in front of him, “You literally said on the phone you’re tired of fighting an-and then you come here and fight more?!” Michael felt the surge of energy coarse through his body, reaching his hands that started clasping and unclasping.

“Because you won't talk to me!” Alex said, a phrase that kept coming up in every argument they had. Michael wanted to deny it, but he couldn’t, he was hiding things, he was lying to Alex, _but he had to,_ “I keep saying this and-and nothing changes!” Alex called, the desperation seeping from his voice, “You’re drinking and pulling away from me” He said, his voice softer this time, his eyes still wet with tears that refused to shed.

“I’m pulling away from you?” Michael said with a bitter laugh, his eyes narrowed.

“What’s that meant to mean?” Alex asked, his voice already on the defence.

Michael pointed towards his camouflage clothes, “I mean I’m not the one trying to leave,” Michael spat.

Alex gave an exasperated sigh, “I was just doing some training with my brother, this is his old uniform,” Michael looked away, not sure he trusted Alex’s words, “I’m not trying to leave Michael!” Alex yelled, taking in a deep breath afterwards, the air between them somehow feeling colder. “I’m-I’m trying to figure what I wanna do with my life,” He continued.

Michael read between the lines, his eyes still narrowed, “Right, right and I’m not?” he asked.

Alex paused for a moment, just looking at Michael. He’d seen this look before, Alex was thinking over his words, his brain designing the perfect response, “I mean, are you?” Alex finally said. Michael stepped back slightly, it was such a simple question that-

“Trouble in paradise boys?” Michael turned his head to see some boys in the distances, hanging around a truck, beers in hands; all laughing.

Michael turned to face them, “Something funny fellas?” he called.

Michael started to walk forward when he felt Alex grab his upper arm, “Leave it, Michael,” He sternly said.

Michael pulled his arm free walking forward more, “No, no if you guys have something to say then say it,” He called, his hands already balled in tight fists.

“Michael stop,” Alex called again, catching up to Michael’s side, placing his hand on his chest.

The group of boys all looked at each other, “What ya think fella’s? anyone got anything to say?” They spoke to each other so the pair couldn’t hear, but laughter poured from the truck.

“Come on, don’t be shy,” Michael jeered, a twisted smile on his face. Michael walked closer, easily moving Alex’s hands from his chest.

“Let’s just go okay?” Alex pleaded, but Michael wasn’t really listening, his whole mind focused on the group in front of him.

One of the boys jumped off the truck, throwing his can down to the ground as he walked towards the pair, “No, no if they wanna say something-“, Michael started but Alex grabbed his arm, spinning him to look at him.

“Michael please,” Alex begged, his hand tight around Michael’s bicep, trying everything to pull him back but Michael’s feet glued firmly to the ground. 

“I think your little boyfriend wants to leave,” The guy mocked. A fuse had been lit inside Michael since the boys had spoken to them, that comment had just set it off.

Before either Alex or the guy could react, Michael threw a solid punch, his knuckles crashing into the guy's cheek sending him flying backwards, his back colliding with the ground. Michael felt some of the tension in his body drain away, he looked up to see the other boys jumping off the truck and making their way to them. Michael formed fists again and the boy started to pull himself off the ground, ready for round two. As the boy started to head towards Michael, Alex jumped in front of him his arms out.

“Wait wait, don’t do this,” He breathed heavily, the guy ignored Alex’s words and kept walking forward, his eyes fixated on Michael. Michael tried to move past Alex but now it was his turn to hold his ground, his arms spread stopping Michael in his tracks, “I’m in the military okay and so is my father, He’s Master Sargent Manes,” The boy then stopped, his eyes looking at the ‘Manes’ badge on Alex’s shirt.

“You’re a Manes man,” He puffed. Jesse Manes was a well-known figure around town and was known for being harsh, dispensing discipline and punishment to anyone that wronged him. The group of boys reached the apparent leader, but he held his arm out, causing them to just gather around him.

“I am,” Alex said with confidence, which Michael could tell was false, none of the boys on the opposition side seeing as Alex’s hand shook by his side. “And I think it’s in your best interest to leave,” Alex called, pulling his shoulders back. The guy studied Alex for a minute, seemingly weighing up his threat. Then he turned away, motioning for his men to follow him. The group jumped in the back of their truck and pulled out of the desert; their vehicle shrouded in a cloud of dusk. “What the hell was that?!” Alex yelled, his strong composure having crumbled, his eyes wide.

Michael could feel the energy still flowing through his body, “I was defending you-“ Michael tried to say but Alex just frantically shook his head.

“I told you to stop!” Alex cried the rage that flowed through Michael twisted and changed to guilt as he looked at Alex’s panic sickened face, “I asked you to leave it,” Alex continued. Michael briefly remembered hearing those words from Alex, but it was such a blur, his mind having been warped by rage.

It then something dawned on Michael, the guilt shifting to encompass fear, “You shouldn’t have told him you were a Manes what if it gets back to your dad-“

“You don’t think I know that?” Alex snapped. Michael bit the inside of his cheek. This wasn’t Alex, he told himself. Alex never yelled, never snapped, _had Michael turned him into this?_ Alex walked forward to Michael, “There were 6 of them Michael they-they could have killed you,” Alex said, with Alex stood so close it was then Michael could see how quickly his chest was moving up and down. His watery eyes still refused to shed a tear, his arms moved to wrap around himself. “You know what I-,” Alex started but cut himself off, his words almost sticking together as he spoke. Alex looked just like he did when he ran into the shed that night after an argument with his father, or when Michael found him in there after their night together; he looked terrified. Alex unwrapped his arms from himself and run them through his hair, stepping back from Michael. “I really can’t deal with this now I need to get home before my dad knows I’m gone.” Alex stuttered.

Michael felt every emotion in him be replaced with panic, he stepped closer to Alex, holding his hands out in front of him, “Wait just-wait,” Michael pleaded, they couldn’t leave it like this; not again. “You said you didn’t want to keep leaving things like this,” Michael said, trying to get Alex to stay.

“I don’t,” Alex said, his arms once again wrapping around himself, “but, I just-I can’t be here right now,” Alex admitted, pressing his eyes together.

“You mean be here with me,” Michael quietly said, his eyes holding Alex’s.

Alex’s face softened, he stepped closer to Michael, “I want this to work Michael, I do, but…” Alex thought carefully before he spoke; like he always did. He motioned his arms around him, “This can’t keep happening, I can’t…” Alex seemed to be fumbling with his words, a rarity for him, normally always knowing what to say and how to say it. “I need you to talk to me, whatever is going on, I’m here to help, I want to help,” Alex paused, an open invitation for Michael to speak, to tell Alex what was happening. Michael shifted on his feet, staggering slightly as he leant against the tree. He looked over at Alex, who’s eyes were almost pleading with him.

For a moment Michael saw flashes of Rosa, her eyes pleading with Isobel to release her from her tight grip. Michael turned his eyes back down the ground. He heard Alex give a defeated sigh. “I need to go, and you need to get some rest and…I’ll call you tomorrow okay,” Alex said, his voice was soft but Michael could hear the twinges of annoyance and frustration laced within it. He looked up to see Alex started to walk away.

“Alex,” Michael called, making Alex come to a halt, “I’m sorry, it’s just…” Michael watched as Alex stepped closer, his eyes wide as he thought Michael was going to say something, give him answers; but Michael didn’t have answers. He could never tell Alex what kept him up at night, that Rosa Ortecho’s face never left his mind, or that sometimes Michael could still smell the petrol and feel the fire on his face. Liz leaving, her family being subjected to abuse and bigotry was because Michael let them put Rosa in the front seat. Maybe this is what Michael’s species did; they destroyed, they drew misery and pain to those around them. Michael just look at Alex, he slowly closed his lips together, giving him a simple smile, “I’ll speak to you tomorrow,” Michael sighed.

Alex’s face didn’t move, he just gave a slight nod and headed off into the desert. Michael pushed himself off the tree and turned around to look at it, the carvings they had made looking older than they did an hour ago.

_Michael stood shoulder to shoulder with Alex, both just looking at the tree trunk. Michael looked over at Alex who had a soft but broad smile on his face, his eyes looking almost a little glassy._

_“What?” Michael asked, his heart racing a little quicker at the thought of having made the situation worse._

_Alex looked over at him, the smile growing, “Nothing I just…” he took in a large breath, “I never thought I could be happy in this town and now…” Alex trailed off as he looked at Michael. Alex didn’t have to finish the sentence, Michael whole hearty understood what it meant because Michael felt the same, he never thought he’d be happy in Roswell and now he was. Despite everything that had happened, Michael had found some peace with Alex, and Alex had found peace with Michael. They’d managed to meet in the middle and form their own small safe home within Roswell._

The MG + AM carving stared back at Michael as he stood alone in the desert, a shaky hand falling from the carving. 

A tear fell from Michael’s cheek, cascading down to the dry desert earth. The carving in front of his eyes became blurry and unreadable; almost as if it wasn’t there. Michael stumbled back from the tree, unable to be around it, the once sweet relic had now become a taunting reminder that they were no longer the same people, and maybe they would never be again. The carving a sick reminder that Michael's promise to not let this town destroy them was seemingly becoming less and less likely. As Michael looked around him a heartwrenching thought took over his mind; maybe this town wasn't destroying them, maybe they were destroying each other, and perhaps there was nothing they could do to stop it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, another big thank you to everyone that has left comments and kudos it really means a lot.  
> Feel free to leave any comments below it really means a lot.
> 
> -AJ


	12. Not everyone is meant to stay.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex finally makes a decision about his fate in Roswell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With chapter 12 we creep ever closer to the end of this fic! I know things have been pretty angsty lately so I hope these little flashbacks are helping; it been really nice to write happy/domestic malex.

Alex walked into the desert, the air around him feeling thick and heavy, making it hard for Alex to breath. Alex’s legs felt as if all the muscles had been taken from them, making them weak and unsteady. Alex knew that Michael could still see him as he left so he tried to keep his head up and his body steady. Eventually, he rounded a corner shielding himself from Michael’s view. Alex reached out and grabbed a tree trunk to steady himself, he pressed his eyes together trying to concentrate on his breathing and stabilising it. Alex told himself to calm down, to relax, counting to 10 in his head. Alex felt the headache start to grow in his mind as the pressure in his chest swelled. Alex squeezed his eyes closed tighter, spinning around to lean his back against the tree. Alex opened his eyes and looked up to the sky to see the stars starting to appear, two particularly bright ones shining just above, a small cluster of stars around one of them. Alex found himself involuntarily smiling up at the sky.

_Alex laid in the back on Michael’s truck, his back pressed against Michael’s chest, Michael’s arms wrapped around his shoulder’s as they looked up at the sky above. “You think anything is up there?” Alex asked, watching as the stars blinked against the black sky. “I mean besides the stars and planets I mean?” Alex clarified._

_Alex watched as clouds shifted and passed over, after a moment of silences Alex turned around to see Michael just staring up at the sky, a sad smile on his face and hints of loss and hurt in his eyes. Michael looked down at Alex, the hurt and loss changing to that of comfort, the smile losing its sadness. “Yeah I do,” He breathed._

_Alex nodded, looking back up at the night sky. “So, do I,” Alex said. He looked back at Michael who was smiling down at him, his eyes regaining that small hint of pain that always seemed to be there._

_“So, you remember what…” Michael looked back up at the sky, moving his arm up to point at a bright star above the pair, “That star is called?” He asked._

_Alex smiled, “That’s the planet Jupiter,” He said, “And the stars around it are actually its four moons,” Alex declared, turning around to see Michael looking at him with an impressed smile._

_“You remembered?” He said, sounding generally surprised._

_Alex was almost certain that he remembered everything Guerin had ever said to him, every facial expression he had had. “You think I’d forget?” Alex said with mock hurt._

_“Okay, okay, so what about the names of the moons?” Michael said, tilting his head to the side, a cocky smile on his face. Michael leaned forward and placed his chin on Alex’s shoulder, wrapping his arms around him again, “Get them all right and maybe you’ll get a reward,” Michael whispered, and Alex could practically hear the smile on his face._

_“A reward huh? What kind of reward,” Alex said, matching Michael’s teasing tone, bringing his hands up to entwine his fingers with Michael’s._

_“I’m sure we can think of something,” Michael said, placing a kiss on Alex’s shoulder._

_“Okay…” Alex breathed, looking up at stars, ”Europa, Callisto,” he said with confidence._

_“Two more,” Michael whispered close to his ear._

_Alex thought back to their conversation a few days ago when Michael had told him. Michael wrapped his arms tighter around Alex’s smoothing his fingers over Alex’s, “Io!” Alex called as the name came back to him. Michael placed a kiss on his shoulder, moving up to place another on his neck, lingering for a second before moving to the point just below his ear, “You’re being very distracting,” Alex whined, biting his lower lip._

_“Want a hint,” Michael teased, resting his chin on Alex’s shoulder again._

_“No, no I know it,” Alex said, the name on the tip of his tongue, then suddenly “Ganymede!” Alex exclaimed._

_He heard Michael laugh from behind him, feeling the warmth of his breath on his neck, “I’m impressed,” Michael said, “Now which one is which?” He asked._

_Alex gave a laugh, mock pushing Michael away from him, who had joined him in his laughter. Alex pushed himself up, turning around so that he was facing Michael, his legs resting on either side of Michael’s hip, “So my reward?” Alex said, bringing his hands up to place them on Michael’s shoulder. Michael smiled, leaning forward to kiss Alex. Even though they had spent the week doing this, and Alex had lost track of the number of times they had kissed, each time they did it felt like the first time. Alex wrapped his hands around Michael’s neck, pulling back after a moment to rest his forehead on Michael’s._

_“Your reward is that you get to pick dinner next time,” Michael whispered, his face inches from Alex’s, his signature smile on his face._

_Alex returned the smile. “Deal,” he breathed. Michael wrapped his arms around Alex’s waist pulling him closer, the pair lost in their own world under the stars._

Alex repeated the names over and over in his mind as his breathing started to even out, his lungs expanding as normal. The pounding that had been in Alex’s head subsided and his legs started to feel normal. Alex wished that the pounding was still there, wished his lungs were still tight, that way he could concentrate on that and not the emptiness that was currently engulfing his body. Then the numb and emptiness was poisoned with something else; fear.

The boys had seen Alex and Michael together.

They knew he was a Manes.

They knew his father.

Alex felt the panic start to rise again in his chest, he’d been so caught up in trying to protect Michael that he hadn’t had a second to think about what he’d done. What if they told his dad, what if he found out he was still seeing Michael? Alex’s stomach cramped and tightened at the thought _what would his dad do to Michael,_ Alex pushed himself off the tree and started walking, need to move and distract his mind. Alex reached into his pocket

**No miss calls**

Alex felt a minor amount of relief wash over him, his dad didn’t know he’d gone out or did and wasn’t asking questions. Alex dialled a number into his phone, holding it to his face. It rang for a moment before they answered.

“Hey, do you mind if I come over for a bit?” Alex asked.

Alex finally reached the house, walking down the path, reaching out to knock on the door. A few seconds later the door open. Maria was stood in the doorway, her hair pulled up into a bun. Maria smiled at Alex, moving out the way to let him in. “My mom’s out tonight,” She said closing the door behind Alex. Alex gave a slight nod, standing in the living room unsure what to do. He felt Maria stand next to him, her hand coming to rest on his shoulder. “You okay?” She softly said. Alex looked over to her and gave a soft smile, unsure of what to say.

“I didn’t know where else to go,” Alex finally said, his voice weak.

Maria leads him over to the sofa, Alex slumping down onto it, Maria sitting on the sofa chair across from him, “What happened,” She asked, leaning forward on her knees.

“Nothing,” Alex admitted. Nothing had really happened, Alex shook his head, “Everything,” he said, knowing he wasn’t making much sense. He looked up at Maria who was just looking at him with a sympathetic smile, “My dad’s making me sign up for the air force,” Alex sighed.

“What?” Maria exclaimed. “He can’t do that!” She protested.

“Yeah he can,” Alex said with an empty laugh.

Maria shook her head a little, “What about that mystery guy?” She said. Alex ducked his head, looking down in his lap, “What?” Maria asked, moving to come sit next to Alex.

Alex leaned back against the sofa, “We got into a fight today,” He said, looking over at her, Alex gave a heavy sigh, “and yesterday and…” Alex trailed off, not wanting to think about how many times the pair had argued lately.

Maria reached out and squeezed Alex’s hand, “It’s just a fight Alex, couples do that, you’ll be fine,” She tried to reassure.

Alex wanted to believe her, just like he wanted to believe Michael when he promised this town wouldn’t break them and when he promised himself, he’d find a way to stay. Alex took his hand from her running it through his hair, squeezing the back of his neck. Alex ran his hand down his face, looking over to Maria with cloudy eyes. “I don’t know we will be,” He admitted. It was a gut-wrenching admission that weighed on Alex’s shoulders. Alex’s once rock-solid belief that he and Michael would win was dissolving day by day, fight by fight. “And then there were some guys being jackasses and-“ Alex had to stop himself, almost uttering Michael’s name, “and he almost got a fight with them and they know my dad and they saw us…if my dad finds out-“ Alex stood up from the sofa, feeling the familiar panic in his chest. Alex took some steadying breaths, sitting back down next to Maria. “I just don’t-“ Alex stopped himself again, not wanting to say out loud what he was thinking.

“Are you really going to leave Roswell?” Maria said, her voice tinged in sadness.

“I don’t know,” Alex admitted, part of him wanted to, but another part was sure he and Michael wouldn’t survive if he did and that wasn’t a sacrifice Alex was willing to make. “I don’t wanna leave him, or you...but…” _I don’t know if I can stay in this town,_ Alex didn’t have to say the words, the understanding smile from Maria told him she understood.

Maria let out a deep breath, reaching across to place her hand on his shoulder, “Well, whatever you decide to do, I’ll always be here,” she smiled.

“Thank you, Maria,” Alex said, “Sorry for just barging in-“

Maria gave his shoulder a playful shove, “Oh don’t even you know you’re always welcome here,” She said, leaning back against the sofa, “Plus it’s just been me here lately so it’s nice to have the company,” She quietly said. Alex looked over at her, giving her an empathetic smile, despite the hardships Maria also had at home she was one of the few people that was always there for him. “So, if you wanna crash here for the night then you’re more than welcome,” She finished, bumping her shoulder against his.

Alex knew he should go home, he hadn’t even told his father he’d left earlier. Alex looked down at his watch, it was just after 8pm. Alex wasn’t sure he could stomach going home right now, his emotions already hanging on the edge. “That would be great,” He smiled. Maria beamed back, saying she would go gather some bedding and disappearing down the hallway. Alex pulled his phone out, typing a text out to his father saying Maria needed his help with something and he’d be home tomorrow morning for more training. Alex slipped the phone back into his pocket trying to think about it too much. Maria came back and handed the sheet to Alex, grabbing the remote from the coffee table and flicking the tv on. The pair sat on the sofa and Alex tried to concreate on the screen ahead and not what the next day would bring.

**_The next morning._ **

Alex rolled over on the sofa, slowly blinking his eyes. Alex pushed himself up, the blankets falling around him. Alex pulled his watch up to his face; 8am. Alex swiftly moved from the bed, grabbing his shoes and slipping them on quickly. Alex grabbed a piece of paper off the coffee table and the pen next to it scribbling a note thanking Maria and saying he’d speak to her soon. Alex quietly slipped out the front door and walked towards his house. Alex slipped his phone out.

> 9:34pm: Jesse Manes - See you in the morning.

Alex bit his lip, unable to read if his father was angry or didn’t care he’d stayed at Maria’s. Alex finally reached his house, pausing outside for a moment to straighten his uniform and take some breaths. Alex pushed open his front door, slipping in and looking straight ahead as he travelled towards the stairs. Alex placed his foot on the first step when-

“Good morning son,” The voice came from the living room. Alex brought his foot back down to the ground, backing up to the living room.

Alex could see the back of his father’s head as he sat in his chair, “Good morning Sir,” Alex said, instinctually holding his arms around his back. 

Jesse pushed himself up from the chair, slowly walking over to Alex, “How was Miss Deluca?” He said, his voice eerily calm.

“Good,” Alex said, finding the less information he offered the easier to carry off the lie.

Jesse came to a standstill in front of Alex, “What was this task she needed help with,”

“Her computer had a virus and she lost some work, so I was trying to help her recover it,” Alex effortless said, having worked on the lie the whole way home. His father had enrolled Alex in computer classes years ago, already preparing his kids for their military positions.

“How very generous of you,” Jesse said, a smile appeared on his face but there was no warmth of happiness behind it. Alex felt his body start to run cold; _something wasn’t righ_ t. Jesse walked past Alex into the kitchen, leaning against the island in the middle. Alex followed, standing behind him. As he watched his father it was like watching the ocean retreated before a Tsunamis, or feeling the hair on your body sticking up before being struck by lightning; a disaster wasn’t far behind. “I spoke to Mr Johnson today;” Jesse said, looking down at the marble counter. Alex racked his brain trying to work out if he should know that name; he didn’t. “Do you know who that is?” Jesse slowly said.

Alex tried to think again, he shook his head a little, “Uhh no, I don’t” He finally said. “That is the father of the boy you almost got into a fight with last night,” Everything suddenly moved a thousand times slower, as his father turned around to look at him. Jesse started walking towards Alex, somehow looking taller than ever. Alex tried to keep a neutral face, biting the side of his cheek hard enough he was scared he’d draw blood. “Apparently you broke up a fight between his boy and another boy called uhh Michael,” It took everything Alex had to not react to the name, his face still neutral but he was unable to prevent the way his eyes began to well as he stared up at his father. Jesse gave a long sigh, the tsunamis was approaching, the air crackled with static; the disaster had finally struck.

Alex swallowed hard, taking in a shaky breath, before slowly letting it out, “When I was walking to Maria I bumped-“

Jesse tightly gripped the front of Alex’s shirt slamming him into the wall behind him “Do. Not. Lie to me,” Jesse slowly said, his face inches from Alex’s. “You been seeing that boy behind me back?” Jesse asked, his voice clinical and empty, that somehow being worse than rage.

Alex felt his lower lip quiver, he took another steadying breath, “I was going Maria’s-“ Jesse backhanded Alex across the face, sending him to the ground with a loud thud. Alex didn’t move from his spot, _he wasn’t going to be able to talk his way out of this._ Jesse leant down close to Alex.

“I told you what would happen if kept seein’ that boy,” He spat, the hatred overtaking his voice. Alex remembered word for word what his father had said; not only would Alexbut punished; but Michael too. “This is my house, you are my boy and I will not allow you to bring shame to this family with you depraved actions,” Alex kept his eyes on the ground, not wanting his father to see the way the tears tumbled down his face. “Get up,” Jesse said, having regained his composure. Alex froze, not sure his body would allow him to. “NOW,” His father yelled, sending a boot into his chest. Alex ignored the overwhelming ache in his chest and quickly scrammed up to face his father, his back already aching from where his father had shoved him, the taste of blood filling his mouth.

Jesse stared down at Alex, his face showing no emotion. “You have training in two days, until then you will not leave this do you understand? And once you are back from training you will remind here till you are deployed,”

Alex felt his eye’s widening, “Dad-“ Jesse grabbed Alex’s throat just like he had in the shed, slamming him back into the wall.

“This is NOT a negotiation,” His father roared. “I foolishly believed you would be able to control yourself, I will not make that mistake again.” His father said. Alex tried to relax, not focusing on the way his airways were being slowly cut off. “Understood?” Jesse said.

Alex gasped and coughed, “Ye-es s-sir,” Alex stuttered. Jesse kept his grip for a moment before finally letting go. Alex gasped and reached for his throat, using his other hand to stop himself collapsing.

“Now get out of my sight,” Jesse spat. Alex didn’t need much convincing and fled up the stairs to his room, closing the door hard. Alex breathed heavy trying to regain some breath, his phone buzzed in his pocket drawing his attention. Alex pulled it out to see Michael’s name, Alex should ignore, but he just wanted to hear Michael’s voice. Alex held the phone to his face.

“Hey, look I know I fucked up last night and-and I’m sorry,” Michael said, his voice clear and sober this time. “I know you’re meant to be going to your training session soon and I wanted to see you before then, talk?” Michael said. It had been everything Alex had wanted to hear but no relief filled his body. Alex sunk down to the floor, his back resting against the bed, ignoring how his body ached and screamed.

Alex reached up and held his forehead in his hand, “Michael this uhh this is-is a really bad time can I call you later,” Alex mumbled trying to hold back his emotions.

“What’s wrong?” Michael said, Alex clearly not doing a good job of his hiding his distress. Michael’s soft voice and words of concern were enough to make Alex let a small sob escape his lips. Alex quickly moved his hand to cover his mouth. “Hey, hey what’s happening, I can swing by-"

“NO” Alex yelled, his whole body being taken over by fear and panic.

There was a pause on the other end, then Michael, “Alex, what happened,” His voice indicating he had some idea.

Alex took some breaths, the sobs slowing, “My dad knows I’ve been seeing you behind his back,” Alex whispered, scared his father could be outside his door.

“How?” Michael gulped, then Michael cursed under his breath, “Those fucking-“ He heard Michael yell, then the sound of something breaking; a bottle maybe Alex wasn’t sure. “What did he do to you,” Michael asked, his voice drenched with concern.

Alex squeezed the phone tight, “It doesn’t matter about me-“

“That’s all that matters to me!” Michael yelled, and if Alex wasn’t mistaken, he sounded on the edge of tears as well, “What did he do?” Michael asked again, having gained some control of his panic.

Alex cursed, squeezing his eyes together, “Michael listen to me; you cannot come near this house do you understand me?” Alex tried to make his voice as clear as possible _he needed Michael to understand._

“Answer my question,” Michael repeated, clearly not going to let it go.

“A busted lip and sore ribs okay,” Alex neglected to mention the throat and back, giving enough to Michael that he wouldn’t ask more questions. “It’s fine, did you hear what I said?” Alex asked, needing to know that Michael understood, “If my dad see’s you-“

“You should be more worried about what I’ll do to your dad when I see him.” Michael seethed.

The dread shot up to Alex’s throat almost making him choke, “Michael don’t,” He demanded, knowing who would win that fight. “Please, “Alex begged.

He heard Michael curse, then sigh, “Okay,” he finally said.

Alex nodded, letting some of the stress leave his body. “He’s making me stay in the house till my training and I won’t be able to sneak out,” Alex continued, “After I get back, I’ll…I’ll work something out,” Alex said, unsure what that would be. His father was on high alter before, now…

“We’ll figure something out okay?” Michael said, and damn Alex wanted to believe him, but the tears that rolled down his face told him he didn’t. “We’re going to be okay,” Michael continued, maybe for his own benefit rather than Alex’s. “I’m going to keep my promise,” He said, voice still sounding hopeful.

Alex tried to feel that hopefulness himself, but it always just seemed out of reach, “Okay,” Alex finally said, but even he could tell his voice was less than sure. The pair spoke about miscellaneous things for a little while, Alex just wanted to hear Michael’s voice and not his father’s hate-filled one. Towards the end of their conversation, Michael paused, “I’m sorry, for getting into that fight,” Michael quietly said. “I never meant to get you in trouble or hurt-“ Alex could hear Michael working himself up, Alex felt his heartache, he wanted to comfort Michael but he just wasn’t sure he had it in him at the moment.

“I know Michael,” Alex sighed.

“It’s just when they made that comment about you-“ Michael stopped himself again, clearly trying to keep a lid on his anger.

“I know,” Alex said again, “I know you were defending me, in your own way,” Alex quietly said, “But…watching you hit that guy,” Alex gave a shaky sigh, “I don’t wanna see that,” he said, shaking his own head, he ducked his head down to the ground, his throat and back protesting. “I see it enough at home,” He almost whispered.

Alex wasn’t trying to make Michael feel guilty, but he knew he did from the way Michael let out an unsteady breath. “I know,” Michael exhaled. “I just…” Michael started, “I just got angry,” He said.

“You never use to be angry?” Alex said, phrasing it as a question. When they had first met Michael had been so gentle, even though the world wasn’t gentle with him.

“Well, a lot’s changed since,” Alex wasn’t sure if Michael stopped himself from continuing or that was the whole sentence. Alex tried to ignore the evidence, tried not to piece together when Michael had changed and the events of the shed; but they fit. His father’s actions had changed Michael, Alex offering the shed to Michael had caused all of this; all of Michael’s pain.

“I’ve got to go, my dad needs me,” Alex said, the lie easily rolling off his tongue.

“You sure you don’t want me to come, break you out?” Michael tried to joke, but if Alex said yes there was no doubt in his mind that Michael would turn up.

“No, no I’ll…figure something out,” Alex said, the list of things he ‘needed to figure out’ growing by the day, no solutions to any of them presenting themselves. “I’ll see you in a few days,” Alex said, hanging up the phone as exhaustion took over his body. Alex let the phone fall next to him, wrapping his arms around his legs as he brought them up to his chest, his chin leaning on his knee.

Over the last few weeks everything Alex knew had been turned on his head, everything he knew for certain now unclear, currently there was only one thing Alex was sure of; _he couldn’t stay in Roswell._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex's change from not wanting to sign up to wanting to has been challenging and super interesting to write. I hope you guys enjoyed and can't wait to upload the next chapter!


	13. Sometimes love isn’t enough.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The growing tension between Alex and Michael comes to a head after Alex returns from training to find a jailed Michael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 13! So this was actually one of the first things I wrote for this fic, after watching the flashbacks I just had to write a small one-shot about them breaking up, this small idea grew and grew until it became this!
> 
> I'm so thankful for you all sticking with me for these 13 pages and I hope you stick with me for the remaining few to come!
> 
> -AJ

It had been around a week since Alex and Michael had been able to see each other, Alex had spent two days under his father's watchful eye before then spending two days at training. Alex had welcomed the distraction; being able to focus on what he was doing at the moment and not what the future held. The boys had been able to exchange a few texts over the days, one or two short phone calls. For the first time in a while, things felt semi-normal between them. Maybe they did just need some space, need some time to departmentalise everything that had happened separately.

After Alex had returned to Roswell the decision he had made before his departure was ever more resolute in his mind; _he wanted to leave Roswell._ Being free of Jesse for two days had given Alex a taste of what true freedom was like and he wasn't sure he could go back to how it was now. A week ago Alex was sure he and Michael's relationship wouldn't survive the distances but after the week apart Alex had a newfound hope; t _hey could do this_.

Alex stood by his door, listening to the noise downstairs. His father was leaving for the day to talk to some military officials about a project of his, he had left Gregory in charge of Alex with strict instructions to not let them him out. He heard as his father say goodbye before leaving. Alex looked out his window to see his father's car driving off into the distances. Alex threw open the door and ran down the stairs. Greg was stood in the kitchen, looking over some files.

Alex took a breath, walking forward, "I know dad told you I can't leave" He'd heard his father going over the rules to Greg earlier. Alex walked forward a little more, "But I promised I'd see someone today," Alex had found out his father was leaving a day or two ago, having told Michael he could see him, the two days of waiting had been near torture for Alex. Even with how hard things had been between them Alex still missed Michael, missed his smile and touch. Michael had said as much the same, they have grown so used to each others company that when they weren't around the other they didn't feel like themselves.

"Michael?" Greg said, leaning back against the worktop. Alex froze, he hadn’t told Greg his name-Alex exhaled slowly; _his dad._ "Dad told me to call him if he came around," Alex had missed that part of their conversation, Alex blinked a few times, his eyes getting watery at the thought of not being able to see Michael.

"Greg-" Alex started but his brother held up his hand.

"I've got some work to take care of so I'm going to head the library," He gathered the files off the table and pushed them into a bag, slinging it over his shoulder. "I should be back around 7/8 tonight," Greg said, raising his eyebrow, a small smile on his face, "and of course you'll be here," He said. Alex gave a relieved breath, understanding what Greg was implying.

"Yeah, of course," Alex said, nodding at his brother. Greg nod back heading towards the door, "Greg,” His brother turned around to look at Alex, a concerned look on his face, “Thank you," Alex said, his voice heavy with emotion. Greg was risking everything by betraying his father's orders, and evening knowing that, Greg still did it.

"Stay safe little brother," Greg said, smiling as he left the house.

Alex reached the spot they had agreed to meet at, the tree they'd carved into that day. As Alex arrived he couldn't see Michael's car, so he sat down at the base of the tree, going over in his mind how he'd tell Michael he was going to sign up but he still wanted to be with him. Saying it like that seemed so simple, but he knew Michael wouldn't see it that way, Alex had promised he'd work out a way to stay, _but he hadn't._ Alex frowned checking his watch; Michael was running late _._ Alex pulled his phone out of his pocket, it was 9:30am, they were meant to meet at 8am. Alex felt his stomach twist; what if his dad has seen Michael or Michael had seen Jesse. Alex dialled his number but there was no answer. Alex tried again; the same, no answer. The ball of anxiety in his chest became a permanent fixture as he waited.

10:30am

11:30am

12:30pm

Alex was pacing on the spot, unsure of what to do. Should he search for his truck? Where else could Michael be? No one knew Alex and Michael were a thing so Alex couldn't ask anyone if they'd seen Michael. Alex didn't even know who else Michael hung out with, Isobel maybe but- Alex felt his phone vibrate in his hand, Alex pulled the phone to his face, he didn't recognise the number but quickly answer.

There was silence for a second before finally, a voice spoke, "Alex..." Michael sighed, sounding exhausted. 

"Michael what-where are you?" Alex scrambled to say, his hand wrapped anxiously around the phone. "What's happened?" Alex said, the ball of anxiety almost suffocating him.

Michael sighed again, "Look I uhh, got into a little bit of trouble last night-"

"Are you okay?" Alex asked, biting his lower lip; _please be okay,_ Alex repeated.

Michael paused, "I'm fine but uhh," Michael paused again, Alex could hear him taking a large breath; not missing out shaky it was, "I need you to come bail me out," Michael finally finshed. Alex stopped walking, instantly freezing on the spot as if something had grabbed his legs. _He was in jail._ "I would normally ask Iz or Max but there away and I-I..." Michael took in a large breath, "I don't have anyone else," He whispered.

"What happened?" Alex said, his voice suddenly sounding calm and distant, surprising even himself.

"Can-can we talk about it after," Michael quickly said, Alex unsure if he was worried or still a little drunk. Alex harshly bit the inside of his cheek.

"I'm on my way," Alex said, once again his voice void of any emotion.

"Thank you-" Alex hung up before Michael could even finish, standing still for a moment trying to stop his hands from shaking. Alex shoved his phone into his pocket and quickly headed towards the sheriff's office, the hopefulness he had acquired being scattered to the wind as he walked.

After successfully bailing Michael out Alex stood in the parking lot leaning against Michael's truck, which a deputy had driven back to the station. Michael came through the doors walking towards Alex. Michael went to say something when Alex interrupted him, "Let's get outta here before someone recognises me, I'm not meant to be out of the house,” Alex quickly said, jumping into the truck.

The ride back to the desert was silent, neither one saying a word. Alex studied Michael's face, small cuts and bruises littering it, his knuckle scuffed. Alex had his arms crossed over his chest, his whole body feeling tense and rigid. Alex tried to sort his thoughts, planning his response to Michael. The truck pulled up to the tree, Alex didn't wait for Michael to place the handbrake on, jumping outta the truck needing to get dome air that wasn’t the thick tension-filled atmosphere of the truck. Alex paced on the spot, his arms folded over his chest.

Michael got out of the truck and walked towards Alex, his head ducked, hands shoved into pockets. As Michael approached him the air got thick again, like the cloud of tension was following them. “You got into a fight?!" Alex finally exclaimed.

Michael gave an exasperated sigh, "It's nothin-"

Alex angrily pointed at Michael, "I just bailed you out of jail so don't say it’s nothing," He scorned, all the anger that had built up on the ride here finally seeping out, Alex's carefully planned response nowhere to be found, "What happened?" He asked with false calm.

"I was at the wild pony and-"

"You were drinking again?" Alex asked.

Michael gave a casual nod, "Some guys were being dicks and then things kinda got outta control," He said, leaning against his truck like they were just talking about the weather.

"So you got into a drunken fight at the Wild Pony?" Alex spelt out, needing to make sure he understood the situation correctly, hoping by saying it out loud he might understand it more; he didn’t. Alex nodded, giving a harsh laugh, "I've been away for a week, looking forward to-to coming back to see my boyfriend and you spent the night before getting drunk and starting fights?!" Alex yelled, his flimsy false calm being ripped away.

Michael pushed himself off the truck, throwing his arms out to the side, "Why'd you assume I started it?" He asked, narrowing his eyes at Alex.

"Did you?" Alex asked. Michael just looked at Alex, glancing down at the ground for a second telling Alex all he needed to know; _he started it._ Alex walked closer to Michael, his hands held out in front of him,"I snuck out to see you, this is the one day we have till god knows when and you wasted half of it in jail?" Alex criticised, hating how angry and out of control he sounded; _just like his father_. Alex stepped away from Michael as the thought entered his mind, Alex felt tears prick his eyes as he looked up at the sky for a moment, "I have been-I am trying to be patient Michael," Alex said with an unsteady voice, Alex brought his head back down, the tears clinging onto the threshold of his eye. "Trying to let you work through whatever it is that's going on with you but this," Alex shook his head, "What is happening to you!?” Alex asked breathlessly. 

"What do you mean?" Michael said, seemingly genuinely confused by Alex's complaints.

"I mean you spent the night in jail Michael," Alex plaining said, "I mean you're spending your nights in bars and-" Alex trailed off, finding he was just repeating himself with no sign that Michael understood. Alex turned on the spot, trying to take a moment to calm himself.

Michael watched as Alex turned from him, his arms crossed over his chest. Michael just shook his head from side to side, a bitter laugh escaping him, “You going to tell me I’m wasting my life again?” Michael said, echoing the words Alex had said to him once.

Alex shook his own head back, turning to face Michael, “You know I didn’t mean it like that-“

“Then how did you mean it, Alex?” Michael called, his voice raised. Maybe it was the shitty amount of sleep Michael got last night, maybe it was the alcohol that still travelled around his body Michael wasn't sure, however, he was sure of one thing; he was in the mood for an argument, a way to vent all the frustrations and anger that lived in his chest and mind.

Michael watched as Alex tensed up as Michael yelled. For a moment the guilt and shame was enough to stop the anger in Michael's chest, but only for a moment “I-I meant I want to see you accomplish what you want, you were going to UNM-“

“And now I’m not” Michael clarifies.

Alex looked up into the sky in frustration, then at Michael “And you won’t tell me why, you don’t talk to me anymore Michael!” He watched as Alex’s voice grew with emotion, the sadness draining and anger filling “All you do is-is fight and yell it’s not you!”

“And how would you know Alex? Huh? Maybe this has always been me and you just didn’t see it” Michael said, maybe this is what the aliens were; violent, anger, maybe this was inevitable. 

Alex shook his head, like the thought was unbearable “No no that’s not true,” Alex said, Alex went to speak then stopped himself, taking in a breath, closing his eyes, “Ever since my dad-”

Michael walked forward, “Don’t” he sternly said, not wanting to rehash that night. Michael didn’t miss the guilt that was front and centre in Alex’s eyes, and how his eye’s drifted to Michael’s broken hand.

“I know he hurt you, but this- this isn’t healthy and I don’t know if I can...” Alex trailed off, like the last part of the sentence had gotten caught, pulled away at the last minute.

Michael frowned, “You don’t know if you can what?” Michael walked closer to Alex, who couldn't meet his eye. “Don’t know if you can put up with this, with me”

This time it was Alex turn to step forward, his arms thrown out to the side in frustration “I didn’t say that!” He yelled.

“You were going to” Michael bit back. Michael was acutely aware of what he was doing, he was pushing Alex, gaslighting the conversation. Alex was normally so composed, every sentence and reply immaculately structured, but that wasn’t the case right now. Right now Alex wasn’t thinking about what he was saying, wasn’t hiding his true meaning and Michael needed to know what he actually thought. 

"Maybe I was!" Alex confessed; _there it was._ Alex’s lip quivered, his eyes blinking quickly, he was trying not to cry. Normally this would be enough for Michael to stop this argument, the thought of Alex crying because of him too much to bear; but something was different today. "Things are bad enough at home but now every time I see you all we do is-is fight and it's like...it’s like you’re someone else and all you do is lie"

Now it was Michael’s turned to feel the guilt. Michael took some steps away from Alex, looking away, “I’m not-"

"Don’t! There is something you’re not telling me and I could deal if it was just that but it’s destroying you Michael and I...I don’t think I can just stand and watch.” For a moment Michael thought he saw smoke in the distances, a car on fire by the side of the road, the three siblings watching. Michael had been lying to Alex for as long as they had been together, he always would be. He could never tell him what happened that night, never tell him who he really was. It hadn't bothered Michael before, but over the last month Michael had come to a realisation; people around him got hurt. It had happened to Rosa, to Liz and Alex when his father hurt him. Michael being in Alex's life was like Alex sitting next to a time bomb waiting to go off. 

"You wanna know why I changed?" Michael walked forward towards Alex, his head tilted to the side. Alex just looked at him with pleading eyes that told him _yes. “_ Your dad, he ruined everything,” It was a low blow, maybe the lowest but the anger had taken over Michael, lashing out at everything in its path and unfortunately that was Alex. “He took everything from me and when I said I didn't regret what we did, didn't regret trusting you,” Michael just looked at Alex; the boy who had given him a home, the boy who showed him kindness like no other, the boy he loved. Michael took a step closer, “I was wrong," Michael quietly said. Alex looked like he’d been struck across the face and Michael felt nausea building in his stomach.

"You don't mean that," Alex whispered, squeezing his eyes together.

"You wanted the truth, Alex! Well there it is, this is the new me courtesy of Jesse Manes," Michael finished, turning his back and heading towards the truck. He told himself he was doing this for Alex, that Alex was going to leave eventually anyway. While Alex had been at training the pair had talked a bit, and while Alex tried to hid it Michael could tell that Alex was happy there; he was free of Jesse why wouldn't he be. Alex was going to leave, it was a thought that had played over and over in his mind the entire time he was away, the reason he got blackout drunk the night before, not wanting to hear Alex tell him today he was leaving Michael behind.

Alex walked forward, reaching out and grabbing Michael's shoulder, turning him around to face him. "No, no there is something else, something you're not telling me!" Alex called, feeling his already weak resolve breaking. They had shared so much with each other, their lives, their bodies but now Michael had shut down. Keeping whatever was breaking him to himself.

Alex just watched as Michael stared at him. Alex stepped forward, tears threatening to pour over, "Please Michael just-just talk to me?" He begged but Michael held his ground, his eyes never leaving Alex's. Alex stepped closer again, he could feel the pit in his stomach growing as Michael said nothing, "Tell me whats going on, tell me how I can help?" Alex continued. Michael still didn't answer and Alex could feel his patience wearing thin, his anger finally bubbling to the surface. Alex reached up and ran his hands threw his hair, "I can't live like this-I-I can't keep wondering if the next time I get a call from you you're in jail again or-or in the hospital," Alex gasped, "I can't watch you turn into this-person-"

"So leave!" Michael finally said, his voice laced his anger "That's your plan anyway right?" Michael dug, his eyes narrowed.

Alex took in a breath, shaking his head. He hadn't told Michael his plan to leave Roswell but clearly Michael had picked up on Alex's enthusiasm when he was away. Alex sighed, "That's not fair-" 

"ISNT IT!” Michael roared, his own eyes starting to fill with tears. "You promised me you'd stay," Michael yelled. 

Alex shook his head. "It-it isn't that easy," Alex tried to defend but Michael clearly wasn't interested in Alex's excuses. Michael gave a bitter laugh, shaking his head with a joyless smile. Alex tried to find the calmness he had lost a while ago, "Look even If I leave, that doesn't change anything between us," He said with a reassuring smile, "We can still be together," Alex said stepping closer to Michael, "But you've got to tell me what is going on," Alex pleaded, his body starting to feel exhausted from the array of emotions he was feeling.

Michael just looked at Alex, he had clearly heard what he had said but made no effort to reply. Alex felt truly exhausted from the conversation, Michael pushing back at him at every point, almost like he didn't want to stop fighting. Alex shook his head, frustrated at Guerin's lack of reply or seemingly interest in the conversation, "Tell me, tell me now or-"

"Or what?" Michael spat. 

Alex didn't answer, the question hanging heavy in the air. He didn't need to answer it, Michael knew. Alex took a step forward, reaching out to grab Michael's hands, looking down at them as he smoothed his thumb over to the top of them. "Whatever is wrong, we-we can fix it, together, just please, please talk to me" Alex pleaded, his voice weak, his lower lip trembling. Alex looked up at Michael, tears threatening to spill over as well. For a moment Alex thought he saw something change, Michael's face softening. He looked up at Alex, _this was it_ Alex thought. Michael opened his mouth, but instead of an answer, nothing came out, after a moment, Michael pressed his lips shut together and pulled his hands away from Alex's, stepping back.

Alex had heard the phrase 'silence is deafening' and had never understood it till now. The silence from Guerin was deafening, his lack of response was somehow worst that any words Alex could think of. Alex just stared at Guerin as it felt like the ground beneath him shifted and broke. "You promised me!” Alex yelled, his face scrunched up in pain, “You promised me this town wouldn't break us!" He cried, tears staining his shirt as he stood in the desert.

Michael looked down to the ground for a second, then back up at Alex as a tear made its way down his cheek, "Well I guess we both broke our promises huh?" Michael said, his voice drenched in bitterness.

Alex staggered back away from Guerin, tears spilling down his face. Michael's face stayed dark and unwavering and for a second Alex barely recognised the person standing in front of him. _This couldn't be it_ Alex repeated in his head, but as he looked at Guerin; who's kind eyes were now shrouded in hate and rage, Alex knew it was. He stepped back again, more tears making their way down his face. Alex wanted to say something, wanted to yell and scream, anything to keep the conversation going, anything to stop this from being it. He opened his mouth but it was then Alex realised that was nothing left to say. Slowly, he closed his mouth, pressing his lips together.

He backed away again, not wanting to tear his eyes from Michael but eventually turning his back. Alex kept walking, every part of him wanting to turn around, or look behind, but he didn't. Instead, Alex kept his eyes forward as tears poured over, biting his bottom lip to stop his cries as he walked back to his house. 

Alex stormed into the house and into his room. Once Alex entered his room he paced for a moment, unsure what to do. Alex could feel the pressure building in his chest, his lungs aching. Alex walked over and slammed his door shut, the act only giving Alex a moment of relief before the throbbing and numbness reappeared in his chest. Alex felt a sob escape his mouth, he reached up and covered his mouth with his hands, pressing against his face hard to stop the cries. Alex slides down his wall as the room filled with muffled screams. Alex wasn't sure how long he's been sat on the floor, it simultaneously felt like hours and minutes. Alex heard the door open and made no effort to stop his cries or move.

Alex felt as someone sat next to him, "I'm sorry little brother," Greg's voice quietly said.

Alex continued to sob into his hand, pulling it back after a moment "I hate him, I hate him" Alex wept, but even as he said the words he knew they weren't true; he didn't hate Michael, he was sure he could never hate him, but right now he wished he could.

Michael watched as Alex left, not moving until his body was gone into the distances. Michael felt nothing. The numbness that had been in his chest had spread around his entire body. Alex was gone, he told himself, he’d left. Michael still couldn’t move from the spot. After a moment Michael stepped back, getting into his truck and driving away.

Michael played the conversation over and over in his mind. Watching Alex’s face, the pure heartbreak as Michael pulled his hands away. Michael kept his hands tight to the wheel, just looking ahead. _“Tell me, tell me now or-“_ Alex hasn’t even needed to finish the sentence, once it had been started it had finished itself; _tell me now or we're done._ Michael hadn’t told him, so they were done. Michael tightened his grip a little more. They were done. It played over and over in Michaels mind until it was almost deafening.

Michael swerved pulling the car over the side. Michael kept his eyes forward but the view was no longer clear, this time it was blurry and moving from the tears in Michael's eyes. He’d lost Alex, his mind told him. Michael squeezed his eyes shut tight, part of him wishing he could open them and be back in the desert with Alex, he could talk to him, tell him the truth. But he couldn’t, and he never could. Michael felt the familiar surge of energy growing in his chest, the loose change around the car beginning to rattle. Michael squeezes his eyes tighter. The energy travelled down his body and into his hands which were tightly clasped against the wheel. Michael's lips trembled, tears dropping off his cheek.

Finally, it was too much; the energy, the voice in his head and the vision of Alex’s broke face. Michael let out a scream, releasing the wheel to only repeatedly smack it with his hands not caring how much the action hurt. Michael's screams grew more desperate, eventually, the scream turned into a sob, his hands weak from hitting the wheel, this time falling hard against the wheel clasping the top of it. Michael felt the energy leave his body, his head coming forward to rest against his hands as the sobs continued to escape his body. “I’m so sorry Alex,” Michael whispered between cries, but Alex couldn’t hear, Alex was gone.

Michael stayed seated in his truck; he'd broken his promise, this town had beat them, this town had won.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooof I have written many angsty things in my life but this argument has to be up there for me! 
> 
> -AJ


	14. Its time to let them go.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After their tense argument, Michael and Alex separately struggle with how to handle what happened and deal with the ensuing fallout.
> 
> During the fallout, Alex receives a piece of news that changes the course of his life forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters after this and we are officially done... Here we see the crux of Malex's issue and something we still see in s1/2; lack of communication. I hope you guys enjoy!

Michael blinked ahead, the cold air falling around him as he laid in the bed of the truck as the morning sun rose. Michael stared ahead at the empty space, the pillow next to him showing now since of use, the covers laying untouched. Michael reached his arm out, his hand rest on the abandoned pillow. Next to the pillow laid Michaels backpack, several empty bottles of alcohol and acetone. Peaking from the backpack was a black sweater, the edge of the sleeved frayed as someone had pulled at them. Michael slowly blinked at the sweater his mind drifting back to sleep for a moment.

_Michael rolled over, his eyes slowly blinking open as the heat from the sun above warmed his face. Michael looked forward to see Alex asleep facing him. His chest was rising slowly, his body relaxed and peaceful. Michael reached out and slowly brushed a strand of hair from Alex’s face, tucking it behind his ear. Michael's finger lingered on Alex's face, caressing his cheek for a moment. Michael smiled as he watched Alex, the pair sharing a brief moment of peace in the chaos that had become their life. Alex’s face twitched, a small smile on his face growing. Alex’s eyes fluttered open, “Mornin’” Michael breathed_

_Alex reached his hand out to entwine it through Michael's hair, pulling the curls slightly “Morning” Alex happily sighed._

_Michael edged forward, placing a light kiss on Alex’s lips, “You know I could get used to this” Michael smiled_

_“Yeah?” Alex said, moving closer to Micheal, pulling the blanket around them._

_“Yeah,” Michael breathed examining every inch of Alex’s face as the sunlight covered his face, “When’s your dad back?” Michael asked._

_“Tomorrow” Alex sighed, trailing his hand from Michael's hair to his cheek._

_Michael could feel Alex tense at the mention of his father, the bruises on his face a stark reminder of the pain he inflicted not so long ago, and the pain he could still inflict. Michael moves his hand under the covers, his hands resting on Alex’s hips pulling in tighter against his body “Hmm so I’ve got you for another night then” Michael whispered, gently kissing Alex’s face avoiding the bruises._

_“You do,” Alex said, looking up to stare at Michael, before ducking his head, “Unless you’ve got something else planned” Alex quickly said._

_It had only been a week or two, but Alex’s uncertainty about where he stood in Michaels life was plain to see, almost like he didn’t know he was the only good thing in Michaels life. Michael used the hand from Alex’s hip to reach up and tenderly tilt Alexs chin up to look at him. “The only thing I have planned is lying in this truck with you” Michael kissed Alex’s lips, “All.” Then his cheek, “Night.” And finally, the tip of his nose, causing Alex to give a small laugh and smile, “Long”_

_As Michael pulled back Alex followed him, placing a kiss on his lips, his forehead resting on Michaels “That was my plan too,” Alex breathed. He moved back slightly, sitting up in the truck causing Michael to let out a little moan at the loss of contact. Alex just smiled down at him as he leaned against the side of the trucks inner wall. “Wanna drive into town and get some breakfast, I’m kinda hungry,” Alex said as he stretched._

_Michael pulled himself up, unable to stop smiling at Alex’s messy bed hair, his jumper slumped to the side slightly revealing his collarbone. Michael tilted his head to the side, a mischievous and flirtatious smile on his face, “I’m not surprised,” Michael teased, earning him a slight chuckle from Alex as his face went red._

_Michael moved so he sat next to Alex, “I wish your dad was gone longer” Michael finally admitted._

_“So do I” Alex sighed, leaning his head on Michael's shoulder._

_Michael looked down at Alex next to him, “I don’t know how I’m going to sleep without you next to me,” Michael said, while Alex couldn’t always stay the night the boys had grown used to lying next to each other. Michael felt as Alex sat up, looking at Michael. Then Alex slipped his jumper off leaving him in just his black tee,_

_“Take your jumper off,” Alex said holding his jumper in his hand._

_Michael pulled his eyebrows together, a shy smile on his face “Not that I’m not down for that but I thought you wanted to eat first,” Michael said, as he sipped his pullover hoodie off. Alex reached out and took Michaels hoodie, replacing it with his. Michael looked up at Alex with a confused expression._

_“This way when I’m not here you’ll still have something that’s mine and I’ll have something that’s yours,” Alex smiled down at Michaels jumper. Michael looked down at the jumper that was now in his hands, smoothing the fabric in his hands. Michael looked back at Alex who was smiling at him, his eyes even though encased in bruises still kind. Michael leaned forward catching Alex’s lips. Michael weaved his hand through Alex’s hair, pulling him closer. Alex reached out and wrapped his arm around Michael's waist his hands snaking under his shirt “so breakfast” Michael hummed against Alex’s lips._

_“In a bit” Alex hummed back, pulling Michael into his lap, both their jumps curled up together next to them._

Michael ran his hand over the jumper, the tips of his hands just reaching one of the sleeves. Michael pulled the jumper closer, his phone falling from his bag knocking against the floor. Micheal released the jumper, picking the phone up and holding it to his face.

No miss calls.

Michael's fingers hovered over the buttons. It had been a week since he and Alex had spoken, since he’d watched Alex walk away into the distances. Michael had been telling himself that Alex just needed time, this was just an argument; a bad one he could admit, but they’d get over it. Michael pulled opened the call list, the scrolling bar lighting Alex’s name up, he paused.

If Alex wanted to talk to him, he would have called, the thought burrowed into his mind a few days ago and refused to leave. Alex just needed more time Michael told himself, but when he called what would Michael say? He still didn’t have the answers that Alex wanted or needed. There were a thousand lies Michael could tell to explain his behaviour but he couldn’t lie to Alex, he deserved better. Michael let the phone slip from his hand, crashing against the floor. Michael moved his hand back to the jumper pulling it close, bundling it up to his chest as he closed his eyes, the alcohol that ran through his body pulling him back to sleep.

Alex sat next to Greg on the sofa, something on the tv playing but Alex wasn’t listening. His father was in the kitchen going over paper work at the dining table. His father had never discovered he’d snuck out a week ago to see Michael. Alex clenched his hands in his lap as the name ran through his mind. Alex hadn’t spoken to Michael since their argument a week ago, spending his time at home and being able to see Maria once during the week. He’d told her about enlisting, about how he could be leaving at any time. He didn’t bring up Michael and neither did she. Alex suspected she picked up on something whatever it was he was thankful.

“Alex.” Jesse said walking into the living room.

Both Greg and Alex sat up, “Yes Sir,” Alex replied, discovering over the week that life was a fraction easier if he kept his dad content.

“Have you packed yet,” he asked Alex, looking down at him. Before Alex could reply Jesse continued, clearly knowing what Alex’s reply was going to be. “You could be deployed any time, pack a bag,” his father finished, nodding his head upstairs. Alex simply nodded and made his way to his room. Alex pulled his cupboard open grabbing one of his old brother's duffel bags placing it on the bed. Alex walked over to his wardrobe pulling some clothes out and throwing them in.

“You need any help?” Greg said as he entered the room, hands in pocket.

“No, it’s fine,” Alex said, his voice cold and plain.

Greg simply nodded, before walking into the room, sitting on the bed next to Alex’s bag. “You wanna tell me what happened?” He asked quietly.

“With what?” Alex said, looking down at the contents of the bag, focusing on what he was doing.

“You basically leapt outta this house the other week to see Michael,” Greg said in a hushed voice, almost a whisper when he got to Michaels names, “Then you tell me you hate him,” Greg continues.

Alex could still hear his broken cries in his head as he wept on his floor next to his brother. The brothers had stayed seated for a while before Jesse had rung Greg causing him to leave the room for 5 minutes. In that time Alex has pulled himself together, regained his composure and calmness he had perfected over the years. Since then Alex had been working on autopilot, just working through the emotions. When Greg had returned Alex was sure he almost looked like a different person; his eyes dry, his face stern and body still.

“It’s complicated,” Alex sighed, he’d managed to avoid talking about it with his brother for the week.

“He didn’t take you leaving well?” Greg asked.

Alex thought back to the perfect statement he had prepared to tell Guerin; I am going to sign up, after everything that has happened my father has given me no choice but I still want to be with you and work at this, no matter where I am. Alex has never got to say it. Instead, he’d yelled and shouted and walk away without telling Michael. “I uhh, never really got to tell him I was leaving,” Alex said.

“Why?” Greg asked. Alex just looked at his brother, biting his lower lip. “It’s complicated?” Greg sighed, already knowing what Alex was going to say.

Alex nodded. The first few days after their fight Alex had slept with his phone to his chest every night, just waiting for Michael to call, to tell him he was sorry and he was ready to tell him the truth; the call never came. Alex thought about ringing Michael. Most days he looked down at Michael number, his finger inches away from pressing it but it was then Alex realised he didn’t have anything else to say to Michael. He’d told him what he needed; the truth, and until he got that he wasn’t sure what else to say. There were times Alex’s will started to crumble, he’d type out a long message but then delete it.

“It’s doesn’t matter anymore,” Alex said, trying to keep his composure even while speaking a bold lie. It did matter, it matter more than anything to Alex.

“Alex...” Greg said, going to place his hand on Alex’s arm when Alex walked away back to his cupboard.

“I uh should pack,” he said, keeping his back to his brother. He heard Greg sigh, walking towards Alex’s door, closing it softly. Alex let out a breath, his head going back to look up at the ceiling blinking hard against the tears that had begun to well. Alex took another breath, managing to regain control over his emotions. Alex pulled his head down, his face composed and natural, not exposing the inner turmoil that still raged through his mind. 

Michael heard someone speaking, their voice sounding muffled. Alex? Michael quickly pushed himself up in the truck ignoring how heavy his body felt, how his head pounded from the hangover that was raging his body.

“Rough night?” Isobel said, opening the truck bed, standing in front of it, her arms crossed over her chest.

All the hope that had held Michael strong against his handover left his body, causing Michael to sag back down, his head hitting the pillow, “Go away Isobel,” Michael muttered.

“Nice to see you too Michael, I’ve been good thanks,” he quipped,

Michael managed to pull his head up, focusing all his energy on the tailgate causing it to slam back up, shaking the truck. “I’m serious Isobel,” Michael warned.

He heard the tailgate open again, and felt as his sister sat on the edge of it, “You okay Michael?” She said, her voice softer this time.

Michael wanted to laugh, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d been ‘okay’ “I’m fine.” Was all he gave.

“Yeah because the bed of this truck screams I’m doing okay.” She said. Michael pulled himself up again, his eyes quickly glancing at the mess of the truck bed. Michael groaned as he pulled himself forward, slipping off the tailgate, standing on wobbly legs, running his hand through his hair. Isobel followed Michael off the truck standing in front of him, “Look I hadn’t heard from you in a while so I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay since-”

“Since what?” Michael snapped, walking towards his sister “ Since we framed Rosa Ortecho for killing two girls? Since we lit them all on fire or since we sent Liz away?” He quickly spat. His chest heaved up and down quickly, “Ohhh I’m doing, just dandy Isobel,” Michael mocked, turning away from her.

Michael shook his head. None of this was Isobel’s fault, she was just trying to be a good sister. “Sorry,” Micheal quickly said, “rough night like you said,” he chooses to leave out the part where he’d ruined the only good thing in his life, leave out the reason those actions haunted him so much was that they creaked cracks in his relationship with Alex that ultimately lead to its destruction and possibly his own.

Isobel walked forward and placed her hands on Michael's shoulders. “Look why don’t we grab some lunch, just you and I?” She smiled.

“Maybe another time Iz,” Michael said, walking pass her back towards the truck bed.

Michael pulled himself up into the truck, crawling back to his spot before. “You’re not alone in this Michael,” Isobel said before walking away.

Michael looked down at the jumper in his lap, pulling at the frayed edges. The jumper had once reminded Michael that even though Alex wasn’t by his side, he was still there. Now the jumper was a cruel reminder that not only was Alex not next to him, but he wasn’t even his anymore. Alex wasn’t going to call. Alex had told Michael _“tell me, tell me now or-“_ At that moment Michael had wanted to tell Alex everything; who he really was, what he’d done, how he felt. But he couldn’t and never could, Michael realised that he would never be able to be the person Alex needed him to be.

Michael launched the jumper across the truck bed watching as it tumbled down off the edge onto the dusty ground. Michael jumper over the side of the truck bed, climbing into the front seat, turning the key and driving forward. Michael only made it a few yards before he slammed the breaks on, his hands gripping the wheel tight. Michael there open the door and stomped back to the spot where he’d had the truck parked. Michael reached down and grabbed the jumper, Michael ran his hand over the jumper, remembering how it felt and looked on Alex, brushing the dust off it.

Michael walked back to the truck, combing back into the driver's seat, this time with the jumper on the passenger seat. Michael once again pulled his phone out, looking down at it. Maybe if Michael just apologised, Alex would forgive him, maybe then they could go back to normal. _Normal_ Michael gave a small huff, what even was normal anymore. Deep down Michael knew Alex wasn’t mad about Michael being arrested, he cared more about the why, and why Michael wouldn’t tell him. Maybe it was better this way, Michael would only end up hurting Alex, dragging him into his chaotic messy world. Michael threw the phone on top of the jumper, grabbing the wheel and pulling out of the desert.

Alex shoved another jumper into his bag, looking over to his cupboard to see what else he needed. He heard footsteps coming up the stairs, instantly knowing it was his father. His father pushed open his door, not bothering to knock. “Alex,” His father said, and Alex spun around, holding his hands behind his back.

“Sir,” Alex said, his voice scarily monotone.

Jesse looked around the room and walked into it, giving Alex a nod that told him he could relax. Alex kept his hands behind his back, not wanting to show his father how his hands slightly shook. Alex felt a shiver take hold of his body, his father was wearing a small smile, Alex swallowed hard. “I just got a call from the requirement office, someone dropped out of basic training,” He said with a sick smile on his face. Alex felt his hands drop behind his back, his whole body feeling weak, his legs felt as if they would buckle any moment. Jesse stepped closer, “You leave on Saturday at 8am,” He said.

Everything in the room went silent, he could see his father’s mouth moving but couldn’t hear what he was saying, a loud ringing started to form in his ear, travelling to his head and taking over his whole body. “What,” Alex managed to gasp, his voice sounding more like a noise than words.

Jesse just looked him up and down, nodding his head to the bag behind Alex, “You need to finish your packing,” He said, “We’ll talk more tomorrow,” With that he turned his back and closed the door behind him, leaving Alex standing alone in his room, the space feeling smaller and depleted of air.

Saturday. Today was Thursday. Alex had one day left in Roswell. 24hours.

Alex tried to take a breath but found his lungs had frozen like there was something in his throat partially stopping air getting in or out. Alex wanted to walk but his legs were firmly cemented to the ground. One more day. The thought ran over and over in Alex’s mind, nothing else being allowed to come forward.

Alex closed his eyes, squeezing them tight and contracting on his breathing, trying to remove the non-existent blockage in his throat. Alex could hear a noise just above the ringing, sounding like someone was repeating something. While before only one thought had consumed Alex’s mind now a thousand flew through his mind. He still had to finish packing, he had to speak to Maria, he had to- _Michael._ The lump in his throat expanded cutting off any air to his lungs. Alex’s felt his legs grow weaker, Alex threw out a hand to grab the edge of the desk, unsure how long his legs could hold him for.

He then felt something on his shoulders. Alex finally opened his eyes, knelt down in front of Alex was Greg, his eyes wide with worry. “Hey, Alex,” Greg said, his thumb brushing Alex’s shoulder. The ringing in Alex’s ear lessened but was still present in the background. “Breath,” Greg said, a soft smile on his face. Alex tried to focus again, swallowing before managing to take some air in, holding it for a second before letting out a deep breath, then inhaling quickly again, “Breath **slowly** ” Greg clarified. Greg began to overexaggerate his breathing so Alex could copy. After a minute, or maybe more Alex wasn’t sure his breathing evened out, the ringing in his head disappearing.

Greg moved one of his hands from Alex’s shoulder and brought it up to his cheek, wiping a tear away that Alex hadn’t even notice fall.

As soon as Alex became aware of the tears that were currently spilling over his cheek, they seemed to increase, taking over his vision completely. _Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael,_ the thought played over in his mind. Alex thought he’d have a few weeks or maybe a month and in that time Alex and Michael could work their crap out, that by then Michael would be able to tell Alex what was going on with him. But they didn’t have that. They had 24 hours. He had 24 hours.

Greg still knelt in front of him. Alex staggered back, tensing his shoulders. “I’m okay, it's fine,” He managed to choke out, the back of his legs colliding into the desk. Greg went to say something, but he clearly understood that Alex needed time and space. He stepped back and walked out of the room, softly closing the door behind him.

Alex stood still in his room for a moment before quickly walking over to his bed and snatching his phone up. He stared down at it before going to his contacts and selecting Michael, Alex paused for a second before clicking the call button.

Ring.

Ring.

Alex pulled the phone from his face and harshly hit the end call button before Michael could answer or it could go to voice mail. Alex internally cursed himself for hanging up but _what would he had said to Michael._ Michael deserved to know he was leaving but as Alex thought about telling him he felt nausea growing in his stomach. _How could he tell Michael that?_ Alex clenched his hand around the phone before letting the phone slipped from his hand, hitting the floor with a thump.

Alex reached up and ran his hand through his hair, trying to regain his composure as a thousand thought flew through his mind crashing into each other.

Alex let out a breath, swallowing as he tried to steady his breathing. Alex packed a few more things, his brain working on autopilot, not even aware of what he was doing.

He walked over to his large chest of draws, pulling them open, his hand instantly freezing on the handle as the grey pullover hoodie stared up at him. After Alex managed to free his grip from the handle he slowly picked the jumper up, almost cradling it in his hands as he sat down on the bed. Alex’s thinly valid composure crumbled as he stared down at the jumper, the touch and smell of it causing a hundred memories of Michael to engulf his mind. Alex felt tears prick the corners of his eyes as he brought the jumper up to his face. Alex harshly bit the inside of his cheek.

He wasn’t just leaving Roswell; he was leaving Michael and everything they had and everything they could be. Every instinct in him telling him to call Michael, to run from the house and find him in the desert and apologies for everything that had gone wrong. But Alex didn’t do that. Instead, Alex laid down in the bed, the jumper huddled up into his chest and face. Alex could still feel tears escaping down his cheek as he breathed in the jumper, every part of it reminding him of Michael.

Alex squeezed the jumper tighter, he'd spent the week trying to ignore the undeniable truth; he and Michael were over, they had been over for a week, Michael had never called, never told him the truth and Alex was never going to get it. After a week of silence, Alex had to accept that whatever Michael was hiding was more important than him and their relationship, more important than keeping their promises. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU for reading, pls leave any comments or thoughts you have, any kudos are appreciated and I'll see you guys for the last two chapters soon.


	15. Silence is the worst goodbye.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s Alex’s last night in Roswell and he makes one final attempt to reconcile with Michael but unbeknownst to him Michael has made a decision that could seal their fate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So one more chapter after this! I can’t believe we’re almost finished! I hope you guys enjoy.
> 
> -AJ
> 
> Also find me on tumblr as @alexmaanes

Michael screwed the top back on the lid of the whiskey bottle, placing it down next to him with a thud. Michael ran a hand through his hair, his fingers getting stuck in a few knots, but Michael ignored the pain that resulted as he continued to tug his hands through his hair. Michael looked down at the phone next to him, its screen blank. The blank screen was staring up at him provoking him. Last night he’d been sat in his truck trying to sleep when he’d heard it. His phone ringing. He’d looked down to see Alex’s name on the screen, Michael froze for a second and before he even had a chance to answer to call it clicked off, the screen going dark again.  _ He’d hung up. He’d rang Michael and changed his mind.  _ Michael glared at the phone for what felt like hours, seeing if Alex could ring back; he never did. 

Everything after that was a blur, he remembered driving to the closed liquor store and picking the lock, he briefly remembered grabbing bottles of whiskey and then he woke up. Half of the bottles around him empty, most of his supply of acetone gone as well. Michael didn’t remember getting into a fight but when he woke up his knuckles were raw and tender, fresh bruises across them. 

Michael had spent the morning trying to keep his mind in a constant haze, not wanting to focus on the fact that Alex had made his choice; he didn’t want to speak to Michael.

Michael was now sat in the back of his truck parked in the lot of the Wild Pony. Normally Michael would go somewhere more discreet but today he didn’t care. Michael could feel the flicker of static running through his body, itching to be used, his fingers twitching, his body feeling unsettled. Michael saw another car pull in across the parking lot, hearing people yelling and laughing, their voices gradated against the headache that was growing more in his mind. He turned his head to see Kyle Valenti jumping out of his new truck, still wearing his letterman's jacket. Kyle laughed with his friends, patting them on the shoulders as they walked into the bar. Michael shook his head; his mother was the sheriff and here he was walking into the Wild Pony. Michael gave a small laugh, clearly Kyle knew nothing about the Wild Pony, there was no chance on earth that Mimi Deluca would serve anyone underage.

The static inside him flashed and crackled. How could Kyle walk around and laugh after everything he did, after all the pain he’d caused. Images of a beaten Alex flashed through his mind, suddenly Michael was only able to think about all the horrible things Kyle had said about Alex, his actions at the prom. The Michael thought about that night in the shed when they’d first talked.

_ "The rumours that Kyle started..." _

Kyle had spread Alex’s sexuality around the school for days, finding every opportunity to tease Alex. At the time Michael knew it was a dick move, but after finding out what Alex had to suffer at home, what his dad was like, Michael could only imagine Jesse reaction when that piece of information got back to him. The bottle next to him shattered but Michael didn’t even register it.

Michael stumbled out of his truck, walking over to the car with complete tunnel vision everything around him going dark. Michael reached the new car, looking it over. Michael reached down and ripped the hubcap from Kyle car, tossing it across the lot, he then went to the other one, tearing it from the wheel and using his powers to snap it with ease. Michael made quick work of the other two hubcaps, focusing on the wheel as everything went blurry for a second, the tears bursting with a loud bang. Michael stepped back to look at his work, feeling a sick satisfaction run through him; but it wasn’t enough. Michael reached forward to tear the mirror off when he was hurtled into the ground. Michael’s head spun for a moment before he looked up to see Kyle standing above him. Michael felt the energy go through him again, he shoved himself up off the ground and thrust his hands into his chest sending Kyle to the ground.

“How does it feel Valenti,” Michael spat looking down at the boy as he tried to push himself back up, “Not a fan of being on the receiving end huh?” Michael said.

Kyle squared up to Valenti, “What the hell is your problem Guerin,” He yelled.

Michael pushed him again, “You, you are my problem,” He roared, “You think because you’ve got your little posse you can do whatever you like,” He snarled, Kyle tried to walk forward again but Michael pushed him, “ _ hurt  _ whoever you like,” He finished. 

Kyle just looked Michael up and down, cocking his head to the side a little, his brows pulled together, “This about Alex-“ before Kyle could even finish his story Michael punched him in the face, sending him stumbling back.

Before Michael could land another blow, someone grabbed him and shoved him into the side of the truck, his cheek pressed hard against the cold metal of the truck. He felt as his hands were grabbed and cuffed behind his back, he could hear someone talking but the banging in his head from the adrenaline drowned out the words. Michael was pulled off the truck and lead to a police car, the flashing lights blinding him.

Alex looked down at the packed bag, the clothes and few personal items in there all he would be allowed to take. Alex zipped the bag up, lifting it and placing it on the floor. Alex walked over to his desk, slumping down in his chair as he looked out the window. 

Alex could see the metal roof of the shed shinning, the moonlight bouncing off it. The wind outside caused the roof to shake, a loud clanging noise occurring. The glint of the roof combined with the clanging noise caused agonizing memories to flash through Alex’s mind. The glint of the hammer in his father’s hand, the sharp noise as it crashed into the table, into Michaels- Alex launched forward and harshly tugged the string dangling, causing the blind to come crashing down, sending some piles of paper on the windowsill to the ground. 

Alex staggered back from the desk, closing his eyes trying to push the images away, push them deep down where they wouldn’t disturb him. 

Alex felt his hands shaking next to him, his palms feeling warm and clammy. Alex licked his dry lips, looking around and sighing at the stack of paperwork that was strewn across the floor. Alex knelt and started gathering the paperwork back up, Alex had a few pieces held against his chest when he stopped, his hand hovering above the picture which laid on the floor. Alex let the other pieces of paper fall from his chest as he slowly picked up the picture. 

Alex and Michael were stood in the desert, leaning against their guitars, their faces full of smiles. Alex’s lip trembled, he stood up keeping his eye on the photo. Alex had printed it off a week or two ago, keeping it hidden in some of his work so his father wouldn’t find it. He intended to give it to Michael as a present but-Alex swallowed not wanting to think about all the things that had gone wrong with Michael and Alex. 

“Hey,” Greg said, stepping into the room, closing the door behind him. Alex smiled at his brother, quickly grabbing the rest of the papers off the floor and placing them on his desk. “I wanted to give you this,” Greg said, holding a photo out to Alex.

Alex reached out and took the photo, looking down at it. Mindy, Alex, Greg, Flint and Clay were all in the photo. His mother was smiling, Alex sat on her knee, Greg knelt next to him and Clay and Flint sat on the floor; all smiling. Alex was unable to stop the tears that filled his eyes, Alex shaking his head, “You…you’ve had this?” He whispered. Alex himself only had one photo of him and his mother, his father had destroyed everything else after she left.

Alex looked up, surprised to see that Greg’s eyes were misty too, “I knew dad wouldn’t have approved so I kept it hidden, took it with me when I was on tour,” He smiled at Alex, “And now I’m giving it to you,” He said. 

“Thank you,” Alex croaked, he walked over to his bag, placing the photo inside, “Have you spoke to him,” Greg suddenly asked. Alex froze for a second, his knee’s not moving. Alex zipped the bag back up and rose, walking over to the stake of papers, tidying them up. Greg sighed, “Alex-“

“Greg it’s done,” Alex said sharply, he was leaving in less than 24hours, he didn’t have time to think about Michael, “It doesn’t matter,” He said.

“You’re about to go to war Alex,” Greg plainly, “And…and I’m not trying to scare you, but you have no idea what could happen,” A darkness came over Greg’s eyes that Alex had never seen before;  _ is that what war did?  _ “Do you want what happened last week to be your guy's last conversation,” Greg asked.

The thought had played over in Alex’s mind, what if something did happen to him and he never saw Michael again? But then he thought about Michael’s face when they stood in the desert; so callous and full of fury. “I don’t know what to say to him,” Alex admitted, still looking down at the papers.

Jesse had called the boys down, interrupting their conversation and Alex was sure it was the first time he was relieved his dad needed him. During the conversation, Alex had connived his dad to allow him to see Maria for an hour, during the chat Jesse had made it very clear what would happen if he found out that Alex had lied. The way Alex’s body twinged when he moved was enough of a reminder of what happened when he disobeyed his father.

Alex sat in their usual booth in the Crashdown, Maria came bouncing into the café, sitting down across Alex. She smiled “Hey,” she breathed, reaching out to take the milkshake Alex had brought for her.

“Hey,” He said, smiling back at her. Maria’s smile only lasted a second before it fell, her eyes focusing on the straw in her milkshake, “Don’t look so sad,” Alex tried to say lightly.

She looked up, letting out a large breath, a faint smile on her, “I’m sorry,” She sighed, shaking her head. “It’s just-“ She looked back at Alex, reaching out and squeezed his hand, “I’m going to miss you,” She said, her voice twinged in sadness.

Alex squeezed her hand back, “I’m going to miss you too,” He said. He leaned back in his chair, a false smile on his face, “But I can come back to visit after basic training,” he said, not even sure if it was true.

“You better,” She playfully said, raising her eyebrow at him.

Alex laughed, taking a sip of his milkshake. He looked up after a moment to see Maria just staring at him, “What?” He laughed. 

Maria looked around before leaning forward, her voice hushed, “What about that mystery guy from the museum?” She asked, tilting her head to the side, “You haven’t spoken about him in a while,” she said, her voice laced with empathy almost like she knew what had happened.

“That was…” Alex started but he then found he didn’t even know what to say. He didn’t have it in him to explain the whole situation to her, that making the whole thing all too real. Alex just shook his head, looking down at the table. He reached out and traced random shapes onto the white table, unable to look up at Maria as he spoke, “That was just a fling,” He finally said. The words felt like acid coming up his throat, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. Maria gave him a sad smile, continuing to talk about something but even as Alex smiled his mind was just replaying over the words he had just said. The guilt arose in his stomach, catching in his throat.  _ It wasn’t just a fling. It would never just be a fling. _

Michael leaned against the prison wall, the phone is pressed hard against his head, “Jail Michael? Really-“ Max started to say over the phone, Michael pulled it away still able to hear Max yelling on the other end. 

“Look spare me-me the lecture please,” Michael slurred, pulling the phone back to his face. He shifted on his feet nearly stumbling backwards, He reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose, “I need you to grab my truck from the Wild Pony, drop it in-in the desert where it’s normally parked,” He managed to say, focusing his mind on speaking clearly. Michael swayed slightly, the metal bench in the corner looking more and more appealing as time went on.

Max sighed on the other end, “What did you do?” Max called.

“Does it matter?” He said, “Valenti deserved it,” He finally said, a mischievous smirk on his face, remembering Valenti’s shocked face as he collided into the ground. 

“You fucked with Valenti?” Max bellowed, and Michael could picture him pacing around in the room. 

“Look ju-just take care of the truck okay?” He said again, he heard Max sigh again, his eyes felt heavy, “And before yo-ou say it I don’t need bailing out,” He finished, slamming the phone back down on the receiver. 

Michael staggered back over to the bench, slumping back on it. The world went horizontal as Michael laid down, everything moving and shifting in front of him. Michael closed his eyes, picture himself in the back of his truck, Alex lying next to him, his arms wrapped around him. For a second Michael could feel the warm air across his face, Alex’s fingers tracing up and down his arm. Michael smiled; he moved his hand to grab Alex’s hand, but it fell hard against his cold skin. Michael’s smile slumped, the cold metal bench pulling him back to the cruel reality of his situation. He was in jail. Alex didn’t want to speak to him. Michael’s mind was clearing, his alien DNA sobering him up quicker than he would like. Michael curled in on himself even more, his hand still resting on his arm, picturing it was cradling Alex’s hand.

After taking for an hour or two, Alex dropped Maria back home, the pair sharing a tight hug before Maria gave Alex a teary goodbye. Alex watched as Maria stepped inside her house, pausing to take one final look at Alex. Alex sighed, wiping his eyes clear before driving home, Alex drove down the road looking out into the desert, the sky growing darker. Alex tapped his hand hard against the wheel, biting his lip.  _ It was just a fling _ Alex still felt nauseous from the lie, Alex drove past the Wild Pony, looking at the bright lights of the bar.

It was then Alex spotted it. Alex slammed on his breaks, the car coming to a halt in the middle of the road, Alex didn’t even think about if there were other cars behind him, he didn’t care. It was Michael truck. It was unmissable. Alex just stared at it, Alex heard a car beep behind him, flashing their lights. Alex turned the wheel quickly and pulled into the parking lot near Michael’s truck. Alex gripped the wheel with both hands breathing hard.  _ Was Michael inside the Wild Pony? _

__ Alex went to push open his door when he thought about his father’s words. Alex hesitated, but then thought about Greg’s words  _ You’re going to war Alex,  _ Alex pushed the door open and stepped in the lot, the cold air brushing against his face. 

Alex stepped closer to the truck, he used to consider this place his home, somewhere safe. He reached out and gently ran his fingers across the side of the truck, taking a thin layer of dust off. Alex peered over the ledge and looked in the truck; numerous bottles of whiskey were dotted around the ground as well as bottles of acetone. Alex’s stomach churned and clenched;  _ Is this was Michael had been doing all week?  _ What was the acetone for? Hiding his drinking? Alex walked to the window of the Wild Pony looking inside; no Michael. Alex wasn’t sure if he was relieved or not. Alex walked back to the truck, leaning against it. Michael had to be somewhere near, his truck was close. Alex leaned against the side and looked up into the night sky, counting the stars above.

After a while, someone stumbled loudly out of the Wild Pony causing Alex to jump. Alex looked down at his watch; he was running out of time. Alex slipped his phone out of his pocket; he had to tell Michael, he deserved to know. He clicked his call list, selecting Michael, the phone rang. Alex shifted nervously on his feet, looking down at the dirt and rocks beneath his shoe. Alex was sure he didn’t breathe the entire time the phone rand, finally-

_ “It’s Michael, _ _ don’t leave a message if I wanted to talk, I would have answered,”  _ The phone then beeped over to the voice mail. Alex cleared his throat. 

“Hi, Uh, Hey Michael it's uh, its Alex.” Alex stuttered, “I was driving home and saw your truck, I wanted to talk to you so I uh I waited for a while but I don’t think you’re going to show, “ Alex said, surprised at how disheartened he sounded, he was never good at hiding his emotions from Michael, he always felt so comfortable he didn’t need to hide them. Alex took in a large breath, biting his lip as he looked back up at the sky, “…. I’m being deployed tomorrow, someone dropped out.” He quickly said, believing if he said it quickly it wouldn’t hurt as much; He was wrong. 

Alex leaned back against the truck, his head bowed, “I know we haven’t spoken in a while and I know we left things badly, but I guess I just wanted to see you, to tell you myself.” He sighed. He wanted to be able to tell Michael face to face, hold him and work through it together. Instead, Alex was stood in the cold night, his phone held to his face as he spoke into the empty night. 

“Why couldn’t you just talk to me,” Alex burst, shaking his head as he pushed himself off the truck. Alex had tried to keep a level head all week, the shadow of sadness never quite leaving him…until now. Now a surge of anger went through him,  _ Michael had put them in this situation, caused this rift.  _ “Why didn’t you just tell me what was going on? I could have helped? I coul-“ Alex stopped himself, realising he was just repeated what he said in the desert. Alex stopped walking, looking straight ahead.

“I-I don’t know when I’ll be back,” Alex stopped himself short of saying  _ if I’ll be back _ , Alex cleared his throat, finding it didn’t make it any easier to speak, “I just wanted-needed to speak to you tell you-these months together,” Alex felt tears well in his eyes, Alex made no effort to stop them, “No matter how complicated it got, whatever happens to me next, I’ll always remember it,” He said with a wretched smile, Alex let out an uneven breath, “And whatever is going on with you, I hope you figure it out,” Alex couldn’t shake the bitterness that stuck with him when he thought about Michael lying to him, “I hope you find peace and happiness and I dunno,” Alex inhaled, the wretched smile being replaced with a sad hopeful one, he looked up at the stars seeing Jupiter glazing down at him, “Maybe one day we’ll both be back in Roswell and could try again could get it right this time, keep our promises.” He said quietly.

Alex stood in silence for a moment, part of him wishing Michael would just pick up the phone, Alex tried to ignore the thought that told him Michael had ignored the call on purpose. “Anyway, I should go.” Alex exhaled. Alex closed his eyes for a second, a solitary tear tracking down his face, “Michael I just, I know I never said it, we never said it but I need you to know that I love-“

_ “To re-record your message press one” _ The voice mail cut in, stopping Alex in his tracks, his mouth still open.

_ “To delete your message press two,” _ The voice continued, Alex pulled the phone back and looked down at the two numbers.

“Alex,?” A voice said.

Alex swung his head up to see Max walking towards him, his brow furrowed. “Max hey,” Alex said, trying to sound casual, quickly reaching up and removing the tear from his face. “Uhh, I was-was looking for Michael” Alex quickly stumbled, his phone still in his hand.

Max shook his head, walking over to Alex, “Well I hope it’s not urgent, he’s spending the night in the cells,” He said, clearly unimpressed and pissed off. 

Alex’s mouth fell open, “He’s in jail?” he gasped.

Max gave a hollow laugh, “He stole the hubcaps off of Valenti’s car, as you can imagine the sheriff wasn’t impressed with that, I’m just here to grab his truck,” Max finished, also noticing the drink in the back of the truck and sighing.  _ Michael was in jail. Again.  _ Alex clenched his hands tight, swallowing hard. “Alex?” Max asked.

Alex shook his head, backing away from the truck, “Sorry, I’ll leave you to it,” Alex quickly said before heading back to his car.

“Whoa didn’t you say you were looking for Michael? Need me to pass a message on?” Max asked.

Alex turned around to look at Max, “Just tell him…” Alex stopped. Is this how Michael was going to find out Alex was leaving? Through Max Evans? Once again Michael had chosen to get drunk and wind up in jail instead of talking to Alex. “Tell him…” Alex started again hoping the words would come to him, but they didn’t. Alex ducked his head, “Tell him I’m sorry,” Alex lamented. Max just gave him a nod, jumping into Michael’s truck and pulling out of the parking lot. Alex watched the truck disappear into the distances and a sickening feeling in his stomach told him that would be the last time he would see that truck. Alex looked down at the phone in his hand.  _ Re-record Message 1, Delete Message, 2.  _ Alex looked back up and he could no longer see the truck; it was gone, so was Michael. Alex looked back down at the phone, a tear landing on the screen blurring Michael’s name. Alex moved his hand, pressing the button. 

_ “Message deleted,”  _ The voice said. Alex slipped the phone back into his pocket, climbing back into his truck. Alex sat there for a moment, just staring at the bright lights of the Wild Pony.  _ Alex wouldn’t get to say goodbye to Michael. This was truly it.  _ More tears fell from Alex’s face as he pulled outta the lot. Alex stared straight ahead at the road, not looking back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really went back and forth about this chapter, considering their characters I always believe that while Alex wanted to leave, he wouldn’t of wanted to leave with saying goodbye, and I truly believe that while Michael would of been heart broken that Alex was leaving he wouldn’t of put himself in jail if he knew Alex was leaving, he would want that goodbye as much as Alex. 
> 
> -AJ


	16. Goodbye.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is leaving Roswell, and Michael is still in jail. After being bailed out by Max, Michael learns the devastating news that Alex was leaving, in one finale desperate attempt to gain closure; Michael seeks out Alex but will he be too late?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, here we are; the end.  
> First of all, I just want to say a massive thank you to every person who has commented or given kudos or reblogged on tumblr, it means the world to me.  
> Seeing regularly commenters enjoying this fic brought me such joy and love each and every one of you.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this last chapter, this was such a bittersweet chapter to write but I have thoroughly loved writing this series 💞
> 
> -AJ

Alex lifted the bags from the bed placing them down on the floor, wiping his forehead. Alex walked over to his desk looking down at the picture that was staring up at him. Alex slumped down in his chair, his fingers trailing over the faces that looked up at him. Alex had had so many ideas of what he would do this photo; give one to Michael, take one with him, frame it.

Alex reached out and grabbed a black marker, turning the photo over. He held the pen close to the paper, pausing for a moment not sure there was enough room on the back all the words he wanted to say. Alex placed the pen on the paper and wrote the only thing that came to his mind, the only thing that he needed Michael to know. Alex grasped his draw and pulled out an envelope and placed the photo inside, sealing it. 

Alex stood up again and held the envelope in his hands, slipping it into his back pocket as he grabbed his bags and went down the stairs.

He walked into the living room, his father talking to Greg. Jesse walked over to Alex, holding his hand out, “I’ll load your bags into the car,” He said sternly. Alex shifted the bag off his shoulder and passed it to his father who quickly walked outside to the car, clearly eager to ship Alex out of the house. 

Alex walked around the living room, looking at what had been his home for 17 years, the word  _ home  _ didn’t quite sit right in Alex’s mind, home had been the shed, home had been in Michael's truck and home had been with Michael. When Alex saw the truck driving away down from the Wild Pony last night, an ache had appeared in his chest and was still there, and a part of Alex worried it would never quite leave. Alex had spent all morning packing and trying not to think about Michael, worrying if he did he wouldn't be able to leave.

“Can’t believe I’m leaving,” Alex finally said, more to himself that Greg. Alex walked over to the fireplace, looking at the pictures of his brothers in their uniforms; why Alex be up there soon? Would this be enough to quell his father’s hatred of him?

Greg appeared next to him, examining a picture of his younger self that was on the side, “Basic training isn’t that bad,” He whispered, giving Alex’s should a slight nudge, “You’ll fly through it,” He tried to assure. Alex knew that, he’d practically been raised from birth to be a soldier, his father never missing an opportunity to prepare Alex for war. Alex knew he should be scared, that he should be terrified of going to war; but he wasn’t. Alex wasn’t sure if it was due to the numbness he had been feeling since his and Guerin’s fight or due to the fact Alex couldn’t imagine that what was waiting for him over there was worse than what he had to suffer at home, maybe over there, there was a chance he could actually win.

Alex looked up at his big brother, then quickly out the window to see the Jesse had started talking to their neighbour, probably boasting about the fact  _ another  _ of his sons was going to war, acting as if he was proud and hadn’t twisted Alex’s arm into this. Alex looked back over at Greg, “Can you do me a favour?” Alex quietly asked.

“Of course?” Greg said, turning to face Alex, his brows furrowed a little.

Alex licked his lips, “If-“ Alex stopped himself, still unsure about what he was going to do. Greg moved a little closer, Alex took in a deep breath, holding it for a second before exhaling, “If you see Michael,” Alex finally said, Greg couldn’t hide the surprise on his face. Alex reached into his back pocket, pulling out a white envelope, “Can you give him this,” He said, holding it out to Greg, his eyes flicking to the window to make sure his dad didn’t come storming back in.

Greg didn’t move to take the envelope, “Did you manage to talk to him,” He asked, Alex just kept his eyes down, not wanting to think about Michael lying in a jail cell somewhere, for a second the numbness was overtaken with dread but Alex managed to rein it back in. Greg moved closer again, clearly understand Alex’s silences, “You’ve got a few hours before-“

Alex just shook his head, holding the envelope out closer to Greg. “Just, give it to him,” Alex said a little harsher than he intended, he was asking Greg for a favour, one that could get him in serious trouble if his father found out, Alex shifted on his feet, “Please,” Alex softer this time. Greg just smiled at Alex, clearly not taking his harsh tone to heart. Greg took the envelope and slipped it into his jacket, just in time for Jesse to walk back in. Alex shoved his hands into his pocket, feeling his phone against his hand. Alex had turned his phone on loud when he’d left the parking lot, a small part of him had hoped that Michael would ring him, Max would bail him out of jail, Michael would see his miss call but nothing had happened, and now Alex only had an hour or two till he left Roswell for good. 

Alex nodded at his father as he slipped out the front door, suddenly needing some fresh air. As Alex walked inside he took in a large breath, but the fresh air did nothing to stop the ache inside him. 

Alex walked forward, scuffing his shoes across the floor kicking up dust and rocks. Alex reached the car and turned around to look at the house, Alex's eyes found there way over to the shed. Alex hadn't gone inside since that night, and the very sight of it was enough to twist Alex's stomach. Alex swallowed hard and his lip trembled, Alex shook his head and looked away. There was another reason Alex couldn't bear the sight of the shed. 

As much as Alex wanted to believe something else was going on in Michael's life, every time he saw the shed the heartbreaking thought entered his mind that nothing else was going on with Michael, Michael's change had been his fault, his fault for inviting him into the shed, for trying to kiss him that night. Alex closed his eyes tight and breathed slowly, reaching up with the sleeve of his jumper to harshly wipe his eyes. After he had managed to gather himself he turned back towards the house. Alex took another steadying breath, walking up the path, trying to ignore every instinct that told him to run as far and fast from this house as he could.

Michael shifted on the metal bench, his head pounding as the hangover had fully taken over his body, the large door to the holding cell was swung open, the grating noise of the hinges scraped across his mind. Michael lifted his foggy head, seeing Max walking into the room and closing the door behind him. “Good morning,” Max said, but there was nothing cheery in his voice.

Michael pulled himself up into a sitting position, leaning his head against the drywall behind him. “Maxwell,” Michael said in a sarcastic tone, “What are you doing here?” He said, one eye closed as the sun beamed in through the small window causing Michael to wince.

Max looked around the cell, “Are the camera’s out?” He asked. Michael just gave a sluggish nod. Max stepped forward, revealing a bottle of acetone from his jacket. Michael quickly stood up, his head spinning as he did, he staggered over to the bars and snatched the bottle, downing it in one. The pain in his head leased, his mind becoming clearer. He whipped his mouth with his jacket, passing the empty bottle back over to Max.

It was then the main door opened again and the sheriff walked in. She passed Max and come up to the bars, slipping a key into it and turning it, unlocking the door. She held the door closed for a moment, giving Michael a stern look before leaving the room. Before Michael could say anything Max intervened, “I’m bailing you out,” He said, pulling the cell door open, “And yeah you told me not to, but I wasn’t just going to let you rot in here,” He said, as Michael slipped out of the cell and into the main room, “Plus Kyle is kinda a dick so,” Max said, trying to lighten the mood slightly but Michael just glared at him. 

He didn’t want to be out of jail, Michael had come to that realisation during the night. Being in jail meant he couldn’t see his phone, he couldn’t think about going to Alex’s house and finding him, telling everything he wanted to. This was safer, this was easier, and now Max had ruined it.

The boys had gone to lunch for a while, Max trying to convince Michael to take the job at the junkyard. After an hour or two Max had agreed to drop Michael back to his truck, after he was convinced that Michael was sober. Michael jumped out of Max’s truck walking over to his own, just wanting to lie down. His hand aching at the lack of acetone he had been able to consume during the night. 

Max climbed out of his truck as well, leaning over the bonnet to speak to Michael. “Can you try and keep outta trouble for a little while,” Max said, it was phrased like a joke but Michael could hear the seriousness in his words.

“Goodbye Max,” Michael said, focusing on the tailgate and making it pop open as he approached his truck. He heard Max walk back to his truck and then a pause. Michael sighed, Max clearly had something else to say, probably some advice that Michael didn’t need or want.

“Wait I almost forgot,” Max said, striding over to Michael, “I saw Alex Manes last night,” The fogginess that was still present in his mind vanished, Michael didn’t move from his spot, Max continued to walk over to Michael, “When I came to pick up your truck he was waiting by it,” Michael’s breath quickened, his mind still trying to process what his brother had just said. 

Michael slowly turned around to look at Max, “He-he was at my truck? ” Was all Michael managed to say.

“He said he was looking for you,” Max said casually, not realising the magnitude of his words.  _ Alex had been looking for Michael, he had wanted to speak to him. _ Michael tried not to let a small fraction of hope crawl its way back into his heart. Maybe everything wasn’t ruined, maybe,  _ just maybe,  _ they could still fix this. “Michael?” Max asked, leaning against Michael’s truck.

“Did he say what he wanted?” Michael asked, trying to keep the urgency out of his voice.

Max paused for a moment, before lowering his head a little, “He told me to tell you he’s sorry?” Max said, clearly confused by Alex’s words. The piece of hope increases, burrowing in Michael’s heart a little, reaching out and taking hold. Alex was sorry; maybe about their fight, maybe about the ultimatum he gave, Michael didn’t know; all he knew was that Alex had wanted to speak to him and was sorry. “At this rate, you and I are going to be the only two left from high school still in Roswell,” Max continued, not that Michael cared anymore about what he was saying, his fingers inching to reach into his pocket and call Alex.

Michael pulled a face at Max, he meant it was one that meant ‘I don’t care’ clearly Max interrupted that as ‘please go on’ because he kept talking.

“I mean with Liz gone,” Max said, and Michael had to look away for a moment, not wanting to reveal the guilt that was undoubtedly in his eyes. “Kyle’s going to medical school,” He said and Michael was trying to think of a polite-ish way to tell his brother to leave when Max finished his sentence, “And now Alex leaving,” Every other thought left Michael’s mind, his slowly turned back to Max, Michael knew he said something, possibly ‘what’ or maybe something longer he didn’t know.

Max clearly understood the question, he was looking in the back of Michael’s truck when he spoke, “I bumped into Maria the other day, she mentioned that Alex was leaving for the military today?” He said, looking back over at Michael.

A hand reached inside Michael’s chest and tore the small piece of hope away, shredding pieces of Michael’s heart as it did. Alex hadn’t wanted to talk to him to patch thing up, he hadn’t come to apologies for their fight;  _ he’d come to say he was leaving _ , and Michael hadn’t been there.

Michael said something to Max, not that he had any idea what it was, “Michae-“ Max tried to say but Michael just flung his eyes over to Max’s truck, making the doors fly open.

“Leave, now,” He demanded. Max seemed to think for a moment before nodding and getting in his truck and driving away. 

Michael rushed to his own truck and jumped in, pulling harshly on the gear stick and throwing the car into drive as he pulled out of the desert. He knew going to Alex’s was a bad idea, Alex had told him what his dad would do if he caught him, but Michael didn’t care. If Alex was leaving today, Michael had to speak to him. The journey there was a blur, Michael had lost track of the number of cars he had cut off and stop signs he ran. Eventually, Michael could see the house. He threw the truck into park and jumped out, quickly walking to Alex’s house, no idea what his plan was when he got there. As he approached he noticed most of the blinds were closed, Jesse’s car wasn’t in the drive. Michael started to walk around to the side to see if he could see Alex’s window.

“Michael, right?” A voice said. Michael froze, the static energy flickering to life in his body. He slowly turned around to see Greg stood there. Michael relaxed for a second, he didn’t know much about Alex’s brother’s but he knew they didn’t share Jesses affection for violence and bigotry. Michael still kept his guard up, his hands held out slightly in front of him. Greg gave a comforting smile and Michael lowered his hands slightly.

“Is Alex around?” Michael quietly asked, having no idea if Jesse Manes was still somewhere lurking.

The smile fell from Greg’s lips, he walked closer to Michael, who instinctually stepped back. Greg seemed to understand, and stepped back again, giving Michael space, “He’s gone,” Greg said. 

The words were like a knife to Michael’s chest, like someone had torn his lungs and heart out, leaving Michael unable to breathe or feel. 

“ He left for basic training this morning,” Greg finished, giving a compassionate smile that was drenched in his own sadness.  _ Alex was gone.  _ Michael staggered back from Greg, about to leave when he spoke again. 

“He gave me something, to give to you,” Greg said, walking forward again. Michael stopped moving. Greg reached into his jacket and pulled out an envelope. Michael just stared at it, then, reached out and grabbed it, muttering a thank you to Greg before turning on his heels and leaving back towards his car.

Michael retched open the door and jumped in holding the envelope tight in his hand like it would disappear if he let it go. Michael turned and placed the letter on the passenger seat, on top of Alex’s jumper. Michael felt what reminded of his heartache as he realised these were the only two bits of Alex he had left. After a short drive, Michael pulled into the desert, not moving from his seat. He picked the envelope back up, looking down at it. Nothing was written on the top of it, if Michael concentrated closely, he could make out something inside; a letter? Michael flicked it over, staring down. Michael took a breath and tore the envelope open, reaching inside pulling its contents out. 

The envelope fell from Michael’s hand to the ground, staring up at him was Alex and Michael standing in the desert guitars in hands and smiles on faces. After a moment their faces blurred, and Michael could only see the shapes. Michael moved his thumb and swept it over Alex’s face almost as if he would be able to feel him. Michael turned the picture over,

> Yours always – AM

The words were only visible for a moment before the tears in Michael’s eyes made them unreadable.  _ Yours always,  _ Michael hung to those words like a life raft,  _ yours always _ . But the more Michael clung, the more he seemed to sink because Alex’s wasn’t his, Alex was gone and might not come back. Alex was one of the most beautiful people Michael had ever met, he’d given him a home, he’d given him love and there was no way that Michael would be the only one to fall for him. Someone else would fall for Alex, and maybe Alex would fall back. A ringing started in Michael’s ears. 

_ He’d been in jail.  _

The very thing that had caused the argument to begin with, had snatched his last chance of talking to Alex, of holding him. But it hadn’t been the sheriff’s fault for arresting him, or even Valenti; it had been his fault. He had pushed Alex away, he had lied and now Alex was going to war. Michael let the photo fall from his hands into his lap not wanting to ruin it. As he sat in the silent truck, 

Michael couldn’t help but hear Max’s words  _ “Even if it didn’t work out between me and Liz, I wouldn’t regret it because…even two weeks with her would make the heartbreak worth it.”  _ Michael had seen how heartbroken Max had been over Liz leaving and wonder if his brother still felt that way. It had been those words that had led Michael to kiss Alex at the museum, that had led him to take a chance on Alex.

The words Michael spat at Alex as they fought played over in his mind “ _ when I said I didn't regret what we did, didn't regret trusting you…I was wrong,”  _ In the moment Michael had meant it, the looming heartbreak of Alex having to leave and the pain Jesse Manes had caused had hurt Michael in ways he maybe would never understand. But right now, as he sat in his truck; a place that had been home to both he and Alex, he didn’t regret going to Alex at the museum.

No matter how much his chest ached, no matter how much he wondered where he would go from here, Michael didn’t and would never regret having Alex Manes in his life.

Alex leant his head against the window as he sat in the back seat of his dad’s car, watching the desert whooshing past him. Alex reached down and pulled his phone out of the side of his backpack. Alex looked down at it, he opened the phone and clicked Michael’s name, looking down at the text window that had appeared. Alex had told himself that he wouldn’t say anything, that his picture would be enough, but Alex realised that nothing would be enough, Alex still had so much to say to Michael and there their few weeks together as sweet as they were just didn’t feel like enough. 

Alex closed out of the window, turning his phone off. Alex had tried to speak to Michael, he had risked defying his father’s wishes by waiting by Michael’s truck. Yet Michael had been in jail, a repeat of what had happened the week before and maybe a premonition of what their future would be. 

Alex unzipped his bag, shoving his phone deep into the bag, Alex saw Michaels jumper in his backpack, he had spent hours deciding whether to keep it or leave it behind, in the end, he realised that he couldn’t leave it behind  _ it was Michaels, it was part of him.  _ Maybe that was just the price Alex would have to pay, their lives had become so entangled with the other, Alex wasn’t sure they could separate their lives again without leaving traces behind and losing a part of themselves to the other. 

As Alex looked out of the window, he saw the ‘Leaving Roswell’ sign approaching. Alex let out a trembling breath, he hadn’t spent much time thinking about where he was going, what he was about to do, all he knew is he wouldn’t be at home with Jesse anymore, that he wouldn’t keep losing battles anymore. 

The sign whizzed past Alex, he turned his head to see the sign in the background, already too far that he couldn’t read it. 

Alex turned back around, his eyes feeling heavy. Alex reached down and slipped Michaels hoodie out his backpack bundling it up and placing it between the window and his head, leaning his head back against it; it somehow still smelling like Michael. 

Alex closed his eyes, at the moment he didn’t think about what awaited him once he got to training, his didn’t think about the bitterness that was left between the two,  _ how he didn’t get to say goodbye.  _ At this moment he thought about their nights under the stars, their names carved into the tree, how Michael made Alex feel safe and loved in a way no one had. Alex reached up and wrapped his hands into the jumper; squeezing it. Alex had promised he’d stay, and he’d broken it. But maybe not permanently.

Maybe one day Alex could come back to Roswell, Michael would still be here and he’d be the person Alex had fallen in love with. They could start over, and maybe, just maybe, they’d get it right this time. That was the thought that Alex held on to, that would be the thought that would get him through the difficulties that were to come. Alex wouldn’t focus on the pain and the anger, but the love that had been there from the moment they said hello and would always be there till their finale goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🥺 The end! 🥺  
> However; this might not be the end, I am thinking of doing a similar series that follows them during the lost decade, let me know if you guys would be interested in that!  
> Once again, thank you for all your support!
> 
> -AJ (come find me on tumblr at @alexmaanes)


	17. Part 2: Hello again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Michael try to make peace with the choices they have made and reflect on where they are now and where they are heading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anddddd I'm back! I thought about having this chapter and the rest of the story being another fic and making them a series but In the end, it made more sense for it to be part of this fic as it carries on and has the same canon! 
> 
> ANYWAY, hope you enjoy and let me know if you have any thoughts comments! 
> 
> -AJ

_ The two boys stood in the desert, facing each other as their chests heaved heavily.  _

_ Alex gasped, "I can't watch you turn into this-person-" _

_ "So leave!" Michael finally said, his voice laced his anger "That's your plan anyway right?" Michael dug, his eyes narrowed and full of anger. _

_ Alex took in a breath, shaking his head. _ _ "That's not fair-" He called, walking closer to Michael. _

_ "ISNT IT!” Michael roared, his own eyes starting to fill with tears. "You promised me you'd stay," Michael yelled. Alex went to speak but found no words left his mouth, just a strangled noise that made It sound like he was choking. Michael started to walk away from Alex, he wanted to reach out but found he was frozen, his body unable to do anything like his mind was disconnected from his body. The choking feeling increased in his lungs as he struggled to breathe, the scene before him growing blurrier and hazier, Alex watched as Michael disappeared from view, unable to do anything as his vision started to turn dark. _

** January 2009 **

Alex flung forward in his bed his eyes blinking rapidly as did his chest. Alex reached up and lightly wrapped his hands around his throat, the choking sensation still faintly there. Alex squeezed his eyes shut, willing his mind to push down the images that were imprinted in his mind. Alex shook his head, looking around the army dorm where most people were still asleep, a few of the boys gathered around a small table, chatting quietly. Alex held his breath trying to steady it, reaching up and rubbing his eyes. Alex flicked his head over to the side to see the time: 5:02am. 

Alex groaned, going back to sleep was futile now, his mind too anxious to try. Alex led back down on the bed, staring up at the blank ceiling his eyes full. It wasn't the first time he'd had this dream, each time he had it the memory got more twisted, more nightmarish. 

Six months. 

That was how long Alex had been away from Roswell.

One week. That was how long Alex had before his first deployment. 

Basic training and the technical school had taken around 4 or 5 months. After that, he'd spend his time at the dorms training and learning new skills. The air in the dorm was cold, the January chill settling over, Alex wrapped his hands around the sleeves of his jumper, trying to warm his fingers.

Alex felt a dip on the end of his bed, "So you going to go home before your first deployment?" a cheery voice said, far too cheery for 5am.

TJ. Alex had met the boy during basic training, having to work together for an exercise and both of them going to tech school for coding. 

Alex had no intention of making friends, most of the other boys had given up trying to befriend Alex, him not giving them anything to work with. That hadn't worked with TJ and Alex had given up trying to push him away, maybe it would be good to have one ally here. 

"No," Alex said, keeping his eyes on the ceiling. Everyone was allowed to visit home before they deployed but Alex hadn't put in for leave.

"You didn't go home for Christmas either?" TJ said, "Is Roswell really that bad?" He joked. 

Alex didn't move, it was true, Alex hadn't gone back for the 10 days they got off for Christmas. He had thought about going home, being able to see Maria but then he thought about his dad. The 6 months here were like a vacation compared to being at home with Jesse, and then  _ Michael.  _ Alex had tried with everything he had to not think about the boy, but it never worked. Memories infiltrated his dreams and Alex couldn't unsee Michael's cold and rage-filled eyes as they argued. Alex couldn't stomach the idea of seeing Michael around Roswell. Alex couldn't decide what would be worse; Michael cursing him for leaving or Michael begging him to stay. So had decided to stay where it was safe.

"What about you?" Alex asked, not giving TJ a response.

"Hell yeah," TJ laughed, "Looking forward having an actual home-cooked meal," He said.

Alex shifted and sighed as he pulled himself up on the bed, resting his back against the bed frame. "Have fun," Alex said, giving a weak smile.

TJ was dressed in his uniform, his red hair cut into a short crop like every other boy's, even Alex's. He looked down at his hands, his leg bouncing up and down. "You nervous about our first deployment?" He finally asked, looking over at Alex.

Alex hadn't thought about it much, trying to focus on the present and not the future. "We'll be fine," Alex assured. 

"That's not what I asked," TJ said, raising his eyebrows at Alex.

"Are you?" Alex shot back, tilting his head to the side.

TJ thought for only a second when he broke out into a large smile, "Nah, we were top of the class we've got this" He said, giving Alex's leg a playful pat.

Alex raised his own eyebrows, cocking his head to the left. "That doesn't answer your question," Alex teased.

"Touche Manes," TJ laughed, and Alex was sure TJ laughed and smile more than any other person he'd ever met, it almost made him forget he was at war. "Captain says class rankings don't mean nothing when your out in the field," TJ continued, although he tried to hide it, Alex could tell that the boy was nervous.

"My brothers use to say that," Alex said, crossing his arms over his chest.

TJ smiled, "You've got brothers?" he asked,

"3, all older," Alex said. For a moment Alex was confused as to why TJ was surprised, but then Alex realised that it was probably the first thing about his personal life besides where he came from he had offered up. "They also said its normal to be nervous, in case you are," Alex said, giving a soft smile.

TJ looked away for a moment, before then looking back at Alex, his signature smile on his face, "I'm never nervous," he joked. Alex smiled back for a moment before he looked down at his lap. Alex tried to ignore it but deep down he knew why he hadn't pushed TJ away like the others; the smiling, the sarcasm and joking...he reminded him of Michael. No one would compare to Michael, he was beyond extraordinary. But TJ reminded Alex of Michael when they first met, full of quick wit and smirks. Alex felt his stomach cramp, It being a cold reminded of how much Michael had changed over the months. "You writing a letter back home?" TJ interrupted.

Alex looked over to where TJ had nodded, on the small table next to him was a piece of paper, a pen resting on the top. From where TJ was sat he wouldn't be able to make out the words, but Alex could.

_ Dear Michael, _

_ I know we haven't spoken in months... _

There were no other words, Alex had spent days trying to write the letter, somehow sure of what he wanted to say yet also having no idea. Ever since Alex had found out about when his deployment would be he had wanted to tell Michael, he was officially leaving for war. Alex knew that anything could happen and it made Alex queasy to think about what their last conversation was. He had played over the message he had almost left for Michael the day before he drove outta town, cursing himself for not leaving it; _maybe things would be different_. 

Alex picked up the paper and looked down at it, he folded it over and then folded it again before opening the draw and slipping it in. "No, no just writing some notes," He lied, feeling the shame that ran through him as he knew he would never finish that letter. 

TJ narrowed his eyes at Alex not believing him, he gave a small click of his tongue, "You are a perplexing mystery Manes," TJ said, standing up from the bed, straightening out his uniform. "I look forward to working you out," He joked, pointing a finger at Alex as he walked back to his area. Alex sighed, running his hand through his hair. Alex wanted to laugh, how would TJ work Alex out if Alex himself didn't even have himself worked out.

Alex could be deployed for 12 months in Iraq; maybe even more. Unsure what awaited him out there, Alex looked back over at the draw, slowly pulling it open and taking the letter out looking down at it. Alex unfolded it and grabbed his pen, settling down on his bed to holding the pen to the paper. Alex wasn't sure he would ever send this letter, he was almost positive he wouldn't, but he still needed to write something. Maybe if something happened, maybe if he didn't make it back someone could give it to Michael and Michael would be able to understand and know everything Alex had wanted to say.

Michael walked into the Crashdown, coming up to the counter and tapping the white top. Michael rocked on his heels as he waited for a waitress to come over. Michael bit his lip, in the distances he saw Arturo walk pass and Michael felt his chest tighten with guilt, the man looked so lost, like he was just going through the motions and working on autopilot, Michael wondered if he looked like that, the days when anger wasn't overflowing in his body a cold numbness would take over him. Arturo started to walk over to where Michael was stood, Michael quickly turned his back to face the booths in front of him, not sure he could handle speaking to the man who daughters Michael had snatched away. Michael cursed Isobel for making him pick up the coffees, wishing he was back in his truck somewhere away from everyone. His sister had convinced Michael to spend an hour or so with her for a catch-up after avoiding her and everyone else for months.

"Guerin?" A soft voice said.

Michael looked up from the ground and cursed again, it was Maria Deluca. Michael a small sigh, "Maria," He said, giving a false smile.

"How's things?" She asked, pushing a piece of hair behind her ear.

Michael looked around, blowing out some air, "Uhh you know, good," he lied. A headache started to form in his head, Michael's foolish notion that he had escaped today's hangover clearly being wrong. "What about you?" He said, not caring about what she said, just wanting to grab his drinks and leave the diner.

"Good," She smiled, nodding a little.

Michael nodded back and went to turn around when something caught his eye. A piece of paper was spread out in front of Maria, a ripped envelope next to it. But that wasn't what made Michael stop in his tracks, the handwriting; it was Alex's. Michael stared at the paper, unable to work out any of the words but Michael was sure it was his handwriting, Michael having stared at the writing on the back of the picture Alex had given him for the last 6 months. 

"It's uhh a letter from Alex Manes," Maria said, clearly noticing Michael looking. She reached out and picked it up, re-reading it, "You might not remember him, he went to our high school?" She said.

Michael tried to keep his face neutral  _ of course I remember him _ Michael thought, the words a bitter reminder that everyone in town still thought Michael and Alex were just strangers to one another, another wave of bitterness went through him as he realised that's all they were now. 

"Yeah, yeah I remember him," Michael quickly said, he cleared his throat, "He joined up right?" Michael continued, trying to sound casual and not like he was trying to get information about Alex;  _ which he was.  _ Since Alex had left, Michael had no idea what had happened to him. Through some research, he had worked out that Alex would be in basic training and tech school until around December, before waiting to be deployed. While searching, he also discovered that soldiers were given 10 days off at Christmas. Michael had spent the week before Christmas hauled up in his truck in some forgotten part of town, not wanting to run the risk of bumping into Alex, or maybe not wanting to realise that Alex never came back to visit Roswell. Michael had tried to ignore the itching thought that crept into his mind that told him Alex would never come back.

Maria gave a small nod, "Yeah," Michael then noticed the small frown on her face that appeared for a second, and how tense she looked. Michael himself tensed up, wondering what in that letter made her react that way. "He's about to go on his first deployment to Iraq in a week," She finally said, putting the paper down. 

Michael's whole body went cold, his head feeling light and fuzzy for a moment;  _ Alex was going to be deployed, Alex was going to war.  _

Michael felt sick, his stomach twisting and clenching. "Still can't imagine Alex at war," Maria said but Michael was already heading out of the door, needing to get some fresh airs into his tightening lungs. 

The bell rang as Michael threw open the door, the bell ringing in Michaels mind morphing into a high pitched buzzing. Michael found his truck and climbed in, driving back to his usual spot in a haze. Michael felt his mind become overwhelmed as an abundance of thoughts crashed around in his head, all bouncing off each other. Alex had written Maria a letter, Michae felt a twinge of jealously run through him, then a spark of anger, Alex hadn't said goodbye the first time, and he wasn't going to say goodbye this time. Alex could reach Michael if he wanted to; he just didn't want to. Michael shook his head, that was the least of what should be worrying Michael right now. Alex was about to go to war. Michael knew that when Alex had left but it hadn't seemed real, Alex was just training, going to school. Now he was leaving the country. He pulled into the desert, the dust his wheels had kicked up settling around him. He jumped out of his truck, slamming the door so hard it shook the vehicle. 

He had been so caught up in his thoughts he hadn't even noticed that Isobel had been waiting for him. Her hair was pulled up into a tight ponytail, her arms crossed over her chest. "Your only task was to pick up the coffee, how could you forget?" She scolded, noticing Michael had neither of the coffee's he had promised he'd pick up. Michael walked away from his truck, his body feeling full of static itching to get out, "Michael?" Isobel tentatively said.

"I need to reschedule," Michael blurted out, not sure he could be around someone right now, every part of him wanting to tear something apart or smash something, needing to release the energy in him.

Michael tried to walk past his sister when he held her hand up, "Whoa," She said, placing the hand on his chest, "What's going on?" She asked, her eyebrows pulled up

He stepped back from her, looking at the tailgate and popping it open, it falling with a thud. "We'll do this another time Iz," He said, coming to stand by the tailgate.

Isobel stepped closer to Michael, a concerned look on her face, "What happened?" She quietly asked.

"Nothing," He said too quickly to be the truth. 

Michael slumped down on the tailgate, closing his eyes and taking a few breaths. He heard his sister sigh, walking over to him. "Michael, you look ill," She said, "And I know you aren't ill because it's biologically impossible for us to get sick," She said. Michael couldn't see his face but he was sure that the calm neutral expression he wore when speaking to Maria was gone. Michael reached his hands up and wiped his face, clenching his hands in his lap. "Okay, you don't have to tell me but, can I just sit here with you?" Isobel said, coming to sit next to Michael. He looked over at his sister, who was watching him with a watchful eye.

"Tell me about your day," Michael finally said, looking back to the ground. Michael didn't care what she said, or what stories she told Michael just wanted to think of anything,  _ anything,  _ that wasn't Alex heading into a war zone. Isobel started to tell Michael about her day and Michael gave a small sigh as he listened to his sister's calm voice. 

Isobel had sat with Michael for a few hours, telling Michael about her day, her plans for the week and anything else she could think of. Eventually, Isobel finished her stories and said goodbye to Michael leaving him alone with his thoughts again. 

Michael was laid down in the truck, staring up at the dark sky above, the clouds covering any sign of the stars. Michael reached his hand out and clasped a bottle of whiskey bringing it up to his face. Michael cursed; it was empty. Michael launched the bottle, hearing it crash and shatter on the dusty ground on the floor. Michael placed his hands on his chest, watching the clouds slowly move overhead, now and then a small star peeking through before it was hidden again. 

Michael reached into his pocket and pull his phone out. He unlocked his phone and went to Alex's name, clicking text message. The bar blinked up at Michael. He had thought about texting Alex over the last few months but never did, a small flicker of anger had been lite inside him when Alex had left and every time he thought about messaging Alex the flame grew bigger. How could Alex had just left, logic told Michael that he had  _ tried  _ to say goodbye, he'd come to Michael's truck, he'd called him. Michael clenched his jaw,  _ but still,  _ once Alex had left Michael hadn't heard anything from him, but then...Michael hadn't tried to reach out either. Michael started typing out a message then deleted it.

> _ Hi Alex, I know its- _

Michael deleted the new message, his fingers pausing for a moment before typing something new. 

> _ It's Michael, I know I- _

Michael stopped typing, clearing the message.

> _ How're things going over- _

Michael smashed the backspace button until the screen was blank. Michael let the phone fall onto his chest. Michael tried to calm his mind of the flying thoughts in his mind. He didn't even know why he was doing this, but he just-just needs to say something to him. Michael pulled his phone back up, typing out a message. Michael stared at it for a while before finally hitting send, unsure what prompted to send the message. Michael felt his handshake as he dropped the phone, not caring that it harshly hit his chest.

It had been the first time in 6 months since Michael had tried to reach out to Alex. The first few months after Alex had left had been a blur of drinking, fighting and jail. Around November Michael had come out of the blur, then in December Michael had reentered it when he realised Alex wasn't coming home. Now, Michael was trying to pick up the pieces, that's why he had agreed to see Isobel. 

Over the 6 months, Michael had almost accepted that their argument would be the last time he and Alex would speak. __ Maybe it was the alcohol that had been running through his body constantly for the last 6 months that had persuaded Michael to send that message. Michael rested his hands on top of the phone closing his eyes;  _ Alex wasn't going to reply,  _ and hoping anything different was hopeless and foolish, Michael had learnt what happens when you have faith in people; you get burnt. __

Alex hadn't moved from the bed, the paper still resting on his chest his pen having rolled onto the bed. He wasn't sure how long he'd been led there, listening to the indistinct noise around him. 

"You wanna go do some training," TJ said, walking over to where Alex was.

Alex groaned again, "Its..." Alex looked over to the clock, "It's 6:30am?" He asked.

"Yeah, and you don't look like your going back to sleep," TJ said, pointing his chin towards Alex. Alex didn't want to imagine how he looked right now, pretty sure he got a solid 3 hours. "Nightmare?" TJ said, furrowing his brow. Alex wished, nightmares weren't real, what plagued his mind was. "Come one we get deployed in a week," The boy whined.

Alex let his head fall back against the pillow, "Not today," Alex sighed, shaking his head a little. 

TJ rolled his eyes, about to walk away when he pointed to the table next to Alex, "You're phone's flashing by the way," He said, walking away from Alex's bed. 

He sighed. It was probably Maria, his letter to her would be arriving around today. Alex had never understood why his brothers would write letters to share news instead of calling or texting when they had their phones. But, once Alex had received the news of his deployment, and realised he had to tell his friend; he finally understood. 

Writing a letter was easier. 

Sending a text meant engaging in a conversation, one where she could ask questions and Alex would have to try and find an answer. Speaking on the phone meant Alex would have to say the words aloud, have to hear the assured fear in her voice as she spoke. Writing a letter was simply easier. Alex didn't have to see her reaction and once it was posted he could forget about it, put it to the bad of his mind. It was just  _ easier.  _

Alex reached over and slipped his hand into the draw, dragging his phone out. Alex brought the phone up to his face, almost dropping it when he saw the name; Michael. 

Alex shot up in his bed, the notepad tumbling off his chest onto the floor, the pen not far behind. Alex felt his heart rocked in his throat almost choking him. Alex just stared down at the name flashing on his screen. 6 months. That was how long it had been since they had spoken, Alex held his finger over the button, having no idea what Michael could say. Was he angry at Alex? Had something happened?

Alex swiped his tongue over his lips, biting down on his lip. Alex let out a shaky breath opening the message.

> _ Please be safe. _

It was so simple, three words. Alex felt his eyes swell, biting his lip even harder to fight off the tears, becoming aware of the other people in the room. Alex wasn't sure how Michael found out about his deployment, maybe Maria? Maybe Michael had heard it around town. Alex felt the guilt reappear;  _ he should have been the one to tell Michael,  _ but he had been too scared and if he was honest;  _ angry _ . Alex hated being angry, he hated how when he thought about Michael the first thing that came to his mind was their argument. Alex lost track of how many times he re-read the message, worried that if he looked away it would be gone. Alex pulled himself up more, crossing his legs under him as he stared down at the phone. Alex racked his brain for a reply, he looked down at the paper on the floor, all the words he wanted to say. Alex looked back down at the phone then he started to type. 

Michael felt his phone vibrate against his chest, the phone sliding off his chest onto the floor. Michael blinked a few times, being pulled out of his sleep. Michael cursed, looking around the dark night, the clouds still shrouding the moon and stars. Michael leant over and grabbed his phone, yawning as unlocked it. The fog lifted from Michael's head, his body and mind snapping awake. 

It was Alex.

Michael hadn't expected a reply from Alex. He had told himself Alex wouldn't have access to a phone or that he simply didn't want to talk to Michael; not that he could blame Alex. 

But he had replied. 

Michael clicked on the message.

> _ Thank you, you too. _

Michael let out a deep breath then a small laugh; Alex had replied. 

Michael felt a timid smile grow on his lips. It was small, he knew that. They had said; well, typed, all of seven letters to one another. But it was something, it was more than they had said in 6 months. Michael tried not to focus on Alex leaving for war, what Alex would go through, whether he'd be safe. Right now he focused on the message. Alex had told him to be careful, a part of him, no matter how small, still cared about Michael.

Michael closed the phone and placed it next to him, laying back down and closing his eyes for a second. 

Michael wasn't foolish enough to think this could fix things between them, there was a heavy darkness that seemed to hang above them now, like the clouds above. Michael blinked up at the sky, finding some of the clouds had parted, the moon and stars peeking through slightly. Michael couldn't help but feel a little smile creep upon his face, the corners of his mouth twitching as he watched the stars shine above; maybe there was hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the first part of their next chapter, hope you guys liked it! Comments and Kudos are always appreciated!


	18. Almost. Maybe. Perhaps. Nearly.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After 12 months deployed Alex returns to Roswell and finds the experience harder than he expected and turns to an old source of comfort further complicating things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some information regarding these next chapters!
> 
> 1\. While I try to research and gain as much information as I can, I am not an expert on the U.S military/Airforce or the U.S in general so apologies if I get anything wrong. If anyone knows any particularly useful sites for this information the feel free to let me know!😌 This also goes for Alex's PTSD, I have used research from medical/military sites, information from my studies/learning and personal experience.
> 
> 2\. The chapter sizes in the second part of the fic might be longer, each chapter is a snapshot of a year so there's a lot to get in and go over!
> 
> That's all, hope you guys enjoy!

**February 2010**

Alex sat in the front seat of the car, his bags rattling in the back seat of the vehicle. The window was rolled down slightly, allowing some air to rush into the car. Alex wished he had a jumper or coat, instead, just his army uniform. He reached out and rolled the window up, stopping the harsh noise of the wind and making Alex feeling a little warmer, but not much. Alex watched as the scenery whizzed by; trees, bushes, open desert and finally: Welcome to Roswell. 

Alex twisted in his seat to see the sign disappear into the background. Alex looked back forward, seeing the town in the distances growing ever closer, the lights glistening.

Alex tensed his hands tighter in his lap, letting out a puff of air as they pulled into town.

The WildPony.

The Crashdown.

The vast empty deserts.

Alex was convinced that everything looked the same.

The same lights shone in the WildPony; the same cars were parked there. The Crashdown's window displays looked the same, and the dust and the rocks that covered the desert looked untouched. All of them were darkened and empty. Alex checked his watch; it was around 1am. He had been travelling for what felt like days. He had arrived at base a few days ago before his leave was processed and he was allowed to return to Roswell. 

Jesse pulled up in front of the house, getting out of the car, slamming the door behind him. Their reunion at the base had been what Alex expected it to be; civil, quiet and cold. He had watched the other boys reuniting with their family; tears, laughing, smiles. Alex hadn't gotten that, not that he was expecting it. Alex got out of the car, walking to the back seat and grabbing his bags, slinging them over his shoulder.

Alex turned around and froze.

The house. Alex stared up at it. It had been 18 months since he'd seen it. It somehow looked smaller, more confined. Without thinking, Alex glimpsed over to the shed. 

Alex felt a hand on his shoulder; he instantly felt every muscle in his body tense up, his jaw clenching tightly. Alex flicked his eyes over to Jesse who was looking down at him, that unreadable look. He moved his hand to Alex's upper back, motioning him towards the house. Alex obliged and walked in, his eyes following the shed the whole way. After a few brief words, Alex went up to his room, closing the door and standing there for a few minutes. 

Everything was different. All of Alex's personal belongings had been packed away in boxes; his posters, photos, trinket, all gone. He walked further into the room, his desk now empty. Alex walked over to his cupboards, pulling them open; empty.

Alex walked back into the centre of the room, going over to his bag and pulling out some plain clothes, anything that wasn't his uniform. Alex quickly changed, stuffing the uniform to the bottom of my bag out of sight. Alex wandered over to his bed, sitting down on the edge. The house was silent, too silent. There was no other men snoring or whisper, no winds outside vibrating the tent, no distant explosions. Alex pulled his legs up and curled up on his bed, pulling the covers up around him tight, the house feeling particularly bitter. 

Alex stared ahead at the bare wall; his eyes blinking a few times. Alex was tired; he knew that. He could feel it in his body and his mind. But as Alex stared at the wall, he knew sleep was unreachable.

Alex vaulted from the bed, a loud clanging noise from outside sending his mind into fighting mode, all notions of tiredness leaving him. Alex stood in the room, his breathing sharp.

Again. Another crash. Alex flinched, he slowly stalked forward to his window, leaning over the desk and peering out. 

The metal roof of the shed shook in the wind, one of the corners becoming lose and hitting the wooden beams below. Alex let out a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment.

Clang

Clang

_Clang_

_Crash._

_Alex felt his head vibrate as the noise penetrated his ears. Alex felt his legs shake from crouching behind the wall, trying to see through the dust to his platoon. A bullet whizzed past Alex, clipping the side of the wall sending more dust into the air. He tried to steady his breath, clutching his gun tighter in his hand as he heard his commander shouting instructions, the dust sank, and Alex could see TJ across the street from him, trying to reload his gun while ducking behind a car._

_Another explosion went off, Alex ducking as rocks fell and tumbled to the ground._

_Alex closed his eyes for a moment, taking a breath, then another. Alex opened his eyes, straightening his shoulders as he steadied his grip on his weapon. Alex peaked over the wall; it's clear. With his gun ready, Alex ran across the road, which at the moment felt like an ocean. Alex skidded to a stop next to TJ, nudging into him._

_"It-its stuck" The boy stammered while trying to reload his weapon. Alex went to speak when another bullet hit the car window, glass shattering onto the boys._

_"Just breath, you've done this a hundred times okay," Alex tried to assure, they needed to move from here, their team was advancing and they couldn't be left here. TJ's hands trembled as he tried to insert the new round but missing, his breathing quickening. "Hey!" Alex called, causing the boy to look up at him, "Calm down, you can do this," He slowly said, "Breath," Alex finished._

_TJ nodded, taking a few breaths few finally reloading his weapon. Alex peaked around the car, noticing another team membered who motioned for them to follow. Alex reached out and patted TJ's shoulders, "We've gotta go," Alex said._

_TJ nodded, holding up his now reloaded gun with a faint smile on his face. "I've got you covered Manes," He weakly said. Alex looked back at his teammate, the gap to get there was more significant, there were more bullets. Alex took a breath, then another, then ran._

_Clang, as an explosion went off behind them._

_Crash._

Clang. The metal roof continued to swing in the wind. Alex opened his eyes, watching the roof. Every now and then the sound morphing into what was unmistakenly a bullet noise, _but it wasn't_. Their captain had said that the first time home after deployment was challenging and Alex had seen it in his brothers. Every noise was a bullet or explosions, everyone was an enemy.

That wouldn't be Alex.

Alex closed the blinds and went back into his bed, folding his hands on top of each other as he looked up at the ceiling.

It was the roof.

He wasn't in Iraq.

He was in Roswell.

Alex blinked up at the ceiling, his eyes still feeling heavy. The roof of the shed had continued to make noise all night, and every time Alex seemed to drift off, it would happen again, ripping him from his sleep. He maybe got a few hours, but he couldn't be sure. His bedroom door was pushed open, and Jesse stepped into the room.

"Breakfast is ready," Was all Jesse said, leaving the room. 

Alex quickly got ready and headed downstairs, grabbing himself a coffee and sitting down at the table, looking down at the breakfast before him.

"I have work today, have to see to something," Jesse said, reading a folder on the table, Alex nodded, eating his food. Jesse stalked over to the table, looking down at Alex. "What are your plans for the day," Jesse said.

Alex pushed his plate away, unable to eat anything more, "I'm going to see Maria," he said. He had rung Maria when he had arrived at the base, he was pretty sure the whole base heard her excited calls when she found out he was coming back.

"Anyone else?" Jesse quietly said, the question sounding like an integration rather than a curious father.

Alex knew what his father was really asking. While Alex had been away, he had spent many nights sleepless wondering if his father would confront Michael about what had happened. He had no way of knowing, no chance of protecting Michael. There was one way to protect Michael, and that was to stay as far away from him as possible, a painful realisation that came to him while away. If Jesse believed that Alex was no longer involved with Michael, then maybe he'd forget about him.

"No," Alex breathed, shaking his head as he spoke, "There's no one else here to see," The words were like a strike to the chest, his breath catching. When Alex had been told he could come back to Roswell, the first thought that entered his mind was _Michael._ They had shared seven words over a year ago and nothing since. It then occurred to Alex that Michael might not even be in Roswell anymore, he could have left in his truck. Alex swallowed that thought down, standing up from the table.

"I'll be back tonight," Jesse said, bundling the papers into a folder and tucking it under his arm. Alex went to walk out the front door when Alex felt a hand wrap around his bicep, "Behave," Jesse said in a low forceful tone. He didn't have to see his father's face to know what it looked like, cold and severe. "You've got a uniform to uphold now," His father finished, almost a whisper.

"Yes, Sir," Alex said instinctually. The hand stayed on his bicep for a moment, a silent warning, then Jesse released it. Alex felt the blood rush through his arm again as he stepped out of the door.

Alex walked down the street, he had forgotten how busy Roswell could be. He wrapped his arms around his stomach, his black sweater providing some warmth, but Alex was still cold. He came up to the Crashdown, taking in a large breath before pushing open the door, the bell ringing as he did. 

The cafe was bustling like usual, and Alex recognised a few of the locals. Alex shifted uneasily on the spot, the cafe looked smaller, and the more Alex looked, the busier it looked. Someone came through the door behind Alex, shoving him a little as they walked past. Alex's whole body went rigid, the flight and fight instinct still front and present. _There were too many people._ There was no way to properly assess if there was a threat, people continued to move past Alex like he was just a statue in the way. Alex tried to slow his breathing, closing his eyes for a moment. 

"ALEX!" A voice exclaimed. Alex snapped his eyes open to see Maria rushing towards him from a booth at the opposite side of the room. Before Alex could react, Maria flung her arms around him. Alex went to recoil, but Maria had her arms wrapped around his shoulders. Alex's arms were held out to the side, unsure of what to do. "Don't hug me back then," She joked, her chin resting on his shoulder, Alex moved his arms and pattered her shoulders. After a moment she pulled back her hands resting on his shoulders, a broad smile on her face, "It's good to see you," She said through heavy emotion. She had been the first friendly face Alex had seen since being back.

He felt a smile form on his face, "It's good to see you as well, really good," He said, the smile growing. 

Maria gave his shoulder a squeeze, and they walked over to the booth, Maria leaned closer, "So I hope you don't mind, but I brought my mother," She said, "It's good for her to see familiar faces," she quietly said. Alex quickly nodded as they came up to the booth, seeing Mimi Deluca staring out the window at nothing. "Look who's here, mom," Maria smiled.

Mimi slowly turned her head and looked at Alex, a small smile spreading across her face. "Well Alex Manes look at you, all grown up," He said, looking at Alex.

Alex slid into the booth, facing opposite Mimi, "Hi Mimi, how are you?" He smiled. Alex looked out of the window next to him, suddenly feeling exposed and unprotected.

"Oh, you know same old, same old," She said, waving her hand.

Alex wanted to move from his seat, but then Maria slipped into the booth next to him, blocking his exit. Alex felt his heart rate increase, "That's good," He quickly said. Mimi started telling a story, but Alex wasn't focused on what she was saying, just smiling while flicking his eyes over to the large window next to him every time someone walked past.

After an hour or so, Mimi left, Maria waved her mom off before moving and sitting on the bench opposite Alex. "Thanks for that, I know she appreciated it," Maria sighed.

Alex nodded, he didn't need to ask to know Mimi's situation was getting worse, she had told Alex one story several times. "You don't have to thank me, Maria," Alex said, receiving a thankful smile from Maria.

Maria ran her hand through her hair, resting her chin in her palm. "So how have you been," She asked.

Alex nodded his head, "Uh good," he said, his eyes still flicking over to the window every now and then.

She nodded back, "And how were things over there," She said, a little quieter this time.

"You know...fine," Was all Alex said. He hadn't even thought about the question, he had just answered. It had always been his go-to about questions about home life, and now it was his go-to for questions about wars.

"You've been deployed for 12 months, and it was all...fine?" Maria said her eyebrow raised like she did when she didn't believe what he was saying.

Alex let out a small puff of air, almost a laugh, "There's just-just not much to say, pretty uneventful," He lied, ignoring the hundreds of memories that tried to claw their way to the surface.

Alex tried to give Maria a smile, but it fell flat. Alex snapped his head towards the window, a truck backfiring as it went past. Alex just stared out, the noise echoing in his head, "You okay?" Maira asked. Her voice sounded distant like Alex was underwater hearing her talk just above the surface. Alex felt someone touch his hand, and he unintentionally flinched away before placing his hand back on the table. Maria looked at his face, studying it. She furrowed her brows, her 'psychic face' coming to the forefront. "You seem..." Maria seemed to search for the correct word, still studying his face. "Heavy" She finished.

Alex let out a deep breath. It was the right word. Ever since Alex had come back to Roswell, it had been like there was an invisible weight around his ankles, "Yeah," Alex breathed. "Sorry guess it's just taking me a bit of time to readjust," He quietly said. Alex internally cursed, Maria was Alex's only friend back in Roswell, and he couldn't even act normal for her.

"Which is understandable," She said in that understanding voice. She moved her hand but then stopped, bringing her hands into her lap. "You know I'm always here if you need to talk, right?" She finished, tilting her head to the side. Alex smiled back, a little less forced this time. 

Michael drummed his fingers against the steering wheel, his other hand resting in his lap. Michael watched as his sister went into the bakery to grab lunch. Michael lent his head back against the seat. Michael cursed, looking down as his injured hand seized up, causing Michael to clench and unclench. After the pain passed, Michael leaned back in his seat, watching as the people walked past. 

Michael noticed someone approaching the UFO emporium, talking to the person behind the glass. Michael spent most of his time avoiding town, the constant busyness of it unappealing to Michael. He watched as the person at the nodded and walk away from the booth, down the street. _Maybe that's what Michael should have done._ He looked back down at his hand, squeezing it for a second before releasing. _Would have prevented a lot of pain_ , Michael thought. He looked away from the emporium towards the Crashdown. 

Michael bolted up in his seat, the air getting caught in his lungs.

Alex?

He watched as Maria and Alex hugged before parting. Maria walked off down the road, turning round to wave at Alex before she disappeared. Michael breathed heavily; he's back. After their brief exchange over a year ago, Michael had heard nothing from Alex, he had assumed he was still deployed. 

But he wasn't.

He was here in Roswell.

Michael watched as Alex just hung around on the street corner, seemingly watching the people walk by. He looked the same, a little more built maybe, more muscular _but still Alex._ Michael reached out to grab the door handle but stopped, what would he say? "Okay, so two coffees and pastries," Isobel said as she climbed back into the truck, slamming the door behind her. Michael still watched Alex, who almost looked frozen on the spot. "Michael?" She asked, but Michael said nothing, he felt her lean closer, "Is that Alex Manes?" she asked.

"Yeah," Michael breathed, barely a word. 

"I thought he was deployed?" She said while chewing on her pastry, placing the coffees in the cupholder.

He turned and looked over at his sister who was watching him intently "Guess he's back," He casually said. Isobel frowned for a moment before turning back in her seat and sipping her coffee. Michael glanced back out that window, but Alex was gone. He anchored his head out the window to see if he could spot him, but he was gone. 

"The roads clear?" Isobel said, clearly thinking Micheal was watching for cars. Michael gave a quick smile and pulled out of the parking space out of town.

Michael swirled the coffee around in his cup, the liquid now cold, not that Michael had drunk any of it. He tilted the coffee from side to side, bringing it to the lip of the cup then rocking it back.

"If you get that on the carpet you're paying," His sister scolded, Michael looked up to see Isobel with her arms crossed over her chest. Michael shifted in the seat, the Evan's were out for the day, so it was just him and his sister. It was better this way, Michael had no intention of hanging out with his sister's parents, they had made their choices quite clear. "Okay, what is going on?" She finally said, reaching out taking the cup from Michael, placing it on the table.

"What do you mean?" He asked, slumping back in the seat.

"I mean you've been distracted all day," She said, Michael just shook his head even though she was right. Michael couldn't get the image of Alex out of his mind. He's back, the thought consumed his mind. Michael tried not to let the bitterness take over him at the fact that Alex had made no effort to contact Michael, he still had his number. "Ever since we saw Alex Manes." Isobel continued.

Michael tensed up, looking over to the window, "Don't know what you're inferring Iz," he said.

Isobel thought for a moment, leaning forward in her seat, "I'm saying the week he left was the same week you really went off the-" she motioned with her hands, and before she could finish her sentences, Michael interrupted.

"I don't know what you're talking about," He coldly said. Isobel opened her mouth, but Michael spoke over her, "Leave it." He ordered. Isobel seemed to be weighing up if it was worth pushing Michael. In the end, she just sighed.

"Ignoring something doesn't make it go away, Michael," She softly said. Michael was content with ignoring. He told Isobel a bullshit excuse and left, ignoring her pleas to stay. Michael climbed into the truck and headed down the road.

Michael wrapped his hands tightly around the steering wheel, _Alex was back._ Michael tried to push the thought to the back of his head, _it didn't matter,_ Alex had no interest in seeing Michael, he had made that perfectly clear when they had argued. Michael wanted to find a small dark hole in Roswell and just crawl up inside of it till Alex was gone. The thought of them having to pretend they had no idea who the other was, the thought of Jesse seeing them. Michael glanced back in the truck, seeing if there were any bottles of whiskey in there. He saw a few half-full bottles; that would be enough. Ignoring Alex wouldn't make him go away, but it might make it hurt a little less.

Alex laid in his bed, his eyes fixated on the ceiling. He had been back home for hours, he'd done some work for his course and pottered around the house. He should go out he thought, go explore the town, but he didn't. Instead, he just sat in his home. 

Now it was around 10 pm, and Alex was trying to sleep, but the roof of the shed was shaking again, and the noise had burrowed into Alex's mind and wouldn't leave.

Clang.

Clang.

Alex threw the sheets off of him, heading down the stairs and out the back door. The rain and wind were heavy, he wrapped his jumper tighter around him as he ran over to the shed. 

Alex paused in front of the shed door, like that was an invisible force stopping him from entering. Alex reached out and held his hand over the handle, Alex ignored the rain hitting him and how the harsh wind wrapped around him. Alex finally just clasped the handle and threw the door open and stepped inside. 

It was precisely the same. Alex hadn't been in the shed since he and Michael had met there the week after Jesse had caught them. Alex kept his back close to the wall. Alex had thought that Jesse would have cleared the shed, but he hadn't. The books that Alex had brought for Michael were still here, boxes of drinks and food still tucked under the table. Alex swallowed hard; he was here to fix the roof. 

Alex grabbed the chair and dragged it to the loose roof, noticing some water had pooled below it. Alex looked around, finding some zip ties and carefully climbing on the chair. Alex went to reach the roof when it crashed back down, Alex shook on the chair, reaching out to grab the wall to steady himself. Another crash occurred, and this time it didn't sound like a bullet, or an explosion; it sounded like a hammer. 

_Pull it together,_ Alex told himself. He took a breath, holding it for a moment then letting it out. Alex reached up again looping the zip tie through a small hole in the roof, pulling it down towards the wooden beam, a strong gust of wind push the roof down colliding with the shaft with a loud clatter. 

Alex let go of the zip ties and stumbled down off the chair, his breath was increasingly rapidly the shed roof going from sounding like an explosion to a hammer, back and forth, back and forth. Alex staggered back from the chair and back out of the shed, needing to be away from the noise. Alex rushed back into the house and into his room, harshly closing his door behind him. Alex paced on the spot in his room, his breathing quickening and increasing Alex unable to keep up with it. Alex crouched down in front of his bed, trying to calm down, but the noises just continued in his head over and over. 

Alex pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes, willing himself to relax, but nothing happened. Alex could feel his hands trembling next to him. Alex dug into his pocket and pulled out his phone, working on autopilot as he opened the speed dial list and clicked 1.

Michael was curled up in the front of the cab, his head leaning against the window. He shifted in his seat, his head feeling wobbly from the drink. Michael wrapped his arms around himself and was about to drift off when he felt his phone vibrate on the dashboard of the truck. 

Michael sighed, peeling his eyes open and reaching out and pulling the phone forward. The fogginess from Michael's mind dissolved and a stark clearness took over him when he saw the name.

> Alex Manes is calling.

Michael just stared down at the phone, had Alex seen him earlier? Did he know Michael was here? Michael clicked answer and brought the phone to his face.

There was silence on the other end, and Michael said nothing. Maybe Alex hadn't meant to call him, had sat on his phone or something similar. Michael felt the disappointment start to overtake his body, a heavy feeling settling on his chest.

Michael knew he should hang up but he couldn't, then, after what felt like hours Alex spoke. "I'm-I'm sorry I called I just-" Michael could hear Alex breathing hard on the other end, almost sounding like he was hyperventilating, Michael sat up straighter in the truck, "Today was my first day back, and everything was just-just a lot and different yet the same," Alex rambled, Michael didn't need to see Alex to know he was distressed. Michael had heard Alex like this before when things with Jesse were really bad, or he was just overwhelmed, Michael would just let him talk and listen, so that's what he did. "I have no idea if you're even still in Roswell but I just I dunno...I guess I guess I just wanted to talk to you," Alex trailed off. 

Michael gulped. It had been the first time Michael had heard Alex's voice in almost two years; 18 months. "What about Maria?" Michael finally said, and he didn't miss the way his voice was clipped. 

There was silence on the other end, and Michael was sure that Alex was regretting phoning Michael. "Maria's not you," Alex quietly admitted.

Michael wasn't expecting that. He thought his harsh comment would have sent Alex running. "Your back," Michael finally said.

"I am," Alex sighed and Michael noticed his voice was steadier but not quite normal.

"You okay?" Michael asked.

"Yeah," Alex quickly said, "I dunno," He admitted after. Michael bit his lip harshly. It had been so long since they have spoken, since Alex had confided in Michael. "I was trying to sleep, and the roof of the shed was making this noise and I just, I wanted it to stop but I couldn't," Alex stuttered again. _The shed._ Michael spent most days trying to push that memory to the back of his mind, while also using it as a reminded of what happens when you trust people. "I'm sorry," Alex silently said.

Michael let out a breath. His chest tightened for Alex, he could hear the pain in his voice, and regardless of everything that had happened thinking about Alex in pain was still unacceptable to Michael. 

"It's normal," Michael breathed, "After servicemen come back from deployment it can be tough to adjust, their minds and bodies still think danger is everywhere" Michael finished. Alex didn't say anything and Michael could practically picture his confused face. "I read an article," Michael explained, not telling Alex he had been the one of look up the effects of war. 

He heard Alex gave a small laugh on the other end, Michael felt a smile take over his face; _Alex's laugh._ It had been so long since he had heard it, longer than 18 months, their last few weeks together not filled with laughter.

"Yeah, our captain gave us some reading on it," Alex said, his voice finally sounding normal, "Guess I thought I was stronger than that," He said after, his voice low.

Michael clenched his hand around the phone tighter. Of course Alex thought he wasn't good enough. From his reading, Michael had found that virtually all services men struggle when they return home, trying to cope with change and sometimes PTSD. "I don't think it's about being strong Alex," Michael whispered.

"I know I just," Alex cut himself off, and Michael could hear his frustration. Michael knew Alex hated being 'weak', or like he wasn't strong; courtesy of Jesse Manes. "Sorry for waking you," Alex finally said.

"I was already awake," Michael lied. 

"How have you been," Alex asked.

Michael nodded a little, "Good," 

There was a pause, then he heard Alex laughed again, "That's a lot of information to process," He quipped, clearly teasing Michael.

This time Michael laughed, shaking his head, "It's Roswell, not much happens here," Michael couldn't remember the last time he'd laughed, one that hadn't been sarcastic. "I got a job," Michael negated to say that it was at the junkyard, pretty sure Alex would disapprove of that.

"That's great, Michael," Alex said. Michael could hear the sincerity in his voice and felt his eye's start to swell. "I'm learning coding, thinking that's going to be my day job." Alex continued.

Michael gave another laugh. Of course, Alex wouldn't be content with a regular day job, "Always knew you were a genius," Michael sighed and heard Alex laugh on the other end, that full-body, sweet laugh. "Full package like I said," Michael said, a little bit quieter this time. Alex went quieter on the other end. Michael let his head harshly hit the back of the seat, he'd forgotten what side of the line he was on with Alex, he was no longer able to say these things, the memories that were attached to the words were still clearly too raw.

He heard shuffling on the other end, the Alex sighing, "Shit my dads back, I should go," He said. Michael winced, he hated, _hated,_ the idea that Alex had to stay with Jesse, that that man still has some control over Alex, "Sorry for waking you," Alex said, clearly having not believed Michael when he said he was asleep. It went quiet again then Alex spoke, "It was nice to talk to you, Michael," He said, and for all the hurt that had come between them, for all the betrayal and bitterness that was still there; Michael could tell Alex meant it.

Michael nodded, the faint smile still on his face, "Yeah, was nice to talk to you too," Michael whispered. The phone line went quiet, but neither boy hungover, both waiting for the other. Michael made no effort to hang up, wanting to hang onto this small form of connection between the two. 

"Goodbye, Michael," Alex said, and this time the phone line went dead; Alex had finally hung up. Michael held the phone next to his ear for a moment before bringing it down and tossing it onto the seat next to him. 

A flurry of emotions surged through Michael, the air in the truck felt heavy, the walls feeling as if they were sucked in. 

Michael fidgeted in his seat, Alex was clearly struggling with being him, not that was a surprise he'd been at war for 12 months. If things had been normal; if they'd been normal, Michael would have gone and picked Alex up, taken him far away from the house and the shed where the boys could just be. But, things weren't normal, they weren't together, Michael wasn't even sure if they could be considered friends.

So, instead, Michael sat in his truck, playing the conversation over in his mind latching on to Alex's voice and tucking it away in his mind, not sure when or if he'd hear it again. Michael held onto something else, clinging to it like a lifevest; Alex had been struggling and had turned to Michael. Some part of Alex, still cared about Michael, even saw him as comfort. Maybe that would be enough, not to take them back to normal; Michael was sure that would never happen, but perhaps they could find some new normal.

Alex stood in his room, looking down at the phone still clasped in his hand. 

Alex had lied.

Jesse hadn't come home, Alex had received a text from his father saying he had to stay away for the night. When Michael had said _full package_ Alex had smiled, that kind of smile that only Michael could produce. But almost as it appeared it had been riped away. They weren't _that_ anymore, for a brief moment, Alex had wanted to tell Michael to come over, to say to him everything he had thought over the last 18 months. 

Instead, he lied. 

Alex had to go back to base in a week, he would be deployed again, and he and Michael weren't together anymore, they were over. Alex kept telling himself why they weren't together, why they _couldn't_ be together; Michael had lied, had changed, Jesse was still around, but as he repeated them in his mind, each time they became less compelling as a reason to stay away from Michael.

Michael had a job, he was doing something with his life, that's all Alex had wanted. Maybe Alex had no right to know what had changed Michael, was Alex going to tell Michael everything that had happened while he was deployed. Alex knew the answer to that. As for Jesse, Alex didn't see him when he was deployed or at the base, and when Alex had leave, he didn't need to stay with Jesse, he could go where he wanted.

Alex gave a sour laugh, throwing the phone onto the bed. This was all in his mind, an absurd fantasy. In 18 months they had texted 7 words, and spoke for 3 minutes, and now he was rewriting reality. It had almost been two years, Alex had no idea what Michael was like, maybe Michael had moved on, found someone else.

Alex squeezed his eyes shut tight, thrown by how painful that thought was.

Alex let out a breath, settling into the bed, closing his eyes. The shed outside was still banging, Alex squeezed his eyes tighter and tried to focus not on that, but Michael's voice, his laugh. The noise of the shed drifted into the distances as Alex focused on Michael, the boy still helping Alex without even knowing it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed it! Once again any comments and kudos are appreciated! 
> 
> -AJ: Find me on tumble at alexmaanes 😌


	19. So i'll wait.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex contemplates if Michael and he would ever be able to start again and gets some advice from a friend.  
> Back in Roswell Michael starts to move forward in his life while thinking about the future and where Alex fits into it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hii, I know it has been a while since I've updated but life got hectic so here we are (apologies!)✨

** February 2011 **

Alex tapped his foot on the ground, fiddling with the pen in his hand. He looked down at the files before him, twisting his head to the side like it would figure the code for him. He reached up and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. Alex jotted down some notes before typing on the keyboard. 

He sighed, slowing blowing the air out of his lungs. Alex looked at the computer monitor then around the empty room. Two years ago Alex would have been spending his nights at the Crashdown with Liz and Maria, or at home, in the desert with Michael- _Damit._ He had made it almost a week without thinking about Michael. Since Alex returned to the army, they hadn't spoken. Alex spent most days after returning staring at his phone, he knew Michael wouldn't text him, things between them were still _wrong_ somehow.

Alex glanced over at his phone, it was blank. Alex leaned back in his chair, his finger's posed over the keys.

"Manes!" TJ called, skipping into the computer lab. The boy came up behind Alex and rested his hands on the back of the chair. "Some of the boys are thinking about holding a card game you in?" He asked.

"I've got some work to finish," Alex groaned, looking at the typing bar flashing on the screen, almost like it was taunting him.

"Your shift was up earlier," He argued, shaking Alex's chair a little.

"Doesn't mean the work stops," Alex said, continuing to type on the keyboard.

He heard TJ snort and felt him let go of his chair, walking over next to him. "I mean it does, that literally is what it means when your shift is over," he corrected.

Alex rolled his eyes slightly, damn this kid was persistent. "Go start, I'll join you later," Alex tried to brush off, focusing on his never-ending work.

TJ laughed, coming to sit in the chair next to Alex. "You and I both know that isn't true," He teased.

Alex turned around to look at TJ; his eyebrow raised, "Don't _you_ have some work to finish," Alex said, a small smile on his face, "Those reports?" 

TJ lightly kicked Alex's chair, "Hey, you aren't captain yet," He joked, "I've still got a while till you can order me about." Over the last two years, Alex had excelled amongst the boys; not that he was surprised, Alex had basically been raised for this. His superior had been talking to Alex about a promotion, possibly captaining a team of his own. "Any news about deployment yet?" TJ tentatively asked. "You heard the rumours drifting around right? There's talk we're going to be deployed or stationed, and soon," TJ said. 

Alex turned back in his chair, looking down at the file, so he didn't need to make eye contact, the boy had a tremendous skill for being able to read Alex's face. "I don't know anything about that TJ; you shouldn't listen to rumours," Alex rebuked. Of course he'd heard the rumours, the whole platoon had. 

TJ leaned forward on his knees, "Look, they trust you, you're the rising star," Alex shook his head, biting the inside of his cheek. "My sister is getting married in a few months I just-" TJ sighed, sinking back into the chair, "I just wanna know if I should tell her I could get leave, I've been saving up," TJ said, the unsaid question hanging in the air.

Alex was looking down at the file but not reading anything, "I haven't been told anything," Alex lied, he had been told things, heard implications of specific orders. There was a pause, and Alex finally looked up, resting back in his chair. "But I wouldn't make plans," Alex quietly said. 

TJ came forward more, "So we're going?" He quietly said. 

Alex thought about the question, he should tell TJ to drop it, that he knew nothing. Alex looked up at the bare ceiling then over to TJ, who was staring at Alex with pleading eyes. "You still got leave, right?" Alex said in a hushed voice. TJ nodded. "Well, I would think about using it before the end of the month," Alex slowly said. TJ nodded again, although he tried to hide it, the disappointment was evident on his face. 

"What about you?" TJ asked, "You going to go home before?" He said, spinning around on the chair aimlessly. 

"No," Alex instinctually said, turning his eyes back to the forgotten code on the screen. 

There was silence next to him, and for a moment Alex thought TJ was about to leave but then, "Okay if you won't join me for cards then talk," He said, seemingly settling into the chair, no indication he was about to leave. "I've lived with you for two years and know you've got three brothers who enlisted and you lived in Roswell?" He said, holding his hands up in front of him, "I've saved your ass enough time to earn some info," He smiled.

Alex twisted the chair round to face TJ, an exasperated sigh escaping his mouth. "What do you wanna know?" Alex breathed.

TJ seemed to think it over, looking at the roof then down at the floor. Alex cursed himself for even entertaining this, he was about to tell TJ he'd run out of time, but then the boy spoke, "Why don't you ever go home?" He said. 

His tone wasn't accusatory or judgemental, just curious. TJ fidgeted in his seat, cocking his head to the side, "Most people here fight over leave time, but you..." The boy shook his head.

Alex hadn't been expected that. Of all the questions he thought he'd be asked; it wasn't that. Alex licked his lips, his hands pulling at the fabric of his pants. Alex tried to think of an answer, something that wasn't a lie but also wasn't the truth, a middle ground that would satisfy TJ but meant Alex could keep specific memories far down. "It's just my dad and me back there," Alex calmly said, "We don't have the smoothest relationship," Alex continued. 

TJ nodded, "Surely, there are other people there to see?" He asked.

Alex ignored the first name that came to his mind, the first name that always came to his mind when he thought about Roswell. "Maira," He said instead. 

TJ beamed, reaching forward and giving Alex's chest a playful smack, "Ahhh there we go," He called, he leaned back in his chair, raising his eyebrow, "So who's Maria?" He said in a teasing tone. Alex felt his stomach clench, he knew what TJ was implying. Alex gave a weak smile, shaking his head from side to side. Alex told himself he wasn't hiding, he wasn't lying, it was just none of their business. Whenever others brought up girlfriends and wifes Alex just sunk as far back into his seat as far as he could, hoping he would disappear.

"She's a childhood friend, she's great, you'd two get along," Alex admitted, it was true, he could easily picture the pair of them laughing and joking, both just full of energy. "I live in Roswell, but it's not exactly my home," Alex finally admitted, casting his eyes up at TJ.

"Home is somewhere else?" He asked.

"Home..." Alex started the sentence having no idea how to finish it. Home wasn't Roswell, it wasn't the house he shared with his dad, and it wasn't the shed anymore. Alex knew what home was, knew where it was; _Who it was._ "Home was somewhere else," Alex simply said. 

"Why don't you go back there," TJ asked, like the solution was so simple.

Alex gave a short, bitter laugh, shaking his head, "I can't." He breathed. Alex had lost that home over two years ago, he'd lost it the moment he bailed Michael out if jail. Alex ignored the voice that told him he'd lost it long before that, that he'd lost it the second he'd brought Michael back to that shed. "It's complicated," Alex smiled, hoping that would be enough information for TJ.

"I'm starting to see that," TJ laughed. "Well, maybe one day you can go back to your actual home?" TJ said with a hopeful smile.

Alex tried to return the hopeful smile, but be couldn't bring himself to. That exact thought had entered Alex's head after he had spoken to Michael on the phone over a year ago, and it had stayed in there the entire time he was in Roswell. Once Alex was back at base, reality sunk in. He and Michael would never be what they were, and Alex wasn't sure they could ever find new common ground, everything so broken and twisted. _Yet,_ there was still a voice that told Alex maybe there was a chance, perhaps it could be fixed. 

Clearly, Alex's silence was enough of an answer for TJ, he raised one corner of his mouth, lightly slapping Alex's leg. "I'm sorry," He said before a wide smile grew on his face. "Hey, maybe next time we both get leave you could come back with me?" He asked, raising his eyebrow. "The fiance is dying to meet you!" He beamed.

Alex smiled back, nodding, "She does sound great,"

"She is," TJ whispered, staring off into the distances. Alex couldn't help but smile as well, TJ had spoken about his fiancé Frankie numerous times, and he looked even more in love every time he talked about her. "What about you? Any romances waiting for you back there," TJ said, resting his head against the back of the chair.

"No," Alex said, cursing how quickly he said it, the defensiveness in his voice a clear indication of the lie he just told, _but was it a lie?_ There was no romance waiting for him back home.

"For some reason, I don't believe that," TJ breathed, pulling his head forward and rolling his chair closer to Alex. "Didn't end well?" He said sympathetically, knitting his brows together. 

Alex gave another harsh laugh, looking down at his lap, "Understatement," He simply said. TJ face softened. Alex let out a shaky smile, still unable to think about that day without feeling like he was being pulled right back there. "I broke a promise," Alex admitted, the guilt he felt about doing so had taken up a permanent spot in his body. "And so did h-" Alex stopped himself, coughing a little. TJ frowned for a moment, and Alex gave a hasty smile, "So did they," he finished. Alex pushed the shame he felt far down into the darkest corners of his mind.

TJ frowned for a moment, before nodding a little. "Maybe you just need some distances, little bit of time apart," He said, "Then maybe on one of your leaves you can go surprise them, big romantic gesture and start again," TJ smiled, rubbing his hands together. Alex had thought about it a few times, going up to Michael's truck and throwing the door open, telling Michael everything and just holding him. And maybe it would work, but it felt like a bandaid over a bullet wound, how long would their tranquillity last?

"Maybe," Alex said, a hint of hopefulness managing to slip through, feeling it in his chest. Alex looked at the screen in front of him, then the notes. Alex sighed, logging off his computer and flicking shut the folder. "Okay, let's go," Alex said, pushing his chair back as he stood up.

"For real?" TJ laughed, stumbling out of his chair.

"I think I need a little time apart from this code; then I'll start again tomorrow," Alex smirked, tucking the file under his arm as he started to walk out of the room. 

TJ draped his arm around Alex's shoulder, "See, I'm a genius," he said, nudging into Alex a little. 

_A little time apart._ When Alex had joined, he had enlisted for six years, he had done two that meant four years left. When Alex had gone home last year everything there had looked the same, everyone seemed the same. Alex wasn't sure the same would be true in four years. But maybe that was a good thing, perhaps a little change was needed. Maybe in time, the dark cloud that seemed to hover over Roswell and infect and destroy all that was good would disappear, leaving a blank slate to start again, maybe all Alex had to do was wait.

Michael leant against the counter, a cold beer swinging from his hand. Isobel stood in the middle of the trailer, her arms wrapped around herself like if she touched anything, it would immediately dirty her clothes. "It's...It's..." Isobel breathed, nodding her head slightly.

Michael shook his head, placing his beer on the countertop, "This is exactly why I didn't invite you," He scorned, wiping his mouth with his shoulder.

Isobel gave a huff, throwing her arms out a little, "You didn't let me finish!" She called. She took a few steps around the airstream, running her finger across the counters and quickly shaking the dust that collected on her hand, "It's quaint," She said with a slight smile.

Michael snorted, "You hate it," he said.

"I never said that," Isobel corrected, holding her hand up. "It's very you," She said.

Michael tilted his head to the side, his eyebrows pulled together as a smirk formed on his face. "Somehow that feels like an insult," He said.

Isobel gave a small laugh, walking over to the countertop opposite Michael and leaning on it, grabbing her own beer. "I'm very proud of you, Michael, you worked hard for this," She said, "How was that?" She asked, her own smirk forming.

"Sincere enough," He said, reaching his beer forward, connecting it to Isobel's.

Michael walked over to the bed and slumped down, his back resting against the wall. Isobel pulled herself up on the counter, ripping the label on her beer, slightly, "You going to invite Max over?" She tentatively asked. Michael took a sip of his beer, indicating to his sister he had no intention of answering that question, "Michael," She asked with more force this time.

Michael groaned, throwing his head back, "Can we just have one conversation that doesn't involve him please," Michael asked with annoyance.

Isobel slipped off the counter and walked towards her brother, her arms crossed, "He's your brother-"

"No," Michael sharply laughed, "He's just some dude that happened to crawl out of a pod next to me," He snapped, downing the rest of his beer and slipping past his sister to grab another one.

"So what, I'm just some chick-"

Michael spun around with his new beer in his hand, "I didn't mean you," He said, flicking the bottle cap onto the side.

Isobel rolled her eyes, reaching out and snatching the bottle lid, throwing it into the bin, "Well, whats the differences," She asked.

"Max only cares about himself," Michael admitted, chugging his beer hoping it would make the conversation go quicker. Isobel looked like she was going to speak to Michael stopped her, carrying on what he was thinking, "He doesn't care about the consequences of his actions or who gets hurt! He only cares about keeping this damn secret," Michael felt his chest heaving heavily, he shook his head slumping back down in the bed.

Isobel kept her distances as she spoke, "He's just trying to protect us," She quietly said. 

Michael looked up at his sister, studying her face. To an extent she was right, she didn't even know how far Max had gone to protect her the night of Rosa. Michael gripped his bottle tighter. 

"Well, he's done a pretty crap job of it," Michael mumbled, looking down at his mangled hand, feeling the hollowness in his chest start to expand.

"You guys use to be close," She said as she walked over.

"Things change Iz," He said, looking down at his emptying beer. They did use to be close, they used to be brothers. Then Max had made a decision that had ruined everything, broke everything, and Michael wasn't sure he would ever be able to forgive Max for that. Michael sighed, "Now do you wanna spend all night talking about Max or can we change the subject?" He asked, raising his eyebrow.

His sister seemed to think it over for a while before coming to sit on the bed next to him, pulling her legs underneath him. "I met a guy the other week," She said.

"Oh yeah? Who," Michael smiled.

Isobel beamed, sipping her beer, "This guy called Noah, he's going to law school," She proudly said.

"Law school? Nice one," Michael said, nudging her shoulder with his.

She reached up and tucked her hair behind her ears, looking down at her lap, "He's nice," She quietly said, blushing.

"He better be, I can blow things up with my mind remember," Michael teased, earning a laugh and a shove from his sister. "I'm happy for you, Iz," Michael finished, smiling at her.

She waved her hand to the side, "Its probably nothing," She sighed, twisting her hair.

"Doesn't look like it," Michael said, watching at his sister seemed to smile at the ground, her mind clearly somewhere else. "What about you?" She said, pulling herself out of whatever thought she was in. "Anyone I should know about?" She asked.

Michael laughed, but there was no pleasure in it, the hollowness taking over his body a little more. "No," He firmly said. It wasn't a lie, but somehow it still felt like one.

"Oh come on, there's no one?" Isobel asked, tilting his head to the side.

Technically there was no one, but that thought didn't sit right in Michael's chest, because _there was someone._ Michael looked up at Isobel who was carefully watching, her eyes narrowed. "No one," Michael said, still unsure if he was lying. Alex wasn't his, they had been officially over for two years, yet Michael couldn't bring himself to admit that they were nothing, that they were back to strangers.

Isobel placed her hand on Michael's shoulder, "Well, one day you'll find a nice girl with incredibly low standards," She joked. Michael didn't laugh, just letting out some air from his lips. He had thought about telling Isobel many times, but he could never bring himself too, it opened to many question and memories he'd instead not think about.

Michael shook his head, "Why did I let you in here," He sarcastically asked.

"Because you love me," She beamed, knocking her beer against his.

"Debatable," He teased, smiling down at her. Isobel rested her head on her brother's shoulder, the pair sitting in silence in the trailer. 

Hours later, Isobel had left, and for the first time, Michael was left alone in his new home. 

_Home._

It still didn't seem right to say, Michael had never had a home. Michael walked over to the countertops and grabbed one of the boxes, moving it to the other side, the ship pieces glowed from inside. Michael hadn't told Max or Isobel about his discovery. Both of them had made it clear that Roswell was their home, and neither liked to acknowledge that they must have had a home somewhere else.

Michael shoved the box under the table before going over to his backpack. He unzipped the bag and grabbed his phone, chucking it onto the bed. Michael then poured his rucksack onto the table, sorting out the content that was inside. After a moment, the only thing left on the table was his wallet. Michael reached out and grabbed the battered and dirted wallet flicking it open. A few dollars and some old cards greeted Michael, but that's not why he opened it. Michael pulled open the flap at the back, slipping the photo out.

The corners were bent and crumbled from wear, but the main photo was still perfect.

Michael looked around the trailer again, then back at the photo. There was a reason why Michael's truck had once felt like home, why the Manes shed had once felt like home; it was because of Alex. It was why this trailer didn't feel like home, just somewhere for Michael to sleep. 

He had no idea where Alex was, when he'd be back or if he would ever be back. Every now and then, the radio would talk about casualties of the war, mention names of soldiers who had been killed, those few minutes felt like an eternity. Whether Michael was driving, working or talking, everything would stop until he was _sure_ Alex wasn't on that list.

From some _light_ research, Michael found out that people in the military enlisted for either four or six years, he had no idea which one Alex had done.

That meant Alex would either be back in Roswell in two or four years. 

Would Alex even come back to Roswell?

Would he reenlist?

Michael stared down at the picture of the boys, guitars in hands and smiles on their faces. Michael flicked the image over, not he needed to be reminded of the words; they were forever etched into his mind.

_Yours always - AM_

Michael often wondered if Alex had meant those words, _always_ was a long time. They hadn't spoken in a year and Alex was currently thousands of miles away somewhere unknown. Maybe it was more metaphorical, maybe Alex just meant he'd remember him always, not that he would be his. 

Michael sighed and stood up from the table, walking over to the window by his bed. Michael leaned over the slipped the photo between the trailer wall and the glass, pinning it against the window. Michael laid down in the bed, his eyes fixated on the picture. 

Always was a long time, but Michael was sure that's how long he would love Alex for, even after all the pain, Michael wasn't sure he would ever feel for anyone else like he did for Alex. If there was anyone he'd always wait for, it was Alex Manes.


	20. Right here, right now.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After years apart Michael and Alex finally reunite in Roswell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter is LONG as I really wanted to capture Michael and Alex's feelings in this, also we've got a lot of perspective-changing between the pair, I've put -- when it changes to the other character just to make it clear!
> 
> After many many angsty chapters, I thought we all deserved some well-deserved fluff so hope you enjoyed!💛
> 
> -aj

**February 2012**

Alex sat on the barsrool, slowly picking the label off his beer letting it collect in a pile in front of him. Alex looked up, catching himself in the large glass mirror behind the bar. If Alex looked quickly he looked the same, but if he lingered, he could see the dark circles under his eyes, how much shorter his hair was. Alex could see the chain of his silver dog tags peeking out under his shirt. Alex was back in Roswell, he didn't need them but he had worn them for almost every day for the last two years, he put them on without even recognising what he was doing. "So what do you think?" Maria said, standing in front of Alex, blocking his view of the mirror.

Alex smiled, nodding as he looked around the Wild Pony, "Very Maria, I love it," He laughed.

Maria reached over and squeezed Alex's hand, leaning forward on the bar, "Since taking over I thought I'd make some changes you know, bring in a new crowd," She said, looking around at the small crowd in the bar. Since being gone, Maria had taken over ownership of the Wild Pony after Mimi had gotten worse. She tried to smile through it, but Alex could tell she was in pain, he wondered if she could see through his smile too. "It's nice to see a friendly face in here," Maria said, grabbing a beer from behind her and placing in front of Alex, taking away his empty one, "The only people I see are Isobel and Max Evens, and Michael when he comes in before heading over to Sanders for a pre-work shot," Alex pulled his head up.

_Michael._

He hadn't heard that name in years. Sanders, which meant Michael was a mechanic. Alex gave a small smile; he was always good at building and fixing things. "How're things over there," Maria said changing the subject.

Alex took a swig of his beer, slowly nodding his head, "It's okay," He said, staring down at the label on the front of his beer, Alex reached out and ripped the corner of it, "I was prompted to Captain," He said.

"That's great," Maria beamed, reaching out to squeeze Alex's hand again. Alex just looked at the label of his beer, tearing off more of the layers, "Isn't it?" Maria followed up with.

_Alex stood in the office, his arms crossed tight over his chest, "How many did we lose?" He asked, turning around to see the soldier in front of him._

_"6 or 7-" He started but Alex held his hand up, walking over to the soldier._

_"Their names, there not numbers," Alex snapped._

_The young kid nodded, looking up at Alex, "Johnson, Frankie, Marcus, Mickey and Sam," As he spoke each name Alex could see their faces, hear their voices as they joked and banter before heading out for their mission just a few hours ago, "Maz and Thompson we haven't found yet but...Presumed dead," The kid said._

_Alex slowly leant back against his desk, closing his eyes for a moment; Maz was around 18, the age Alex was when he joined and now he was dead and Alex was a captain._

_"And TJ," Alex asked, his voice catching in his throat._

_"A little bruised but alright, he's at the infirmary getting check out," Alex tried to hide the sigh of relief that escaped his mouth, it seemed wrong to be relieved when 7 members of one of his squads were dead. "You should get checked out to-" Alex pushed himself off the desk, holding his hand up to stop the kid from talking._

_"I'm fine," Alex said. He wasn't, but that wasn't important. The pain that was radiating from his shoulder and abdomen was nothing compared to what he other members of his platoon had suffered, Alex wasn't about to take up valuable resources that they needed._

_Alex motioned for the kid to leave, "Captain," He said, before saluting and leaving the room. At the start, Alex always smiled when he was called captain, but now as he stood alone in the room with half his squad dead and the rest injured, Alex didn't smile._

Alex reached for the label of the beer bottle but found it was completely gone, having scratched it away while lost in his memories.

Alex cleared his throat, taking a sip of his drink before smiling up at Maria, "Yeah yeah, it's great," he said, trying not to cringe at how unconvincing he sounded.

Maria raised her eyebrow, leaning forward on the counter, "Do I have to use my physic abilities to get you to tell me what's wrong," She joked, but there was a seriousness to it, she cocked her head to the side, "You've been quiet since you've been back," Alex had been in Roswell for a few days yet he hadn't settled back in, finding his mind was always preoccupied. "And have attacked every label that's been in front of you," Maria said, pushing Alex's beer to the side to reveal a growing mounting of shredded labels. 

Alex sighed, trust Maria to be able to see through him, if Alex didn't know it was impossible he would think she was a real physic. "Just, just coming off a rough deployment that's all," Alex said, keeping his face neutral the best he could. Deployment was never easy, it was war after all but this year when Alex had been Captain, it felt different. Alex was in charge of two Platoons, 100 soldiers and it seemed like every month that number got lower, Alex became less sure about his orders, whether he was doing any good at all.

Maria pushed herself off the bar, "You wanna talk about it?" She asked, going to reach for her jacket under the bar, "I can get someone to cover me and we can-"

Alex shook his head, "No, no it's fine" He smiled, Maria froze mid-way through putting on her jacket, like she was deciding if Alex was lying _he was._ "It's War," Alex shrugged, that's what he kept telling himself, what his commanders kept telling him; its war, do what you've got to do and don't ask questions, but he did have questions. Maria gave a small nod, slipping off her jacket and shoving it under the table. A customer came up to the bar and Maria told Alex she'd just be a second, moving out to way to reveal the mirror she had been blocking.

The bar looked fuller, a few more patrons had wandered in. Alex raked his eyes across the mirror, some people he recognised, locals that were a permanent fixture of the town. Alex looked down at the pile of labels before him, picking up his beer and bringing it to his lips.

Alex's eyes locked into the mirror again, the beer in his hand slipped from his grip, crashing into the bar below. 

Across the bar, hidden in some dark corner in the back was Michael Guerin.

Alex became aware of Maria in front of him, picking up the bottle and wiping the table where the liquid had spilt. "You okay?" She asked, but Alex could barely hear her, his eyes were still locked on Michael. Before Alex could react Michael turned around, and for the first time in three years the pair locked eyes.

Maria continued to talk but Alex could no longer hear her words or anything else in the bar for that matter. Michael was frozen in his spot too, neither looking away nor moving. Alex muttered an apology to Maria grabbing his jacket off the stool next time. Alex quickly turned and kept his eyes on the exit, using all his power not to glance them over in Michael's direction. The door seemed to get further and further away until finally Alex pushed open the door and stepped out into the parking lot, taking in a deep breath. 

Michael was still in Roswell. 

Inside the bar.

A few feet away. 

It had been two years since they'd spoken on the phone, Alex had no idea if he was here or if he'd finally left. But he hadn't left, he was inside the bar. Alex squeezed his eyes shut, a year ago he told himself that he and Michael just needed time, that maybe they could start again, but once Alex was faced with that option, he ran. Alex looked back at the bar, should he go back in? What would he say? Maybe Michael wasn't interested in trying again, their last conversation wasn't exactly the friendliest. Alex ran his fingers through his hair, peeling his eyes off the Wild Pony's main door before heading off down the street.

\--

Michael watched as the door slammed shut behind Alex.

Alex Manes was in Roswell. 

Michael kept his eyes fixated on the door, maybe Alex would come back in, after a few minutes he realised that was wishful thinking. Michael clenched his jaw, swallowing hard. He flicked his eyes over to Maria who was stood at the bar, a concerned look on her face as she also watched the main door. 

Alex had left again.

He gave a bitter laugh, guess Alex didn't mean always. Michael shifted on his feet, heading over to the bar needing to drink something to wash away the bitter taste in his mouth. Just as Michael reached the bar, his phone went.

Michael couldn't lie to himself, the whole time he was fumbling to find his phone he only wanted it to be one person on the other line. Finally, Michael flicked open the phone, the crushing reality settling over him. "Sanders," Michael sighed as he answered the call. The older man barked some orders at Michael; he was meant to be at work, his lunch break finished over half an hour ago, the usual. Michael told the old man he'd be there, slipping his phone into his pocket. Michael cursed, he needed to numb his mind, he quickly moved towards the bar, grabbing Maria's attention. 

"Tequila or Whiskey," She asked, the signature scowl she had for Guerin on her face. 

Michael gave a sarcastic smile back, "One beer, I've got work," He said, winking at her.

She laughed, sliding the beer towards Guerin, "Oh drinking on the job, remind me to never take my car to you," She said, wiping down the bar in front of him.

Michael took a sip, "So I see Manes is back in town," He tried to say casually, keeping his eyes focused on the bottles behind her. Michael flicked his eyes to Maria, she sighed giving a small nod. Michael frowned, "You don't seem that excited I thought you two were best friends or something?" Michael _hated_ having to act like Alex was just some guy he went to high school with, having to act like Alex hadn't told him the story of how he met Maria a hundred time.

"We are," She defensively said, before shrugging her shoulders as she continued to work, "I dunno, he just seems...I'm worried-" She stopped wiping down the counter, holding both her hands up, "You know what it's none of your business," She smiled.

Before he could stop himself like the words had a mind of their own he asked, "Is he alright?" there was no hiding the concern in his voice, Maria narrowed her eyes at him, clearly confused as to why Michael would care about Alex. Before she could ask Michael swiped his beer and headed out of the Wild Pony, Michael continued to down his drink before getting into his truck and slamming the door. 

What was wrong with Alex?

Did she just mean his reaction from seeing Michael? Michael shook his head, that wouldn't give Maria cause to worry, so it must be something else- Michael slammed his hands down on the wheel, swearing. 

Alex left, he reminded himself, he took off as soon as he saw Michael. He wasn't interested in always or starting again. Michael shook his head turning the key in the ignition, heading off towards work.

Michael finished fixing the alternator in an old pick up, reaching down and picking up his wrench to work on another part. It had been around 2 hours since Michael had seen Alex at the Wild Pony, and Alex had left his mind for around 3 minutes. 

Alex had left. _Again._

Michale repeated the words to himself in the hope that the warm feeling and quicken heartbeat that had started since he'd seen Alex would disappear; they didn't. Michael turned the wrench, pausing when he heard slot footsteps coming into the lot. Michael cursed under his breath, he was not in the mood to see another customer, Michael wanted to find the closest bottle of whiskey and curl up in his day and watch the days disappear. 

"Michael," The voice said.

Michael's hand halted, halfway through loosening a bolt. Michael placed the wrench down, grabbing a cloth and wiping his hands.

"Alex," Michael breathed. The two just stared at each other, it had been four years since they'd been in the same room, three years since they'd spoken each other's names to each to the others face. Michael looked over Alex, he looked leaner, his hair shorter while he sported a burgundy t-shirt and a black leather jacket, _fuck he looked gorgeous._ "You're back," He said instead, throwing the rag onto the engine fidgeting with his hands in front of him, he clenched his hands by his side to try and steady them.

Alex nodded his head, taking a small step forward, still a great distances between the pair, "Yeah, on leave." Alex took another step forward, nodding towards the pick up "Machanic then?" Michael simply nodded, a small smile on his face, "You were always good at this kind of stuff," Alex breathed, his feet still taking small steps towards Michael.

_"What happened?" Alex asked, jumping out of Michael's car, walking around to the hood of the car where smoke poured out._

_Michael cursed, walking over to the hood and flicking it open. Michael stepped back as the smoke ad steam rose, after a moment Michael leaned over and looked into the hood, "I dunno I think the alternator belt is broken," He said, pulling the broken belt out and throwing it onto the floor._

_"Shit," Alex cursed, running his hands through his hands, "I-I gotta get back before my dad-"_

_Michael turned around and placed his hands on Alex's biceps, running them up and down his arm, "Relax," He said, smiling down at Michael, "I can fix it," He said._

_Alex laughed, raising an eyebrow. "You can?" He teased._

_Michael laughed back, shaking his head. Michael leaned down and caught Alex's lips, smiling against him, "Watch me," He said, going back towards his truck._

_Michael rummaged his hand in the toolbox, wiping his brow on his shoulder. Michael turned the wrench against the bolt, finishing up his work, he could feel Alex's stare on the back of his head, "What?" Michael asked, keeping his eyes down._

_"You look good covered in grease," Alex teased from behind him where he stood._

_Michael smiled to himself, dropping the wrench as he finished. "Oh yeah," He said, turning around to look at Alex, "You know I think you'd look good too," Michael said, holding his hands out as he walked towards Alex._

_Alex shook his head, holding his arms out to protect him, "No, no," Alex laughed quickly moving when Michael tried to placed his hands on his face, "Michael don't-" Alex laughed as Michael wiped the grease on his face, placing a finale smug on Alex's nose._

_Michael wrapped his arms around Alex's waist, "I was right," Michael laughed, looking down at a smiling Alex, "You do look good," Alex wrapped his own arms around Michael's waist, leaning forward to kiss him as the boys stood in the desert._

\--

Michael looked down at the grease that was still on his hands, then at the truck next to him and finally Alex. He stared down at his hands again, Alex just watched him, the heat causing his shirt to stick to him. Alex swallowed hard, _Michael was still so beautiful, maybe even more beautiful._ Alex edged closer, his eyes so entranced by Michael that he didn't notice the piece of metal on the floor, hit foot tumbling over it with a loud clang. Whatever Michael was remembering he was suddenly pulled back out into reality, he gave a sad smile while he leant against the car, shoving his hands into his pocket, "Don't think I'm wasting my life?" Michael said. Alex stopped walking, instinctually taking a few steps back. Alex remembered using those words to Michael over three years ago the guilt of those words still sat heavy in Alex's chest.

"Do you like doing it?" Alex asked, this time not taking any steps.

"Yeah, it's alright," Michael shrugged.

Alex gave a small smile, "then no I don't think you're wasting your life," When Alex had said those words, he meant Michael fighting and drinking, did Alex think Michael was capable of doing great things, yes but if Michael was happy, that was all he cared about. Michael just stood there, looking at him with cold eyes.

"How'd you know I work here," Michael asked.

Alex looked around the yard, "It's a small town, only had to ask a few people," He said. Alex had spent an hour walking around Roswell after the Wild Pony, he didn't want to go back to his house with Jesse there and he had no one else to see; so he just wandered. 

Alex couldn't get Michael's face out of his mind, what he should have said to him but didn't. Every few blocks Alex pulled his phone out to call Michael but every time he buckled, _what if Michael didn't want to speak to him._

Maria's words about Michael working in the junkyard played over and over in his mind. He knew the junkyard, he'd been there with his father before when he was young. After wandering aimlessly Alex found himself heading here. 

Michael just stood still for a moment, pursing his lips before raising his eyebrow, "Asking about me, that's risky people might work out we know each other," Alex felt a shameful sickness stirring in his stomach. Alex wasn't ashamed of Michael, he was trying to protect him, if people knew, then his father might find out and they had both already seen what his father was capable of. Alex stepped back from Michael, ducking his head, after a moment he rose it to see Michael opening his mouth to say something when a car pulled into the lot, a local couple Alex recognising stepping out of the car. 

Alex ducked his head again, "I'll let you get back to work," he muttered, slowly taking a few steps out of the yard before turning around and walking away. 

Alex walked past the couple that came into the lot, keeping his eyes down. He heard the pair talking with Michael but he couldn't make out the words from the ringing in his ears. He had imagined seeing Michael again in his mind a hundred times, different variations of their conversation and its results; some happy, some angry, but Alex never thought about this scenario. Michael seemed completely indifferent to Alex, like his presences meant nothing to him. He didn't yell or argue, just jabbing comments backed by bitterness. Alex would have prefered if he yelled or screamed, at least that way Alex would have known how Michael felt, would have known it was over, but this, this was somehow worse.

\--

Michael laid under the car, trying to work out why the hell the thing wouldn't run. Normally by now Michael would have called it a day, gone back to his trailer and shut out the world, but right now he didn't want to be alone with his thoughts. He kept playing over Alex's words in his mind, playing over his own. A year ago Michael had told himself he'd wait for Alex but as the months passed, reality weighed heavier on his chest and waiting became harder and harder. When Michael had seen him at the Wild Pony, and they had locked eyes and for a moment Michael felt something in his chest that he thought had burned up in the car reck all those years ago; hope.

Then Alex had left, again and with him, he took that hope. Michael realised that he had just been holding his tool in his hand doing no work. Michael let the tool next to him, his hands falling on his chest. Michael closed his eyes, pushing himself out of the car, maybe if he got hold of some whiskey he wouldn't have to be alone with his mind. He pulled himself up, brushing the dust off his jeans, cleaning his hands on his dirtied white shirt, he turned around to head to his trailer when he stopped. "You're back," Michael said, his voice sounding breathless. 

Alex was stood a few yards away, his hands shoved into his pocket.

"I am," Alex said, his voice sounding more confident this time.

Michael threw his towel down onto the makeshift table next to him, "Your car got a problem," He asked,

Alex frowned, shaking his head, "No," he said.

"Then what you doing here Alex?" Michael snapped, his voice sounding bitter and angry.

Alex took several steps forward, the gap between them now only a few feet. Michael swallowed, he could see Alex's eyes studying his face like his brain was quickly trying to come up with something, "I don't know," He admitted, "I haven't seen you in three years and I-I wanted to," Alex started to ramble. Alex never rambled, _he was nervous,_ Alex shifted on the spot, clearly Michael's lack of response making him apprehensive. Alex opened and closed his mouth as he struggled to find the words he needed. "I-I miss you-"

Michael to shook his head, backing away from Alex quickly. Michael couldn't do this again, Alex had left, and would leave again. "Don't" Michael barked, heading towards his trailer wanting to close Alex out and the hope that was inching its way closer to his heart.

\--

Alex watched as Michael stormed off towards the trailer and panic flared up in his chest, he had come here to make it right, to say what he needed to say. Alex chased after Michael clambering up the stairs reaching out and grabbing Michael wrist, "Wait" He called.

"What do you want Alex," Michael yelled, turning around to reveal just how close they were, their faces inches apart.

"You," The words were out of his mouth quicker than the bullets left his gun. Michael just stared at him, his chest heaving quickly. Without turning away from Alex he pushed open the trailer door, stepping inside.

"Then why'd you run out of the Wild Pony? Michael called and without thinking Alex followed him inside, the door closing behind them. 

Michael walked over to the bed, grabbing a ragged t-shirt and wiping his face, _he was here to be honest,_ "I was scared," He quietly said.

Michael threw the shirt down, giving a small bitter laugh, "Of what? he said with narrowed eyes.

Alex breathed hard, he had spent three years waiting for this. three years of lying in trenches and broken buildings wishing he was with Michael, thinking of everything he would say. Alex gulped, stepping closer to Michael, "Of finding out that I spent the last three years thinking of you and you had moved on," It was a thought that never left his mind, Alex had promised always, but Michael hadn't. "Finding out you didn't want to see me, or you hated me," Another thought that consumed his mind. Alex wouldn't blame Michael for hating him, after everything thing that had happened, everything Jesse had done to Michael. 

Michael's shoulders slumped as he reached up and ran his hand through his hair, "I don't hate you, Alex," He softly said, a small smile on his face, "I never could," 

Alex felt his own smile growing as they stood in the trailer. Alex became acutely aware that the trailer he was standing in belonged to Michael, if the way Michael acted in it didn't show him that, the empty beer bottles and engineering books scattered around did. Alex glanced around the trailer and then back at Michael.

Alex felt a chill run down his spine, his breath being stopped in his throat. Alex slowly stepped forward, his eyes narrowed as he looked at the pictures pinned between the window and the trailer wall. Alex didn't need to get any closer to know what it was, he had stared at that photo for hours. Yet, Alex continued to walk forward, moving pass Michael to reach out and carefully peel it free, staring down at it. Greg had told Alex he had given Michael the envelope but he never knew if he opened it, if he kept what was inside.

He did. 

Alex smiled down at the image of the pair three years ago. They looked so different, yet Alex knew the love he had for Michael then, was the same he had now. Alex brought his head up, a small tear running down his face, "You still have it," He whispered, his body almost pressed up against Michael as they stood in the confined space.

\--

Michael watched as Alex flicked his eyes from Michael to the picture, his thumb moving across their faces as Michael's did. Alex no longer looked like the hardened soldier that had turned up earlier, his lip quivering and small tears fell from his eyes as he looked at the pair in the picture. 

_Fuck._

Michael reached out his hand, brushing one of the tears away. Alex looked up, his eyes glassy and _so god damn beautiful._ Michael had spent the day convincing himself he didn't need this anymore, didn't want this but he was wrong, he would never not want Alex. Michael let his hand linger on Alex's cheek, gently brushing the skin "Always," He whispered.

Neither of them moved, both their eyes moving from looking at each other to their lips. They were so close that only one of them had to move for something to happen. Michael moved his hand from Alex's cheek down to the side of his neck, wrapping around the back.

Alex moved his head forward an inch and Michael followed suit, yet somehow it was not enough. Before he had time to think about Alex leaving, or whether this was a good idea Michael quickly closed the gap between the pair. Michael pressed his lips swiftly against Alex's lips, wrapping his other hand around his waist. Alex melted into the kiss, reaching up with his hands to grab at Michael's shirt. Michael stipped Alex's jacket off, throwing it onto the table across the trailer. Alex moved his hands down to the hem of Michael's shirt pulling it off and dropping it to the ground. Alex trailed kisses across Michael's chest as Michael fought to pull Alex's shirt off too. The boys stumbled and staggered in the small space, Michael walking forward to the bed till Alex's legs connected with it, both the boys sinking down onto it.

\--

Michael ran his hand through Alex's hair as his head laid on his chest. The streamer was hot, the light that once filled it starting to dim. Alex trailed his fingers across Michael's chest, running them down to his stomach and then by his thigh. Michael hummed in pleasure and Alex pulled his hand away, looking up at Michael.

"That didn't mean stop," Michael smiled, leaning down to catch Alex's lips, this time Alex humming against them, "So I didn't get to ask," Michael said as he pulled away, "What do you think of my trailer," Michael asked.

Alex pushed himself up in the bed, looking around the trailer. Alex slumped back down in the bed, "It's very you," He smiled.

Michael lay next to him, his hand snaking around Alex's waist, "You know people keep saying that," He smiled.

"It's comfier than your truck and it has a roof," Alex continued, turning around to face Michael.

"And coffee," Michael said, "You want some?" He asked. Alex nodded his head, sitting up to rest his back against the counter by the head of the bed. Michael gave Alex another kiss, reaching down to grab his boxers and slipping them on as he walked over to the stove. Michael grabbed two cups, going about making coffee. As the water heater, Michael just watched Alex, he was looking around the trailer, a shy smile on his face as he did. Michael had pictured Alex in his bed a hundred times and now he was, the sheet gathered around his waist his hair ruffled perfectly. The trailer had never felt like home, till this moment. 

\--

Alex watched as Michael brought the coffee's over, slipping back into the bed as he passed Alex his drink. Alex shifted so his back was pressed against the window, the cool glass making his body shiver for a moment. Alex stretched his legs across Michael's, the pair sat in silences as they sipped their drinks. It felt like nothing changed, like they'd been 17 in Michael's truck and blinked and here they were. It felt so normal, so safe something Alex hadn't felt in years. Alex stared down at the coffee, the corners of his lips tugging upwards, "What?" Michael asked, clearly having been watching Alex.

Alex just smiled at Michael, reached out with his free hand too entwine it with Michael when he stopped. The hand had healed, but the scaring around the knuckles were a stark reminder of what was one there. Just like that, the warm safe air of the trailer turned cold.

"It doesn't hurt, it's fine," Michael quietly said, flexing his hand before taking Alex's in his. Alex could feel their safe small world starting to crumble, reminders of the outside world creeping in. Alex pulled his eyes away and noticed it was now Michael who wore the concerned face, Alex followed his eye line and glanced down to a small scar on his shoulder. And just like that, the safe little world they had created, tucked away from the realities of their actual life was shattered. Alex wrapped his hands tighter around the cup, "Bullet wound," he quietly said.

Michael kept his eyes on Alex, moving his hand and placing the cup behind him, Michael shuffled forward, entwining their legs even more, "You got shot?" Michael asked, his low as he reached out to trace the scar.

"It was a through and through, nothing major," Alex said, feeling himself tense as Michael's fingers brushed over the injury. Michael looked up at Alex, his hand still resting on his chest. The mention of the scar changed the atmosphere in the trailer, as the unspoken truth hung heavy in the air, "I have to go back," Alex quietly said. Over that last few hours, they had managed to avoid talking about Alex's deployment but it could no longer be pushed outside like the rest of the world.

Michael pulled his hand back from Alex, "How long are you here for?" He asked.

"Just under a month," Alex sighed.

Michael nodded, moving back in the bed before spilling out, "Then you leave," He said.

Alex shifted forward on the bed but Michael had moved across the trailer, grabbing a cream sweater and torn jeans from the table. 

Alex said, reaching out and running a hand through his hair, "I'm sorry,"

Michael slipped the new clothes on, giving a small laugh that had no joy in it, "I'm used to it," He quietly said, quiet enough that Alex wasn't sure if he was meant to hear it.

Alex quickly reached down and slipped his boxers, on pulling his jeans on quickly, heading over to where Michael was stood, "This doesn't have to be like last time," He said, Michael frowning as he made more coffee, his eyes never meeting Alex's, "I leave and then we don't speak for years, I have a phone and get leave a couple of times a year-"

Michael spun around to look at Alex, leaning back against the counter behind him, "What are you saying," He asked.

 _What was Alex asking?_ Alex took in a large breath, holding it in his lungs for a moment before slowly releasing it, "I can't stay-" Michael went to turn away from him again but Alex reached out, grabbing his elbow and spinning him round to face him, "-but I don't wanna stop being with you, even if it's only a few times a year," Alex knew what he was offering was not a lot, or what Michael deserved but it was all he had, and Alex would take 2 months with Michael over nothing at all, "And when my enlistment is over then..." Alex trailed off.

Michael pushed himself off the counter, his body close to Alex, "Then what," He asked, having long forgotten the coffee behind him.

Alex didn't have a plan for after his enlistment, he had another three years and had never thought past just staying alive day to day. But, the few times he did picture himself not at war, he pictures himself with Michael. "Well, we always talked about leaving Roswell." He smiled.

Michael gave a small laugh, more of a puff of air but it was enough, Michael looked as if he was about to smile but he stopped himself, his head cocking to the side, "How long do you have left," He asked.

Alex swallowed, looking down at the floor, "three years," He said. three years hadn't sounded long before, but right now, as he stared at Michael, it felt like an eternity.

\--

Michael just nodded, _three years._ So Alex had enlisted for six years. Michael flicked his eyes back up at Alex, who was carefully watching him, trying to work out how he felt. His eyes found the bullet wound and the sick feeling that had appeared in his stomach the first time he saw it increased. If that had happened in three years, what else could happen in another three. Alex wanted to be with him, he kept telling himself that, he should be happy, thrilled that's all he wanted. But Alex would be overseas, Michael knew it was hard for soldiers to get leave, even harder to be able to plan when. Yet, Michael didn't care, he would be able to talk to Alex, see him, touch him and yeah maybe it would only be for a few months but eventually, if he waited, Alex would be finished with the army and they could start again, _really start again._ Michael ignored the thought that reminded him of his promise to stay in Roswell with Max to watch over Isobel, right now he couldn't think about that, right now he was just thinking about Alex.

Michael smiled, reaching out and taking Alex's hand, pulling him a little closer, "Guess I'll have to update my phone plan to include international calls then," Michael teased, his smile growing. Alex let out a relieved breath, stepping closer to Michael, almost pinning him against the counter. Michael leaned forward kissing him.

Alex moved his hand to Michael's waist, his lips hovering just above Michaels, "So you wanna finish making that coffee or wanna finish what we were doing over there," he said, nodding towards the bed. Michael raised an eyebrow, grinning as he took Alex's hand and lead him to the bed. Michael knew they were on a clock, Alex had to go back but right now Michael didn't care about that, he only cared about the beautiful boy in front of him and the moment they had right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed, gosh it was so nice to write the boys back together again!


	21. We didn't lose, but we didn't win.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a rough day, Alex calls Michael, but the pair quickly realise that going back to what they were isn't as simple as it seemed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a longgg chapter I'm so sorry guys 😂 Having each chapter be a snapshot a year means we've got a lottt of content to fit in! Anyway hope you guys enjoy and thank you for your continued support!

> **February 2013**

Alex sat on the rickety chair, staring at the screen ahead. Alex had read and reread the orders over and over before switching to look at the intel he had gathered. _What did he miss?_ Alex gave a large sigh, his whole chest aching and twining as he did. Alex closed the file on his computer, running his hands through his hair, his hands coming to rest on the back of his neck. 

Alex pulled open the drawn next to him, slipping the photograph out and looking down at it. Normally looking at the photo of 17-year-old Michael and Alex made him smile but not today. Part of Alex wished he could go back to then, but then he'd hear the hammer hitting the table of the shed and he wasn't so sure. 

After leaving Michael a year ago, Alex hadn't gotten the chance to get leave due to being deployed to Iraq. Unlike the first time, they had spoken on the phone and kept in contact. Alex wasn't quite sure what they were, after his declaration of wanting to still see Michael, they had spent Alex's month at home wrapped up in each other whenever they got the chance. During the month they avoid talking about Alex having to leave, when Alex's last day finally came, neither spoke about it and Alex left Michael's trailer like he had every night except this time he didn't return the next morning. Alex placed the photo back down on the table, pressing his fingers against his temples hoping it would make the headache go away; it didn't.

Alex heard a light knock on the door before it was pushed open. Alex flicked his eyes up to the monitor, seeing TJ in the reflection. Alex sighed, leaning back in his chair, "If you're here to tell me to go to the infirmary, don't" He directed. 

TJ shut the door, stepping into the room with his hands shoved into his pocket. "You got shot," He plainly said, standing behind Alex.

He didn't need to be reminded, the pain on in his shoulder was enough. "It's a graze," He said, his voice monotone. Alex flicked his eyes down at the file before him, he'd spend weeks compiling the intel, speaking to sources, hacking databases and yet, it had helped no one. 

"You can't keep doing this to yourself Alex," TJ quietly said, coming to lean on the desk next to Alex. 

Alex spun his chair to the side to look at TJ, he looked rough, his face covered in cuts and scraps much like Alex's. Alex raised his eyebrow, "What about last month when you busted your ribs and refused to go-"

TJ shook his head, pulling himself up to sit on the desk, clasping his hands in his lap, "That's not what I'm talking about," He said. Alex sighed again, he wasn't in the mood for this today, "You can't keep blaming yourself for what happens out there, you can't blame yourself every time you lose someone-"

"I'm their captain," Alex interrupted, his voice raised, "I'm responsible for what happens," He said.

TJ gave a scoff, "Yeah responsible for looking after them, which you do, you're the best goddam captain here Alex," he said, a small smile on his face.

Alex spun his chair back to the blank screen, flicking the file beneath him and pushing it to the side, "Then why do they keep dying," he quietly said.

"Because we're at war," TJ simply said, "What did you think would happen when you signed up," Alex had no answer to that. He knew what war was, his brothers had told him about it, his father had equipped him for it but he never really _thought_ about it. At the time he just wanted to escape Roswell, his father and Michael.

Alex swayed his head side to side, "Honestly I didn't think about it," He admitted. TJ frowned and he couldn't blame him for the confusion, joining the army for 6 years was something normal people thought about it. TJ leaned forward, his face serious, "What happened today, wasn't your fault," He said, emphasising the last three words.

But the emphasising made no differences, "I should have been more prepared," Alex said, pushing his chair back and standing up.

TK laughed, "How?" He said, waving his arms to the side, "How could you have-"

"I should have been better," Alex yelled, his breathing quick, "We're constantly losing people," Alex continued. He reached up and rubbed his forehead, "and are we even making a difference," He said. 

"What?" TJ asked.

Alex let his hands fall to the side, before motioning around them, "What are we doing here?" He called.

TJ slipped off the desk, his brows pulled together, "Protecting innocent people-"

Alex scoffed, "Oh, you mean like the 5 innocent people that died today?" As soon as the words left his lips, the images of the broken bodies filled his mind, the screams. "We didn't protect them did we?" Alex asked.

TJ shook his head, "That wasn't us,"

Alex sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose "I'm tired of losing battles," He said, "Of not being able to protect people," Alex had left Roswell because he couldn't protect himself or the people he cared about, he thought it would be different here. Alex walked back over to his seat, slumping down in it and ignoring the pain that overcame him. "How long have you got left of your enlistment?" Alex asked.

TJ walked back over, sitting in the seat next to Alex, "Uhh 2 years, like you,"

Alex briefly nodded, "What you going to do after?"

TJ smiled, and Alex knew what he was going to say "Go home, be with Frankie," It was a smile he only wore for her, "Have a normal life," He said. Alex wasn't even sure he knew how to have a 'normal life' any more. Every time he went back to Roswell it felt harder and harder to adjust, to settle back in, Alex feared that maybe one day he just wouldn't. 

"I'm glad," Alex smiled, "You don't belong here," He continued.

TJ laughed, "You saying I'm a bad soldier," he said, one eyebrow raised.

Alex gave a small smile back, " _I'm saying_ , you deserve to have a normal life, be with Frankie, have a family," TJ's face became serious for a moment as he nodded at Alex.

"What about you?" He asked.

If TJ would have asked Alex that question before he saw Michael last year he would have told him he'd reenlist, that the airforce was his life but Michael and Alex's conversation played over in his head, they could leave Roswell, finally try and get it right without the shadow of Roswell and Jesse Manes above them. Alex felt a small smile twitch on his lips, "I'd go home," Alex finally said. 

TJ cocked his head to the side, "I thought you couldn't go home anymore," He asked.

Alex nodded, the small smile still on his face, "Well turns out your advice about needing space and time proved right,"

"So home is a person, not a place?" TJ asked a grin on his lips.

Alex nodded resting his head back against the chair. Roswell was never home, the only time it ever felt like it was was because of Michael. "Is he home?" TJ finally said. Alex slowly pulled his head up locking eyes with TJ, the boy nodded his head towards the picture of Alex and Michael that was still on the table. Alex's eyes went wide as he sat up straight, trying to swallow the fear that rose in his throat like bile. 

TJ kept his eyes on the photo, a shy smile on his face, "You smile at that photo like you smile at no one else, it's like how I smile at Frankie's picture," He said. Alex could hear his heart beating in his ears, his breathing quick and sharp. Alex hadn't told anyone here about Michael, let alone the fact he was gay. He told himself it was because he was a private person and it wasn't their business but there was a fear inside his chest, curiosity of Jesse Manes, that never left, a quiet shame that wormed its way in and never quite left.

Alex could deny it, tell him Michael was a friend and order him out of his office. Alex bit his lip, looking at TJ. They'd known each other for four years, and there was no one here Alex trusted more. Alex had some friends here, it was impossible not to, but TJ, he had become like a brother. 

Alex reached out and took the photo in his hands, his smiling growing as he looked at it. "Yeah," He finally said. 

TJ smiled back, "What's his name?" He asked.

"Michael," Alex said, the smile growing even more, like it always did when he thought of Michael.

"How'd you guys meet?" TJ asked.

That was a complicated story, "High school," Alex said, deciding to go for the much short less complicated tale of Michael and Alex.

"High school sweethearts? Love that," TJ laughed. Alex placed the photo back down on the table. TJ glanced his eyes over at it and then back at Alex, "Gotta say, you rock the nose ring and eyeliner look," Alex cocked an eyebrow at TJ, there was no animosity in his voice, or judgment, "You going to bust out the guitar for us any time soon?" He asked, and Alex laughs, shaking his head.

"Unfortunately it didn't make it on my list of essential supplies," He said.

TJ nodded, "Well two things have now got to happen," He stared, "One, I've got to hear you play that guitar," He said, earning another laugh from Alex.

"And the second," Alex asked.

"I've got to meet Michael," TJ said, like it was obvious. "Next time I get leave me and Frankie can come to Roswell, we can all go on a cute little double date, see you cut loose" Alex didn't laugh at that. Instead, a sad smile came across his lips. "What?" TJ asked, clearly noticing.

"We're not exactly..." _Together?_ Alex thought, were they? After he had left Roswell last year Michael and Alex hadn't spoken about what they were. "Public," Alex decided to go with. 

TJ frowned. Alex sighed, he wondered if it would always be this complicated to talk about Michael. "My dad he uh..." Alex shifted uncomfortably on his chair, "Doesn't exactly approve," He said.

TJ threw his arms to the side, "So screw him, it's your life," Alex gave a small smile at that, but it soon faded as Alex remembered the last time he went against his father's wishes.

"It's not that simple," Alex quietly said.

"Your oversea's, what's he going to do about it?" He asked. 

Alex kept still in his chair, his fingers nervously playing with the hem of shirt uniform, "I told you my dad's in the army right?" Alex said, TJ nodded, most of the men knew who Jesse Manes was. "Well, he applies his work ethics to home life as well," TJ frowned, his arms coming to rest on the side of the chair. "If he considers someone the enemy then...he has no qualms about putting them down," The words were a terrifying truth that Alex never quite forgot. "I may be safe here but Michael..." Alex trailed off. Michael being left in Roswell with Jesse never escaped Alex's mind. Michael had become reckless by the time Alex had left, and he had made it clear what he would do if he saw Jesse. 

TJ leaned forward on his knee's his head cocked to the side "You really think he'd hurt him if he found out you two were together?" He asked, his eyes narrowed. Alex could understand why TJ didn't believe him, Jesse Manes was a well-respected member of the airforce, he was seen as tough but fair. 

Alex thought about changing the subject, or just saying yes, that would be the simplest way, the easiest. He looked back up at TJ, the kid had saved Alex's life more than one time, and all he wanted was to know more about Alex, he never pushed or forced him to talk. Alex sighed, settling back in his chair.

"He caught us once," He quietly said, his voice almost a whisper. He knew Jesse wasn't here and they were in a secure room alone but Alex couldn't help it. Some part of him deep down was always wary of his father's violence. TJ leaned closer on his chair, his face softer. "We were 17 and Michael had been staying in our shed," Alex remembers that day so clear but sometimes he forgets he was only 17 when it happened, they were both kids who had already suffered so much.

Alex glanced down at the floor, shaking his head, "He was so angry, he uh pinned me to the wall by my throat and Michael-" Alex paused, his breath getting caught in his throat like his father's hands were still wrapped around them. Alex's bit his lip. Since the shed had happened Alex had pushed that memory as far back as he could, burying it under anything. This was the first time he was purposely bringing it back to the surface, and Alex was suddenly reminded why he kept it pushed so far down, "Michael tried to help me," Alex sadly smiled, remembering how Michael had screamed at Jesse, trying to shove him away. 17-year-old Michael who had survived shitty foster home's and yet who was willing to put himself in danger, "My dad grabbed him and picked up this hammer and-" Alex couldn't finish the sentence, there were no words to describe what came next, just the thudding of the hammer in his mind.

Alex often wondered what would have happened if Michael hadn't intervened, or if only one of them was in the shed. When they were together afterwards, a part of Alex's mind was always thinking about what would happen if Jesse caught them again, and it always reached the same conclusion.

"Honestly," Alex breathed, finally looking up at TJ who looked several shades paler, "I think he'd kill us both," Alex admitted. It was something Alex had always known his father was capable of, but admitting it, that hurt a different kind of way, a way Alex hadn't quite been prepared for.

TJ just blinked, his throat bobbing as he swallowed. "Fuck," He breathed, shaking his head as he leant back on the chair "I'm...that's..." He trailed off, looking back up at Alex, "Fuck," he repeated.

"Yeah, fuck" Alex said, finding it the only word, to sum up what had happened.

TJ still looked pale, part of Alex was surprised they had seen far worst things at war, _done worse,_ Alex thought. TJ leaned forward on his knee's "We'll your dads not here now so why don't you give Michael a call, seems like you could use it," He smiled.

Alex wanted to, but his life here and his life with Michael; whatever that was, he wanted to keep them apart, didn't want to taint what he had with Michael, "I've got reports to fill out," Alex sighed, a sick feeling pooling in his stomach as Alex had to work out how to sum up's today's events in a nice neat package for his report _and_ come up with a strategy for tomorrow.

"You mean these?" TJ said, leaning forward to pick up the paperwork on the desk, "I'm sure you can spare an hour or so," He said.

"This job doesn't allow for a spare hour," Alex said.

TJ stood, the files still clasped in his hand as he patted them against Alex's arm, "Guess I'll just have to start them," He smiled. TJ probably could complete the reports, knowing more information about the mission than the other soldiers did. TJ had quickly become Alex's second in command, his right-hand man.

"That's against the rules," Alex said, standing from his chair. 

"You can court marshal me tomorrow," He smirked, giving Alex a wink, "Make your call," He said as he started to head for the door.

"TJ," Alex called, rocking on the heels of his feet for a moment, "Thank you," He said. 

For understanding.

For helping me.

For being a friend.

Alex could go on, instead, Alex just smiled "Thank you," He repeated, letting some more emotion in his voice this time.

TJ smiled back, giving a mock salute as he left, "Anytime Captain," Just like that Alex was left alone in the room again. He slumped down in the chair, spinning it from side to side. Alex reached out and took the picture of Alex and Michael, sighing as he looked down at it.

Michael used to be the person he called when he was upset, hurt, happy but now...Even after their conversation, Alex wasn't quite sure where they stood, they weren't what they were before, but they were more than what they were a year ago. Alex dropped the photo on the desk, picking up his phone instead, staring down at the screen. 

Michael sat in the booth at the pony, Isobel across from him. She was telling him about her boyfriend Noah; their dates, their plans, a wide smile across her face for the first time in a while. Michael sipped on his beer as she continued her story.

"Sorry I know you didn't come here to listen to my amazing love life," She joked, siping on the whiskey in front of her. 

Michael gave his sister a soft smile, "It's alright," he sighed, "it's nice seeing you happy," It was, after everything that had happened with Rosa, Isobel was never the same, even though she didn't know the truth, it was like some part of her did deep down. Isobel started another story, and Michael let his mind wander, Isobel told these stories less for Michael's genuine reaction or thoughts but to relive them, to feel _normal_ . While she spoke Michael couldn't help but think of his own love life, Michael scoffed internally, love life was not the words Michael would use to describe what he and Alex had. After their conversation last year, they had spent the month together ignoring Alex's impending leave, throughout the year they had kept in contact unlike the first time he'd left but it wasn't what they had before, Michael guessed they had a lot of work to do before they were _that_ again. Michael's feelings for Alex had not changed over the years, but he had and so had Alex. 

During his visit last year Michael could already tell Alex was changing, sometimes looking off into the distances for a while, a dark and heavy glaze across his eyes. He'd seen it before, the first time Alex ran into the shed when they were kids; bruises on his face and body, he was remembering something painful, something _wrong._

Michael felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, reaching in to grab it while still part listening to his sister. Michael glanced down at the name. 

"I gotta take this," Michael muttered, quickly getting up from the both and moving towards the main door. He could hear Isbole calling something but he just called back, "Get another round, I'll be back," Michael clicked answer as he stepped out into the parking lot, the cool air settling over him. 

"Hey, wasn't expecting to hear from you," Michael breathed. They didn't have a schedule but it was unusual for Alex to ring on weekdays without warning.

"Yeah, I know," Alex breathed.

Michael stopped walking, in those three words Michael could tell something was wrong, "You alright?" He asked.

The entrance to the pony opened and the noise from inside poured out into the open, he heard Alex curse on the other end of the phone, "Shit, you're busy, um I'll call tomor-"

Michael quickly walked away from the door, "No, no it's fine, I'm just at the Pony, that doesn't really count as being busy," He said. Once he got far enough Michael stopped walking, scuffing his boots across the floor, "What's up," he asked.

"Hows the Pony?" Alex said. 

Michael frowned, _something was definitely wrong,_ Alex would normally give some bullshit answer if he was upset, claim he was fine, but if he was straight out ignoring the question.

"Busy," Michael said, if Alex didn't want to talk about himself right now then he didn't have to, "Maria's really turned it around," He said.

"How is Maria," Alex asked, sounding a fraction more relaxed. 

Michael weighed his options. He didn't know Maria too well but he knew enough from overhearing and locals to know her mom was in bad shape and only getting worse. Maybe Alex knew that, he knew the pair spoke occasionally. "She's good," Michael said, not wanting to add to whatever was troubling Alex tonight, "Pleased with the bar, and I gotta say it is pretty good," Michael admitted, "I mean Isobel hates it but she hates everything so," 

"How is Isobel?" Alex asked.

"You really wanna talk about Isobel?" Michael found himself asking, his brow raised even though Alex couldn't see.

He heard Alex sigh on the other end, then silence for a while, "I wanna talk about anything that isn't what happened here today," Michael could tell that Alex was working hard at keeping a lid on his emotions, his voice cracking a few times. 

Michael nodded, sitting down on the curb as he spoke to Alex, "She's still dating Noah, they've got a place together, not as nice as my trailer but ya know," He joked.

"That's great, I'm glad she's happy," Alex said. "What about you? Anything else going on,"

Michael's life in Roswell was pretty stagnated. The only thing that changed was what bar he ended up at and what he was drinking, "Nope, Roswell's Roswell, nothing changes," He deflected. 

There was silence again, Michael looked down at the dirt, "Should I even ask how you're doing," He said.

Michael could practically hear Alex thinking, weighing up the pros and cons of talking to Michael. "We got ambushed today," He finally said.

Michael pulled himself up from a sitting position, his body feeling agitated, "Are you okay? You hurt?" He said, stumbling over his words in a panic.

A pause. 

An at most four-second pause, but in those four seconds Michael's mind managed to conjure the worst-case scenarios.

"I'm fine," Alex breathed. The pause was long enough to suggest that some thought went into the comment, like whether Alex should lie or tell the truth.

"Don't like that pause," Michael asked.

"Just scaps and bruises," Alex admitted, but even then it didn't feel like the truth. Michael went to push but instead, he just sighed. He didn't know when this became them, telling half-truths and the other just accepting it.

"What happened Alex," Micheal finally asked. 

Silence again. Michael remembered the times where Alex would just talk, he knew that Alex had grown used to thinking over his words carefully but he never did that with Michael. "War," Alex finally said.

Michael knew he should ask more question, try to talk about it but instead he just stood there. A selfish part of him didn't want to know what happened over there, that way he could pretend Alex was safe and not in constant danger. "But only two more years right," Alex said with a small laugh, more of a huff of air but something.

"So what's your plan for after you finish," Michael asked, what he really wanted to ask was what are _we_ after you finish but Michael wasn't sure he wanted the answer to that.

"Job in music, apartment or house that is far from a military base," Alex said, and even though he couldn't see him, Michael could tell there was a smile on his face and Michael felt his own grow at the thought of that. "What about you," Alex asked.

Michael hadn't thought about his future, but when he was speaking to Alex it became that much easier to picture one where he was happy. "House, a job in engineering," Michael smiled, sitting back down on the curb. A few years ago there was the word agriculture in front of engineering but that dream had long since died, burned up in Rosa car. "What about a dog," Alex asked, pulling Michael out of his thoughts.

"A dog," Michael laughed, "hm what kind?" He asked but he didn't care what kind, just picturing Alex and Michael together with a dog was close enough to perfection for Michael.

Alex laughed, and Michael _wished_ he could see his face, the way the corners of his eyes creased when he did, "Beagle?" Alex said.

Michael nodded, gently rubbing his chin, "I can live with that," Michael smirked. "But whos going to walk it if your out making music and I'm working," Michael said, neither of them had said their plans included the other but like a lot of things between them, it was unspoken.

"I can work from home," Alex said. Michael couldn't help but see the image unfurling in his mind, smiling on the curb as the sun began to set around him.

"True," Michael smiled.

"We gotta have a garden thought" Alex continued, and the heaviness and sadness from his voice had drifted away, sounding like his 17-year-old self again.

"Of course, where would the dogs play" Michael joked and he heard Alex laughed again on the other end. Michael went to continue their life when he heard a knock through the phone, Alex instantly stopped laughing.

"Shit hold on," Alex whispered and it sounded like he moved the phone to his lap.

 _"Enter,_ " Alex called and even though his voice was muffled Michael could hear the change in tone. His voice was serious and stern, no longer that 17-year-old boy.

 _"Captain,"_ A voice said, a door closing in the background, _"They found Marcus,"_ The voice sighed. Michael held the phone closer to his ear, he knew he should move it away, this was Alex's army life, a life he wasn't a part of, one he didn't want to be apart of.

_"And?" Alex asked sharply._

_"Unfortunately, he was DOA, so was Kay,"_ DOA; dead on arrival. Michael tensed, he definitely shouldn't be listening to this conversation, but he still didn't move the phone.

 _"Fuck"_ Alex groaned, and Michael wondered if the person on the other end knew how hard Alex was working to keep his emotions reigned in or if Michael could only tell that from seeing Alex do it so many times.

 _"That makes eight confirmed dead including Marcus and Kay and three still missing Geroge, Rowan, Casandra."_ A sickness pooled in Michael's stomach, 8 dead. That's why Alex had called, why he had wanted to forget about his day; he'd lost people. Michael couldn't help but feel a lump grow in his throat, Michaels flimsy dream that Alex was away from the danger slowly being torn away.

There was silence and Michael wondered if Alex had hung up but then there was a long breath, _"Alright,"_ Alex said, his voice completely monotone, any hint of emotion tucked away somewhere; _that wasn't Alex. "Prepare a search and rescue team, double patrols around the area tonight and Get TJ to come to see me now!"_ As Alex listed his commands, Michael struggled to recognise him, his voice, he sounded so different, he sounded like Jesse-Michael wanted to curse himself for making the comparison, the two were _nothing_ alike. Maybe this is just how soldiers spoke, but Michael didn't want Alex to be a soldier.

He heard shuffling on the other end and then a new voice, louder this time like it was closer to Alex, _"I thought you might want to see me," The voice said._

 _"TJ,"_ Alex breathed, he sounded relieved like the mere presences of the man was enough to calm Alex, _"I-I need those reports back I've-"_ Alex was stumbling over his words, the facade he had been wearing throughout that conversation slipping as he spoke this TJ. Whoever the boy was, Alex clearly trusted him if he was letting his guard down. Michael knew the jealous that was worming its way into his heart was selfish and stupid, he should be glad that Alex had someone. Even though Alex wasn't speaking, he could hear the boy getting worked up, the way his breathing as quickening and the shuffling around the room increased, Michael wasn't even sure Alex remembered Michael was there. Michael wanted to say something, to comfort Alex, his hands wanting to reach out and wrap the boy up in his arms.

" _Hey hey look at me,_ " TJ said, his voice growing louder, even closer to Alex, " _I know nothing I say can change what happened today but, It wasn't your fault,_ " He assured, " _Look these reports, do them in an hour alright_ ," He said and Michael could hear the sound of paper hitting the desk, " _Let's get outta this room, get some air grab a fucking drink or something, be 21-year-olds for an hour before..._ " He trailed off. 

21-year-olds.

That's all they were, and yet Michael was sat on the floor after spending the day blurring his mind with whiskey listening to Alex mourn the loss of eight teammates. " _Come on,_ " TJ whispered and the jealously snaked around Michael's heart tighter. He heard more shuffling and then the TJ guy telling Alex's he'd wait outside, he heard a door close and then silence again.

The phone moved and Michael was sure Alex was holding it to his ear again. 

Neither spoke. 

A few minutes ago they had planned their life together, their safe, normal life. But that wasn't their reality. Michael wished he could comfort Alex as TJ had, be able to say all the right things.

But a thought had crept into his mind, one that had started last year and was now finally reaching the light.

Alex never wanted to join the military, not until he started seeing Michael, not until they started fighting. He had told himself it was Jesse's fault, that he was why Alec left. But Jesse had been pressuring Alex to join the air force long before Michael was there. Then during their fight, Michael had told Alex to leave, had been in jail when he'd tried to talk to him, maybe he could have convinced him to stay. 9

Michael clenched his hand, ignoring the pain the shot up his arm. The reality wasn't a house with a garden, dogs and jobs they both loved, but blackouts, dead bodies and the realisation that Alex's current state was Michael's doing. 

Michael clenched his jaw, the sparks of energy flickering in his body. 

Then the phone clicked. 

Silence on the other end, no static, or movement. 

Alex had hung up. 

Michael pulled the phone from his face, looking down at it. _He should have said something._ But he didn't and now it was too late.

Maybe that was the story of Alex and Michael; half-truths, should have and what if's. Michael pulled himself off of the ground, shoving his phone into his pocket as he walked back into the pony.

Before he could even slide back into the booth Isobel yelled, "You just left me here!" 

"I had to take it," Michael sighed, finishing his beer and starting on the next round Isobel had bought.

She scoffed, "And who was so important you left your only sister in this bar," She asked, casting a judgemental eye around the place. Michael took another sip, almost downing half his beer in one go, "What's wrong," Isobel asked, her voice more serious this time.

"Do you think you can really have a normal life with Noah," Michael asked, his head cocked to the side.

"What," Isobel asked, leaning back in her seat, her brows raised.

"I mean, were aliens as much as you like to pretend we're not, that isn't changing," He quietly said, watching as Isobel glanced around to make sure no one was listening. He leaned over the table closer to her, "We've done bad things is-

"I know," She snapped, _but she didn't know everything._ She didn't have the image or her hand wrapped around Rosa Ortecho's neck, their bodies on the floor, she hadn't been the one stared started that fire.

Michael slumped back in his seat, pulling his hat off and laying it next to him. "What if we just don't work with humans what if we just end up screwing up their lives," He said.

 _Eight confirmed dead,_ the words still played over in Michael's mind, the pain and anguish as Alex spoke to TJ. H _e had done that._

"What the hell happened out there," Isobel asked, the frown not moving from her face.

Michael gave a bitter laugh, "I stepped out of your little fantasy long enough to see reality," The frown slipped from Isobel's face and was replaced with watery eyes and a trembling lip, "Every human we have _ever_ interacted with has gotten hurt,"

Rosa.

Liz.

Alex.

All of there lives changed forward, either being taken away or morphed into something unrecognisable. "What if that's just the way it is, what if Noah is no different and you end up hurting him or destroying his life,"

Isobel sat in stunned silence, trying to hold back the tears that clung to the waterline of her eyes. She quickly grabbed the long coat next to her, gathering it in her arms. "Alright, I don't know what happened out there but I'm not about to sit here and let you take it out on me," She snapped, pushing herself out from the table and storming out of the bar.

A twinge of guilt flickered in Michael's chest, but it was overshadowed by the pain and guilt roaring in his mind and heart. Michael reached across the table and grabbed Isobel's whiskey, finishing all in one hoping it would calm his heart and mind.

It didn't.

Michael stood from the booth, wandering over to the bar. If he couldn't clam them, then he sure as hell would numb them.

Alex stood next to TJ just outside the base, their backs leaning against the wall. The air was warm, the wind that swept across Alex's face did little to cool him.

TJ blew smoke out of his lips as it was carried off by the wind. Most of the soldiers took up smoking, a way to calm and steady nerves, Alex had always stayed away from it. "How was talking to Michael," TJ asked. 

Alex scuffed his shoes across the sand and dirt. Their conversation had been short but that wasn't a surprise, it normally was. Alex gave a soft smile as he thought about their short conversation about their lives after all of this. A house, a dog, a garden. It was a dream that was two years away from even being possible, and even then Alex knew it was more of a fantasy than a reality.

But it could be a reality, it could be their life. "You wanna stand here in silence then I get it, but I hope you know, you can talk to me," TJ said, dropping the cigarette into the dirt and standing on it.

"We spoke about our lives after this, what we wanted," Alex quietly said, rolling his neck as he looked up at the clouded sky.

"And what's that," TJ asked.

"A house, dog," Alex said, the shy smile reappearing on his face.

TJ laughed, "I can see you with a dog," He said.

"Then Marshall walked in and..." TJ stopped laughing, he turned to face the red-haired man, "After you guys left I went to talk to Michael and I just...I didn't know what to say and he said nothing," Alex always knew what to say to Michael, how to speak to him, back in Roswell he'd tell Michael everything and Michael always made him feel better, that's who they were, until the shed. "Something happened the summer before I came here, Michael changed, because of my dad or something else, maybe both...he never said," Alex sighed, sometimes late at night, or when he was camped out in the trenches he'd think about that summer. Play over all of there conversations, there moments together to try and work out what went wrong. 

Alex could only pinpoint one moment where things changed; the shed. Maybe that had been it, maybe the shed really had truly destroyed everything they were. 

Alex wasn't sure which reality he prefered, the one where the shed; that one single moment had ruined everything or the reality where Michael lied and hid things from Alex and ruined their relationship because he couldn't trust him. "He stopped talking to me, started pushing me away and I fought so hard to help and get him to talk but..." Alex sighed, sometimes he wished he pushed more, tried harder. He was ashamed to admit that on quiet nights, when his mind was lost deep in thought that part of him wished he never tried at all, it might have saved them both a lot of pain and heartbreak, "I lost the battle against my dad, for Michael," Alex walked forward, peering up at the sky but unable to see any of the stars through the clouds, "I wanted to _win_ battles here but I don't seem to be doing that," every day it seemed like the numbers of loses they were suffering increased. 

TJ walked forward crossing his arms over his chest, "Then why don't get go inside and figure out a way to win _this_ battle," TJ encouraged, nodding his head back towards the tent. "Stop thinking about the battle's you've lost and focus on the one you can still win," He said.

Alex thought for a moment. 

He spent so much of his time thinking about the things that were broken, things he couldn't fix. Yet here, he had a chance to do something, to win. Maybe Alex's superiors were right, maybe he needed to stop asking so many questions, stop doubting them and just _win._

Alex turned back towards TJ, "Gather the squad in the main room," He ordered, walking hurriedly towards the door that leads back inside the base. 

"Alright what should I tell them?" TJ asked as the pair quickly walked through the corridor. 

They reached the office Alex had been in earlier, Alex pulling open a drawer and removing piles of intel that had been gathered, "Tell them there captain needs them, were done playing defence," Alex said, slipping the folders under his arms. Alex looked back down at the table, the photo of Michael and Alex staring up at him. When he looked at it, sometimes struggled to recognise Michael, the boy had changed so much. But as he stared down at it now, this time it was himself who he grappled to recognise. 

That boy had lost battles, and Alex didn't want to be that boy anymore. He slipped the photo off the desk, looking at it one final time before placing it in the bottom of his draw, buried under stacks of folders. 

Those hopeful happy 17-year-old boys had no place here.

Alex turned to look at TJ, the boy stood to attention, "It's time for offence," Alex commanded. He headed over to TJ, flicking off the light as they strolled down the corridor towards their squad, each step Alex took he worked harder to shove down the image of the boys in his mind, burry the thought of his life after this.

As Alex reached the door to his squad, he took a breath.

There was no two years from now.

There was no house with a garden and two dogs.

There was only his squad on the other side of the door, and Alex was willing to do whatever it took to protect them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This is just my ramblings and reasons for decisions I made this chapter so feel free to skip*
> 
> I took a lot of inspo for this chapter from Alex and Michaels 'I wanted to win battles' conversation at the end of s1 and Michael and Max's "if you were the reason Alex went to war, I'd hate you' convo.
> 
> So for Alex, I really wanted to show how he went from that sweet kid we see I the 1x06 flashback to the hardened soldier we see the beginning of s1. I really think that Alex tried to remain himself and not a soldier, but the pressures of war, the fear of losing and not being able to protect his people changed him. We see Alex tell kyle in 1x12 "That's the coldest reality about war. Sometimes you're just doing what you're told. Then all of a sudden, things are burning. People are screaming. And then you look around, and you realize... that the evil is you." I wanted to show why Alex decided to just start doing what he was told and how that descent into obedient soldier began. I think Alex was so scared of losing that he just did what he was told and we see the consequences that has on Alex as the fic continues.
> 
> As for Michael, I've seen other ppl discuss this as well, but I truly believe Michael blamed himself for Alex leaving, I think 'i'd hate you if you were the one that made him go to war' was Michael saying, 'I made him leave, and I hate myself so yh if it were you I'd hate you as well," Now I'm not saying I blame Michael, Alex leaving for the army is a complicated issue that stemmed from much trauma. However, I do think Michael blamed himself for that. 
> 
> I essentially wanted this chapter to show a shift in the pair from them as children to them becoming adults and how this shift causes issues with their relationship when they see each other again which SPOILER will be the next chapter (you'll get some fluff I swear) 
> 
> anyway, this concludes my essay lol


	22. Safety is with you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While on leave Michael and Alex spend time together and beginning to remember why they fell in love in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since we've had a wholesome chapter and you guys certainly deserve it after the last one so enjoy so fluff and domestic malex! 
> 
> Come find me on tumblr at @teaamfreewill I love chatting to you!
> 
> -AJ

> **February 2014**

Alex slowly blinked his eyes open, feeling the warmth of the sun on his face as the peaked through the gaps in the curtains. Alex stared up at the roof for a moment, letting his eyes adjust to the low light of the room. 

Alex carefully reached down to the floor, tapping his phone screen.

5:57 am.

Alex sighed, laying back down in the bed. Even when he was off duty he still woke up this time every day, and there was little he could do to fall back asleep. There were certain habits you developed in the army, that followed you wherever you went; waking early, assessing threats, Alex wondered if they would ever leave him. He felt the bed shift next to him.

Alex flicked his eyes over to see Michael rolling over in the bed to face him, his eyes still closed. Alex carefully reached over and pushed a strand of hair that had fallen in front of Michael's eye. Alex gingerly placed the curl behind Michael's ear, letting his fingers sweep across Michael's face. 

Michael shifted, a shy smile growing on his face as he slept. He looked so at peace, so content. 

Alex missed this boy, the one with a shy smile and an open heart. 

Alex had been back in Roswell for a week and had stayed with Michael most nights, his father was out of town so he didn't need to come up with an excuse. Even though Alex had been sleeping next to Michael all week, Michael's soft smile when he slept still warmed Alex, it managed to crawl inside his chest into his heart and tear through the defensives Alex had made.

Alex woke up early most mornings, part of him wanted to wake Michael, they didn't have long together and he didn't want to waste any of their time together. Yet, he could never bring himself to wake the boy, Alex was sure this was the only time Michael was truly relaxed. 

A humming flooded the trailer, Alex flicked his eyes to the ground where his phone vibrated across the floor like it was trying to crawl to him. Alex cursed, carefully slipping out of the bed. Alex quietly reached for his jeans and black sweater, pulling them on trying not to wake Guerin. He reached down and bunded the phone to his chest as he moved to the trailer door, carefully slipping outside. 

"Hello," Alex quietly said, slowly closing the trailer door while looking around to make sure no one was around.

" _Manes!_ " TJ called on the other end, far too loud for 6am.

Alex gave a playful scoff, "TJ" he said, sitting down on the bottom step of the trailer.

" _Hows Roswell?_ " TJ asked from the other end.

"Uhh good, quiet," Alex said. The lot was empty and would stay that way for a while, no cars came in on Sunday meaning sitting outside Micheal's trailer was less of a risk than normal. "Hows Austin?" Alex asked.

" _Not quiet_ ," TJ laughed.

"It wouldn't be with you there," Alex smiled. The pair didn't speak much when they were off, they spent every day together on deployment and normally had little time back home with their loved ones so spent it with them. 

" _Listen there was a reason I was calling, and I wasn't to be insulted by you,_ " TJ laughed.

Alex laughed back, "That's a shame" He said.

" _Frankie and I have been talking,_ " TJ spoke, " _We set a date for our wedding, which I know with our jobs is asking for it to be jinxed but,_ "

Alex smiled again, looking up at the clouds that started to clear above his head, the sun growing brighter. "That's great TJ, what's the date," He asked.

" _February 20th 2016,"_ TJ beamed, and Alex could just picture the wide smile on the boys face. " _Just after our enlistment finishes_ ," He said.

"So you're not signing up again?" Alex asked. 

_"After we spoke, I realised that I want a normal, safe life with Frankie,"_ Over the past year, Alex had avoided talk of life after the army, he found it was the only way to be able to do what he had to, to stay alive. Yet, the thought was always lingering somewhere in his mind.

"Poor Frankie," Alex teased.

TJ laughed, " _You're really busting my balls today_ ," He said, mocking offences.

"Well, I haven't seen you in a while, got a lot to fit into one phone conversation," Alex smirked.

 _"You know this almost makes me regret calling to ask you what I'm about to ask,"_ TK said.

"If you're going to try and convince again me to play at your wedding that's not happening," Since learning Alex could play the guitar, TJ had on a near-weekly basis tried to invent different scenarios that would make Alex play the guitar.

" _Shit_ ," TJ said with false seriousness, " _Well I'll guess I'll just have to settle for asking you to be my best man_ " 

Alex pulled his head down from the sky, looking straight ahead, his brows pulled together, "You serious?" He breathed.

" _No, I called you at 6am on a Sunday just to make this shitty joke_ ," TJ teased, giving Alex a scoff. " _Look I've got a lot of friends but uhhh_ ," It was strange to hear TJ sound nervous, unsure of his words, " _I only got one brother,"_ Alex felt a lump bob in his throat.

Alex, of course, had brothers but over the years they'd drifted, Jesse shoving a wedge between the boys. Flint and Clay had been gone for years, and Flint especially had changed since their mother left. Greg and Alex were close but they were never what they were, never as close as they were when they were kids. Until Alex met TJ he hadn't realised the void that had created, he missed having brothers, "Of course," Alex coughed trying to dislodge the emotion in his throat.

He heard TJ laugh on the other end, _"Good,_ " He said, _"Now about the guitar-"_

"Don't push it," Alex laughed, pushing himself up from the step.

The trailer door swung open, and Alex spun around to see Michael standing in the doorway; jeans low on his lips, no shirt to be seen. Alex just stared up at the boy, watching as what appeared to be relief washed over Michael, "Shit sorry," Michael said.

Alex had to take a second to compose himself, bed haired Michael not wearing a shirt was a sight that took a moment to recover from. "I uh, didn't want to wake you," Alex smiled. Different from the one he had for TJ.

"Everything alright?" Michael whispered, nodding his chin towards the phone.

Alex nodded, "Yeah yeah, I'll be in a second," He smiled, reassuring Michael everything was alright.

Michael smiled back at him, winking, "I'll put the coffee on," he said, closing the door. Alex couldn't help but wonder if Michael was going to put the coffee on or if that meant something entirely different.

" _Now who was that,_ " TJ called from the phone, pulling Alex out of a through that was making his cheeks glow. " _Wait was the Michael, can I say hello,_ " TJ said like an excited kid.

"No, you can't," Alex whispered, grinning as he started to walk up the stairs towards the trailer door.

" _Wait_ ," TJ called again, " _What are you doing at his at 6am on a Sunday-_ " a loud laugh escaped his lips, " _Alex Manes you stud_ ," He chuckled, " _It goes without saying that you get a plus one to this thing so_ ," He trailed off. 

Alex bit his lip, by the time the wedding was happening they'd be finished with the army, Alex could be months into his normal life, the one he hoped to share with Michael, " _We'll I'll leave you to your coffee_ ," TJ said, coughing on the word c "See you, Manes," He called.

"Bye TJ," Alex said, slipping the phone back into his pocket. Alex started to walk up the stairs the smile on his face. 

Michael fidgeted with the coffee pot, tapping his hands on the counter. He blinked at the sun that was quickly creeping into the house. Michael could easily crawl back into bed and sleep till noon, that's what he normally did.

But today wasn't normal.

Alex was back in town, which meant Michael's life converted to a different kind of normal. One where he was awoken at 6am because he couldn't feel Alex next to him. 

Michael had looked around the trailer, seen Alex and his clothes were gone and had assumed the worse.

Their arrangement worked from the second Alex turned up to the night before he left. They had never been good at goodbyes and this was no exception. Over the last year, they had come to a new normal, Alex no longer woke Michael when he had to leave.

No goodbye or what-ifs, just a clean break till the next time. 

When Michael had awoken, he had thought Alex had left, something had come up and he had to go. Yet he was just outside the door, outside the protected world of their's on the phone. 

For a moment he thought I might be Jesse but Alex was far too relaxed, Maria maybe? Michael reached out and poured two cups, the sound of the trailer door opening and closing pulling him out of his mind. "It's 6am what are you doing awake?" Alex asked, coming to lean against the counter where Michael was pouring the coffees.

Michael smiled, passing the cup to Alex who wrapped his hand around the warm mug. "Guess I'm becoming an earlier riser," He said.

Alex pushed off the counter, sitting on the bed, his legs outstretched. "Sorry if I woke you," He said.

Michael shook his head, taking a sip of his coffee. He walked over to the bed, laying on the opposite side of Alex, there legs becoming entangled with each other. "Who was it," Michael asked.

"Uhh TJ," Alex said, "Just checking in," He smiled. 

It seemed like more but Michael just smiled. Over the last year, he'd learn if Alex wanted to share something he would, if he didn't want to them it was best left alone. 

"So, what's your plans for today," Michael asked, not wanting to assume Alex was going to be spending his entire time off with Michael, "Any word from..." Michael trailed off, not wanting to say the name in his trailer, feeling like that would some way contaminate it. 

Alex understood, shaking his head, "No, no nothing," Alex said. Jesse had to leave town for a recruitment week and it so happened to coincide with Alex's request for leave. "I was thinking I'd run back to mine, shower-"

Michael frowned, nodding towards the bathroom, "I have a shower here," He said. 

Alex gave a small laugh, drinking his coffee as the steam poured out. "Not sure that really constitutes a shower," He joked, placing the cup on the side as he pulled himself out of the bed, much to Michael's disappointment, "Plus I need to change clothes," Alex reached down and slipped his boots on, coming to sand in front of Michael who's legs were now swung over the edge of the bed, "Then I can swing by the Crashdown, grab some lunch met you here?" He smiled.

Michael reached out and wrapped his hands around Alex's waist, his hands coming to rest on his hips, "I could come meet you at the Crashdown?" He said.

Instantly he felt Alex tense underneath him. Michael flicked his eyes up to see Alex looking down at the floor. Michael sighed, giving Alex's hips a reassuring squeeze, "Your dads not in town Alex," He said.

"He could still find out," Alex sighed, still not meeting Michael's eyes.

"Your not a kid anymore, you're an airforce captain he can't do anything about it," Alex shifted, and Michael watched as his eyes drifted to Michael's scared hand, a reminder that Jesse could and _did_ do something about it. Michael wanted to protest, wanted to spend time with Alex outside the confines of the airstream, but he knew it was useless. Michael told himself that it was because Alex was fearful of Jesse, but a part of him couldn't help but wonder if Jesse didn't have anything to do with why Alex didn't want to be seen in public with Michael. Michael gave a defeated sigh, "Lunch here then,"

But Alex still seemed lost, like his brain was thinking through a hundred possibilities and worries. "You are staying away from him right?" Alex asked, his eyes finally meeting Michael's.

Michael cocked his head to the side, "No, I have lunch with Jesse every friday," He joked, "We play cards-"

"I'm being serious," Alex interjected. 

Michael could see that, _feel that._

Alex was tense, his eyes holding that dark expression that told him right now he wasn't thinking as Alex but Captain Manes, his mind doing a risk assessment and not liking the outcome, "He's dangerous Michael and when I'm over there I-I can't protect you-" Michael stood from the bed, moving his arms to wrap around Alex's shoulders, "If anything happened to you because of him-"

"Hey, hey," Michael soothed, sensing that Alex was not in the mood to joke about Jesse. "I'm being careful, I promise," Michael comforted. 

Michael kept his distances from Jesse but not because he was scared. Michael knew if he wanted to he could blow up Jesse's hate-filled heart in seconds. Sometimes when the booze was particularly heavy Michael would watch Jesse, see him laugh with his friends at the Wild Pony. It took more restraint than Michael wanted to admit to stop himself from hurting the older man. 

If he did something it might reveal who they are, endangering Isobel and Max. Also as much as Alex hated his father, he was his father and Michael wasn't going to murder him; as much as he wanted to. Michael moved his hand to cup Alex's cheek, "Now go shower and do what you need to do so you can come back here," He smiled, placing a kiss on Alex's lips.

"Eager for lunch," Alex said, moving to place his own hands on Michael's hips. 

"Not what I'm eager for," Michael hummed, giving Alex another kiss, deeper this time. 

Alex laughed against the kiss, pulling Michael closer, "Keep doing that and I won't be able to leave,"

"That's exactly the plan," Michael purred, drawing Alex closer to the bed. Alex laughed, giving Michael a kiss before pulling back, earning a displeased moan from Michael.

"I'll be back soon," Alex smiled, grabbing his jacket from the counter and heading towards the door. 

"Hurry," Michael called, watching as Alex slipped out of the door a smile on his face.

Michael slumped back into the bed, wondering how he was going to kill the time before Alex returned.

Alex slipped on a grey sweater from his wardrobe. Throwing his other clothes onto the bed. Since being back in Roswell, Alex hadn't a night in his room. He looked around the space, everything was untouched, Jesse clearly never entering the room. 

Alex grabbed another jacket, heading down his stairs and out of the door.

"Alex," A voice called from the end of the driveway. 

Alex looked up to see Maria jumping out of her car, arms wide. Alex smiled, giving her a hug, "Hey," He said.

"I was driving past and saw your car, thought I'd stop by," She smiled.

Alex gave a small sigh, "I'm actually just heading out," He watched as her small smile dropped a bit. Alex cursed himself, since being back his priority had been Michael and no one else, "I was going to pick up from food from the Crashdown, wanna give me a lift and we can catch up on the way," He said.

Maria smiled again, nodding as the pair jumped in her car.

Along the way, they both shared stories of what they had been up too. Alex sharing the happier stories he had from his base, Maria telling stories from the Wildpony.

"...and then I had to throw them both out," He smiled, her hand hitting the wheel as he laughed.

Alex turned to face her, "And you did that all by yourself," He laughed.

She gave a mock offended look, "You don't think I could?" She asked.

Alex laughed harder, "Oh I know you could," He said, feeling as the laughter drifted away. "I'm just saying you don't have back up, protection?" He said.

Alex had discovered that being a soldier fundamentally changed how your brain worked. When Alex heard stories like that, he couldn't help but weigh up the risk, look at the outcomes.

"I'm fine Alex," She said, "So why you all dressed up?" He asked before Alex could continue. 

"I'm wearing a sweater," He said, his brows lifted.

"Your favourite sweater, with your favourite jacket," She smiled, glancing her head over, "and don't act like I can't smell that cologne," She smirked. "You're talking to a psychic you know?" She said, both of them laughing.

Alex used the laughter to quickly come up with a reason, "I'm just meeting up with a friend," he said. 

"What friend," She retorted. 

Alex cocked his head to the side, now being the one to give her an offended look, "I have other friends besides you you know?" 

She seemed to study Alex, her eye's looking him up and down. She then gasped, playfully hitting Alex's arm, "Oh my god, it's the mystery guy from the museum right?" He said.

Alex was stunned, _how the hell did she do that._ Maria looked over with a smile, a face that said _try and lie to me._

Alex shook his head, letting it fall back against the headrest, "It's just lunch," He said,

"What happened with him," She asked, "Last time you said it was just a fling?" Those words still hurt Alex to hear. He had been so angry at the time, so hurt.

He looked over at his friend, then at the road ahead, "Long story, but we're..." Alex became stuck, they were what? Alex sighed, shrugging his shoulders, "trying again," was all he could come up with. Alex smiled, looking out the side window, whatever they were, it made Alex smile, and maybe that was enough for now.

She reached across, giving Alex's hands a small squeeze, "I'm happy for you Alex," She smiled, "And I know if Liz was here she would be happy for you as well,"

Liz.

Rosa.

Alex was ashamed to admit, he didn't think of them as much as he should. He looked over at Maria to see she was now staring straight ahead, somethings that Roswell took away, it didn't give back. After a moment they pulled up outside the Crashdown. Alex thanked Maria, promising that he would call before jumping out of the car. Alex quickly picked up the food he'd ordered on the way and headed towards the lot. 

Alex never drove to Michael's people knew his car and he could be spotted, walking was more inconspicuous, safer. Alex's grip was tight around the bag as he walked, his eyes scanning every person who walked past to ensure they weren't someone he knew, someone his dad knew. His breathing and heartbeat evened out into a calmness like it always did during mentions.

Micheal laid on the bed, staring up at this roof waiting for Alex. He had spent some time cleaning up, moving clothes about and cleaning dishes and taking out the rubbish.

Michael felt his phone vibrate in his pocket as he stood outside, throwing the last of the trash into the bin. He pulled it up, sighing as he saw the name, "Isobel, to what do I owe the pleasure?" He normally enjoyed speaking to her but he was preoccupied today, Alex having texted that he was on his way back.

" _Wild pony tonight?_ " She asked on the other end.

Michael narrowed his eyes, "What's the catch he said,"

He heard her sign on the other end, " _Max is coming_ ," She finished. 

Michael shook his head, looking up at the parting clouds, "I can't-"

 _"Michael!_ " She yelled, _"Whatever went down, Max is your brother,-_ "

"I can't because I've already got plans," He said over her raised voice, "before you continue to yell at me,"

" _Plans?_ " She scoffed, clearly not believing Michael, " _What plans?_ " She asked.

Michael opened his mouth but didn't say anything. In a perfect world, he would tell his sister he was seeing someone, that he was spending the night with Alex, or he would take Alex along as normal couples did. 

But this wasn't a perfect world and they weren't a normal couple, "I'm seeing a friend," he sighed.

She scoffed again, " _If you don't want to come then just say_ ," She sneered.

Michael felt his patients starting to wear thin, he didn't want to lie but he'd promised Alex he wouldn't tell anyone. He thought Alex would understand that Isobel was his sister but then that included explaining the pods and crash and that was _never_ going to happen. "Isobel, I can't," He repeated, continuing before she could interrupt again, "I'm not lying so don't be you about it,"

" _What does that mean!_ " She yelled. As he did she clearly worked out _that's_ what Michael meant about her 'being her' she gave a huff, and Michael could practically see the frown on her face, " _Fine enjoy your mystery plans_ ," She said. Michael was about to say something when he saw Alex wandering into the lot. 

"I will and say hi to Maxwell for me," Michael said sarcastically, turning around to head back up the trailer stairs holding the door open for Alex as he got closer.

" _You know you're going to have to forgive him soon,_ " She said. Michael clenched his jaw tight, his grip around the phone growing. Alex hurried up and stairs and into the trailer, Michael letting the door close heavily, a loud thud echoing through the streamer. Michael hung up the phone, chucking it onto the side. 

"Everything alright?" Alex asked, setting the food down on the table.

"Yeah just..." Michael sighed again, there really wasn't one person he could tell the whole truth too. He shook his head, "Never mind," He said. Michael peered into the bag grabbing fries and a milkshake, slumping down on the bed, his back pressed against the window. He watched as Alex looked in the bag, pulling out his matching order. Alex seemed to pick each fry up without actually eating any of them, stirring the straw around in his milkshake, "Everything alright with you?" Michael asked.

"Yeah," Alex said too quickly, and Michael could see him close his eyes recognising his error. Michael gave a small smile, Alex still couldn't lie to Michael, at least that hadn't changed between the pair. Alex grabbed his shake, sitting next to Michael, "I bumped into Maria on the way here," he said. Michael nodded, trying to work out why that would throw Alex's whole mood off, "Do you see her much?" Alex asked.

Michael gave a laugh, "You mean do we hang out?" He asked.

"No, I mean at the Pony?" Alex corrected.

Michael paused, he saw Maria most nights at the Pony but he didn't think Alex would approve of that answer, "Uhh yeah, I mean its the only decent place to get a drink here," He said.

Alex nodded, staring down at his drink. Alex may not lie to Michael, but he had this unique ability to ask everything except the actual question he wanted to know. Almost like he could piece the answer together with small pieces of information, something he learned as a soldier Michael guessed. Michael placed his food down on the counter, his appetite decreasing as he watched Alex clearly struggling with something. "You wanna ask what you really want to know," He said.

Alex seemed to defeat, slumping harder against the window. "She was just telling me these stories of these drunk patrons and I know she works there by herself normally and-"

Michael held up his hand, giving a small snort, "Trust me, she can handle herself," Michael had watch Maria Deluca deal with her fair share of drunk customers, her staff not taking any shit from anyone.

"I know I just," Michael stopped smiling when he saw Alex's face. He looked completely lost in his milkshake, a glaze came over his eyes which told Michael his mind wasn't in the trailer anymore, "I've met a lot of people over the last few years who say they can handle themselves and yet they still end up-" The words got caught in Alex's throat, but he didn't need to say them for Michael to understand what he was getting at. 

Michael never asked about what happened when Alex was deployed, he didn't want to know. Yet he knew Alex's time as captain had not been smooth sailing, and there had been loses along the way. 

Michael reached out with his free hand, "This is Roswell Alex, not war," part of Michael foolishly thought that once Alex left whatever military base he was stationed at, that those fears and everything he had been taught would stay there and wait for his return. 

It didn't take long to realise they came with him, and with every visit, they seemed more intense. Michael leaned closer to Alex, "Plus even though you would disapprove I spent most nights there so I promise she's safe," Michael assured, certain Alex needed it. 

He felt Alex relax a little next to him, looking around the trailer and the food on the table, giving a soft laugh, "What," Michael asked.

"Nothing just..." Alex bit his lip for a moment, looking down at their interlocked hands, "I guess I forgot what 'safe' feels like," He quietly said.

It took everything Michael had to not pull Alex closer to him. Instead, he took a breath, nodding his head around the room, "This," He said, "This is safe," 

"Your trailer?" Alex said with a small laugh, still looking at their hands.

"My trailer, my truck," Michael continued, taking in a breath. He reached out with his free hand, tilting Alex's head up to look at him, "If you're with me, your safe," He said. A simple smile came over Alex's face, his eyes growing glassy.

"I've really missed you," Alex admitted. 

Michael sat in stunned silence for a moment. This new relationship they had was very different from the first, most of their time spent being physical rather than speaking. For the first time in a while, they felt like _them,_ before everything went to shit. Neither was lying or hiding, they were talking and were open.

Michael let out a shaky breath, rubbing his thumb over Alex's hand. "I'm always just a phone call away," He said, "And in just over one year you'll be done," He smiled.

Alex nodded his head, reaching out with his other hand to place it on Michael's knee, "Still down for getting a dog?" he asked. 

Over the year, they had joked about this life, what their plans were for after Alex's deployment. It always just strayed the edge of fantasy, never going as far to call it a reality or a plan, but close enough.

"Only if its a beagle," Michael joked.

Alex laughed, shaking his head and biting his lip. The heaviness from his eyes had lifted. He moved and laid his head on Michael's shoulder. the pair sat in silence for a while, their milkshakes melting and food growing cold but neither cared.

Hours later and the boys were wrapped up in each other under the covers. Alex was awake staring out of the window. Through the misted glass he could see glowing stars scattered across the sky.

"What'ya looking at?" Michael mumbled next to him. Alex looked over, Michael was looking at him through drowsy half-closed eyes _he was so gorgeous._

"The stars," He sighed. Michale shift next to him, moving closer and placing his head on Alex's bare chest, his hands resting on his abdomen. "Remember we used to look at them as kids?" Alex whispered even though they were the only two in the trailer.

Michael hummed a response, "You still remember Jupiters four moons?" he asked.

Alex gave a laugh, "Yeah," he breathed. He'd replayed their conversation under the stars most nights when he looked up at the sky. "I can see them where I'm station," He admitted. Michael tilted his head up to look at him. "Sometimes I just go outside and look at them, remind myself there's more to life than war," They were just stars and moons Alex told himself, they had no bearing on his life but somehow Alex felt like that as long as he could see them, he was connected to Roswell, to Michael. Alex brushed his hand through Michael's hair playing with the curls, "That there's something here," it was unspoken that Alex meant someone. 

Michael's eyes shone up at Alex. He reached his hand up, stroked it down Alex's cheek, "There will always be something for you here," He said. He lent up, placing a light kiss on Alex's lips before dropping his head back against his chest, his breathing evening out as he drifted off to sleep.

Saftey was an interesting concept for Alex. Obviously, he knew what it meant, and there had been times where he experienced it, but it was so long ago that Alex can't quite remember how it felt. 

To feel protected, to feel safe. 

When his mother left, she took that with her. Life with Jesse was anything but safe. For a while, he had used the shed for safety, but that was like a house of cards ready to collapse and it did. When his father took away the shed as a safe haven, in a way he also took Roswell away.

The whole town changed when Alex realised his father could find him anywhere and there was no place for him to hide. 

Then Rosa had died and Roswell lost another layer of safety. 

While spending their nights under the desert sky, Alex managed to find some safety in Michael. However, that hadn't lasted long, the thin veneer of safety they had created was errored each time they argued, or when Michael turned up with fresh bruises from a fight.

When you join the army people always ask why, Alex always said it was because it ran in the family. People never questioned that, the Manes were well known. That, in actual fact, had nothing to do with it. Alex had wanted to feel safe.

It was a paradox he knew, agreeing to go to war zones to feel safe was a hard concept to sell. It had worked for a while, being surrounded by soldiers and inside the large concrete base created a sense of safety. Then they started losing people, then Alex lost his friends and he realised that it wasn't safe, it was the furthest thing from it.

But he knew who his enemies were, and there was a kind of safety in that. He could sit down in his office and read file after file about his enemies, people who wanted to do him harm. He knew who they were.

It didn't feel like that in Roswell. The people who were meant to protect him turned out to be the enamines and since then nothing really made sense. 

Alex wrapped his arms tight around Michael, on hand resting on Michael's back, the other weaved into his hair. He felt as Michael nuzzled his head into Alex's chest, his hands coming up to curl into his chest. 

Alex smiled, it had been a long time since he had felt safe, sometimes he wondered if he could remember how it felt. Yet as he was wrapped up in Michael's arm in the trailer, he was _sure_ this is what safety felt like. 


	23. I wasn't ready to let you go.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A devastating event shakes Alex to his core, making him question his life and his future and where Michael fit in. Back in Roswell Michael struggles to cope with Alex being gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year's guys! I hope you all had a good holiday season and New Years! 
> 
> SO this is the first update of 2021 and I'm so sorry to say but it's an angsty one🥺. There's no particular warning for this chapter but it is dark and heavy and contains some descriptions of violence/injury but nothing graphic (things you'd see on the show) a sad but necessary chapter for this story! 
> 
> ANyway, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter (as much as you can)

> **February 2015**

Michael held the phone to his ear, looking out of his foggy trailer window. The phone rang until it clicked off. Part of Michael was glad that Alex's phone didn't allow for messages, he was sure he would be a rambling mess. 

It had been a week since they had spoken. After they spoke Alex had said he'd ring the next day, then he didn't. That wasn't unusual but what was unusual was not hearing from Alex at all. He called, texted, but heard nothing from Alex. Every day since the knot in his stomach had gotten tighter and tighter. He replayed their conversation over and over, seeing if he had missed something. 

_"Why don't you just go," Alex said, laughing._

_Michael scoffed on the other end of the phone, "And spend the night third-wheeling with Isbole and Noah are you insane," He said, kicking the dust across the lot._

_"It might be fun," Alex said, clearly teasing Michael._

_"You have a better chance of having a fun evening than I do," Michael joked._

_"I doubt that," He said, his voice sounding serious. Michael's stomach turned slightly. They didn't talk about Alex's mission but it was easy to tell when the boy had something on his mind._

_"Any news on your next leave," Michael asked, changing the subject._

_"Not yet," Alex sighed._

_"I thought you said it was quiet," He asked, last time they had spoken Alex had told Michael things were somewhat peaceful and for the week after hearing that Michael slept a little easier._

_"Yeah, that isn't always a good thing," Alex said._

_"You staying safe," Guerin asked._

_"It's war Guerin," Alex said._

_"Humour me," Michael almost pleaded._

_Alex thought for a moment, silence on the phone. "I'm staying as safe as I can," he said, "Our next mission should be simple, nice and safe," He said, but Michael wasn't sure any mission could be classed as 'safe'._

_He heard a knock on the door through Alex's, "Manes!" A voice called, one he recognised as TJ "Stop flirting with your boyfriend we've got to gear up and move out,"_

_"Did he just call me your boyfriend?" Michael almost stuttered. They must just be joking, teasing Alex. There was no way that Alex would have told someone about then, whatever they were. "He knows about...us?" He said, his voice unsure._

_"I didn't say you were my boyfriend but I..." Alex trailed off, stumbling over his words. Of course, Michael thought trying to not let the disappointment show through his sigh, "But yeah kinda told him about you and me so," Michael felt a warmth through his cheeks, a smile rising on his lips._

_He told someone._

_"Listen I'll ring you when we're done with this mission, probably tomorrow," Alex said, his voice still sounding nervous._

_"Yeah uh alright, stay safe," Michael said, the shock still settling over him._

_"Have fun with Isobel," Alex said, and Michael could practically hear the smirk. Michael scoffed as they said goodbye._

_Michael stood smiling to himself in the lot. It was one person, a person he didn't even know but for Alex to tell someone about them. It made then feel real, like they weren't doing something wrong, that Alex wasn't ashamed. He heard a rather poorly sounding car pull into the lot and Michael slipped his phone back into his pocket._

The joy of that day had only lasted a while. After a few days of silence, Michael started to stress, then his calls and text went unanswered. Michael had heard news stories of soldiers being killed and ambushed. They didn't release the names, and Michael didn't know the location where Alex was stationed so the dread only grew in his stomach. Michael had done his best to drown it out with booze and fights but the thought always reared its head, burrowing to the front. Michael sat up in his bed, his head feeling far too clear, the thought to front and centre. Michael sat up, determined to change that.

Alex sat in the white plastic chair in the infirmary. Nurses and doctors swarmed the room, moving patients and bodies around, speaking in medical terms that Alex didn't understand.

Alex moved to rest his arms on the side of the seat, smearing the thick blood that was on his sleeves onto the pristine white chair. Alex wasn't sure who's blood it was; his, the enemies or-. Alex clenched the arms of the chair harder.

Alex closed his eyes, trying to steady his breath that had been uneven ever since he had heard that first bullet. He'd lost count of how long he'd been sat here, minutes, hours, time didn't quite make sense right now. It seemed like only a few hours ago he had been smiling on the phone to Michael telling him about his 'simple mission' as it turned out that one day mission turned into a nightmare of a week, Alex spending half his time on the phone with Majors and trying to work out what the hell to do. The decision that he had landed on had led him to here, sitting in the white chair alone.

Alex could hear someone saying his name, calling him. 

A hand touched his shoulder and Alex jerked forward in his chair. He looked up to see a nurse in front of him.

"Sophie," He almost gasped. Alex had met the nurse on numerous times when checking on his squad or being admitted himself. "Captain," She smiled, "Have you been seen too," She asked, wincing as he looked over him.

"I'm fine," He croaked, his voice sore from screaming. 

"You know every soldier I speak to says that," She said, a warm smile on her face.

"Any word on my team," Alex asked.

She sighed, she was smart enough not to press Alex about his own injuries, "Marcus and Dustin are stable, the others we patched up and sent on their way," She said. Alex wanted to give a sigh of relief, but he couldn't.

"And TJ?" He asked, his voice quiet.

"Still in surgery," She said. Alex tried to read her face, but being a nurse in the army meant you perfected your poker face. 

"How, how long till he's out here," Alex asked, clasping his hands in front of him, the blood that coated each hand sticking together.

A pause.

Alex swallowed hard, feeling as if the chair was rocking. That pause said a thousand things, none of them good. "The wounds were extensive-"

"I know that," Alex snapped, looking up at the girl. That's all she was, she was around the same age as Alex, a few years into her 20's. Both just kids trying their best to keep it together. "I just-" Alex sighed, doing a shitty job of keeping it together.

"The surgeon is doing everything he can but I can't give you a time frame," She cooly said. Alex nodded, staring at the ground. "We can come to fetch you when-"

"No," Alex interrupted, "I'll stay here," He finished. Sophie nodded, heading back over to another bed to talk to a patient.

Alex slumped back into the hard, chair, ignoring the pain the shot down his body. Alex reached up and placed his hand on the small hole in his uniform by his biceps. Alex cursed, pulling his hand away to reveal fresh blood. The bandage he had hastily fixed on the way over here was clearly not enough.

_Alex stayed as close to the floor as he could, the bullets whizzing just above his head. He flicked his eyes over to TJ who was also flat against the ground. "Don't move," Alex called to the several civilians who were hidden underneath the market stalls that had toppled when the explosion had occurred. "Stay there," He ordered to them, not that any of then showed any signs of moving, their bodies trembling hard._

_"Has anyone got eyes on them?" Alex called into his radio, unsure where the rest of his squad was._

_"Third floor," A voice replied, "The fifth window in," It repeated._

_"You clear the civilians I'll check it out," TJ said to Alex._

_"No, you don't go in there alone," Alex replied, his eyes scanning the area a hundred miles a minute._

_TJ moved closer, "We need to move these civilians, and the only way to do that is to draw the fire away," He said. "Take them east, I'll move to that stall over there," TJ called over the hail of bullets and explosions. Alex peered around to see the stall TJ was talking about. Far enough that it would draw the fire long enough for Alex to move the terrified civilians. The amount of gunfire he could hear told Alex it was coming from multiple locations. He looked over at the terrified people then back at TJ, reaching out to grip his arm._

_"Stay low!" He called._

_TJ nodded, crouching and running across the ground, the bullets following him. Alex beckoned for the people to follow him, quickly moving across the ground away from the building, using the stalls as barriers. Alex could see a small alleyway across from him, far enough away the bullets couldn't reach the people. Alex turned to them to explain when a burning pain travelled across his arm, causing Alex to cry out. The civilians screamed as a bullet whizzed past them. Alex grabbed them and pulled them back hiding behind a cart._

_Shit._

_Shit._

_"Manes where are you!" TJ called into the radio._

_"We're pinned down," Alex replied, "They're firing from the other side too," Alex tried to come up with a plan, if they went back then they could get hit with bullets from the main building, if they went forward then they would certainly get hit with these new bullets. "I'll head back towards you, that will draw their fire away from civilians," Alex said. If the shooters saw Alex head back they'd aim for him, it was their only plan._

_"You'll get hit," TJ called, and Alex could hear the rapid gunfire on the other end of the line._

_"We've got no choice," Alex yelled. This was the only way to protect them._

_"I can head in, take out the shooter from the main building that way you've only got one shooter to avoid," TJ said._

_Alex clenched his hand hard around the radio, "No, you don't go into that building alone we don't know how many are in there," He yelled._

_"If I don't do something you're going to end up dead, all of you!" If there was time Alex would chastise the boy for speaking like that on the radio, the horrified look on people's face nearly making Alex do so, "I'm going in," TJ said._

_Alex spun around to see TJ in the distances, he darted into the main building, "No TJ that is an order," Alex yelled, his heart thudding so loud in his chest the bullets were drowned out._

_"Sorry Cap," The boy whispered._

_"TJ," Alex called again, but there was no reply. The people screamed as a bullet shot past them again, landing in the dirt next to them._

_They were fucked._

_Alex moved closer to the people, trying his best to shield them, if he tried to run back to draw fire he was certain a stray bullet would hit them._

_They were truly fucked._

_Suddenly the gunfire from the main building stopped. Alex wanted to feel relief but he didn't. He told the group of people he was going to run and when the gunfire followed him and when it was safe to do so to get out of the area and hide._

_Alex charged back towards the main building, dodging the bullets from the other side. He hid behind a stall and watched as the people fled the area for safety._

_Alex slipped into the building where TJ had gone._

_Silence._

_Alex held his weapon up, silently moving from room to room. He wanted to scream out for TJ, every muscle in his throat fighting the urge. Finally, Alex made it to the room where the shooting had been from. Alex darted into the room, scanning around._

_The shooter laid dead in front of the window, another body in the centre of the room. On the opposite wall sat TJ, his weapon next to him, his hands pressed onto his stomach, thick red blood seeping through his fingers._

_"_ Let me stitch it," Sophie said, making it the second time that day she'd pulled him out of his memories, if only she knew how much he appreciated that. Alex went to protest when she raised her eyebrow, "There's no news, and you won't hear any if you bleed out in that chair," She said. 

Alex sighed, nodding as he stood, swaying on his feet, "Woah there captain," She said, taking his arm as he led him to sit on the edge of a bed. Alex peeled off his jacket, the nurse cleaning the wound and preparing her needle and thread. "They're lucky to have you you know," Sophie said as he worked, her eyes focused on the wound, "I know some captains that don't even know the names of their soldiers, and here you are sitting in this shit whole waiting for TJ," She smiled.

"Yeah well, it's hard to not know TJ," Alex said. He was living proof, he had spent weeks pushing the guy away and yet, he'd clung on. 

"There you go, all done," Sophie said after a while, wrapping the bandage around the wound. Alex thanked her, pulling his jacket back on.

The jacket craked as the dried blood on it had caused it to become stiff. Alex winced at the pain in his arm, the blood on the jacket, all of it.

Michael sat in his usual seat in the pony, nursing a whiskey. Maria Deluca walked passed, Michael called her name, holding up his now empty glass.

She frowned, walking over with the bottle in her hand, "You know at some point you are going to have to actually pay your tab right," She dryly said, pouring Michael another drink.

"Isn't my company payment enough," He quipped, taking a sip of his drink. Maria rolled her eyes, pushing herself off the bar. The TV that hung in the top corner of the bar played the news, no one ever paid is much attention, and there were some times Michael forgot it was there.

But not tonight.

Several images of an army base engulfed in flames flashed across the screen, "Hey Maria, can you turn that up," Michael called. His eyes didn't leave the screen the volume flicked on, barley audible over the music. " _A US army base located in the middle east was bombed today in a brutal attack, there are reports of many casualties as the death toll continues to rise"_ The music seemed to disappear from Michael's mind, only able to hear the TV presenters voice and the images across the screen.

"Oh my god," Maria gasped. 

Michael felt his hand tighten around the glass, unable to hear the creaking and cracking over the sound of the ringing his ear. The TV flicked off and Michael flicked his eyes over to Maria, she had the TV remote pressed tight against her chest, her face looking pale. 

Michael didn't need to ask where her mind went, it was the same place his mind was right now. Maria picked up the whiskey bottle, shakily pouring herself a small glass. She leaned on the bar, taking a sip, "I don't know if you remember him," Maria started, staring down at the liquid in her glass, "But Alex Manes; he went to our high school, he's stationed over there," The glass cracked again, Michael just gave a small nod. Every time someone asked if he knew Alex, Michael felt like a part of his heart was broken. She sighed, "every time I see something like that I just-" She shook her head, Michael frowned, it was like there was something else she didn't want to say. 

"I'm sure he's fine," Michael finally said, not for her benefit but for his own. Alex was fine, he was repeating in his mind, he spoke to him only a week ago. Maria frowned harder, and it took all of Michael's will power to not to scream at the girl for the information she was clearly holding back. She swirled the liquid in his glass, she stood up taller, "I've had a pit in my stomach all day today, like a deep sickness and a headache, the last time I had this someone..." She trailed off, fidgetting with her hands. 

She didn't need to say it. The last time she got this feeling something bad happened, someone died. 

She took in a deep breath, "and now seeing that I just...I don't know something feels wrong," She shook her head again, like she could dislodge the thought from her head. 

Michael said something to Maria, unsure himself what it was, he threw down some money on the table and walked out of the bar. As soon as Michael make it out into the cool her and pulled his phone from his pocket, clicking Alex's name. The phone rang, and rang, "Pick up, pick up, pick up," Michael chanted, like it would make any differences. The phone continued to ring before clicking off.

Michael tried again.

and again.

and again.

"FUCK!" Michael cried. He squeezed the phone tight, trying to steady his already shaking hands. 

He was a captain, he must just be busy. That was it. He said it over and over but it didn't make it any more true. 

One year left.

 _That's_ what Michael held onto. After one year he didn't have to worry about Alex in some warzone again, he'd be back in Roswell with Michael. Michael heard a loud truck pull into the lot, men clamouring and yelling while throwing cans to the ground. Michael slipped the phone into his pocket, clicking his neck side to side, clenching his fists before walking over. Boozy had done little to quiet his mind, maybe this would silence it.

Alex had felt his phone buzz several times but he ignored it, whoever it was Alex was sure he wasn’t prepared to speak to them. Alex reached up and moved the hair from his forehead, he rolled his neck, feeling the stiffness creeping in. His head rolled forward and he noticed the smudged red handprint on his shirt. Alex closed his eyes, leaning his head back, the white ceiling is the only thing that didn’t bring back memories that Alex was already working hard to lock away.

_"TJ!" Alex cried, running to the ground and dropping to his knees in front of the boy, throwing his gun to the side not caring it wasn't protocol._

_Alex shrugged off his jacket, pushing it harshly on the wound, making TJ cry out, "Are they okay," He panted._

_"Yeah there safe," Alex said, all his energy focusing on keeping the blood at bay while calling for backup. He pressed hard, another cry from TJ, "Come on it doesn't hurt that bad," Alex said, trying to lighten the mood, for his benefit more than TJ's._

_"Easy for you to say," TJ laughed, coughing as he did, some blood landing on his lip. Alex clenched his jaw, pressing harder, "Fuck," TJ mumbled._

_"Back up's coming alright," He said, looking around for anything that might help, but they were alone. "Just sit tight," Alex said, feeling the need to cut the silences, unsure he could handle listening to TJ's labours breathing till backup arrived._

_"I was actually planning on going for a run," TJ said. Alex felt one corner of his lip twitch up, "Frankie is going to be pissed," He continued, "If-I don't make it-"_

_Alex shook his head, his words catching in his throat as he felt his hands shake against the blood, "Stop talking okay," Alex berated, "For once in your life just stop talking," Alex felt his soldier facade slipping, dropping to the group with little he could do. "You're going to be fine, you've had worse in training," Alex was rambling, his words tripping over each other as the blood seeped through his fingers faster._

_"Manes," TJ said, placing his hand on top of Alex's, "You tell her, not some commander she doesn't know," He quietly said. It was all becoming too real, Alex wasn't going to make that call, he wasn't going to lose someone else, not be able to save someone else._

_Alex's eye's burned as he fought back the tears, he felt the anger froth in his chest, "I gave you an order to wait," He yelled, he didn't know what else to do, his hands shook harder and he also lost his grip of the jacket with how slick it had become with blood, his friend's blood._

_"Since when do I listen to you," TJ teased, like everything was normal, everything as okay. Alex went to reply when he saw TJ's eyes flutter close, his head starting to roll to the side._

_"Hey! keep those eyes open," Alex yelled, moving his face closer. After what felt like a lifetime he peeled his eyes open, not fully but enough that some of the air returned to Alex's lungs._

_"When you get outta here-" TJ started, moving his hand to put it on Alex's chest._

_"Don't you mean when_ **_we_ ** _get outta here," Alex corrected, giving his friend a smile, Alex quietly moved TJ's hand back to the wound. The fact that TJ had also seemed to give up stopping the bleeding also made Alex throw up on the spot._

_"And I swear if you blame yourself for this I will haunt your ass," TJ murmured._

_"That's not funny," Alex scolded, the tug of a smile pulling at his lip, only TJ could make that joke in this situation and make Alex smile._

_"It's a little funny," TJ laughed, and for a moment they both just sat there with shy smiles. "I mean it, Manes," TJ whispered, squeezing Alex's hand which was over his wound, "You're a good man," It felt like a goodbye and Alex wanted to scream, but instead he stayed kneeling on the floor, one tear managing to slip down Alex's face as he heard the footsteps of his crew coming up the stairs._

_He'll be okay._

_He'll be okay._

_He has to be._

Alex leaned forward on the chair, his thumb and middle finger pressed tightly against his temple. Maybe if Alex squeezed hard enough the memories would disappear. He leaned back in the seat, spilling the phone out of his pocket. 

_Michael._

Alex closed his eyes, letting out a deep, shaky breath. He couldn’t face Michael right now, couldn’t pretend that everything was okay, because it wasn’t. Alex couldn’t be reminded of the life that now seemed so far away. Alex slipped the phone back into his trousers and leaned back in the chair, the white ceiling above offering little comfort to Alex.

Michael laid on the cold bench, his arms crossed over his chest as he looked up at the ceiling of the jail, “So have you got a reason for this fight or?” Max said, as he hoovered outside the cell, his arms crossed over his chest, his face stern and tense.

Michael twisted himself to a sitting position, the world shifting and blurring as he did, “I was defending myself,” He smirked, causing the bruise on his jaw to ache.

“You started it!” Max yelled, shaking his head, the disappointment evident in his voice and eyes. “Were you trying to get arrested?” He asked.

Michael cast his eyes down, his hands clenched together, “We’ll if you were, mission accomplished,” He said sarcastically, picking up his keys and shoving them into his pocket. Max gathered Michael’s belongings together and placed them into a bag, shoving that into his other pocket, “Try to stay out of trouble, I’ll see you tomorrow,” Max said, leaving Michael alone in the room.

Michael sighed, slumping back against the wall. It was silent, no radio or TV. Michael could no longer listen for news reports or watch the news on repeat. He laid back down on the bench, he still hadn’t heard from Alex, and there was nothing he could do about it. No way to contact him besides ring and calling over and over. This way, in this cell Michael couldn't do that, here he wasn’t sat by his phone waiting for a call that might never come.

He wouldn’t sleep, if he got lucky then maybe he’d pass out and the worry wouldn’t leave his heart or mind but at least here he could live in a world where Alex had called but he missed it. In this world everything was okay.

Michael’s eyes started to flutter close, his eyes heavy with alcohol and tiredness from his fight. _Alex was fine._ Michael thought the words over and over. _One more year,_ that was all Alex had left to do. Only one more year of Michael waiting for Alex to turn up, having him disappear in the night without a goodbye. Another year of drinking himself to sleep so he didn’t worry when Alex didn’t pick up.

Michael’s head lolled to the side, his eyes closing. _Alex was fine. Everything was okay._ The words repeated as Michael finally passed out on the bench.

The chair grew even more uncomfortable like the hardback was biting into Alex's back. Alex reached up and rubbed his eyes with the few clean spots on his hands. He let his hands fall into his lap, ignoring the pain that was still surging down his arm. The ride back to the infirmary had felt like hours, Alex's hands still clasped against TJ's wound the entire time. 

Across the room, Sohpie started to walk towards Alex, a chart clasped tight against her chest. Alex watched her face, looking for any hint of what she was about to say; what reality she was about to deliver to Alex; the one where his friend would live or the one where Alex had failed again. 

Her face was clear, with no answers or hints to be found. Alex felt a rope start to twist around his lungs and heart, the beating of his heart growing louder. Sophie grew closer, a few feet away. 

She stopped just in front of Alex, taking in a large breath and that's when Alex saw it. 

Her lips trembled slightly as she let out the breath.

The answer. Alex's new reality was here.

"I'm so sorry Alex," She said, "They did everything they could for him,"

It was as if someone kicked the legs out from the chair, sending Alex tumbling to the ground. The room fell silent, he watched as Sohpie continued to talk but he didn't hear anything besides his own heart beating. The scene shifted and blurred before Alex, the room still quiet. 

A hand touched his shoulder, he looked up to see Sophie giving him a heartbreaking smile. It was then Alex realised his breathing had been coming out in short bursts. He held his breath for a moment, pressing his hands hard into his lap to stop them from shaking. She reached into her pocket, pulling out a silver dog tag on a chain, "I cleaned them," She quietly said, holding them out to Alex.

He didn't move. 

Taking the tags would make this real, right now Alex could pretend there was another name on those tags, that this was a mistake and they didn't belong to his friend. Sophie seemed to understand, reaching over and placing the tags on the chair next to Alex. Someone called her name and she gave Alex another apology before leaving. 

Alex didn't move from his chair, staring at the empty stop Sophie had occupied. Alex glanced his head over to the chair next to him, the tags in a small pile. His friend would never sit next to him again.

Alex reached out and shakily picked up the tags. Alex stared down at them.

Taylor Jenkins.

TJ.

The tags, the name, it all became too real. Alex pushed himself off the chair and walked down the hallway, ignoring people trying to talk to him or stop him. Alex entered his office, closing the door behind him. 

The room looked so much smaller now, Alex backed up his back hitting the door as he retched his hand around to pull it open as he slipped out. Alex rushed down the hallway and into the cold night. Alex stumbled down the side of the wall, his arm thrown out to the side to brace himself as he heaved, vomiting onto the ground.

Alex squeezed his eyes so tight that pain shot through his head. He retched again, barley anything left in his stomach. Alex coughed and spat on the ground, stumbling backwards. 

His back hit the cold wall. Alex tried to control his breathing, blinking his eyes to stop the tears from welling.

Alex couldn't cry.

If he started to cry for his friend he wasn't sure he would be able to stop. Alex held his lip between his teeth, his eyes harshly blinking still. Alex slipped his hand into his pocket, pulling his phone out. Without thinking he dialled Michael's number, he needed to hear his voice, needed to know that at the end of this there was something, _someone._ The phone dialled and dialled till it clicked to life.

"This is deputy Max Evans, I'm afraid Michael is spending the night in the drunk tank, want me to take a message?" The voice said. 

Alex clenched down on his lip, the déjà vu was cold and unforgiving. Alex's lip trembled between his teeth, he slowly sunk down the wall, ending up in a crouching position.

Alex had needed Michael, and he was in jail.

Logic told Alex that Michael couldn't have known, that was just an ill-fated coincidence that the boy couldn't be blamed for.

The phone clicked off but Alex didn't move it from his safe. A realisation was making its way through Alex's body, more painful than the bullet in his arm or the grief and numbness that was slowly encompassing his body. 

Michael hadn't changed.

They hadn't changed and they never would.

Alex tilted his head up needing to see the stars, to remind himself that wasn't true, that something was waiting for him back in Roswell, _a battle he could win._

His eyes scanned the sky.

Clouds.

Thick and dense, letting nothing through. Alex found himself pleading with anyone that would listen that the clouds would part, that he could see the stars above, see some evidence that Roswell still held something for him.

The clouds gently moving across the sky but never let a star sneak through. The tear dropped from Alex's eye, a small pat echoing as it hit the dust below.

Alex caught the sob before it left his lips, pressing his lips tight together to hold back the agony of losing everything he held close in one night. 

A sob for TJ.

A sob for the house with a garden and dogs.

A sob for himself.

He glanced over and saw the stubbed out cigarettes on the ground, the only evidence that TJ had once been here.

The door Alex had stumbled through was opened, a young soldier stood there.

"Cap, the Major wants to speak to you,"

That's the thing about war nobody tells you, it never stops. It doesn't care if you're hurt; if your ribs are cracked, a bullet still in you or if your friend's body is lying on a table in the other room, it goes on and waits for nobody.

The bullets and explosions don't halt as you try to grapple with what just happened, the enemies don't stop to wait for you to wash the blood off your hands.

It goes on.

Alex stayed knelt for a moment. He shoved the phone in his pocket and racked his hands down his face. He breathed, then again till it was steady. 

He pulled himself up.

His face was clear of tears and his lip no longer trembled. Alex turned to the young soldier, he nodded at him and headed to the door.

He paused as an invisible force tugged at his jacket. He twisted his head around and glanced up at the sky. 

It was dark and unforgiving with no light creeping through.

Alex looked away and walked down his hallway to the office. He strolled over to his chair and sat down, looking at the large black secure phone in front of him. 

The photo looked up at him.

Alex reached his hand out, halfway between the phone and the picture. He picked the photo up, staring down at the boys smiling up, the guitars clutched in their hands. 

Alex sighed. 

It was like looking at strangers, two people that no longer existed. Alex had wanted to believe that he and Michael could start again, try again. But they couldn't because they would just lead right back to the same ending. Michael still fought, still drank and Alex knew he would never know the reason why. 

Alex, on the other hand, had changed. He no longer wanted to fight battles he wouldn't win and it tore and ripped his heart to admit that he and Michael; they were a battle he could not win.

Alex reached down and opened the bottom draw, a place where paperwork went to be forgotten. Alex dropped the photo, watching as it floated down like it was trying to fight gravity, to not be discarded. 

It landed on the paperwork and before Alex could change his mind he closed the drawer. Alex leant back up and reached over to the phone, picking it up.

"Major," He said, with no evidence in his voice that he had thrown up, that his heart was split in two, half lying locked in a forgotten draw and the rest lying in a makeshift morgue. The major started giving Alex commands and he listened. 

While he listened his brain began to work. Taking the grief, the pain, the regret and locking it into a dark corner, building a high and impenetrable wall. 

Since joining up, Alex had had one foot out the door. His mind on when he could see Michael, when he could leave. He could have gathered more intel about the mission but choose not to, choose to try and not be the soldier he was. The Major gave Alex a list of commands and Alex accepted them without question. That dream he had been holding onto, he and Michael, a house, garden, dogs, it was just that; a dream. Michael being in jail was reality. TJ being dead was reality. 

He had lost the battle for Michael.

He had lost the battle for TJ.

Alex jotted down information from his Major, he was not going to lose any more battles, no matter the cost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you all yell at me for killing TJ let me explain!  
> I always envisioned that there was some breaking point when Alex joined up, that he fought being the 'perfect soldier' for such a long time and had one foot in and one foot with Michael. Losing someone close to him, 'losing another battle' was enough to break Alex and change how he saw the army and his role in it.  
> When I made TJ I always knew this was how it would end for him but boy oh boy that did not make it any easier, it broke my heart to kill him I loved him and Alex's friendship!
> 
> In the next chapter, we'll see how this affected Alex and his relationship with Michael!
> 
> Thanks for reading (again, sorry about he angst🥺)
> 
> -AJ

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed! Please leave any comments or feedback if you have them! I always appreciate your guy's feedback!
> 
> -AJ


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